It had been a week since Hope's mum gave her consent to Raymond and Hope's relationship, a week filled with so much positivity that Hope didn't think she'd ever get off the high. Every single time it struck her that she no longer had to hide her relationship with Raymond, she felt like she was on cloud nine. It was such a refreshing feeling. It almost made her completely forget about the events of the previous weeks. Almost.
She couldn't exactly fool herself into believing she was completely over them though. She was constantly reminded in the way she tossed and turned in bed every other night, unable to sleep and resulting in her constant state of tiredness. She'd managed at first to convince herself that it was completely normal and it would take a while for her to be able to fully get back into her normal routine, so she hadn't told anyone about it. She'd however persuaded her mum and Raymond to let her continue working at the restaurant pending the time she went back to school. It had been a war, but one she'd won eventually.
Working at the restaurant would keep her busy during the day and hopefully by the end of the day, she would be exhausted enough to fall asleep quickly. Maybe that'd help get her mind off Philip. She figured that after a few weeks of that routine, she'd have completely forgotten about him. Hopefully. He popped into her mind a bit too often than she appreciated and even though she didn't know what it was exactly, thinking about him really unsettled her.
Whatever it was, she wasn't going to allow him mess with her head or her life more than he already had. Shoving the thought of Philip to the back of her mind, she intentionally shifted her mind off of him and coincidentally collided gazes with her co worker who immediately flashed her a brief smile. She remembered what Raymond had told her about him and grinned.
"So I heard you've been acting as a secret spy for Raymond."
Oke's smile slipped and he looked like a dear caught in headlights. His reaction had Hope cackling. He was always so much fun to tease. "Calm down, Mr man. I'm not mad or anything."
He looked relieved at that and Hope smiled as she realized that he cared enough about her to not want to hurt her feelings. "As long as that's not why you're friends with me."
"Oh no no no," Oke refuted immediately, shaking his head fervently. "That's not it at all. I genuinely like you. You're a very nice person."
Hope almost laughed again, thinking about how quickly the boy's expression went from happy to guilty to awkward in such a short period of time. Currently, he looked like it caused him physical discomfort to say that he liked her, albeit platonically. Unable to resist teasing him, she further goaded, "Did you just admit you like me? Wow! Tayo would not be very happy when she hears about this."
It took all of her willpower to keep her serious face as she watched him splutter, "No, I didn't mean it like that. I don't like you--"
"You don't like me?"
"No, I like you, but not like that . . . " He scratched his head, an obvious tell of his discomfort. "I just meant that I like you as a friend--"
"Lay off the boy, Hope."
Hope's laughter burst free as they both turned to Raymond who had managed to walk up to them without either of them noticing. Hope had texted him as her personal chauffeur to come pick her up after work, but she hadn't put into account how fast he'd get there so she'd had to have him wait for her till she was done. When she'd asked why he'd arrived so early, his explanation had been that work had ended early. She doubted that was it though, maybe he just missed her too much. She'd told him as much and it'd brought her joy when he hadn't denied it.
"Don't mind her, she's just teasing you," Raymond said, thoroughly amused by how flustered Oke was. He turned to address Hope, staring pointedly at her. "You, tell your cougar friend to stay away from my boy."
It took a moment for her to realize he was making reference to what she'd said about Tayo. How long had he been paying attention to their conversation?
"Hey!" Hope feigned annoyance. "Don't call my friend a cougar."
He ignored her, turning back to Oke who just looked confused at that point. "Remember, no girlfriends for now."
Hope scoffed, rolling her eyes. Now she understood why Raymond and her mum got along so well. "You sound like my mum right now."
"And a very smart woman she must be," he countered.
Hope rolled her eyes again, deciding to let the issue drop. If he decided to go all motherly on the poor boy, who was she to be caught in the middle? Good luck to them both. "We should be ready to leave soon. I'm almost done here."
"Oh, take your time, seeing as I'm your personal driver now."
She shot him what she hoped could be identified as a coy smile.
True to her words, a couple of minutes later, they were on their way home.
"I'm going to make a quick stop at the orphanage. They're finalizing Jason's adoption process today, and I want to stop by and see how it's going. I hope you don't mind?"
Hope shook her head in response. "Have you heard from Rose recently?"
"No. She's practically gone AWOL. No one has seen or heard anything from her. It's for the best really. Jason deserves a real family; people who would genuinely take care of him, and the couple adopting him . . . Although I've only met them a few times, they're amazing. The joy on their faces everytime they hold the boy . . . I just know they'll take good care of him."
"I hope so too." For his sake, she did.
He nodded, smiling wistfully. "I find it amazing, really, how a boy someone dumped because he was too much of a burden for her could bring such joy to other people. It's sometimes funny how life works, don't you think?"
Hope hummed, silently agreeing. "You'd have adopted the boy yourself if they hadn't found parents for him. Wouldn't you?"
There was no hesitation as he replied, "I'd have tried. I don't know how that would have gone, but yes, I'd definitely have tried. No child deserves to suffer because of undeserving parents."
Hope went quiet after that and he turned to find her staring at him. "What?"
"Nothing. I was just thinking that you can be really amazing sometimes."
"No. I'm amazing at all times," he amended.
Hope chuckled. He was such an egotist. "Yeah, yeah. Can I stay over at your place tonight?"
"What? No." Hope frowned at his quick response. At her puzzlement, he continued, "Are you trying to test your mum's patience?"
Right, her mum. She sighed. To think she thought her troubles with her mum over. "There goes my sleep tonight,"she muttered, not quite expecting him to hear.
"What?"
"Hm?"
His gaze shifted to her for a bit before focusing back on the road. He didn't say anything, and Hope thought that was the end of it until he was suddenly parking on the side of the road.
"Why are you stopping?"
"You haven't been sleeping well, have you?" He asked almost accusingly, catching her off guard.
"Wha-- no--"
"Don't lie to me. I've noticed you looked tired, but I thought it was just you recovering from all that you went through but you haven't been sleeping well, have you?" He repeated.
She sighed, relenting. "Yes. I haven't been sleeping too well."
"Why?"
"Nothing. I just . . . " She sighed again at the look he was giving her. "I just keep thinking about Philip."
His concern immediately shifted to sympathy. "Is it about the abduction? Have you been having nightmares?"
"No, that's not it." Hope wasn't sure how to explain when she hardly understood it herself. "I just keep thinking about him and the things he said that day at the station. I don't know why, but I just can't get that day out of my mind."
He seemed to understand, and Hope was grateful for that. "Would you like to see him again?"
"Wha- No. I don't want to ever have any reason to see that guy ever again," Hope declared.
"You say that, but your state of mind is saying otherwise. You said it yourself that you can't even sleep."
"That doesn't mean I want to see him," Hope insisted.
"I know, and I don't fancy the idea either, but--"
"No buts. I already saw him once. He's said all he has to say. There's no point seeing him again," Hope insisted.
"Maybe you're right."
Knowing Raymond, his concession meant something else entirely. "You think I should go and see him, don't you?"
"Maybe. I don't know. Perhaps you haven't said all you have to say to him. You were caught off guard that day. Maybe you still have things you need to get off your chest?"
Hope supposed he might be right, but she had her doubts regardless. "He's not even going to want to see me."
"Maybe, but you don't know that," he replied. "I just don't want you to break down, Hope. You have to stop keeping so many things bottled up. Just think about it, okay? And let me know what you decide afterwards. If you don't want that, then we'll think of another way to deal with this. Is that okay?"
All the maybes and possible scenarios playing through her mind were making her head spin. She conceded eventually. "Okay."
• ~ •
Hope was certain that if there were a crown for bad and impulsive decisions, she'd definitely be crowned queen. Even she couldn't believe her impulsive self sometimes. What was she doing standing there in the nursing home, waiting to see a man she'd vowed never to seek out ever again?
Up until she'd reached out to Bridget to inquire about the whereabouts of her 'brother' since he'd already been released from the police station, she'd had no idea she was going to be making that decision. The woman had been reluctant at first, but Hope had assured her that she only wanted to talk. But did she even want to talk? Even as she'd made her way to the nursing home, the weight of her decision hadn't fully sank in, until then.
It'd been a split second decision. She'd been so frustrated after Raymond had put the idea in her head and she'd gone home only for her to be unable to stop thinking about her conversation with Raymond. She hadn't even taken the time to tell anyone about her decision to see him, not even Raymond. She'd feared she'd chicken out if she delayed it a second further.
Was it the right decision she was making? She wasn't so sure, but the option of turning back around and hightailing it out of there was snatched out of her hands when Philip spotted her. He'd been sitting next to his mum and a group of other women when he'd looked up and saw her. She knew he'd spotted her because the smile on his face immediately slipped, instantly replaced by a cold look. A pity too, because in that moment before recognition hit him, he'd looked different; normal as he sat there with a bunch of old people, smiling. It could have almost made her forget what he was capable of.
Faster than she could say jack, he was on his feet and in front of her, tugging her out of sight of his mum. He didn't have to do that though, it wasn't like the woman would have recognized her anyway.
"What are you doing here? My sister said she made it clear you're not to bother my mum!" The fierce protectiveness in his voice had her flinching. Afterall in his own way, the man was dangerous. Hearing his voice that'd over the years been imbedded in her head still had chills running down her spine.
Hope however held her ground. She would not be so easily intimidated. Like Raymond always reminded her, she was strong. Thinking about Raymond and what he thought of her brought a burst of confidence to her. She held his gaze defiantly, "I'm not here to see your mum. I'm here to see you."
The cold mask slipped for a second and Hope caught a glimpse of the man underneath. He was surprised, certainly. She guessed he never would have expected her to seek him out by herself, and alone too. She hadn't thought it possible either, but there she was.
"You're stupidly brave. Do you think it's a good idea for you to come and see me all by yourself? What do you even want? Don't tell me you're here to play brother sister because that would just be ridiculous. Nothing has changed over the course of a few weeks. I still hate you."
Hope could tell he trying to rile her up. He was succeeding, but she was determined not to let it show. "So many words, it's almost like you've been practicing."
Uh-oh If he hadn't looked like he wanted to snap her in half before, he definitely did now. Good, she was getting under his skin as well.
"I don't like you very much either," she retorted. "And the last thing I want is to be brother sister with you."
"So what do you want?" He spat.
Hope wasn't sure. Until the moment she walked up to him, she had no idea what she wanted from him or what she wanted to say. She'd just admitted to herself that maybe Raymond was right and made her way over before she changed her mind.
"What do you want?" He repeated impatiently.
"You were never actually going to physically hurt me, were you?" She asked, basically spitting out the first thing that came to her mind.
"What?"
"I heard. You never spent a dime out of the money you took from me all these years, and you were the one who sent the address to Raymond." It had surprised her, honestly. But then she'd thought it made sense considering all he'd really wanted was to cause her pain.
"Your point is?"
"I think I'll sleep a little better if you told me yourself that you weren't actually going to hurt me," Hope concluded.
"You must think that I care if you sleep well or not."
Hope tsked. What a stubborn man. "Do you hate me a little less now then? You've gotten the revenge you wanted, are you happy now? If you ask me, I don't think you are."
"Be careful with your words. I have a few screws loose afterall," he threatened.
Hope blinked, thrown off for a second. She had to remind herself again that the man was dangerous. "You're not even a bit remorseful?"
He didn't answer, and he didn't need to. It was obvious enough.
"Not even a little bit?" She asked, almost petulantly.
"What were you expecting? Did you think I would be grateful that you decided not to send me to jail? Is that what this is about?"
"No, I didn't. I'd just been hoping that for your sake and that of your family that you'd have let go of a little bit of your resentment."
"Don't talk about my family," he warned.
Exasperated, Hope went on a tirade. "Fine. I'll talk about mine then. Since I obviously have human feelings unlike you, I'll apologize this once for the hurt my family caused yours. I'm sorry my dad and mum hurt your mum. You tortured me because that was the only way you could think of to get back at them and while it was a horrible thing to do, I'm learning to understand and live through it. Even though I certainly didn't deserve it, I genuinely hope that it helped you to assuage a little bit of the resentment you feel. Maybe then, it would all be worth it." She paused, exhaling deeply before continuing, " I guess what I'm saying is that I'm sorry, and I forgive you too."
Hope couldn't make out what he thought of her speech. He was already a hard man to read, and she'd obviously caught him off guard as well. When he spoke, Hope could have sworn he was struggling, "I didn't ask for your forgiveness."
"I know you didn't, but I forgive you anyway. Not for your sake, but mine. I don't know about you, but I don't want to live the rest of my life in misery."
He didn't look too happy with what she said, but she hoped he'd see and accept the message behind all she'd said. Either way, she'd said her piece.
"God! It feels so good finally saying that out loud," she smiled at him, a genuine smile she wouldn't have thought herself capable of gifting him. "I'd been deceiving myself the past few weeks into believing I'd made peace with everything that happened, but now I really feel like I actually am beginning to make peace with it. I really hope you do so as well, and I mean it. For all it's worth, I don't think you're that much of a bad person . . . " She waited, but obviously, he didn't find it funny. Oh well. "I don't agree with what you said about having a few screws loose, you just need help. You just have to find a proper way to deal with all that anger bottled up inside you. It's not my fault, but it isn't yours either."
He didn't say anything. She'd laid it all out there, and she felt considerably lighter. With that confidence, she turned around to leave. Hearing him calling her name had her halting and turning back around. Somehow, hearing her name from his lips didn't feel so terrible anymore.
"Yes?"
He looked conflicted, like he was fighting a battle with himself. In the end he shook his head, looking away. "Nothing."
Hope smiled. That was probably as much of an apology as she was ever going to get, and that was okay. Hope nodded once even though he wasn't looking at her anymore before turning around and going her way.
That night, she slept like a baby.