CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
•••
Collins shouldn't have been on a boat this late.
She should've been at home instead, cooking dinner for her and Charlie, sitting at the kitchen table with him while they filled out her scholarship application. She shouldn't have been riding alongside JJ as he drove the HMS Pogue down the outskirts of Figure Eight's shoreline before he pulled up to the dock near the Cameron's yacht. Charlie was going to kill her for not even leaving a note at the very least.
It wasn't like they'd had time to stop and grab a pen and paper or something. After John B came to his house to retrieve a gun, the urgency to stop him before he did something rash was greater than anything else in that moment. It was quite literally, life or death.
Everything else had been forgotten. Their whole plan to recover the gold went out the window, and they found themselves waiting in anticipation, fearing that their friend may have done something absolutely terrifying.
"What now?" JJ asked as they floated next to the Cameron yacht. "Do we just go up to the front door and ask, 'Hey, have you seen John B?'"
"Look, he lives at Tannyhill now, it's plausible." Kie insisted. "We can play dumb."
"Play dumb?" Pope raised his brows at her in disbelief. Did she really want to take a risk like that under the circumstances they were in? If Ward really did kill Big John, that made him dangerous. He already had the power and money over them, now he posed an even greater threat.
"I've never seen John B like that. We should honestly be going to the cops."
"And say what, Kie? We're worried about our friend because he's gone off on a rampage because Ward Cameron killed Big John? They're not gonna believe us!" JJ shook his head in dismay. It sounded ridiculous even as he said it, so imagine what the cops would think if they were to relay it back to them.
"JJ's right." Collins chimed in. "All we have is what John B told us, which hardly counts for anything without any evidence. And who's to say that he even has any to begin with?" Ward Cameron was not a man you wanted to start throwing accusations at without anything to back you up. He could ruin all five of them with one phone call.
"Hey, I see Ward." Pope alerted them, turning their attention onto him. He had a pair of binoculars held up to his eyes as he peered across the large expanse of yard that stood between them and the mansion. He passed the binoculars over to Kie so she could see for herself. "Doesn't look dead to me. Let's go home."
Whipping around in confusion, Kie frowned at the boy and his urgency to leave. "Wait, what?"
Shrugging his shoulders, Pope replied, "Obviously Mr. Cameron is fine, and even if John B was here, he isn't now. Plus, I have the biggest, most important moment of my life in six hours."
"Yeah, well our friend is in trouble." Kie shot back.
"I'm in trouble!" Pope protested. "Guys, I haven't been home in three days. My dad's probably put all my shit on the street by now."
Clenching her fists angrily at her sides, Kie glared at Pope. "Okay, so that's it? In a time of need, you're just gonna bail? You're just gonna walk away?"
"Hey, guys, can we please not do this right now?" JJ said in exasperation. The conflict between his two friends exhausted him and he wasn't even directly involved in it.
He and Collins exchanged uncomfortable glances due to the situation they were in, stuck between wanting to find John B to help him, and also support Pope and the things that were important to him.
It seemed that neither Pope nor Kie was listening to anything else going on around them, because their bickering still persisted. "I have a scholarship interview in the morning. Collins will vouch for me when I say that I cannot put that off."
As the focus was pointed over to her, Collins shifted uncomfortably. For some reason her jeans felt too tight and her shirt felt too loose, like she was about to expose herself if she was positioned in the wrong way. "It's true, Kie, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity." Not even an underground bomb shelter could've saved Collins from the scowl Kie shot at her. Collins felt an instant sense of unpleasantness.
"But what about John B?" Kie argued. He was all on his own, no one was there to talk him down or get him to explain everything that was going on in his head. They couldn't just forget about him.
Narrowing his eyes at her, Pope scoffed and shook his head. "Why's it always about John B?"
The way he said it put Kie on the spot. They still had no reason to believe that he was in any immediate danger besides being completely wrapped up in his own feelings. Kie was being way too adamant about 'rescuing' him, and it just felt like it was going back to their little fling at the start of the summer. Shifting her eyes uneasily, Kie tried to just brush it off. "It's not always about John B, you're so stupid, it would be either of you in this situation!"
She pointed accusatorially at Pope and JJ, to which Pope just rolled his eyes at and said, "Oh, bullshit."
"This is about friendship!" Kie spat. "This is about Pogues for life!"
Getting right back up into her face and reflecting the same energy she was expelling at him, Pope countered, "What about forensic pathology, huh? That's my life. That's everything I've worked for!"
Kie just scoffed. "That's your priority?"
"Just stop with the moral high ground bullshit!"
"Excuse me?" Kie narrowed her eyes at him, her stare as cold as icy daggers.
"Pope, come on." JJ warned. Pope was opening up a box that he shouldn't be opening, but he was already too wound up to stop. Collins watched everyone carefully, unsure of what was going on. There seemed to be some history that she was unaware of, something they'd suppressed but was now resurfacing in a fit of rage.
"No." Pope said stubbornly. "She has no room to talk. Where were you when Big John went missing? You weren't there. You weren't there for John B, you weren't there for any of us. Remember your Kook year? Yeah, you forgot about us. Now you feel guilty."
"Give me a break." Kie huffed, shoving Pope away from her.
As Pope and her started going back and forth, pushing each other around on the boat, JJ and Collins finally stepped in to physically separate the two and break up their dispute.
"Hey, cut it out, guys! If I'm the one mediating, we've hit rock bottom." JJ looked between the two with defeat before pointing them to sit on opposite ends of the boat where they couldn't get into another fight again. "Pope, I'll drop you off."
Collins shifted her gaze between the two while JJ moved behind the wheel and started lowering the motor into the water. She took the safe option and sat at the middle of the boat, not too close to Kie and not too close to Pope. Drama was exactly the kind of thing she'd been hoping to avoid.
The ride home was quiet the whole way. If Kie or Pope said another word, another fight would ensue and what was the point? After they'd dropped Pope off at the dock to Heyward's, things still felt gloomy on the boat. They still didn't know where John B was or what to do about him, but then again, what could they do? He clearly didn't want their help and now they were a man short. Not to mention that Collins wouldn't be of any more assistance that night either since she had to go home before Charlie sent out an Amber alert. When Kie had driven Collins back to her house, the night had run so long that Collins wasn't even sure what time it was, just that it was way past her bedtime. And if that was true, then dinner was yesterday, which meant that Collins was in even bigger trouble than just missing curfew.
"Hey," JJ stopped her as she was saying her good night's, hanging his arm and his head out of the window on the passenger's side to exchange a few words of his own with her. "You sure you wanna go back so soon when you know Charlie's gonna have it out with you? It might be nice just to have a peaceful night after everything that went down. I wouldn't blame you."
Shaking her head, Collins politely turned down JJ's suggestion. Glancing over her shoulder back at her house where she could still see light from a candle still burning from behind the curtains, Collins knew that she shouldn't keep her brother waiting any longer. "I can't let him keep worrying about me just for my own sake. I appreciate the thought, though. I'll see you tomorrow, hopefully, for an update."
"Okay." JJ accepted, holding his hand out with his palm up for her to take. He cracked a small smile as she slipped her hand into his with a gentle touch. He gave it a light squeeze. "Good luck in there."
"Thanks, I'm sure I'll need it." Collins thought about going in to kiss him on the cheek for a split second, but with Kie there in such a sour mood, Collins thought against it. Their simple hand holding would suffice.
Releasing each other from their grasp, Collins finally turned and started heading up the footpath to her house. She opened the door and looked back to see Kie and JJ both wave at her before the car started driving off, and they'd disappeared into the night. Taking a single deep breath, Collins faced forward once again and proceeded to make her way inside.
As she took her first steps in, Collins was immediately met by Charlie sitting at the kitchen table, a plate set across from him with some chicken and mixed vegetables on it that had probably gone cold long ago. Frozen in place, Collins stared back at him, prepared to receive whatever words he had for her, delivered in whatever way he desired. He could yell at her and she would understand, he could not say one thing to her, and she would understand. He could even take on a gentle approach with her, and Collins would still understand, because sometimes, Charlie was just that easy going.
Only, it felt like Collins had been testing that part of him a little too much lately. One could even say that she was taking advantage of it, and that was where it wasn't okay anymore. That was where she herself felt like a terrible person for taking short cuts with her brother when she should've just been honest with him and communicated with him.
"What happened?" Charlie asked with a shrug in confusion, looking up at Collins for an explanation. His voice didn't seem angry, though that was subject to change. It just sounded lost, like it was still trying to figure out if he wanted to yell or be quiet, furious or upset.
"It was an emergency. John B, he needed us." Collins told him. "I didn't forget, I just- I had to prioritize. My friend needed help and it just couldn't wait." That was the truth, not the detailed part of it, but the truth for the most part.
"You could've told me that. Instead you make me worry because we both agreed that we would have dinner tonight, so when you're not here like you said you would be- mind you, with no explanation, I worry." Charlie shook his head at her. His volume had gotten away from him a little bit towards the end of his little spiel, but he was doing a good job of keeping it controlled. He hated yelling at Collins. He was in his 20s for God's sake, he didn't want to be scolding his little sister like she was a kid in trouble for stealing candy. He wanted there to be understanding between them, to be equals instead of that disparity between guardian and child.
Collins wanted the same thing. Things used to be so much easier between the two of them back when she didn't have anyone but him. They didn't have to worry about all these additional issues that they'd only started having when she'd befriended the Pogues, it was simpler.
But they couldn't go back now, and she didn't want them to. Things had changed, just like they should've always been expected to, and now they had to adjust. No one ever said the process wouldn't be difficult, but in the moment, it felt like resolution was so far from reach.
"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to bail on you."
Charlie scoffed. He got up from his seat and just stood there, both hands on the table while he looked at Collins with a disappointed wash in his eyes. "Lately, it's like you don't even care about anyone but yourself anymore. We're supposed to be a team, you and me. We used to have a system, but ever since you started going out, you've abandoned it completely. You think I don't notice that you've been keeping stuff from me? The way John B broke his wrist was pretty shady, not to mention that last night, you were being suspiciously vague about your friend's problems. And now this morning, I catch you wearing some other dude's clothes and all of a sudden, John B's got all this expensive shit in his yard that I know damn well he can't afford! What is going on, Collins?"
Collins closed her eyes and sighed tiredly, dropping her bag on the floor and covering her face with her hands because how was she supposed to explain all of that? How long had Charlie been holding these puzzle pieces with him to present to her when the time seemed right for him? How long had he been taking note of all of these shady occurrences, listening to her poor excuses for them, and thinking to himself that she wasn't being honest with him? How long had she lost his trust in her?
She couldn't even be upset by it because it was all rightfully deserved. Collins couldn't have expected Charlie to believe her when her lies had spurred his disbelief in her. She was the only one to blame.
"I can't tell you." She muttered, still hiding behind her hand because she couldn't bear to look him in the eyes. If she couldn't lie anymore, then the last thing she could do was keep what she knew to herself.
Everyone else had kept their endeavors between them. No one outside of their circle was aware of what they were doing and Charlie was no exception. Just because he wasn't a parent didn't mean he was one of them; he still had responsibilities to take care of Collins and forbidding her to continue on with this little project of theirs would no doubt be a part of that. If he knew of the things they'd dealt with trying to get this gold, he would put her on house arrest. And nothing of the sort could happen, under any circumstances. Not when they were so close to getting the gold, not after everything they'd been through.
"What do you mean you can't tell me?" Charlie stared at her hard from across the table. He had the ears of a bat, so he could understand her mumbling, even when she thought he couldn't. When he heard a song, he could distinguish it's notes by ear, and play it on his guitar almost identically. When Collins tried to hide her words through indistinguishable mumbles, he knew how to translate them.
"When the time is right, I'd be happy to tell you everything, but right now I just can't." Collins insisted, hoping, praying, desperately begging Charlie to just leave it at that. She needed him to accept this boundary she was laying down between them, after all the years she'd spent letting him cross it, to just this once, leave it alone.
She tried to just cut off their conversation at that, with her secret kept secret, exactly where she wanted it. Collins moved to get past Charlie to vanish into her room, but he swiftly side stepped in front of her and blocked her path.
"Whatever it is that you and those kids have gotten yourself into, you need to tell me right now, Collins." Charlie's voice had never been so stern with her. It almost scared Collins the way he was sounding; he never usually used that tone with her. Except now, he was finally putting his foot down and demanding answers.
"I don't have to tell you anything." Collins huffed, trying to get around him, but Charlie just moved with her and kept himself in front of her. He was much bigger and much stronger than her, so there was no way she was going to be able to muscle her way through. The only way she was getting out was if she started talking and Collins wasn't breaking.
"There's no way John B or any of his buddies could've afforded all that shit I saw at his house today. The hot tub? The generator? Where the fuck did that money come from, Collins?" He started grabbing her by the shoulders to keep her from trying to escape his questioning, forcing her to look at him despite every one of her attempts to avoid doing so. Charlie furrowed his brows as he tried to decipher her expression; why was she fighting him so hard on this? The only reason why she would be so adamant about hiding whatever it was that she was hiding was if it was as bad as he was starting to believe it to be.
"It doesn't matter where it came from!" Collins exclaimed, managing to rip one arm free and out of his grip. "You're blowing this all out of proportion."
"It does matter if you're getting this money the wrong way. What, you think if you go along with it JJ will like you or something? You think acting like some tough girl will impress him, make you seem cool or whatever?" Charlie shook his head at her. "I can tell you right now, Collins, that trick doesn't last long. Pretending to be someone you're not doesn't work, and you know what? You're gonna lose everything you've worked for over some boy you're gonna leave in two years anyways!"
"Don't talk about me like you know me, Charlie." Collins spat. Her body flooded with anger. He had no clue what she was capable of now. He still thought of her as that timid, holed up in the house, and friendless little girl. But she'd changed since then, and she wasn't going back. He wanted her to, but that wasn't going to happen.
"I am the only person who knows you, Collins." He asserted with a blank look on his face. "I'm the one who's known you your whole life, I practically raised you. You may not think so, but I know you better than you even know yourself."
"Well things change." Collins snapped. "Maybe the person you think you know isn't exactly who I am anymore."
"If that's the case, then I would be severely disappointed. At least that version of you doesn't act like such a brat."
Collins raised her brows at him then chuckled bitterly. "Oh, a brat? I suppose that's better than a narcissistic douchebag. Why don't you go play your guitar and listen to yourself sing some more? You can do it in front of the mirror while you're at it so you can make sure your hair looks good, too."
She shoved her way past him, clipping his shoulder in the process. Charlie just followed behind her, his voice taunting her all the way over to her room. "Keep up the act, Collins. We both know that it's just that: an act. JJ will see that soon, too. You think he'll be impressed that you've been faking it this whole time? You think he'll be happy when he finds out that everything you are is a lie?"
"Screw you, Charlie!" The tears were flowing down her face now. Collins started furiously packing a backpack full of clothes. She couldn't sleep here after a fight like this with Charlie, nor did she want to. She had to get out. The sound of Charlie's voice in her ear was making her head pulsate. She wasn't even sure what she had packed, but she'd crammed as much as she could into it and was struggling to zip it shut.
"You're gonna get yourself hurt. If what you're doing doesn't get you killed, it's gonna break your heart. I would rather the latter. I care too much about you, Colls, to let you ruin yourself like this." Charlie towered over her, his fists clenched at his sides with his fingernails digging into his hands so hard they felt like they'd locked shut. His green eyes bore into her like lasers. Collins just averted them, her lip wobbling as she'd finally managed to get her backpack fully zipped and was forced to make the split second decision that could change her relationship with Charlie forever.
She didn't want to believe a word he'd said, but she'd be lying if she said the thought hadn't crossed her mind at least once, even for the briefest moment. There was just too much at stake, on both sides. If she told Charlie the truth, she'd be betraying her friends's trust, along with their secret which they'd tried so hard to keep to themselves. She'd also be betraying herself, given all of the things that he'd been saying to her, about who she was and who she wasn't. It felt like if she stayed, she'd be proving him right, and that wasn't an intention of hers. But Charlie was her brother, he was family, the only one she had. She'd been deceiving him a lot lately, he was pretty much on the receiving end of it all. Didn't she owe it to him to give up something?
No, she couldn't. There was nothing for her to prove to him that she wasn't the fearful fraud that he believed her to be with just words. Collins needed hard evidence; the gold was her best chance at that. Maybe once she had her share, Charlie would forget all about how she got it, and he'd understand why she had to hide so much from him. Maybe afterwards, they could learn to forgive each other for the harsh words they'd exchanged this night, but until then, nothing was fine between them. Charlie couldn't accept this new version of his sister and Collins refused to just sit there and be so compliant.
Slinging her bag over her shoulder, Collins moved around Charlie, leaving him behind in her room before stopping just before she left through the door. "I'm sorry, Charlie. If it's any consolation, I'm really trying to do this for all the right reasons."
She didn't look back at him, but from where he still remained standing by her bed, Charlie crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head at her. "Yeah, while doing it in all the wrong ways."
Collins tried not to let the sting of his words phase her, swallowing it back and maintaining her composure. Facing forward, Collins marched on ahead, leaving her brother behind in the broken home they'd fixed all on their own, only to shatter it all in one night.
•••
When Collins drifted back to the Chateau, it had been well into the night and she felt miserable with her return. Her walk had established everything that had happened beforehand. She and Charlie weren't on good terms, in fact there was probably a stronger and more descriptive word to describe how bad their terms were that Collins just couldn't think of because she was so completely out of it.
Her face felt sticky with the tears that had streamed down it just moments before and dried in the cold air. She shivered and rubbed her arms, trying to remember if she'd been smart enough to throw a sweatshirt in the clothes she'd packed in her frenzy.
Charlie had told her that if it came down to her life or a broken heart, he'd choose a broken heart. Collins wondered if he knew that their fight would have inflicted the same result due to the aching in her chest she was experiencing from all of the emotions that had been coursing through her. After all of the years spent with just the two of them, they'd never spent a night so angry with each other and with a conflict gone unresolved. Although, Collins wasn't even sure if what she was feeling towards Charlie was even anger anymore. His words had infuriated her, signified by the fire he'd ignited in her when he'd delivered them, but the flame had now extinguished and all Collins was left to feel was the smother of its smoke.
But Collins didn't hate her brother, far from that. She still loved him deeply, and that was where the majority of her heartbreak was stemming from. She didn't feel like she'd lost him completely, being as she was almost sure that reparation was possible if she would just tell him the truth and apologize for the way she'd acted. But also only if he took back the things that he'd said, too.
The ideas he'd implanted into her mind haunted her. Everything he'd said about JJ was hanging over her head and fogging up her brain. Could there have been some truth to it? As much as she didn't want to believe that it could be, she still had to acknowledge its plausibility.
As Collins approached John B's house, she came up to the front steps and carefully walked up them, trying to avoid making too much noise that could wake anyone up. The slight creak in the wood as it took her weight sounded in the night and made Collins cringe. She hated being a burden.
She decided not to proceed any further into the house to avoid making any more noise, only getting past the screen door leading onto the front porch. The hinges squeaked, and Collins refrained from bursting into tears because she was almost down to her last straw and waking up the whole house was going to be the end of it.
And like the world knew exactly how to push her buttons, Collins heard a door creak from inside the house and soft footsteps padding towards her before she sighed into her hand in total defeat.
"Collins?" JJ appeared at the doorway into the living room, squinting through sleepy eyes and peering over at her through narrowed vision. She quickly wiped away the evidence of tears on her cheeks and took shaky breaths to try and compose herself, looking away so that JJ wouldn't see the glassy sheen in her eyes. "I thought you were John B. What are you doing here?"
With her gaze still turned away from him, Collins swallowed back the lump in her throat and shoved down every single urge to just keep crying down into a place where it couldn't come back up. She was stronger than this, she didn't need to shed any more tears. "Things with Charlie didn't pan out so well. I don't really have anywhere else to go."
"What happened?" JJ asked, confused as to why she wasn't meeting his eyes and was acting so strangely. He knew there was something upsetting her, he just didn't understand why she was trying so hard to hide it from him. Weren't they past all that already? He'd shown more emotion with her than he ever had with anyone else in his life, almost as much as John B, but they'd been friends since the third grade and tears from falling off your bike didn't really count.
Collins wiped under her nose and grimaced. "A lot." Her voice cracked and a small sob escaped her. Damn it, why couldn't she hold it together, just this once?
JJ moved to sit next to her, pushing pillows aside to do so. He tilted his head to meet her eyes, but she seemed intent on making it difficult for him. "You wanna talk about it?" She didn't answer him. Maybe she was too busying sniffling to speak or she just wasn't in the mood to talk. Either way, JJ didn't want to leave her alone. "Let's go for a walk."
He stood up first, then held his hand out for Collins to take. She looked up at him and her eyes gleamed. Her eyelashes were wet and stuck together in some parts, and there was a tinge of red on the tip of her nose. Despite all of that, she still looked pretty when she cried.
Collins reluctantly took his hand, allowing him to help her up before they were heading back out into the night. She held his hand more loosely, still unsure of how she should feel about him with the things Charlie had said still so fresh in her mind. How was she supposed to go about this? A part of her wanted to solely trust her own personal experiences with JJ; the way he made her feel and acted around her, that couldn't be something he could just throw away. But then she thought about how she acted around him, not completely unlike her but also not really her. Did he only like the girl she had become or the girl who she was before? Did he even know the old version? It wasn't like he'd taken any interest in her before.
Perhaps JJ only liked the Collins who went to parties, who sought adventures involving treasure hunts, who took on life threatening situations with only a little underlying trauma that would probably manifest itself at some other point in her life. That made her think that the Collins she was before she'd gone to that party at the Boneyard, was never going to be JJ's first choice. The thought depressed her.
The ground crunched beneath their feet as they walked over sticks and rocks on the grassy dirt floor. The crickets chirped from their hiding places and somewhere in the trees there was an owl hooting to fill the void amongst it. Everything was so dark, yet the whole earth around them was so alive. Collins somehow felt like it was an inversion of her. In that moment, she was all dark and gloomy on the inside, but her chest still rose and fell with every inhale and exhale, skin still moistened with perspiration from holding JJ's hand for so long. In every way, Collins was still alive but her mind was so defeated.
They proceeded with no sense of direction in which they aimed to walk in, just following whatever path their hearts desired.
"I have something I want to ask you about." Collins said. She decided to just come out with it and get the whole ordeal out of the way. It was better than just letting it sit in the back of her mind to drive her crazy, so confrontation it is.
JJ glanced over at Collins's dimly lit face and nodded. "Okay, what's up?"
She stopped walking and turned towards him. The idea of moving and having this conversation made it seem too casual, and Collins didn't feel like casual was the ambience she wanted for this subject. "Why did you come up to me that night at the Boneyard?"
Slightly taken aback by her question, JJ felt his mind go blank and he was speechless for a moment. Where the hell did that come from? What was going on that would make her ask such a thing? And what was he supposed to say? This was a serious question, and the worst part was that whole night had been sort of a blur to him. He could remember his actions at the very least, but he had no recollection of the motive behind them. He'd been drunk for Christ's sake, did anyone do anything using logic when they were drunk?
That probably wasn't the kind of answer she was looking for. Think, JJ, think. Would it be awful of him if he said he thought she was hot and his split second decision to sit down next to her had been purely based off of her looks? At least it was the truth, that had to be better than telling a lie; unless this was a situation in which he should tell a white lie, to save them both the grief. Why were girls so hard to navigate?
He was taking too long to answer. Soon, Collins would start thinking that whatever it was that he said, it was just something he'd made up, even if it was the actual truth.
He took a shallow breath, scared of his own words which were about to come out of his mouth. "Honestly? When I saw you, I couldn't take my eyes away. There you were, the prettiest girl I'd ever seen and you were all alone. It just seemed wrong that you didn't have guys surrounding you from all sides."
Collins took in his response with conflicting feelings brewing inside her. On the bright side, she did appreciate his honesty. He could've easily lied and come up some other better excuse and she was sure that he considered it for a minute, but then he'd decided to go with the candid route. But of course, there was the downside that what had pretty much been the catalyst of their relationship thus far had been purely based on her looks alone. That therein, led Collins to her next and greatest disappointment— the fact that after all the years they'd crossed paths, somehow her looks hadn't struck JJ during any of those moments. She was invisible, a ghost, unnoticed.
Her hand slipped out of his and automatically, JJ knew he'd said the wrong thing.
"You know how many times we've walked past each other in the hallway at school? Or how many seating charts we've had where we've been sitting next to each other?" Too freaking many. "Why not then? Why now?"
To be fair, she was never one to draw attention to herself, but still. You didn't have to be the main focus of the room to be perceived by others. What was JJ's excuse? Who did he think was sitting in front of him all semester in Econ? To whom did he think he had to return the pencil he'd borrowed from?
"I don't know, Collins." JJ said defeatedly with a slump in his shoulders. "Would it be so unbelievable that maybe it was just the right time and right place?" Because that was all that he could come up with; he was coming up short on any other explanation.
"It is a little to me, yeah." Collins said, pursing her lips and wiping more tears off her face. "I just feel like I've always thought I was invisible, but deep down a part of me was really hoping that it was all in my head and I wasn't actually so meaningless to other people."
"Don't say that, Collins." JJ took a small step forward and reached up to hold her face in his hand, but Collins just turned her head away from his touch. He had to admit, that was a huge punch to the gut but he couldn't really blame her for it. He deserved it, maybe even worse.
"Let's face it, JJ, if I hadn't been at that party we wouldn't even be standing here right now. We'd still be strangers and you wouldn't ever have noticed me, because let's be real, there have been plenty of opportunities and none of them gave." Collins didn't mean to sound so bitter, but this was the reality of their situation. It felt insincere not to address what was true.
"Then can we just accept that things happened the way they did because maybe, that's exactly what was supposed to happen? Maybe fate wanted things to happen this way." JJ tried hard to meet her gaze, never taking his eyes off her for a second even though she was avoiding him like the plague. "Look at me, Colls, and tell me that everything between us so far hasn't felt so right it's almost like it's meant to be."
Collins bit the inside of her cheek and frowned at the ground. Did he really believe in all that? That the universe had a plan for them and this was how it was supposed to go? She ruminated over the question he'd asked her carefully. Collins had always lived the sort of life where what will be, will be. She'd sometimes question why things happened, if there was some kind of greater purpose for it all, and then think of all the ways in which the course of her life had came to be. Was it God, or one of the other higher powers worshipped by other religions? Was it the timeline they lived in out of an infinite number of others where different things happened in each? Or was it just chance, and there was no rhyme or reason to anything in the world?
There was no way for her to find the answer she was looking for. All Collins had was her own reality in which she lived in. The only thing that mattered was what she believed. The truth was of no use to her if unattainable. Collins had to live her life in the moment, accepting that the way things happened didn't have to have ulterior motives, they just did.
"You know what, it doesn't even matter." JJ threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. He was reading her throughout her silent contemplation, and was doing some damage control. Fuck it. He thought to himself, he'd meant to have a whole grand gesture planned out for this but a grand speech was going to have to do. "I know what I've been feeling since the day I saw you by that bonfire, Collins. And yeah, I'm a dumbass for not noticing you sooner, in fact, dumbass doesn't even clear it! But I swear on my life that if I could go back to the first class we had together, I would've done it years ago. I would've slapped myself silly and told him to open his goddamn eyes and look at what's right in front of him."
Collins refrained from mentioning that he would've been striking a pre-schooler, since that was the first class they'd had together but she didn't want to interrupt him while he was spilling out everything he'd been holding in that she was eager to hear. She couldn't help the way the corner of her lips slightly turned up just listening to him.
"I really like you, Collins. It fucking scares me how much I like you. It's no mystery that I think you're beautiful, hell, you're the freaking girl of my dreams. And yeah, the fact that you're so beautiful is what drew me to you that first night we talked at the Boneyard, but I've fallen flat on my face for you after getting to know the kind of person you are. You're the most down to Earth person I've ever met, you care about people in a way that is unbelievable to me, and you have this thing about you where you're somehow the smartest person in the room but yet you have no clue about the effect you have on people. Your smile could probably cure diseases and my world fucking stops when you laugh at my stupid jokes. I still can't believe you even let me hold your hand let alone sleep in the same bed next to you. I just know you're destined for something incredible, you're gonna become a doctor someday, saving lives and making a huge difference in the world, but me, I'm still gonna be on this damn island fixing my bike because that's all I'm good for."
JJ gazed down at her with a bittersweet look on his face. He was so wrapped up in his own affection for her while still trapped in his cage of self-deprecation. "I told you yesterday that I don't deserve a girl like you. I still stand by that statement, I probably never will be. You deserve to be with someone who won't hold you back, the kind of guy who can keep up with the road you're on. I can't be that guy, I'm not smart, I don't—"
"JJ." He stopped mid-sentence, cut off by Collins's voice speaking his name. She couldn't listen to him self deprecate when he'd just opened up to her about his real feelings. She looked at him in the eyes and swallowed back the lump in her throat. He stood there quietly, waiting for her next words. Fuck it. She thought to herself.
Collins grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled him towards her, tilting her head up to meet him in the middle until suddenly, his lips were on hers.
Here it is... This is it. Collins Jacobson is kissing JJ Maybank.
The boy couldn't help but freeze at the gesture, almost flinching as he felt his mouth being pressed firmly against Collins's. That wasn't the reaction he'd been expecting. He was sure he'd screwed up everything between them and that she'd more likely slap him across the face than plant a kiss on his lips. He almost forgot what to do in this situation, and he was a seasoned kisser, so that just went to show how much power Collins had over him. But in less than a second, he was relaxing into her touch, snaking his hands around her waist and pulling her closer to him until there was no space left between them.
At first, it felt weird. Collins started to feel a bit silly for initiating an act that she didn't even know how to partake in. She'd never kissed anyone before, so how was she supposed to know what was good and what was bad? For all she knew, she'd done it all wrong and she'd ruined the magic of a first kiss.
But then, JJ took the lead— which she gladly followed- and moved his lips against hers in the most heavenly, make-her-knees-buckle kind of way, that all feelings of uncertainty and insecurity began to slip into nothingness. It was hypnotic.
She curled her fingers in his hair, pulling him so close their teeth nearly clashed. He tasted like toothpaste while she probably tasted like her own tears from how many she'd cried that night. But none of it mattered anymore. Collins was kissing JJ Maybank, he told her that he liked her, and he'd said all the right things despite everything else. In that moment, Collins forgot all about her fight with Charlie earlier; if she were a vengeful person she would shove this right in his face as a big 'screw you'.
Out of JJ's whole little speech, he never mentioned the changes that she'd made after befriending him and the rest of the Pogues. Maybe it was just because he didn't really know who she was before, but nonetheless, it wasn't the forefront of his profession of affection for her. He didn't like her because she was bold and courageous. He liked the part of her that had always remained constant. Collins couldn't have asked for anything more. So maybe he didn't know the person she was before, that wasn't such a terrible thing either. Collins didn't hate the old her, but she was so much happier the way she was now. She wanted this version of Collins to be the one that kissed JJ.
They only pulled apart when they needed a gasp of air. Although they were cast in the dark shadows of the trees, the moonlight still provided them enough light to make out each other's faces. Collins looked up at JJ with a captivated smile on her lips, so enchanted by his kiss and quite literally everything about him. She'd expected him to be a good kisser, he had the experience and the prowess, but wow. Did other girls feel like this after making out with him? Scratch that, Collins didn't want to think about any other girl but her kissing JJ.
"Wow." She whispered aloud without exactly intending to. Collins could feel the heat rush to her cheeks and automatically went to look down at her feet in embarrassment.
"I-I was getting to that, by the way." JJ said sheepishly, trying to play it cool. He'd always expected that he would be the one to kiss her instead of the other way around, but he had to admit, this way brought out a whole new side to Collins that he had become even more attracted to. "I was just working up to it."
Collins softly laughed, figuring that she shouldn't make a big deal out of being the one to kiss the other first. JJ smiled back at her, her laugh sounding like music to his ears. He used his hand to cup the side of her face tilt her head up.
And just like that, Collins adds her second kiss to the archives of moments she'll never forget, and this time, JJ makes the first move.
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