Chapter fifty one
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#StopIslamophobia
Escapism: mental diversion from unpleasant or boring aspects of daily life, typically through activities involving imagination or entertainment. Escapism also may be used to occupy one's self away from persistent feelings of depression or general sadness.
"Y/N Are you really sure about this?" Dad asked, concern laced his words as he held my hand. I was finally discharged, still a bit weak but I was holding on with my remaining strength. "It's his choice dad." I uttered, masking my true emotions with a forced smile. Dad inspected my face but I quickly looked away as we went back home. "Any news yet?" Dad shook his head sadly.
"No." I averted my eyes. Blinking away any tears.
The divorcement will take place over two days. After crying my eyes out days ago once i heard the news I felt more empty than ever. I had so many unanswered questions but when I searched through the file I came across a letter.
It was a letter of how Joshua truly felt about me. Hate, anger and frustrated were seeping out of the words and it almost made me not want to believe that the man I love wrote such harsh things but reality is often disappointing. Even so I still couldn't change my feelings.
I fell in love too hard.
We made it home and I got out, looking at the house that was filled with me and Joshua. It was our humble abode but now it was just a memory of the past.
"Y/N!" I was engulfed into a pair of arms as they hugged me tightly. I hugged back. "Jae..." i finally let go and gathered the courage to look the older woman as she had tears streaming down her cheeks. "No no don't I..I'm sorry my love!" She cried out. I raised my eyebrow at her and gave her a small smile.
"Jaeyi why are you sorry?" I cupped her face gently. This only made her cry more as she held my other hand.
"I should've hit him a...and make him lick the ground be..because y..you d...didn't deserve this!" She mustered out. I sighed. "Jaeyi my signature is already on it, there's nothing I can do." She grabbed my hands. "You need to fight Y/N! You love him, don't you?" I looked down.
"Yeah but it seems he doesn't." I softly answered. She stomped with her feet like a little kid.
"No this doesn't make sense! I know he loves you and I'm always right."
"Maybe this time it's different." I intervened.
"Nothing good lasts forever on this earth. I've accepted that he wants that and I'm just going to give him what he wants. There's nothing left for me to fight for...I lost my baby." I felt my tears coming out but I held back.
"Y/N..." I stopped her.
"No Jae. It's over. I can't keep fighting anymore. I'm tired, I just can't deal with losing everything I love all over again. I lost my mom and my grandma all in once and then my dad changed into this monster. I had to suffer because my brother left and my home life became crap. All the friends I had only hung out with me because I was rich and I lost myself. I lost my baby and now I lost Joshua. The one thing I can't bare to lose but here I am."It was too late. My tears were steaming down my cheeks now.
My heart hurt and it didn't help how I accidentally took a glance at the inside of the house, the memories flooded inside my head. Running around with him trying to catch me and laying next to him while we watch movies.
Our daily bicker that turns every time into him apologizing first and giving me a peck on the lips as I blush red.
How he would wake me up in the morning and make breakfast for me. Help me wash my hair when I was still pregnant and always was there to welcome me home with his arms wide open and a big smile on his face.
"I made a promise to myself that the next person that becomes valuable to me, If things end I will have to end it for that person's sake and mine. It's no use fighting anymore when I already know the outcome." I finally let out.
I retracted my hands from Jae's grip and turned around.
"Call me stupid but I'm just tired Jae. I will give him the divorce he wanted." I hugged my coat and walked away from her, away from all of it and not knowing where my feet took me.
In the end I was in the garden. The same garden Joshua took days taking care of as he proudly told me about chrysanthemums and the past behind it. How he would kiss my forehead and tell me that no matter what I was the one for him.
Clearly that wasn't true.
Was it all an act?
Joshua, did you never care about me at all? Did you just wanted a little fun and then dump me once you're done?
I crouched down. The chrysanthemums were all shriveled up and dead. A sign that it hadn't been taken care of in a long time as my tears softly hit the ground. They look so pitiful Like me.
Joshua loved you guys at least.
I was a fool to believe he ever loved me.
There was footsteps begins me before it came to a halt. "There you are." I turned around, Eun woo stood there with his hands in his pockets. He looked at me in worry. I stood up. "Why are you here? It's so cold outside." I asked, he stepped closer to me and fixed my veil.
"I could ask you the same thing."
Eun woo stared into my eyes. His warm hands gently touched my cheeks before they wiped away my tears. "Don't cry." He pulled my head into his chest. I sniffled.
"I...I don't know what to do. What will happen to me once the divorce is already done?" I asked, not wanting to think about Joshua. Eun woo rubbed my back in a comforting manner. "I'm here." I looked up at him. "I'm always here Y/N. I have been and will always be." I furrowed my eyebrows.
"What do you mean Eun woo."
He sighed. His cheeks were flushed red but he looked at me with such a fierce look that I felt like shrinking.
"I love you Y/N."
***
The room was dimly lit, the atmosphere was thick as the sounds of rustling and flipping through endless pages filled the room. A figure seated on a stool, slumped in his chair as he worked himself to the fullest.
"It's got to be here somewhere." He whispered to himself. He was anxious, the panic was written so clearly over his face that it was hard not to notice. He searched every bookshelf there was but nothing.
There were stacks of papers on the floors, all have been searched throughly by him as he gathered more from cabinets he hadn't opened. The man was looking for something. Something that could either be a victory or a ruin. Regardless he searched, day in and day out, never taking a break and exhausting his body to the point it just gave up on him.
He fell on his knees.
He was hopeless. It's been days, his heart hammered against his chest and the pain was restricting him. He wanted to be free of this hell but how?
There was no time left and soon it'll be over.
Everything will burn in flames.
He laid on his side and curled himself into a ball. Tears rolling down his already wet cheeks, he was tired from it all. His hands shook as they were cold, frozen enough to just break from his body so he folded them in his chest, hoping it'll get warm.
"Promise you'll take care of her."
"But mom I can't stand this place anymore!" He yelled, his face red in anger as he clenched his fists. His mother could only smile at her son warmly as she took his hand. "Dad is a tough man from a rough broken family but he means well on you and your sister. As long as you stick by her side, dad will stay with both of you." He looked at his mom.
She was weak, face pale as paper and her once beautiful locks of hair has now withered away into nothingness. His mother was tired yet her eyes were as bright like stars with a smile so warm like fire.
"Mom please don't leave." He sank to his knees. Tears falling down his cheeks as he clutched her hand tightly.
"I'm sorry baby, mommy has to go." He shook his head. She gently took his face and kissed his forehead one last time before cupping his face as she stared at him.
"Shotaro..."She wiped his tears away.
"No matter what you do or where you go, I'm always here for you. I'm sure you'll grow up into a wonderful young man who will protect his little sister and make her into a strong woman herself since I won't be here to do that."
"Mom don't." He didn't want to accept reality so he flung himself into her arms, almost crushing her which made her let out a chuckle.
"Shotaro. If you love something you have to fight for it. If you want something, always take the right path and make sure that you always get back up when things don't go your way." Her warmth soothed him from all his sadness and fear. He felt safer in his arms but he knew deep down that it won't last.
"So promise me...when everything feels like it's going against you, pray to god that you'll make it through. I love you and Y/N. Don't forget to be her big brother." With that she closed her eyes.
"I failed at being an older brother mom." He sobbed. He felt as if all was lost and remembering such a memory didn't help much either. He turned to lay on his back as he looked up.
"You'll always be my older brother that I love no matter what and I wouldn't choose anyone to takeover your place."
Y/N's words filled his mind, a sliver of hope that maybe...just maybe he'll try again. So with all his remaining strength he grabbed onto the nearest thing that could help him get up. 'I will fight even when you've given up.' He thought one last time before scanning the room. There was one place he didn't look and that was under the desk. He quickly ran up to the desk, it was dark so he grabbed his phone and turned on the flashlight.
There it was.
The evidence and everything that he needed.
He quickly took out his pocketknife and with it he managed to get a big enough hole to get everything out. A smirk crept up to his face as he silently prayed that all goes well.
"I have god by my side so everything will be okay."
***
"What?" I was in shock, I slowly let go of Eun woo as he stared at me. "I love you Y/N, I have always loved you." I staggered backwards. "No...I...I'm sorry but I'm married." He sighed.
"You won't be anymore. Snap out of it Y/N. Did you ever even love him? Or did you just feel bad? He treated you horribly in the beginning and even wants to end the marriage so tell me...why are you holding onto someone who is letting go of you?" His words hit me harder than I expected.
But he was right.
Joshua treated me horrible in the beginning, I cried so many times because I was depressed and wanted to escape this life. He was my archenemy.
"Y/N..." he trailed off but I stopped him.
"You're right. I hated him with everything in me. I was miserable in this marriage and there was no escape for me but.." I stopped midway, my eyes landed on a bed of red chrysanthemums hidden away behind a stack of buckets.
I cocked my head sideways.
Why are there red chrysanthemums? And why are they still alive and well unlike the others? Is it someone else's?
"Y/N!" I snapped out of my thoughts.
"Sorry." I looked up at Eun woo, he had a blank expression on his face that made it difficult for me to figure out what he was thinking about. I gathered my thoughts and sighed.
"Eun woo. That was in the past because matter how much he still hated me from the beginning till now, I still and will always have feelings for him. I love Joshua even with my last breath." I breathed.
It will hurt.
Living a life without you by my side.
But I know that I still gotten to live one with you and make a bunch of memories that I'll take with me.