Once I'd found what I could from that scrapyard, I started searching the city for a new one, having gone to all the scrapyards I already knew. I saw a family and hid, not wanting to get spotted by them and deal with whatever problems that might've brought. "Thank you, dad!" A little boy cheered.
"You're welcome, kiddo." The father hugged his son. "Did you have a good day?"
"Yeah!" The children cheered, there was three of them. They were all similar, none of them seemed to be an outcast.
"I beat the strength test! I'm so strong!" One little boy grinned, he reminded me of Raph with the determination.
"I got a comic signed by the original creator of space heroes!" Another bounced up and down, exactly like Leo.
"I got so much pizza I think I'm gonna explode!" The final boy seemed very happy despite the fact that he said he was going to explode, which was exactly like Mikey.
"I'm glad you had fun." The dad patted each of their heads as they walked away. It seemed so peaceful with just three of them rather than four, it seemed so nice without someone like me. Maybe it wasn't my family that was the problem, maybe it was just me. I sat down while I thought about it, still in my hiding spot so I wouldn't be seen. Why were those children able to be happy but when I was a kid, I wasn't? Was it something wrong with me? I wasn't the way I am now back then, what did I do wrong? Was it purely because I was born differently from other children? Raph, Leo, and Mikey were all able to be happy as kids too even though they were born differently, was it just because I was always too different from them? Master Splinter even had moments he liked to look back on from his childhood, why didn't I have things I liked to look back on from when I was little? Why did I have to look to recent events that I had to work extremely hard to get to? Maybe I wasn't meant to be happy, maybe I was just supposed to do whatever it took to make others happy. If I couldn't be happy, I could at least get whatever was closest to being happy by making other people happy. I hadn't been doing that lately though, I'd been making other people upset and making them feel guilty because I was too selfish to think about them.
"What's wrong with you?" I mumbled to myself. "Why can't you do anything right? You're such a jerk all the time and you expect other people to treat you well, how stupid can the supposed smart one be?" It made no sense that I was talking to myself yet again, but it helped me sort things out, so I did it anyways. I finally got out of my hiding spot and went to a new scrapyard, just outside of the city. It was nice to leave New York actually, going somewhere I didn't know helped me think about other things, New York only looked like a battleground since whenever we went to the surface, there was almost always a fight.
"Why do you think you're a jerk, that you can't do anything right, when you're the main one finding solutions and putting up with the way they treat you?" The voice returned again.
"Can you please stop sneaking up on me?" I wasn't in the mood for yet another talk with a mysterious person I didn't know at the moment. "And how do you know my name and the names of my brothers? I never said any of that, especially not the full names because we never use those. Who are you?"
"I suppose an introduction is in order." The voice said. "I go by many names, so you can choose one for me if you'd like. I know you all because I've kept an eye on you, I've always known there's something special about you. You're not happy because you're not where you belong, you don't fit in with them because they're cruel and unempathetic towards you. You could be among people who're exactly like you, you could have everything you need to flourish. I just want what's best for you."
"I..." I wanted to be able to believe them, but it was far too good to be true. "I'll just call you Voice I guess, since all I ever know about you is your voice."
"Alright." Voice seemed fine with the name, but also seemed to know that I wasn't saying what I wanted to. "Just remember, you don't have to live like this. You can have a real, actually loving family, and you can have somewhere you can be yourself and be happy. When you're ready, I'm here. I'll give you some time to think." Soon enough, I was completely sure I was alone again. What did they really want from me? Why did they want me to get revenge on my family for how they treated me? Why did they want me to go with them to whatever promised family they were talking about? What would happen if I agreed? There were too many questions lately, it was making it harder to focus on my work and think about what I was trying to do. Voice seemed nice enough, it was hard to argue with them about what they were saying, but I really didn't trust what they were saying. It was hard to trust someone who'd randomly been watching you and your family and said they wanted to help, yet never stepped in when you needed it. I started searching the junkyard again, then finally had everything I needed.
"Thank god, I can finally go home and put this stupid thing together again." I sat down on the ground and put my head on my knees, too tired at the moment to continue with my goal. Did I really want to go home, or did I just want to stop working? I didn't want to go home just to work more, but I didn't want to be searching through scrap metal to pass the time and stay away from it. I had to go home eventually anyways and get everything done eventually, it would be horrible to abandon them. Even someone as supposedly selfish as me could understand that it wasn't going to do anything but hurt them to randomly disappear without a word, and there was no way they'd stop searching for me either way. They needed a scientist whether I wanted them to or not and if they needed one bad enough, they'd just track me down and take me back whether I wanted to go back or not. At least, that's what I thought. I assumed too much though, I assumed that they didn't care after all. Voice was good at convincing me to think in black and white rather than remembering that everything's a full spectrum of confusing colors, not even just different shades in gray. It was either Voice was trying to limit my thinking so that I wouldn't question their "reasoning" later on, or I was overanalyzing the situation and giving them too many excuses without reason to believe in them.
It took a while for me to remember that I was trying to go home, but I forced myself onto my feet and started walking back home once I did remember. When I walked in, I was greeted by Leo and Raph arguing, Mikey dancing around with headphones in, completely unaware of the argument, and April staring at me with folded arms. "Took you long enough."
"Sorry." I laughed nervously, trying not to get irritated or upset with everyone.
"You don't deserve to be leader! You don't know what you're doing!" Raph shoved Leo.
"You already saw how hard it is to be leader, Raph, I'm the only one that knows how to handle being the leader!" Leo pushed Raph back. "When things got bad, you guys had to retreat because you froze up! And you didn't even make that choice, it was Donnie!"
"Great, comparing me to his leadership skills?" Raph rolled his eyes. "He said one thing, that's it!"
"Compared to you, anyone can be a leader!" Leo spat out at Raph. "He doesn't know what he's doing whatsoever when it comes to people in general and he still did better than you!"
"You do know I'm right here, right?" I asked them, but apparently, they couldn't hear me over their arguing.
"He wouldn't be like that if you pushed him hard enough on things other than thinking about those dumb machines!" Raph folded his arms stubbornly. "If you actually made him spend time around people and took away his weird little planning things, he might actually be good at working with others and be a better teammate for us! Maybe we'd have 4 competent members if you actually made him put in some effort to cooperate!"
"I need him to come up with those solutions, he doesn't have time to work on his weird people issues right now!" Leo slammed his fist against the wall. "When he's finished fixing what you broke, comes up with the solution to handle that mutant, and works with us to finish this mission, then we can work on that, but until then, he needs to focus!" Was that all they saw me as? A useless member of the team that could only contribute with "dumb machines" and solving problems that they felt they could solve on their own anyways?
"Can you two shut up?!" April walked over to them both. "I'm tired of hearing you two argue all the time! Raph, if you have a problem with how Donnie's doing things, fix it yourself! Leo, if you want him to work more efficiently, make him!" She stormed out, passing me on her way out.
"I don't get how Donnie likes her." Leo grumbled.
"What I don't get is how he thinks he has a chance with her." Raph's words had been way too honest for me lately, it hurt to know that was how they really thought about me. "I mean, he doesn't spend time with anyone, he's awkward all the time, and he's always so desperate for attention and approval! One thing's for sure, Sensei's never getting in-laws from him." I'd heard enough, so I left the room and went to my lab again, immediately working on putting the rest of my invention together. I didn't want to be there anymore, I knew they thought of me that way but it hurt to hear it out loud even more than I thought it would. They didn't say anything that hurtful before, being called the useless member of the team was probably the most painful part. They really didn't appreciate me, Voice was right. April didn't bother to stop them from talking like that to help me, she only did it because she found their arguing annoying. Mikey didn't even care enough to listen to it. And Master Splinter was no where in sight, which wasn't surprising since that was how it was unless we were training or he wanted to talk to one of us about something he wanted us to fix. Why was I always seen as the problem when all I was doing at that point was working to be whatever they wanted me to? Why was it so difficult to be what they wanted? Why couldn't I just be myself? Why wasn't I good enough for them? I sat down the invention once it was done, I hadn't even been paying attention mostly while putting it together. I'd been lost in thought because all I knew was that I wasn't wanted or appreciated at home unless I was doing something really important.
"I hate this..." I whispered to myself. "I... I hate them." It was hard to say, but it was true. I could love and hate my family at the same time, it was how I'd felt for a long time but I didn't know it until I said it. "Why should I work myself to death for people who won't appreciate it?" I stood up and walked out of my lab and went to my room, shutting the door. "If they're not going to care about me, I'm not going to waste my energy caring about them when they're doing that enough for the both of us. I'm going to spend my energy on myself and make sure I'm okay. I'm not pushing off my needs for them." I knew it was the healthy thing to do, but it was still a hard choice. I got into bed and wrapped myself in my blankets, then soon fell asleep. As long as I didn't turn self care into selfishness, everything was going to be fine.