A little early but happy New Year's lovelies!!! Let's kick off 2023 with a new chapter. Don't forget to vote and comment what you think, I genuinely love reading your comments. So without further adue.....
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I got up before everyone else to make breakfast. Bacon and pancakes with blueberry smiley faces on them. It's not the Mickey Mouse ones my mom used to make me, but it's a start. "Livvie." Matthew whines as he shuffles out, his knuckles rub the sleep out of his eyes. "I'm hungry."
I go to him and pick him up, "Let's get you some food then." I sat him down on one of the barstools. He likes it there for breakfast, it makes him feel like us grownups. "I made you pancakes. Do you want milk or juice, Matty?"
He thinks on it long enough to yawn. "Milk, please." I nod and walk around to get him what he asked for.
"Is Noelle awake?" he shakes his head no as I place a plate down for him.
By now Jenny and Jake are up. "It smells like bacon." Jake notices right away.
I laugh, "That would be the bacon. Come on, I'll make some plates." I shuffle around the kitchen for the next few minutes. Meanwhile, Jenny goes into Matthew's room to get Noelle up.
Katie walks out next, freshly showered and dressed in soft blue jeans with a burgundy long sleeve shirt. "Mmm, smells good." I think she's talking about the food but the first thing she reaches for is the coffee. "Man, that is the last time I get wine drunk and stay up past my bedtime." Katie picks up a blueberry from the crate it came in and pops it into her mouth.
Jenny and Noelle walk out just in time for me to finish up. "I love blubries." I swear that's how she pronounced it.
"Blue-berries. Not blubries baby." Jake picks her up so she can sit on the stool besides Matthew. Then he looks at me with a smirk that says, "She doesn't care, she's five."
Once everyone who's awake at the moment gets their food, I walk down the hallway to Shawn's office and knock on the door. "Hunter, you awake?"
After a few moments he opens it, looking disheveled and swollen. "Unfortunately I am, in fact, awake." He trudges himself out to join us in the living room.
"Seven down, one to go." I said as I headed to get Shawn up.
He beats me to it, opening the door as soon as I get to the top of the stairs. "Hey, beautiful."
I giggle like a schoolgirl. The irony isn't lost on me, "You're in a good mood."
He shrugs, "I woke up to the smell of bacon this morning, and I have you as my wife. I'm on cloud nine." Okay, now he's just being cheesy. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me blush.
"Awe, I love you."
He kisses me, "I love you too."
We walk downstairs with me in the lead, "I also made blueberry pancakes."
Shawn places a hand on my shoulder and leans in behind me to whisper, "If there wasn't a house full of people, I would take that syrup and-"
"Hey! You're not being as quiet as you think." Hunter chastises and feigns a shiver, "Your perfect marriage is sickening."
I smile and take the last step down into the living room. "Our marriage isn't perfect."
"Please." Shawn comments.
"Exactly." Hunter added with a hint of jealousy.
This right here, is perfect. These are the moments with my lifelong friends and our families that I've always wanted. Jenny and Jake, sitting on the air mattress with far too much bacon between the two. Katie, still stealing blueberries out of the cart. Noelle and Matthew talking in a language only kids understand. My perfect husband, and his sticky fantasies this early in the morning. And Hunter, pretending to be grossed out by us.
We shared the morning laughing, eating, and being together. Of course all good things come to an end, and we all have to return to our regular lives.
Jenny, Jake, and Noelle were the first to leave. When Hunter gathered his things and decided to go home to Seth, I caught up with him. "So, when would be a good time to see Seth?" We briefly talked about it last night, but it was late, and it had been a long day.
Hunter turned to face me. "Whenever you want. I'm going to go home and get ready for work but after that, he's free."
"Okay." I say before I wrap my arms around him in a tight hug, "I'll see you soon, yeah?"
His hand pats my back, then he pulls me at arms length, "Of course. I promise, I won't go another two years without you guys in my life."
"Good." I take a step back to give him space. "Hey Matty, come give me a hug before I go." Matthew jumps out of his seat and speed runs to Hunter. Hunter has to bend down but he gives him a playful hug. The kind where he wraps his arms around Matthew, and picks him up to swing Matthew's legs from side to side.
Matthew laughs happily as Hunter sets him down. He leaves after that, it's strange, I never thought I'd miss their company so much. "Hey," Shawn has gotten dressed for work, it's his usual business attire. A perfectly made suite, with clean edges and a tie to match. "What was that about Seth?"
I smile, to let him know it's nothing to worry about. Only I am worried, worried that I won't be able to accomplish anything with Seth. Mainly, I worry about Hunter and Seth's marital future together. "I'm going to talk to Seth and try to figure out what I did that made him hate me so much." Of course there are options. I wasn't the best friend they deserved when I was mixed in with my own shit.
Shawn comes up behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders. He begins to massage me, forcing me to relax. "He doesn't hate you, Livia. How could he?"
I step away from the glorious distraction that is his hands, and turn to face him. "Should I make a list?"
He smirks at me, completely unphased by my track record. "I don't think so, I have a great memory." Shawn steps closer so that he can lift my chin with a single finger. "None of that should matter now. I thought we agreed to put everything behind us after-"
"-After Ty?" I question rhetorically. "I have a good memory too." I sigh, letting it go. "But you're right. It's the past, and in the future, I want Hunter there. If that means having an uncomfortable conversation then so be it." Shawn doesn't let go of my chin. Instead he uses his finger placement to draw me in closer. My lips part as we kiss, it pulls me away from those negative thoughts and brings me here, in the moment. God how much I love this. Shawn's ability to take everything negative and turn it into love is exhilarating.
By the time we separate -breathing a little heavier than moments before- I've set my mind apart from my worries. I didn't even notice Matthew slip out of the room to go find Katie. "I love you."
"I love you too, Livia. I'll see you tonight."
Hunter sent me the address of their new loft after he left. So, here I am, standing in front of the door like an idiot. I have no idea how Seth will react to seeing me here, but I can't back out now. I do the only logical thing to do next, I knock.
Seth opens the door, his face flushes with red. I stood there, completely caught off guard despite my preparations in the car. He's wearing a plain white t-shirt that clings to him, and gray jogger sweats. He doesn't look happy to see me, but it's also not the disdain look he gave me last night. "Seth, hi." Seth clenches his jaw, takes a step back, and slams the door in my face. I'm taken aback but keep my composure, I knew this wouldn't be easy. "Seth!" I yell in hopes that he hears me. "I'm not leaving until you talk to me!"
That must've made him nervous, because he hastily opens the door. "I could call the police, you know." He sneered as I pressed against the door to clear a way inside.
"Would that really be easier than seeing what I want?" Seth hesitates, his demeanor unchanging. After a moment, he steps aside to let me through. It's a lot farther than I thought I'd get.
First glance at his place and it's a mess. There are open take out containers littered around, paired with just as much trash. I'm not one to judge, but it does worry me. "I saw you last night." He begins, as he shuts the door and leans on the back of the couch. I stay adjacent to him and stand still. "It's clear you think I was cheating on Hunter."
"Were you?" I'm quick to say.
He scoffs and looks away. "Of course not." I eye his movements to see if he's lying but fall uncertain.
I'd like to think the best. That my friend isn't going to get hurt by Seth. Unfortunately, so much time has passed since Seth and I have been close. Our bond has long since severed, and I genuinely can't tell what to believe. "Look, I didn't come here to grill you about Hunter."
His eyes meet mine, and even though he's still young, I see maturity in them. "Why did you come here exactly?"
Deep breath, Livia. "I was hoping we could talk. Believe it or not but I never stopped wanting to be your friend. Truthfully, I never understood why you hate me now." Seth tenses, despite how serious I am. I know it's not that simple. You can't hash things out and expect everything to go back four years. But I promised Hunter I would try.
Seth smiles, in a way that I haven't seen in ages. The smile he offered me when I dented his car in the high school parking lot. It's a smile that offers peace to a tense situation. "I don't hate you, Livia." And just when I thought we were getting somewhere, the smile was wiped off his face. "I just don't like you."
There's only one other time where someone I once loved became someone I couldn't recognize. The first was with Dean, he had snuck into my house and made a place in the darkness of the kitchen to hide himself from me. He waited for me, and changed his demeanor in two seconds flat. And now, with Seth who is only confessing his true feelings about me. I can't for the life of me recognize the playful Seth that I used to know. I wonder if he can see the old me. If we've both changed so much over the years that our personalities no longer align.
I realize I haven't responded, I've been letting my thoughts overrun me instead of talking things out. "I-I guess that's fair."
We've hit a dead end, neither one of us knows where to go from here. "Yeah, so if there's nothing else I-"
"I'm sorry, I just have a hard time accepting that."
Seth laughs shortly, "Why? Because there's no possible way that perfect Livia isn't well liked?" He rolls his eyes and starts spiraling, "Let me see, you slept with your teacher and hid it from everyone. Then you strung me along knowing the whole time you were going to run back to Shawn the second he called. Speaking of which, you cheated on Ty at Jenny's wedding. And that girl you punched at your first college party was another one of Shawn's victims- who knows how many more there are by the way- and you're now playing mommy to her son. Please, enlighten me as to why I should like you after everything?" By now Seth has gotten closer, his chest rises with his anger, "All of those things don't even pale in comparison to how many times and how long you lied to everyone who actually gave a damn about you. You're not perfect Livia, you never were. You're just a scared little girl, who thankfully can't spawn a child of her own."
I reacted before anything else. My hand swung across his face the second he finished talking. I didn't know I had it in me, "Shut the fuck up, Seth." My veins feel ice cold as the rest of me goes numb. Seth's cheek is a bright red, still fresh from my assault.
I've been offended before, and I've never reacted that way but he struck a nerve. "I'll never have kids of my own because of you." I remind him. "You led Dean straight to my door and fed me to him. I did all of those things you said, but I don't have to explain myself because you'll never know how you react until you're in it." I lean in close while my anger gets the better of me. "I'm an atheist, so I'm not taking it lightly when I say I pray to God you'll never know what it's like." Tears begin to fall down, I remain still, unmoving as he sees my raw pain. "I'm not perfect, Seth. I guess I just thought you'd know I had a reason for everything. Instead you rushed to judgment."
Seth starts to cry too, his jaw tenses as he struggles for words. "I didn't rush to judgment. I saw you. Every time you ran off, every time you dismissed me, and every time you flinched. I didn't need your psycho ex from hell to come back in order for me to know you. I observed you, and I loved you." My breath hitches in my throat at his words. "I saw that something was going on and I loved you anyways. Whether it be Dean or Shawn it didn't matter because I saw you for you and I wanted you to open up to me. That's all I ever wanted, but you never did. You blew off my feelings for friendship and continued to lie to my face."
"Seth, I loved you too. I-"
He laughed softly without humor. "You don't get it." Seth grabs both of my arms, forcing me to face him head on. "From the moment I saw you, I could see the damaged version of you and I fell in love with you anyway." He drops his arms, "No matter what I did, you only wanted him."
I stay silent and still, stunned would be more like it. For the first time in years I understand him. He was jealous. "You wanted to believe the things Dean said about me. And you wanted Shawn out of the picture." So he accused Shawn, and he accused me. "Seth, I- I didn't know."
"Of course not." He sniffled. "The only thing you notice is yourself." Perhaps he's right. I'm always so caught up in myself that I developed tunnel vision.
I sigh, taking the first deep breath in minutes. "I'm sorry. I should've seen it. I thought you liked Hunter I- I should've paid more attention to all of you." For the first time it seems like we're getting somewhere.
Seth nods, "I'm sorry too. I've been letting my emotions get the best of me. And I do love Hunter, but if I'm being honest...he was my second choice." It hurts to hear him say that. I've always thought them to be the it couple. The product of my matchmaking. How could Hunter have been the second option?
It leaves one question, "So what happens now?" Between Seth and Hunter, and between us.
Seth stuffs his hands in his jean pockets, "I need to be honest with Hunter. We'll have to go from there. As for me and you..."
"Right." It would hurt too much to say it. Regardless I- "I'd like to try. There doesn't have to be anymore lies between us. We can start over."
He smirks but not in a fun way, "It's a little too late for that don't you think?"
I shake my head and hold his hands, "It doesn't have to be. We're not those naïve children anymore, Seth. We can let go of the past." I search his face for any sign of agreement. When I find nothing, I let go. "Or not."
Seth turns away from me, "I want to, but it's not going to happen over night."
"Right." I step back and check my pockets to make sure I didn't leave anything. "I should go now." Seth opens the door for me, "I'm sorry...about slapping you I just-"
He holds his hand out to stop me from talking, "It was a low bar. I shouldn't have said it." Then, just as quickly as he opened the door, he shuts it behind me. I wanted to knock again, to force him to reconcile but it's not that easy.
As far as Hunter goes, should I tell him what transpired today? Or should I trust that Seth will admit his own truth?
By the time I get home, Katie and Matthew aren't here. I try to mindlessly clean up, picking up Matthew's new toys, and gathering the dishes in the sink. It used to be a way to kill time alone in my parents house. Now it's a way to clear my head. That being said, it's not working this time. My head is swirling with my interaction with Seth today.
I mean, I knew he liked me in high school but love? How could he have loved me?
And to hurt Hunter the way he is, all because of some pent up jealousy and now dislike for me. It feels separate from me, like his feelings for me guided him back then.
I hate it. I wish I could've told him he's wrong. That his feelings for me in high school were invalid and that of a boy. Only how could I? When my own girlish feelings in high school were real enough to risk it all. But if Shawn had tossed me aside in the friends zone would I still be pining, or would I resent him?
I guess I'd feel like Seth. A side character in Shawn's book. If only he'd told me back then, I could've said something, or done something. Anything to make him not hate me so much now. Oh well, I can't change a lot of things.
There's a knock at the door, one that disrupts my cleaning and dwelling. I drop the garbage I've collected down the garbage, and quickly wash my hands. At first, I thought it was going to be Hunter, or maybe even Seth. Instead, I'm greeted by a tall man I don't know. He has dark hair and green eyes. "Can I help you?"
The man smiles and nervously says, "Um...I hope so. I got your address from Mr. and Mrs. Dyer. You must be Livia."
Okay, now this is getting uncomfortable. "Yes, who are you?"
Another smile, "My name is Marin Harris, I'm Matthew's father."
Oh. My. God.