Chapter track-
Never enough- Loren Allred
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Bianca
"I'll kill you if you forget about me even for a minute." I threaten, glaring up at him.
"I wouldn't be able to do that even if I tried to do so."
"I wish you could stay for Christmas." I bury my face in his chest, trying to breathe in as much of his body fragrance as I can. But I'm sure that no amount is enough.
"I wish that too."
Although he is right here, wrapping me in his warm embrace, I am already beginning to miss him. Two months without him feels too hard to tolerate.
"I love you too much," I whisper.
"I love you more."
Holidays make me happy, a visit to Gangtok makes me happier but Christmas make me the happiest. I have all the reasons to be happy this year yet not having Neil by my side is equally upsetting. I'm elated about seeing my parents who are coming home for the holidays but at the same time, a departure from Neil is heartbreaking—He has to go home as well.
"Won't you give me a Christmas present?"
"What do you want, babe?" He asks, kissing the top of my head.
"This," I say, grabbing the maroon hoodie he is wearing by my fists. "I'll hug it when I miss you?"
"Sure," He tries to take it off when I stop him abruptly.
"Not right now, stupid." I laugh.
It is a cold winter evening and because we are by my balcony, the breeze is trying its best to freeze us to death. Yet, the act of getting entangled with him is worth even dying for.
"You too have to give this to me if you want my hoodie." He pats my upper back, referring to my sweatshirt. I nod in response while looking up at him. "Weren't you wearing this when I saw you for the first time on this balcony?"
"You still remember?"
"I remember everything of you." He kisses my smile but I pull him closer as I throw my arms around his neck and he easily picks me up, helping me to secure my legs around his waist.
I've done it so many times but my poor brain still doesn't know how to tone down the butterflies in my belly, instead, with every other step I take with Neil, the level of adrenaline only went up higher and higher. So much so that my heart is almost on a verge of exploding, and the truth is, I never want it to stop, the feeling is too beautiful and exciting to desire its feeble effects on me.
............
The next day, although we went up late to our beds, we wake up even earlier than usual, as decided, just so that we can spend a bit more time together before he leaves.
We don't even talk much since the silence that we are sharing this moment is even more intimate. I'm trying my best not to cry, but the tears that are rolling down my cheeks are unstoppable, the heartache is just too overwhelming. I know I'm overreacting because, seriously- he is just going home for vacation, not to fight a damn war or so and I am secretly praying that Neil wouldn't laugh at my face or tell me not to cry, I mean, that would've been so freaking embarrassing, but my boy just knows how to impress me even more—he doesn't speak a word. All he does is tighten his grip around me, silently telling me how he is equally distressed by our temporary detachment.
I'm glad and equally nervous to be reintroduced to his parents as his girlfriend, but I am sad—he is leaving. They look more than happy to see me, but I am sad because he is leaving. He promises to call and text me almost every second, but I am sad because he is leaving.
My heart feels a painful squeeze as I see him purse his lips and force a smile before he heads inside his car and Penzo puts his arm around and pats me gently as he speaks- "Don't worry, we're still here for you."
I force a smile as well as I see the vehicle leave and I am still so damn sad because he left.
.........
"Will you please, for the love of God, turn your phone silent?" Sia complains. "If I hear the sound of your ringtone or that bloody ding one more time, I'm seriously going to end up ripping all the hair from my head."
I roll my eyes but I chose to obey her anyway.
Since the moment he left town, we have been chatting and calling each other like crazy. He was surely not kidding when he told me that he was going to text all the time.
"Really, Bia. Are you even here?" Penzo groans. "You're supposed to be celebrating this season with your loved ones, like physically." He then quietly takes the phone out of my hand and puts it up on the living room shelf that I can't even reach.
"But-" I jump off the couch trying to argue with him but he cuts me off short.
"Shush," He puts a finger on his lips, ordering me to shut up. "I'll return it to you after a serious match of 'Scotland yard'." He says, dramatically gesturing his hands on the floor where Sia is enthusiastically spreading out the board game while displaying her puppy eyes at me. I wonder how he is best friends with Keith when he seems to get along more with his twin sister.
Of course, I'm missing Neil and the connection we still have because of our phones is amazing, yet it is too uncomfortable at times. I barely get to talk with anyone else.
"Okay," I sigh loudly and slump down on the floor. "But just one match." I point my finger at him, trying my best to look bored already.
"Yay!" Sia chimes.
"But how on earth are we supposed to play this game with just the three of us?" I ask.
"I'll play," Keith announces, lazily pushing his phone away in the corner of the couch.
"Me too." Aviral runs out of the kitchen and jumps excitedly on Sia's lap.
"Avi, you know I love you like crazy but now you are too damn big to sit on my lap." My little brother grumpily agrees with his cousin and sits beside her with his legs crossed.
The single game soon turns into a second match when my father comes in, seriously trying his best to understand the rules but failing to keep up every time. So, he forces us to stop the game midway and join him to play snake and ladder. Eventually, uncle Sanjeev and grandpa join us as well, leaving our grandma, mom and aunt Deepika in the kitchen, who seem like they're having a blast experimenting with the recipes and keeping up with the new gossip.
I've been laughing so hard and the environment and the people I'm surrounded with make me feel content. However, my eyes can't seem to stop looking up constantly, in search of my phone. I miss him and I imagine how better the moment could've been even if he'd been here with me as well. I really want him to meet my parents as well and spend a joyful time with us like family, but I know it's too much to ask.
...
Penzo finally returns my phone after dinner and my eyes go wide with shock when I look at my screen—11 missed calls and 32 unread messages—
hey
what are you doing?
you there?
heyyyy
babe
what's wrong?
hey
where are you?
why aren't you picking up?
what's wrong?
pick up
babe
pick up your call
I hadn't even finished reading half of the texts when the phone vibrates in my hands.
"Hey," I say, feeling a bit guilty.
He sighs heavily before speaking, "Where were you? Why were you not replying or answering my calls? Are you alright? Are you-
"I'm fine, Neil," I cut him off before he continues rambling on his worried interrogation.
"Then, why?"
"I'm so sorry." I bite my lower lip. "I was playing board games with my family and had dinner after that," I explain.
"You should've just informed. I was worried sick." I smile at his statement.
"I wonder what makes you worry so much."
"Well, you haven't yet explained the reason why you didn't inform me before disappearing just like that."
"Penzo hid away my phone."
"Wh-? Penzo? Why was he at your place?"
"He's here like all the time." I roll my eyes, almost laughing at how funny Penzo can be at times. "I'd say he's practically living here if he wasn't leaving just to sleep at his house."
Neil goes quiet for such a long time that I had to check if the call is still connected.
"Why the hell did he hide your phone?" It isn't loud but it is no brain to figure out that he is getting angry now.
"They just wanted me to play with them." I sigh. "Babe, I want to be the first one to wish you a New year tomorrow." I smartly change the topic.
"Well, we have to see about that."
"Why?"
"Maybe people might still be interested in keeping your phone away, considering the fact that it's our only medium of connection right now." I'm not as smart as I thought I was.
"Neil, you're putting it into a whole different way," I say, already defeated by the argument. "I'm already sad for not being with you right now. Please don't make it worse by making me feel guilty." I pout, although he is unable to see it.
He finally lets out a sigh followed by an apology and that elaborates into a beautiful conversation before we doze off to sleep.
.......
We are having a small party at our house for new years eve, just like the kind we've been having every day since Christmas. The only difference is that we are graced this time not just with Penzo but also his parents who turns out to be equally witty as their son. There are a few other relatives from my mother's side as well, who came from the southern part of Sikkim.
Playing all the childish games with grown-ups, an awful lot of karaoke singing and dancing is fun for sure, but deep inside my heart, a fragment of fear still lingers.
He informed me in the morning that he'd be going out for a picnic with his friends. I won't deny it, I was worried. He promised me that I could trust him but with the history he had with his friends and substances, how can I not worry? He isn't a child, of course, nobody can force him into the things he's unwilling to take. But all I know is that it is too soon to experiment and that kind of environment can make him vulnerable.
I was relieved for a while when he called me after he returned, but we didn't talk much. He told me to spend time with the guests and we agreed on calling each other at midnight. He didn't sound angry or something which was even more worrisome. He could be doing substances in his room itself. There are so many negative thoughts running through my mind that it is getting impossible for me to be completely present in the place I physically am.
It is 11 pm and I can't take it anymore so I start ringing him up. My heart is pounding louder and louder with every call he is unable to receive. It is like having the worst time of my life because I don't just have to pretend to be okay but also about having fun when internally I am in a full-on panic mode.
"HAPPY NEW YEAR." The world celebrates with me still disappointed with more unreceived calls.
What a horrible way of beginning a year.
Soon after a small prayer led by grandpa, I continue calling him. Call me crazy but I'm worried sick.
I really don't want to be mad at him on his birthday itself.
With no amount of response from Neil, I finally decide to call his mom. The number he saved on my contact list comes out useful after all.
I wasn't expecting of her to pick up so soon but she does within the end of the first ring itself.
"Hello," Her voice is calm, and that does help the tiniest bit of me to calm down as well.
"Hello, auntie," That calmness in me vanishes into thin air with the realization that I need to talk to her about the most uncomfortable situation regarding her son. "I'm so sorry for calling you this late."
"It's okay, dear. I wasn't asleep anyway."
"Umm." I hesitate and clear my throat before continuing, "Is Neil okay? I mean, he was supposed to call me but he hasn't been responding to my calls since a very long time."
"He's okay, honey. There's nothing to worry about, he just fell asleep early today."
"Umm, okay," I say, still not satisfied. "Will you please still check on him, like, right now? I mean, is he sleeping normally?" My mind raced back to the thought of the evening when he had a seizure attack.
She goes quiet for a while but eventually agreed to my request.
I put all my focus on the call, so I hear her footsteps and the sounds produced by the doors.
"Don't worry, Bianca. He's still sound asleep." I finally let out the breath I didn't know I was holding for such a long time. "Happy New Year, honey." She says, but I don't miss the smile I heard within her voice as she stated those words.
"Happy New Year, auntie."
I completely made a fool of myself in front of her. What a happy New year.
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A/N: So, what do you think?
I know a lot has happened in this chapter and it's longer than usual as well, but you can't blame me, it's getting interesting, don't you agree?
Anyway, please comment and let me know your opinions.
P.S.: Don't forget to vote.
Happy reading,
Love ya<3