Phil -
Trapped.
I was trapped in my own mind, a prisoner. I had no idea of time, of reality. My mind is slow and I so far have not been able to wake up. I must be in some sort of coma. Or maybe I'm dead. I still remember the cold hard floor as my blood seeped out of me. As the life left me. I remember the pounding on the bathroom door and the shocked look on Dan's face. But I know the truth. I know that he never really cared. I know that what he did to me proved that. I know that no matter how much I really believed that he was different, I was wrong. That is all I have thought about for as long as I have been trapped in this mystery place.
For the time I have been here it feels like I have been drifting in and out of consciousness but that cant be possible. I am not waking up so how could I be sleeping. My mind is active and it is strange. I feel like some thing is very wrong and every fibre of my being is telling me to wake up and go and find Dan and tell him how I feel and then deal with the consequences later on, because life is to short and I need to do what I can before my time runs out. When I think about it for long periods of time (or what I think is a long time) I get excited. I try so hard to wake up to move around a bit, to open my eyes. But they wont open and I don't know why, thats why I'm a prisoner.
I can't consider that I was actually dead. I couldn't let myself believe that he would let me go. As much as I was wrong about him I wanted to believe, I needed to believe that he wouldn't let me die. That Dan would find some way to save me. I hadn't let myself admit it up until now but I can't deny it any more. I liked him, a lot. I had never really liked any one. I had always shut off from people. But I knew, I knew that this was real. When he kissed me I couldn't describe how he made me feel. I just felt ... complete. Like everything was going to be ok. Then he left me. To be honest now thinking about it I more hurt myself because I couldn't deal with it.
I couldn't deal with the pain. The rejection. The constant suffering. I couldn't deal with life. But when I felt the blood leaving me and heard the cries of Dan when he held me, I regretted it. I regretted it with all my heart. I was rash and overwhelmed. I know I have wanted to end it for a while now but I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I did it because of Dan. I knew I liked him and I couldn't handle the further rejection and humiliation.
I know I have to wake up, I'm just not sure how. I have tried so many ways. Although weirdly enough I feel like I cant move my body. I know I should be able to but for some reason I can't. I usually try not to dwell on it to much because I know i'll get really upset. I just try to think about music and happier things. Though most of the time I can't help it and I feel my stomach drop when I analyse all the different horrors that couldn't of happened to me.
I could be paralysed, I could be blind, I could be in a coma. The worst thing is though I just don't know. I want to wake up, I want to see the sun again, I want to run in the rain, I want to see my brother, I want to eat till i'm about to through up, I want to live again.
But mostly I just wish I could see Dan again.