Hyunjin wasn't in the tent. "Should've known that..." Jisung mumbled to himself. He slumped into the corner on his side of the tent, pulling his legs to his chest. Hyunjin was avoiding him like the plague.
This was the feeling that Hyunjin must've fought the whole time while he was writing those letters to him. Jisung stared into space. He knew he kept at least a few of those notes. Just because he didn't find them while he burned them the night after 'that' happened. He checked all pockets of his jacket and pants. And he was right. There they were.
To my Darling, these things may not mean much to you but they matter to me. I won't lie, they matter a lot. It feels better getting it off my chest. Your amazing secret admirer.
These things... These things must've meant their eye contact, his answers, or just the simple fact that he was reading them. Something he was fighting for so bitterly now from Hyunjin. His not-so-secret admirer.
To my darling, we do know each other. I know you as the boy you are now, but I remember that gummy smile with a crooked tooth when you introduced yourself to me much earlier in our history. Your amazing secret admirer. PS: I wished you would smile that happily to me again.
Again, Hyunjin and Jisung used to be friends when they were little. They used to hang around each other's house and call the other's mom "mom" too.
Jisung never actually heard Hyunjin call him Darling in real life. There was no opportunity for that, but you know. There must've been some sort of reason why he kept referring to him like that. Hyunjin was one cheesy man.
Jisung's smile grew, going through the last two he still had. Gosh. Hyunjin sounds so in love. Like he was overflowing with it. And Hyunjin really thought he was being obvious with it. Like Jisung would've known that his heart couldn't take Jisung's words. That his hateful speech was nothing but an empty threat. Hyunjin had cared about him. And Jisung cared about him... to some extent.
The tent opening was zipped up. And the Blond boy poked his head through. Jisung watched him get in, zip the tent close, and change his shirt to a tank top. Like he always does when he goes to sleep. Jisung blushed at the sight of his bare back, muscular back. Hyunjin was a dancer after all.
Jisung opened his mouth. What am I going to say? He had to restrain himself from not jumping on his back. Jisung didn't even want to know where that urge came from. He closed his mouth again.
Now what? He had to talk to him. This was a life-or-death situation. Kinda.
"Hyunjin," he finally said.
"That's my name."
"Hyunjin..." Jisung spoke again. The only word that seemed to make sense right now. The latter hummed, annoyed. "I uh... thought about what you said." Jisung scooched till he was almost crossing the line.
"I never used you or meant to make you feel like I did. To be honest I think I never thought of hurting you in-"
"Jisung stop," Hyunjin interrupted sternly. "Don't say shit that you don't mean."
"But I do."
They weren't supposed to be arguing again. Hyunjin turned around. His eyebrows were knitted together, eyes cold.
"Hyunjin I swear I'm being serious, I'm trying to apologize." Jisung's hope to find peace in this, the cheap glue keeping him together, shrunk with every silent second passing. He was back to falling into pieces, right at Hyunjin's feet.
"And I know that none of that should be of your concern and... fuck I don't even know what to tell you. I don't know what the fuck I am saying okay? I am sorry. I don't think you understand how sorry I am."
Hyunjin sighed.
"And you were right when you said I can't figure out what I am feeling... towards you or something. I wish I could tell you that I still hate you, we both know I don't. Shit, maybe I actually do like you."
Even though this would be the moment for his dramatic tears to make an appearance, they didn't. Jisung didn't even feel like crying. He felt like crossing the line.
"I'm crawling back to you okay? I really... I really just need you around. Please don't stop talking to me. I can't handle that. 'm sorry that I'm feeling... stuff."
There was no hole for his words to punch, Jisung was not here anymore.
Hyunjin was looking through him. Hyunjin sighed. He didn't move a muscle.
Jisung's heart stopped. "You lost feelings, didn't you? You hate me now." He got on his knees, leaning forward. Maybe Hyunjin was just talking too quietly. "C'mon... say something..."
"Liar."
What? Jisung froze in his place.
"Just tell me what the fuck you want."
Jisung looked at Hyunjin. He searched his face for some kind of emotion, other than that... anger. "What I want?" Jisung still didn't feel like crying. Even as his voice was trembling. "You know what I want."
Hyunjin chuckled. "No I don't." Like Jisung wasn't shaking right in front of him. Like he was going to fall apart for real.
"God damn it Hyunjin!" Jisung got louder. He wasn't thinking for one second. Suddenly he was sitting right in front of him, holding both of his shoulders. "Stop fucking with me..." His hands were still shaking.
Jisung looked down at Hyunjin. Come on please... dear god. Jisung's heart ached. "Okay fine..." He dropped his head and his hands fell to his sides. It was over, Jisung missed his chance a century before.
"Jisung," Hyunjin said and stopped him from moving. Jisung slowly picked his head up. Hyunjin's face softened. He was fondly looking at Jisung. "Do you see how much that hurts?"
He held Jisung's arm, who couldn't focus on anything but that.
"That's how I felt." Hyunjin smiled softly. "But I want this to have a better ending than last time." The corners of Jisung's mouth rose slowly. His hands wandered back up to his shoulders. Hyunjin was right there.
"So you don't hate me?" Jisung whispered. Hyunjin nodded, whispering back "I don't." The boy reached out for Jisung, touching the fabric of his t-shirt.
They looked at each other. This was weird. It felt weird. Being able to touch the other one. Jisung's heartbeat picked up as his fingertips touched the skin of Hyunjin's neck. He was afraid, but couldn't stop himself.
Hyunjin sighed once more. "I'll do it."
Suddenly Jisung found himself sitting in his lap. Hyunjin circled his arm around his waist.
With more courage, he cupped Hyunjin's cheeks. He saw people do that in movies. Hyunjin's head seemed big in his hands. His skin was hot against his palm. Hyunjin was so... real. He was right there. Jisung was never able to imagine how it actually felt doing this. He always saw it from a third-person perspective. But Hyunjin was right there. His eyes sparkled up at him.
"Are you going to look at me the whole time?" Hyunjin brought out after several seconds of staring.
"I would if I could." Jisung whispered, his gaze moving between his right eye, to the mole under his left, and watched his thumb stroke across his cheek. It finally landed on his lips and got stuck there.
He studied it as it turned into a slight smile again. "If you want to do it, do it. I'm not going to."
His words made sense. Yet they sounded alien. Because Jisung didn't think this through. But Hyunjin's words didn't look alien as they spoke them. It was the sweetest invitation past those lips. His heartbeat picked up. Jisung looked away and mumbled. "Close your eyes then."
Hyunjin followed his instructions.
Fuck. Now he had to do it. His stomach flipped. He was scared. So fucking scared. He moved closer to his face. Hyunjin looked so peaceful and patient. I'm not going to do it, I can't. I got to get out of here. Shit.
But his body acted before his head could.
Their lips met. This time for real. The touch was feathery and ticklish.
Jisung never kissed anyone. His breath was shivering. He let the warmth consume him.
Jisung wrapped his arms around Hyunjin's shoulders and pressed their lips closer. He moved them tentatively. Hyunjin responded instantly. His scent made Jisung dizzy.
Hyunjin picked up every single piece of him and was careful to put them back in their place. There was nothing outside of their tent. Nothing important enough to ever leave his embrace. Jisung leaned his head to the other side, pressing his body close.
They shared the pain the other one had made them go through. Jisung could taste all the sweet unspoken words on Hyunjin's lips.
--
"You know we have to eventually work out what this is, right?" Hyunjin said into the dark of their tent. They were laying next to each other. Their intertwined hands between them. "We will... let's just be like this for tonight." Jisung mumbled and turned to his side. He shuffled closer. They healed in each other's arms.