"Are you ready to shop up a storm?" Isabelle said, clapping her hands together outside the entrance of David Jones.
"Well," I said, shooting her an amused grin; she was bouncing on the balls of her feet like a lunatic. "Not here to fuck spiders."
Kai had picked me up only an hour ago, Isabelle and Will in tow, sequestered away in the backseat leaving shotgun for me, and driven us all to Chadstone, the biggest shopping centre in the country. Even though it was the closest set of shops to where I lived, half the time Mum took us to little boutique shops near the beach in Brighton just to avoid the fucking maze of Chaddy. But you would never fail to find what you were looking for, because it had pretty much everything.
I probably had enough clothes at home that I could repurpose to make a wedding outfit—especially since the advice was to dress casual—but Isabelle's excitement at the prospect of a new outfit was palpable. I usually buy my clothes repurposed from Depop or like, op-shops, she had said, but Mum gave me money to buy an outfit for today. I thought that was rather kind of Maria; mine hadn't given me any money, not that I wouldn't expected it. But when I looked to my right, I wasn't so certain that it was Maria's generosity funding Isabelle's trip today. Izzy, who had been sitting in the back seat, couldn't possibly have noticed, but I saw the set of Kai's mouth tighten. And I also saw the way he glanced at the rear view mirror, which reflected his sister's unrelenting joy, with a despondent fondness that betrayed who the real benefactor of this trip was.
Oh, Kai, I thought. I was glad Isabelle knew how lucky she was to have him, because Kai would do anything for his sister. And thank fuck I liked her, that she was deserving of everything Kai did and would do.
We wondered through the labyrinth of shops, quickly moving through the sector of expensive designer brands, searching for the upscale but affordable stores like Myer or Country Road. Isabelle cooed at a strapless boned corset dress in the window of Universal Store, but we all agreed that the "I don't give a fuck what you wear, just show up" guide from the invite still didn't include a white mini dress, even if Isabelle would have looked stunning in it.
As it turned out, Isabelle was the kind of girl who believed in trying on 1356 different outfits before she'd settle on anything, but none of us begrudged it. Izzy probably hadn't had many shopping days in her life.
"Valerie!" Isabelle called from the change room. She'd taken about 12 different outfits in there, and had had to bat her eyelashes and smile charmingly at the change room attendant to allow that many expensive clothes in the room at any one time. Izzy poked her head out from behind the curtain. "I've found your dress."
"In the... dressing room? They display outfits in there now?"
She rolled her eyes. "No, idiot. I tried the green one on and it was adorable, except my entire tit was out."
Will coughed and pointedly looked toward the ceiling. Kai made a face. They were so mature. They'd taken up residence on a plush couch outside Izzy's change room, so they could rate all her outfit choices as she cat walked up and down the corridor of rooms to their raucous applause. Unsurprisingly, Kai voted strongly against anything that didn't belong in a nunnery, while Will, ever the contrarian, actually seemed to have taste and didn't base his outfit choices on whichever one was most likely to get Izzy mistaken for the pastor.
"Do you want me to get you the next size, then?"
Isabelle shook her head, eyes sparkling. "No need. This is your dress. Trust me." She flung a bundle of emerald green fabric through the gap in the curtain, landing it squarely on my chest. "Go try it on. Seriously."
"I don't want my tit falling out at the wedding reception."
"Are you sure?" Kai asked.
I whacked him in the arm. He grinned.
"Yuck," said Isabelle, now secured behind the curtain again. "To Kai, not your tits Valerie. I'm sure they're wonderful. But they won't fall out, promise. Mine are escape artists who refuse to be caged."
I looked at the dress skeptically.
"I can feel your skepticism," Isabelle continued. "I was trying to put this delicately, but let me rephrase. I have big boobs, and yours are beautiful but less likely to slip out of a top."
I laughed, as Will and Kai made weird sounds of awkwardness from the fucking peanut gallery.
But when I was staring at the green dress in the mirror, I had to admit that Izzy Delaney had me to a T. It was a satin affair, which clung in the right places and hung in others, giving me the illusion of more curves than I actually had. The deep emerald brought out the colour of my eyes, and contrasted with the pale tone of my skin (which would be tanned by next Saturday, goddamn). The bottom fell to just a few inches off my ankle, and a strappy pair of heels would give me the illusion of height. The top was two pieces of satin crossed over, which Isabelle's boobs would never have fit into, but on me, it didn't even look scandalous. It was classy, appropriate and pretty.
"You get me," I called over to Izzy.
She laughed. "Fuck yeah I do."
"Show us!" called Kai.
"Nope," I said.
Kai and Will booed from outside, a deep, low rumble of dissent. They were idiots.
"You can see it at the wedding," I said, slipping out of the dress and changing back into my own clothes.
The boys readily agreed to this, probably a little tired of waiting. They hadn't tried on so much as a suit jacket. Kai, I knew, had donated all the money for his to Isabelle, and Will probably had enough wedding-appropriate outfits already. Cocktail attire was hardly uncommon in our circles, even though Will, like me, was hardly rich rich, like the Cole Knight's and Jameson Miller's of the world.
As if it was destined, Isabelle found her ideal dress in the same store, and even though I loved mine, hers was objectively more stunning. But it would be too overpowering for me; I was pretty, sure, but in a "cute" way, and this dress was a showstopper. It was a deep blue with shimmering detailing along the whole dress. There weren't really words to describe it. No one but Isabelle could pull it off, and she looked stunning in it.
She gave an obligatory twirl, and the boys clapped with mock seriousness, like they were judges on the latest season of Next Top Model.
Isabelle went to the counter to buy her dress, Will in tow, and I followed Kai outside of the store to wait for them; the line was long, but Will insisted he didn't mind waiting with Iz. I'd already grabbed mine in the time it had taken Isabelle to find hers. We could see them through the glass, Will's dark head bent down to talk to Isabelle. On our other side, streams of people passed by, chattering or texting or peering through shop windows, an ever-changing streak of colour and hundreds of different lives. Kai stared into the crowd, his eyes a little unfocused, thinking deeply. I'd never seen him like this; Kai was perpetually attentive, always in the conversation, so noticeably present I imagined that it was one of the things that made him so likeable. It was one of the things I liked about him. But I enjoyed having the opportunity to study him like this, without being interrupted. I could stare, and he wouldn't even tease me for it.
But the words bubbling in my chest were too pressing to ignore.
"I think it's nice of you to pay for Isabelle's dress," I said to Kai, nodding at Izzy. She was at the counter with Will, a bright, beaming smile on her face. Will couldn't have looked more pleased for her.
"I didn't," said Kai. His eyes were dark. "Mum did."
I looked at him with confusion. I knew next to nothing about Maria's condition, but I hadn't mistaken the minute changes in Kai's face during the car ride; I knew Kai like I knew myself, could read the plane of his face because it was written in my native language.
Kai sighed. "I told Mum we were going shopping for new outfits, and she gave me some money to buy a suit."
"And for Isabelle?"
He shook his head.
"Oh."
Maria Delaney, I was starting to realise, was an asshole. Izzy and Kai deserved so much better.
"It's not fair that she loves me when she doesn't love them." Kai still wasn't looking at me, as if he could find the answer to the question that had plagued him for so long amongst the bodies moving to and fro past us, uncaring of the two of many teenagers waiting patiently outside of one of a hundred stores.
We were close, me and Kai Delaney, but he wasn't one to open up. I wasn't sure what it meant that he was opening up to me now. It's not fair that she loves me when she doesn't love them. It wasn't a paltry secret, but something that went into the core of who he was and what he did.
"She loved Isabelle at first, you know. I'm sure she loved Zac once, but I don't remember it. He's not my full brother; only half. When her first husband left, I think that's when she decided Zac wasn't worth it. Staying sober, I guess. She'd always had a tendency to drink too much, but Mum is an emotional person. She can't hold herself up, so she needs someone or something to do it for her. But she blamed Zac for her divorce, and the only crutch she had was a bottle. Then she met my father, and things were okay again. For a little while. She never gave Zac any attention, but Izzy and I were her whole world. And then my father left three years after Isabelle was born. Just when she was getting really good at talking."
It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Maria couldn't love Zac and Isabelle. It wasn't fair that Kai, she had decided, was worth it, and it meant he felt shackled to a woman who didn't deserve him. "I think she loved me because I was the only one he stayed for."
"Kai." There was nothing to say. I'm sorry didn't feel like enough. Kai's eyes were dry, and that somehow made it worse. Because it was devastating, to be loved and have it be a punishment; a curse.
"He would have left anyway, even if there was no Isabelle. Mum doesn't seem to realise that. It's as if she thinks he saw something special in me, something worth staying for, until Isabelle ruined it. If it wasn't for Isabelle, she would probably hate me." Kai smiled then, it stretched across his face like a grimace, as if he could take the sting from his story by pretending it was all okay. "Isabelle is the best thing in my whole life. She makes all this shit worth it, because she is the best person I know. But everyday I still have to live with the knowledge, and make sure she never knows, that the first four years of my life were the best. Because I had a mother and a father who loved each other more than they loved a bottle of vodka, and who loved me."
My heart broke for him, for Isabelle. For Zac.
"But I have to look after Mum. Because I can't ask them to bear the burden of someone who doesn't love them. She loves me, in whatever way she can, and looking after her isn't because I owe her but because I owe them. You understand that, right?"
I nodded, even though it wasn't fair that the penance he paid for Maria Delaney's love—which was a love that paid no dividends, reaped no rewards—was a price that was far too high for an eighteen year old boy to bear.
"I understand," I said. "But I don't think you can keep going like this forever."
Kai smiled sadly. "Maybe not. But I have to try."
Of course he did. That's who Kai was. Someone who was always, always trying. Excelling at everything he put his mind to, because he was dedicated in his pursuit. He was one of the best people I'd ever met.
"I got it!" Isabelle exited the store, waving her bag in the air. I waved my matching one back at her in greeting, pasting a smile across my face that couldn't have felt more forced.
"It's beautiful," I told her.
She grinned. "I know. Want to grab some lunch? I'm thinking Vietnamese." She made a face at her brother. "Why do you look like you've been sucking on a lemon? Did Valerie tell you that she was busy tomorrow and you have to go pine in your room for a whole day?"
"Har, har," said Kai, but Isabelle took the sting out of the insult by linking her arm, almost childlike, through his and setting off toward the food court.
I fell into step beside Will trailing the Delaney's, Isabelle chattering a hundred miles a minute and Kai listening indulgently.
"She's excited," I said to Will, nodding at Izzy.
"Perpetually," Will said. "About everything."
"It's cute."
"Try watching the Bachelor with her. She hits my arm every time Elizabeth goes anywhere near Becky."
"She's pretty excited about the dress. It was nice of... Maria." I wasn't sure if Will knew who was funding Isabelle's gorgeous get-up.
He snorted. "As if Maria paid for a thing. He hasn't said anything, but Kai gave Izzy the money, I'm almost sure of it."
I bit my lip. "Maria paid for it. She just thought she was paying for Kai's suit."
Will's jaw tightened. Will, like Kai, wasn't an angry person. His disposition wasn't quite as sunny; Kai was ever-smiling, always flirty, even-tempered. Will was easily amused, but far more prone to moments of quiet or exasperation. But like Kai, Isabelle Delaney was the point for Will that his unflappable exterior could become anger. "I don't have much time for Maria Delaney," he said.
"I can't imagine you would."
"I hate it. I mean, fuck, I'm glad she's happy. Just look at her. But she hasn't called Maria Mum for years, and it's not even like Maria deserves it."
"It would hurt her more to know," I said, thinking about watching that smile fall from Izzy's face, that glimmer fading from her eyes.
"Yeah," said Will, quietly. "But sometimes I think it would hurt her more to hope. Kai wants to protect her, I get that. He will lie and lie and lie because he wants to spare her any pain. So she almost gives up on Maria, and then she does something nice. She buys her a dress for a wedding, or she leaves Izzy a good luck note in her lunch before her exams. And then Isabelle wonders what she did this time to deserve it. What she did to earn one of the only small bits of kindness she's ever been able to wring from Maria." Will shook his head. "I'm not going to challenge Kai. He's done more than anyone could have asked from him, and a far better job than I would have done. I'm just— I worry for her. That she sometimes feels that she has to earn love."
Kai and Will were so close, and in moments like this it was evident why. It was easy to get to know Kai in all the big ways, but Will was perceptive enough to notice the small things, and kind enough to be trusted with that knowledge. And he loved Isabelle; to Kai, that was worth everything. Will Kennedy, I thought, was probably the first person who'd ever chosen to love Isabelle untainted by obligation or debt. Kai had to; would, regardless of Maria or their father, but still felt like he owed it to her because she had been robbed of it. Will just liked Izzy because she was Isabelle, and even though I was certain Isabelle Delaney would inspire love her whole life, because she was funny and bright and full of life, I also knew she wouldn't forget that Will had been her first friend.
"For what it's worth, I think you would have done a pretty good job too," I told him. I nodded at Isabelle, walking in step with Kai ahead of us. "It's not like you don't help."
"Help Kai with Isabelle?" Will seemed honestly, genuinely confused. "Not really."
"Sure you do. You spend time with her, and you have been since she was a kid, when not a lot of people would. She thinks the world of you, and that means a lot."
Will furrowed his eyebrows, but looked oddly touched, as if he hadn't really considered the impact he had on Isabelle Delaney's life, and, by proxy, on Kai's. "I don't know, I don't think it's quite like that. She's always been a good kid, even when she was four and chasing us around with water guns. I don't feel obligated to spend time with her, except maybe when she makes me watch The Bachelor. It's not like I'm some kind of... I don't know, extra brother. I've always spent time with her because I like her. We're friends."
"Yeah, I know. But it helps anyway."
Will seemed almost uncomfortable at this revelation. He had to know all of this already, but I can imagine it would be difficult to acknowledge that something you did without thought, something you just wanted to do, was a lifeline for someone else. It wasn't always easy to hold someone else up, especially when you didn't realise you were doing so.
He smiled wryly, the kind of smile that deflected attention. He was different to Kai in that way too; Kai, like Izzy, loved attention, and while Will didn't seem to mind it, he didn't revel in it the same way the Delaney siblings did. "Well, hey, it's not like I'm the only one helping. Kai told me what you did with the car."
With the car? The blackmail? I knew Kai told Will everything, but surely not this.
"With the car?" I echoed.
A touch of confusion furrowed Will's brow. "Yeah. I mean, you're letting him pay you back whenever he can."
"Oh, right," I said. Kai had made me sound far kinder than I actually was in that scenario, you know, given I used that situation to blackmail him into pretending to be my boyfriend. Which not only made me sound like a dick, but a pathetic dick. "It's fine. I don't need the money."
Will nudged me with his elbow. "Yeah, I know. But it helps anyway."
I was starting to get the feeling that I would be friends with Will Kennedy for a long, long time.
"Still, it's fucked he even has to pay for it," Will said. "Then again, Maria has never been one to clean up her own messes."
Maria?
"It's hardly the first time. Kai never lets her drive usually; hasn't since he got his license. You know my dad had to teach him to drive because Maria was never sober enough to help? He still feels so shit about the car though—he really is sorry—but I try to tell him it's not his fault. He ducked inside for half a second, but he regrets leaving the keys in the car." Will smiled at me, a grateful smile. "Anyway, I guess I'm just glad you understood and don't blame him for it."
Oh. Oh. I thought about the way Kai drove, all careful precision and anxious, watchful eyes. Attentive, focussed. Not the kind of person who would lose focus and crash into me, not just a nick but a careless, uncontrolled smash. It wasn't the kind of crash characteristic of Kai, and yet I'd never stopped to consider that perhaps he hadn't been driving. Maria was a fucking bitch. And so was I, really, because I'd blackmailed Kai for something he hadn't even done in the lamest way possible. He'd never even held it against me.
I'd like to think I'd blackmailed him in the loosest sense of the word. I mean, really, I would've given him time to pay me back anyway. But still, asshole wanker behaviour.
Kai, who worked long hours at the workshop to pay the excess on my car. It wasn't much money, but shit, he was paying two grand for the crime of leaving his keys with Maria in the car.
"I would never blame him." My voice came out a little weak, but Will either didn't notice, or did the courtesy of pretending he didn't.
I would never blame Kai, but I blamed myself a little bit.
Fuck.