Atychiphobia: Fear of Failure
Aurelia hated talking about her past.
It wasn't something she did often. The only person who knew about Puerto Rico or Circe's Island was Jason, and even after Aurelia told him, they never spoke of it again. If Percy still had his memory, maybe he would have known as well, but now he was going to know. Well, know some of it.
"Do not mention our relation," Aurelia requested as she hurried after Reyna was storming towards the principia in a fit of rage from the senate meeting. Reyna didn't verbally answer and Aurelia was trying to calm her down a little before they entered their meeting with Percy. She had gotten her necklace back and was feeling better now that the fear she had been holding was inside her Ferrum Temoris.
Reyna stormed into the principia, her purple cloak billowing, and her greyhounds at her feet. Aurelia came in quietly afterwards, closing the doors and ensuring they were locked so they wouldn't be interrupted.
Percy was sitting in one of the praetor chairs that he'd pulled to the visitor side. His eyes widened at Reyna's expression as Octavian's warning flashed through his mind. "The last person Reyna and Aurelia had a private talk with was Jason Grace. And that was the last time I ever saw him." Percy noticed the way Aurelia's brows furrowed slightly when she saw him. He was sitting in Jason's old chair. Percy started to stand.
"Stay seated," Reyna growled. "You two leave after lunch. We have a lot to discuss."
She plunked her dagger so hard, the jelly bean bowl rattled. Aurum and Argentum took their posts on her left and right and fixed their ruby eyes on Percy.
"What'd I do wrong?" Percy asked. "If it's about the chair—"
"It is not you," Aurelia assured Percy as she grabbed a small handful of jelly-beans. "We hate senate meetings. When Octavian gets talking ..."
Percy nodded. "You guys are warriors. Octavian is a talker. Put him in front of the senate, and suddenly he becomes the powerful one."
Reyna narrowed her eyes at Percy. "You're smarter than you look."
"Gee, thanks. I hear Octavian might get elected praetor, assuming the camp survives that long."
"Which brings us to the subject of doomsday," Reyna said, "and how you might help prevent it. But before I place the fate of Camp Jupiter in your hands, we need to get a few things straight." She sat down and put her ring on the table—a band of silver etched with a sword-and-torch design, like Reyna's tattoo. "Do you know what this is?"
"The sign of your mother," Percy guessed. "The ... uh, war goddess."
"Bellona, yes." Reyna scrutinized him carefully. "You don't remember where you saw this ring before? You really don't remember us or my sister Hylla?"
Percy shook his head. "I'm sorry."
"It would've been four years ago."
"Just before you came to camp."
Reyna frowned. "How did you—?"
"You've both got four stripes on your tattoo. Four years."
Reyna looked at her forearm, as well as Aurelia's, which you could actually see, since it was no longer concealed by sleeves. "Of course. It seems so long ago. I suppose you wouldn't recall us even if you had your memory. We were just little girls—two attendants among so many at the spa. But you spoke with my sister, just before you and the other one, Annabeth, destroyed our home."
Percy looked at Aurelia, who's pretty blank face betrayed no emotion. Percy remembered the recognition that had flashed in her eyes when she first saw him. The confusion in her eyes when she saw his fear of Annabeth's memory fading. Percy tried to remember. He really did. But he couldn't.
"It's a blank," he said.
Reyna looked at Aurelia who nodded. Neither of the dogs attacked him, but they both snarled like they wanted him to lie just so they could.
Reyna tapped the silver ring. "I believe you're sincere. But not everyone at camp does. Octavian thinks you're a spy. He thinks you were sent here by Gaea to find our weaknesses and distract us. He believes the old legends about the Greeks."
"Old legends?"
Reyna's hand rested between her dagger and the bowl of jelly beans. "Some believe Greek demigods exist. Heroes who follow the older form of the gods. There are legends of battle between Roman and Greek heroes in relatively modern times—The American Civil War, for instance. We have no proof of this, and if our Lares know anything, they refuse to say. But Octavian believes the Greeks are still around, plotting our downfall, working with the forces of Gaea."
"Octavian believes you are one of them." Aurelia's voice was quiet, like she was undecided as well.
"Is that what you two believe?"
"We believe that you came from somewhere," Aurelia murmured. "You are too important and dangerous to not have been from somewhere else."
"Two gods," Reyna said, "have taken a special interest in you since you arrived, so we can deduce that you couldn't be working against Olympus ... or Rome." She shrugged. "Of course, my judgment may be wrong. Perhaps the gods sent you here to test it. But I think ..." She sent an apologetic glance at Aurelia. "I think you were sent here to make up for the loss of Jason."
Aurelia's gaze went downward at his name. Percy noticed. "El," Percy said, quietly. "Were you and Jason ... a couple?"
Aurelia blinked. Besides Reyna, Jason was her first friend at camp. He was the person that stood for her, the person that always offered to be her partner for any activity—her biggest supporter. He challenged her, managed to bring out emotions she believed she wasn't capable of after her mother's death. She turned her head to look at Percy.
He reminded her of Jason. Not physically, of course—they look nothing alike. But they had a similar aura of power, and both stood with a similar set on their shoulders, like they were ready to accept any challenge thrown at them or die trying. It was no wonder Reyna wanted Percy to replace him.
"Jason stood for me," Aurelia said softly. "He became my best friend and before he left . . ." She trailed off, like just thinking about it, about him, was painful. "We were not a couple. But he was a great praetor."
Percy stayed quietly, slowly absorbing the information. What was left unsaid was more than anything Aurelia could have said—she was in love with Jason Grace.
Percy couldn't imagine how much it hurt Aurelia. No one wonder she stayed so impassive. The one boy she let into her heart disappeared.
"Typically," Reyna added, "because praetors work so closely together, they usually end up involved romantically. That was not the case for Jason. He was only praetor for a few months before he disappeared. Ever since then, Octavian has been pestering me, agitating for new elections. I've resisted. I need a partner in power—but I'd prefer someone like Jason. A warrior. Not a schemer."
The silent invitation slowly sunk into Percy. "Oh ... you mean ... oh."
"I believe the gods sent you here to help me," Reyna said. "I don't understand where you came from, any more than I did four years ago. But I think your arrival is some sort of repayment. For both of us." Reyna's hand passed over Aurelia's. "You destroyed our home once. Now you've been sent here to save our new home. I no longer hold a grudge against you for the past, Percy. My sister hates you still, it's true, but Fate brought us here to Camp Jupiter. We've done well." She looked at Aurelia who met her gaze with a small smile. " All I ask is that you work with me for the future. I intend to save this camp."
Percy couldn't bring himself to meet Reyna's eyes, so he settled for Aurelia's. She had a great poker face, but her eyes gave her away. This conversation was painful for her. She still believed Jason was alive—she still had hope he would return.
"Look, I'll help," Percy promised. "But I'm new here. You've got a lot of good people in this camp better than I do. If we succeed on this quest, Hazel and Frank will be heroes. Aurelia is already very influential. You could ask one of them—"
"Please," Reyna rolled her eyes. "No one will follow a child of Pluto. There's something about that girl ... rumors about where she came from ... No, she won't do. And Frank Zhang may have a good heart, but he's hopelessly naive and inexperienced. Besides if the others found out about his family history at this camp—"
"Family history?"
Reyna looked at Aurelia. "And as much as I would Aurelia at my side, not enough people would like the daughter of Pavor in an even higher position of power." That and the rules that two people from the same bloodline, whether it be mortal or godly, are not allowed to both be praetors. Even though virtually no one knew, it would still be a betrayal of the camp of Aurelia even attempt to be become praetor with Reyna holding the other position.
"You are the only choice Percy," Reyna continued. "You are a seasoned veteran. I've seen what you can do. A son of Neptune wouldn't be my first choice, but if you return successfully from this legion, we may be saved. The praetorship would be yours for the taking. Together, you and I could expand the power of Rome. We could raise an army and find the Doors of Death, crush Gaea's forces once and for all. You would find me a very helpful ... friend."
Aurelia could sense Reyna's attraction towards Percy: towards the prospect of his power, and his looks. But Aurelia also remembered her cousin's conversation with the goddess of love so long ago, and could already guess that her offer wouldn't be met with agreement.
Aurelia could feel Percy get anxious. "Reyna ... I'm honored, and all. Seriously. But I've got a girlfriend. And I don't want power, or a praetorship."
"A man who turns down power?" Reyna mused. "That's not very Roman of you. Just think about it. In four days, I have to make a choice. If we are to fight off an invasion, we must have two strong praetors. I'd prefer you, but if you fail on your quest, or don't come back, or refuse my offer ... Well, I'll work with Octavian. I mean to save this camp, Percy Jackson. Things are worse than you realize."
"How bad?" Percy asked.
Reyna nails dug into the table. "Even the senate doesn't know the whole truth. I've asked Octavian not to share his auguries, or we'd have mass panic. He's seen a great army marching south, more than we can possibly defeat. They're led by a giant."
"Alcyoneus?"
"I don't think so. If he's truly invulnerable in Alaska, he'd be foolish to come here himself. It must be one of his brothers."
"Great," Percy huffed. "So we've got two giants to worry about."
The praetor nodded. "Lupa and her wolves are trying to slow them down, but this force is too strong even for them. The enemy will be here soon. By the Feast of Fortuna at the very latest."
Aurelia read the emotions in the room. "Yes, it is bad, but it is not hopeless. If we succeed on our quest: in bringing back our eagle and releasing Death so we can actually kill our enemies, then we stand a chance. And there is one more possibility ..."
Aurelia and Reyna shared a look of knowing. Reyna slid the silver ring across the table. "I can't give you much help, but your journey will take you close to Seattle. I'm asking for a favor, which may also help you. Find my sister Hylla."
"Your sister ... the one that hates me?"
"Oh, yes," Reyna agreed. "She knows Aurelia, so she will be inclined to listen to her regardless, but you will need to show her that token from me to keep yourself alive. She may help instead."
"May?"
"We can not speak for Hylla," Aurelia shrugged.
Reyna frowned. "In fact I haven't spoken to her in weeks. She's gone silent. With these armies passing through—"
"You want us to check on her," Percy guessed. "Make sure she's okay."
"Partially yes. I can't imagine she's been overcome. My sister has a powerful force. Her territory is well defended. But if you can find her, she could offer valuable help. It could mean the difference between success and failure on your quest. And if you could tell what's happening here—"
"She might send help?"
Reyna didn't answer. She was desperate and terrified. She would do anything to save her camp, and Aurelia knew that. Aurelia would have searched for Hylla even if Reyna didn't ask for it. The entire camp rested on Reyna's shoulders alone, and Aurelia was willing to do whatever it took to get as much of that weight off her.
Percy took the ring. "I'll find her. Where do I look? What kind of force does she have?"
"Do not worry," Aurelia murmured. "We just need to go to Seattle. They'll find us."
Percy gulped but he slipped the ring onto his leather necklace with his beads and his probatio tablet. "Wish us luck."
"Fight well, Percy Jackson," Reyna said. "And thank you."
Percy looked at Aurelia but she gestured towards the door. "Go find Frank and Hazel. I'll join you guys before we leave."
Percy nodded. His audience with Reyna was over. The praetor was having trouble holding herself together. She needed time by herself.
But at the door of the principia, Percy turned back. "How did we destroy your home—the spa where you lived?"
The metal greyhounds growled. Reyna snapped her fingers to silence them. "You destroyed the power of our mistress. You freed some prisoners who took revenge on all of us who lived on the island. We survived alongside my sister ... but it was difficult. In the long run I think we are better off far away from that place."
"Still, I'm sorry," Percy apologized. "If I hurt either of you, I'm sorry."
Aurelia blinked several times and Reyna gazed at him for a very long time, as if trying to translate his words. "An apology? Not very Roman at all, Percy Jackson. You'd make an interesting praetor. I hope you'll think about my offer."
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"I promise we will find her," Aurelia murmured to Reyna as the praetor cried into her cousin's soldier. Reyna hardly ever cried, even as a kid, so when she did, Aurelia felt responsible for balancing her emotions to keep her from truly breaking. Just like she did with her mother.
"You have to succeed," Reyna whispered. "You need to come back. I need you by my side. You ..." Her voice broke. "You've been by my side my entire life. I need you, Ari."
Aurelia just stroked her cousin's hair. "I will be back," she promised. "We lost Jason, but you are not losing me."
Reyna sniffled. "I'm so sorry about that, Ari. I shouldn't have made that offer to Percy in front of you. I know how hard you took Jason's disappearance."
Aurelia shook her head, sending soothing waves of emotions. "No. You were right. It is time for a replacement. Percy is the best option. The only option, really." Because the day gets elected Octavian praetor, is the day I quit my job.
Reyna had calmed down more and was finally able to stand on her own. "It's just ... we were in denial about Jason for so long. And now with everything that's happening ... I can't do it alone. I need a partner. And as much as I wish it could be you, it can't."
Aurelia nodded. "I know. I know. It is hard though."
Jason's disappearance was really hard on Aurelia and Reyna's relationship—both professional and personal. While both mourned him, Reyna forced himself to give up on finding him. As praetor, she forced herself to move on because if she didn't there was a chance she brought everyone down with her. Whereas Aurelia was blinded by emotions.
Reyna had allowed her to search for Jason, alongside several of their Fifth cohort legionnaires. For two months, there wasn't a single sign that Jason was alive, or even still on this earth. She had even gone to Aeolus' palace in Pikes Peak to try and find him, just like she had when they were searching for the Trojan Sea Monster. Nothing.
Aurelia begged Reyna for time. It was a night that they don't often talk about.
"Please," Aurelia begged. "Please, Reyna. I need more time. I can take a smaller team if it is better, but please, let me continue searching. I can find him."
Reyna gave Aurelia a hard look. "I need you here. You can't keep forsaking all your responsibilities to find him, Ari. It is getting harder every day to keep Octavian at bay. He keeps pushing for re-elections and I need your support."
"Please," Aurelia pleaded. "Jason has to be alive. He ... cannot be dead. He cannot just leave me like that." Reyna's gaze softened. "Please, Reyna. I'm not asking you as your Truthsayer or a legionnaire. I'm asking as your cousin, as your family. Please give me more time."
Aurelia had felt Reyna's sadness. Her pity. Reyna truly pitied Aurelia for this was what Jason's disappearance had reduced her to—someone who was never around and constantly haunted by pain.
"One month," Reyna finally decided. "You have one more month to find him. If it is over and you haven't found him, then you will come back and resume your duties at camp. Understand?"
Aurelia nodded. "Gracias, prima."
Reyna pursed her lips, and made her way to her cousin, wrapping her in a tight hug. "I want him to be alive too. More than anything. But if you still can't find him after the month's end, then we will have to move on."
Aurelia understood, but she knew that even if she couldn't find him, she wouldn't be able to move on.
And she still hasn't. Aurelia still held onto hope that Jason would return. Especially when she began to hear his voice in her dreams. Aurelia will never give up on Jason.