Content warnings; none
Songs I listened to for this chap;
slipping through my fingers- abba
hey there Delilah- plain white ts
rome- dermot kennedy
it will rain- Bruno mars
I recollected the moment I've met all of my friends for the first time. The sun was vivid that day, the school halls echoed with laughter and voices. Their faces were fulfilled with euphoria, as mine were filled with fretfulness when I walked through those school halls for the first time. However, I relished having friends who showed me what it felt like to be cared for.
They welcomed me with open arms and had my back since day one—no matter what circumstance came my way.
But all of it diminished because of my imprudent mistakes. Yet here I was, fighting for their forgiveness—fighting for them to hear the truth about everything. They were so honest with me, they trusted me and I've been lying to them since the beginning because I wanted to fit in.
I wanted to feel included.
Though, in the end, that simply had gotten me nowhere. I couldn't help, but to think that maybe things would've been different if I had been transparent, if I had told them how much I needed them, if I told them how much I loved Eren.
But I was unsure at the time—I was unsure of how things would turn out—I was unsure of how I've felt, until it was too late. And now, it feels as if there were a mountain between me and them.
I snapped back into reality, staring at all of my ex friends sitting across from me. It was finally time to tell them the truth, whether they would forgive me or not. I couldn't dwell on that forever. My broken past—the one I held in for years. Internally screaming, mentally feeling alone, aphonic suffering and wondering if my life was worthwhile.
"I asked you guys to meet me here for one reason. I need to tell you all the truth." I huffed, timorously fidgeting with my fingers.
Ymir scoffed, "Sure which version of it? You lying bitch." She voiced, indignantly.
I closed my eyes and let out a hefty sigh, "The version I should've told you all from the start." I responded, disregarding her evident bitterness towards me.
"I don't have all day." Sasha said, crossing her arms impatiently.
"Truth is, I've never been enrolled into a public school before. I grew up in solitary, so all of this was actually new to me—even having friends." I elucidated, reddening from how sheepish I felt.
I perceived how muddled they looked, but that didn't stop me. No matter how uneasy I felt, I needed to tell them everything.
"I watched my mother pass away in front of me at such a young age and since then, I was always alone because my father was never around. And recently, I found out he's never coming home to me again." I continued, my eyes glossy from tears that were emerging.
"Oh, (Y/N)... I had no idea." Historia stated, her eyes softening.
"When I found out he left, I lacerated myself and then tried to end my life, but Eren saved me." I stated, as I pulled up my arm sleeve, giving them the view of my freshly scarred cuts.
"(Y/N), why didn't you come to us?! We would've helped you!" Armin stated, apprehensively. Everyone else remained silent, staring at my arm.
"I feel even worse than before." Hanji exclaimed, slamming her head into the table.
"That picture you guys saw—Eren didn't hurt me, it was the exact moment he saved me. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here right now." I said, watching the salty tear drops fall into my lap.
"A part of me always knew Eren wasn't the type to hurt anyone." Annie spoke, her eyes stone cold.
"It wasn't the first time Eren had saved me. He saved me from a bear when we got lost in the woods and he saved me in Paris from getting assaulted." I avowed, grateful that fate had brought us together.
"So, you fell in love with him because he was your personal superhero?" Connie questioned, rolling his eyes.
"No! It was deeper than that, much deeper and I—And we, had a connection and for some reason, something always brought us together. Willingly or not." I proclaimed.
"So, what does this have to do with Jean exactly?" Reiner questioned, crossing his arms.
"I'm telling you this because I never meant to hurt Jean intentionally. Whatever happened between Eren and I wasn't intentional either." I retaliated.
"You do realize that was more than a stab to the heart to Jean?" Sasha queried, frowning at me.
"I should've told him sooner, but I was unsure myself. I know, it's no excuse and I'm deeply sorry." I apologized sincerely, hoping someone would understand where I was coming from.
"It's not your fault. None of us truly knew what was going on in Jean's head. If he wasn't mentally okay this entire time, then we've all failed as friends." Historia averted, reassuringly. She truly was the only one who was understanding and stood by me when no one else would.
"It's a pity party for you, huh? What about us? How do you think we feel? We've lost our best friend." Ymir remarked irately, glowering at Historia and I.
"I know and I will never forgive myself, but it'll be a lot better if someone else could." I averted, glumly.
"I get you had a pathetic life, but no chance in hell would I forgive you." Ymir voiced, throwing a rude gesture at me.
"I want to, but I can't, (Y/N)." Sasha muttered. I noticed tears in her eyes, but she suppressed them the best way that she could.
"I can't." Connie commented, shaking his head.
"I don't forgive you, (Y/N)." Mikasa replied, shooting me a daggering glare.
"He was my brother. I'm sorry, (Y/N)." Reiner spoke, Bertholdt agreeing with him.
"I need time to think." Annie commented, before walking out of the door.
"I forgive you, (Y/N)." Historia smiled, grabbing my trembling hands.
"And so do I." Hanji agreed, placing her hand on top of Historia's.
"I do too." Armin spoke softly.
Even after I told everyone the truth, it was never going to be enough for them. My heart was in shambles and I knew I had no other choice, but to leave this stupid town. I couldn't stay here anymore, the guilt would kill me anyway.
I closed my eyes and reminisced. Everything I ever dreamt of, turned into a nightmare.
I walked home to Eren's, dragging my feet and feeling utterly doleful.
If I leave, I won't tell anyone—even Eren. I'll just run and figure out life from there.
I saw Eren standing outside, waiting for my arrival.
"Hey, how did it go?" He questioned, lightly holding onto my fingers after I had approached him.
"Not good, but it's what I expected anyway." I spoke, my voice low from despair.
"I know love, but cheer up! I brought someone here for you." Eren stated, pulling my arm elsewhere, until I was face to face with a familiar silhouette.
"Dad?" I questioned, unsure if this was some sort of hallucination. I couldn't decide whether I was glad to see him or if I didn't want to see him at all.
"(Y/N)..." He called out.
"What are you doing here? I don't understand." I queried, swiftly glowering at the sight of him. It peeved me how he thought he could show up with no sort of explanation.
He peered over at Eren, "This young man here wouldn't give up on me and somehow, it was a true eye opener for how much we need each other." He elucidated, as he stared into my eyes.
I avoided eye contact and faced Eren, obscured and speechless. "Eren? What is he talking about? What did you do?" I queried.
"Ever since you dialed your father's number on my phone, I went out my way to call him everyday. I begged and begged for him to come see you because I knew you needed proper closure. I have a fear that maybe I'm not enough for you." Eren explained, his eyes softening whenever he managed to look at me.
"You're more than enough. Thank you, Eren. It means a lot that you'd go the extra mile for me." I faintly smiled.
"I figured you needed to make amends with your father too. Maybe someday, I'll make amends with mine." He muttered, softly.
I fixated my eyes back to my father's. It almost felt impractical to make eye contact with him.
"Where were you all these years? You can't just show up and expect me to be happy to see you." I said, unfathomable tears falling down my cheeks. I didn't know if I felt dispelled or resentful.
"I wasn't here a lot and I've realized this, but I left to protect you." He asserted, his tone becoming more stern.
"Protect me from what? Even after mom died, you were completely absent. You never even acknowledged her anymore—like you forgot about her. And me." I uncontrollably sobbed—Frustration swiftly darkened my thoughts, tears clouding my eyesight.
"Do you know who I see every time I look at you?" He questioned.
"Do you know who I see every time I look at you? I don't see my father, I see someone who permanently desecrated my heart." I ululated, creasing my eyebrows.
"I know. I was a terrible father and I deserve to hear every hurtful word you could ever think of." He stated, before lowering his eyes.
"I want the truth. Where have you been all these years?" I demanded, my face tinted red from vexation.
"I'm affiliated with a dangerous job, (Y/N). There is always a target on my back and there's one on yours too. Why do you think those men attacked you that day when you were younger?" He explained.
I lowered my eyes, unscrambling my hazy thoughts. There were many pieces of my life that I always felt were absent.
"I hated working this job, but if I had done one thing differently, I could've lost you too." He admitted, his eyes glistening from tears that were reluctant to fall.
The last time I had ever saw my father cry, was when my mother passed. Ever since that day, there was never any emotion on his face or in his eyes. He was completely shallow—he wasn't the loving father that I once remembered.
"Why work a job you hate? Why work a job that tore you away from your family?" I asked, distressed.
"Because it was the only way to keep you and your mother fed—It was the only way to keep a roof over your heads. I risked my life day in and day out for the two of you." He elucidated.
I scoffed, "How did mom die?" I mumbled weakly.
"She died trying to protect me. Your mother was a fighter, (Y/N)—and so are you. Before she died, she told me to train you the best way that I could. I did it for her and for you." He smiled through his tears.
"Why did you have a family if you knew it came with a risk?" I queried, slightly creasing my eyebrows.
"I wasn't planning on it, but fate said otherwise. I met your beautiful mother and it was love at first sight— and then we had you, (Y/N). What could've been a greater blessing than that?" He smiled.
"You came back because Eren told you to, but not when I needed you." I asserted, scowling.
"No, (Y/N). I came back because I want you to come home. Nothing in this world is worth losing my daughter again." He held out his hand, waiting for me to grab it.
For what felt like an eternity, he finally looked at me with loving eyes again. The same eyes I remembered when I was kid—back when my life had meaning, when I felt loved.
My eyes broadened. A single tear fell down my face, as I reached out for my father's hand—It was almost like I acted on impulse. The world around me dwindled and it felt as if time itself were frozen. Most days without my father, I cried—sometimes for hours. But those days when I was with him, there was no greater feeling. The anguish had subdued my heart for so long, but it finally fissured. And in the end, I knew I needed him.
I hated my father, but I loved him so much.
What was the point in staying in a town that never needed me in the first place anyway? In the end, all I ever did was cause misery and affliction for everyone else.
I came to a halt once I felt Eren's cold and shaky hands, pulling my wrist towards his direction. I turned around and noticed the tears that were streaming down his face.
"You can't leave. I asked him to come see you, not to take you away from me." He voiced, his grip tightening around my wrist even more.
"Eren... I want to stay, but I have this weight on my shoulders and..." I sobbed, "And everything I do revolves around Jean. I don't want to forget about him, but I want to forget about the things I've done and being here won't help me with that." I explained, weeping.
"No, fuck that. We can run away together, (Y/N). I'll give you the world—I'll give you all that I have. Please, just don't go." Eren begged, his voice cracking from the heartache he felt.
I turned around, facing my father, knowing that I was entirely wrong about him. Even when I felt like he was always absent, he did what he needed to do to provide for me, to protect me, to shelter me.
He hurt me, but he was only doing it to keep me alive.
He sobbed, "(Y/N), I love you so much. I know this week has been tough on you and I don't blame you for wanting to leave, but please look at me. I need you." Eren proclaimed, pulling me away from my father with all of his strength. I flew into his hardened chest, listening to how fast his heart was beating and how heavy his breaths were.
"Eren, I promised you that a part of me would always be with you." I replied, rummaging my fingers through his hair.
"You don't get it, (Y/N). I don't want a part of you, I want all of you." He disputed, bitterly.
I looked up at him and gazed into his teal-green eyes, as tears were starting blur my eyesight again. I gauchely stared up at him, utterly speechless. He stared into my eyes so fondly, as tears continuously fell down his rosy cheeks. His hands were trembling, but he still held onto me tightly.
"I've been uncertain about plenty of shit in my life, but I've never been uncertain about loving you." Eren stated, gently wiping the tears that were falling from my eyes.
"Oh, Eren..." I muttered weakly. I gently caressed his cheek with my left hand and watched the tension in his body loosen. He closed his gorgeous eyes, as his face leaned into my hand—savoring the feeling I was giving him.
"I wondered if love was ever worth fighting for, but when I look at you, I'm ready for war." He spoke, gently lifting up my chin.
I stared into his eyes, as speechless as ever.
He sighed, "Goddamn it, (Y/N). You make everything so fucking hard, but I love you so damn much." Eren stated, before letting me go and breaking eye contact with me.
"I'm not good at goodbyes, but I want you to be happy and if leaving is going to make you happy, then who am I to stop you?" He continued, his eyes glossy from tears.
"Eren, I..."
"Thank you for making me smile and laugh when I needed it the most. Wherever you are or wherever I am after this, I know that all of those moments between us were real." He stated, gazing at me with his teal-green mesmerizing eyes again.
"Of course they were." I silently weeped again, grabbing his hands once more.
"No matter what you choose, I know you'll make the right decision." He reassured, delicately kissing me on the lips. When he departed his lips from mine, I couldn't help but to pull him in for more.
Hearing his solacing voice, feeling his cordial hands, kissing his plump and tepid lips made everything so much harder. We looked at each other for mere seconds with sorrowful eyes. His eyes were begging for me to stay, while mine were telling him I wanted to leave.
Each and every step that led me closer to my father, made my chest throb with heartbreak. As much as I wanted to disdain how abysmally my heart ached, I couldn't—I couldn't resist it anymore. My mind was telling me to go, but my heart wanted me to stay.
I couldn't leave Eren. I always knew something was instinctively drawing me towards him and for the longest time, I didn't know whether it was fate, pure coincidence or something more.
But I know now that it was love.
I sprinted right back into Eren's embrace, "Eren, I can't make this choice." I wailed, feeling conflicted.
He lifted up my chin, "...No, (Y/N). You're the only one who can." He replied in a dulcet tone.
I blinked away my tears and wrapped my arms around Eren's waist. In a quick response, he kissed the top of my head and held my waist tightly.
I didn't want to let him go.
"(Y/N)?" My father called out.
"I won't fucking leave him! You lost me long ago when you were never around." I voiced, facing my father once more, as angry tears escaped from my eyes.
"I'll always love you, (Y/N). Remember that promise." I heard my father shout, but his voice faded away like white noise.
Eren had given me a feeling no other person had ever given me before. He showed me what it felt like to be alive, to feel loved—even when he needed it himself. I was lost for years, but I found myself through Eren and he found his love through me. I'd go through rain, if it meant sunshine for him.
Home felt like it was nonexistent when I was with my father, but with Eren, it was more than that.
I knew I was my father's entire world, but he was never mine.
"Let's run away, (Y/N). I know you hate it here." Eren suggested. He gently pulled my arm and we ran away from my father and everything else that were behind us.
I'm sorry, dad. I'll always love you.
We didn't know where we were going, but it didn't matter anymore. What mattered most to me, was that I was with Eren.
Now and forever.
"Let's see where life leads us. We'll figure everything out as we go along. If you don't want to be here, then we're leaving. As long as I have you by my side, I'll be just fine." Eren stated, holding onto my hand.
"What about your mom?" I asked with worrisome.
"We'll figure it out, darling. I promise." He smiled, pecking my cheek.
My mind transposed back to Historia and Hanji, the only two who seemed to care about my existence now. I know how much it would devastate them if I just leave without saying goodbye, but maybe it's better this way. All I want for them is to be happy and go back to living their lives—the calm they had before the storm.
It almost felt as if I were running away from my problems—away from Jean, but the truth is, I never belonged here.
Though, a part of Jean will always be within me.
"I'll miss everyone." I blurted out, starting to cry once more. I couldn't forget how much my life has changed since I've met them. I've learned to love myself, I've learned to be free and I couldn't have done that without them.
I couldn't seem to forget about the memories I've created with them; movie nights, hanging out at the park, humorous times at school and even going to Paris.
"I'll miss them too, but wherever you go, I go." Eren reassured, intertwining our fingers.
"Are you going to tell them goodbye?" I asked, unsure if Eren really wanted to do this. I couldn't seem to read his expressions.
He stopped momentarily, "A part of me will always be with them and I think they know that. Besides, it doesn't matter what I want to do, it's about what you want to do." He replied, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.
"Are you sure you want to do this? I mean—leaving everyone behind? For me?" I asked, slightly feeling guilty.
"The real question is, do you?" He said, studying my facial expressions.
I shifted my gaze towards the ground.
"I'm going to take care of you, (Y/N). If anything is bad for your mental health, we're going to run away from it, okay?" He continued, kissing my hand.
I nodded.
"I told you I would always fight for you, (Y/N). I was willing to do it right then and there, but I wanted to put your happiness first over mine." He reassured.
There was nothing left for me in Shiganshina, but my wrongdoings, enmity, regrets and sorrow. If I could take Historia and Hanji with me, I would, but they have families and friends—and that's one thing I couldn't strip away from them. Though, one particular inevitable question kept popping in my mind;
Do I really want to do this or am I acting on impulse?
"I want to leave, Eren. I caused so much conflict in the span of a month. They deserve to live their lives without me in it." I answered, sternly.
"So then, I'll live my life with you in it." He responded, his cheeks flustered.
The sunset was indescribably artistic. The sky was an amalgam of yellow, purple, and orange hue, the clouds were mellow, fluffy, and white, the wind was blustering, the grass looked soft and greener, and the air felt sultry. It were almost as if I were walking in some sort of realistic painting.
"You and me forever, (Y/N)." Eren whispered, staring into the sunset that laid in front of us. I looked over at him and discerned how carefree his eyes were, how perfect his hair managed to blow in the wind, how detailed his features were, how his aura radiated genuine happiness and freedom, how in love I was.
"Forever." I replied in a soft whisper.
My life was like a book with the most bittersweet ending. I've gained some and I've lost some. Through all of the mistakes—I've learned, through all of the tears—there were smiles, and through all of the dark—there was light, but there was one thing that made it all worthwhile in the end.
And that one thing was Eren.
I finally found someone who was worth fighting for and it's safe to say that he'd fight for me too. He's my person. He has shown me countless of times how much I've meant to him, how much he loves me—and for that, I am forever grateful.
I wouldn't fight for him, if I was okay with losing him.
As long as I'm breathing on this Earth Eren, I'll always fight for you.
A/N: the end? maybe not :P who knows.