Angel didn't live too far from our school. Turns out he was only two train stops away. As nervous as I was I knew nothing serious was gonna happen. I didn't expect us to hook up, I didn't expect us to even kiss. I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen. I still was in shock at him coming out like that. I didn't even imagine him being bi, I always assumed straight because of his girlfriend! I guess that really means I should work on that huh? Did I really just unintentionally bi-erase? Maybe I am the problem.
I could feel my heartbeat in my ear as we stepped out of the subway and made our way towards his house. We passed a few small grocery stores with their fruits and vegetables on display. The park right across the street was packed with children who were all playing there after school. We turned the corner he pointed at his place. It was a house next to a small apartment complex. They had a small front yard that had dying flowers. He led us to the front door and pulled it open and I entered. We went straight to his room and threw our bags in the corner.
"Sorry my mom isn't here, she had to work late today." Angel walked to his tv and turned it on.
"It's fine, I can always meet her another time." I watched him search for something. My eyes caught his PlayStation remote and I picked it up and turned it on. "Looking for this?"
"Yeah." He giggled while taking the remote from my hand. "Want to watch something? Or listen to some music?"
"How about studying?" I grinned at him.
"Music and studying got it."
Angel turned on some music and we grabbed our bags pulling out our global books. Sam Smith's smooth voice in the back really relaxed us and pushed us into our studies. We were on early grease and two weeks in we can smell a quiz coming soon. I don't think five minutes went by without Angel asking me a question. Most of them weren't even about the lesson. Midway we took a break and grabbed some snacks from his kitchen.
"I hope it's cool if Jen stops by. She usually drops by my place after her volleyball practice."
"Is she on the school team?"
"No, it's just her and her friends. In the springtime when volleyball tryouts take place, she's definitely signing up."
"I suck at sports."
"Noooo," He said sarcastically. "I would've never guessed."
"Shut up." I laughed. "Can I ask you something?"
"Ask away."
"How come you never texted me back?" I never promised I wouldn't ask him that.
"Huh?" He looked confused. "I never got a text from you."
"I texted the number you gave me." I pulled out my phone and showed him it.
"Oh my god," He slapped his forehead. "I'm sorry, I hit the stupid eight instead of the zero." He quickly fixed it. "Next time you text I promise you I'll be responding." He smirked, handing me back my phone.
We made our way back up to his room and Oh Wonder played, filling his room with a soft melody. His LED light illuminated his white curtains which were blowing in the wind. The sun was setting in the back and the sky had a beautiful purple and orange hue. I shivered at the cool breeze and he shut the window. I stepped up to his window and peeped out. The trees in front of his house were hiding a perfect view of the Manhattan skyline. It was the first time I was in awe of a New York sunset.
"Isn't it beautiful? Angel slowly opened his curtains and his huge windows let in the orange glow. "I love opening my blinds around sunset time like this."
"It's relaxing." I smiled.
"It makes me feel like I could touch the clouds." He pointed at a fluffy one-off in the distance. "Just imagine scraping the sky with your fingertips."
I looked over at him and he locked eyes with me. I watched in awe as the golden sky kissed his brown skin. It brought me back to the neon sign at the club lighting up his cheek. He cracked a soft smirk at me almost as if he was reassuring of something. That giddy feeling in my stomach returned. "Why did you kiss me?" I asked softly, hearing my voice struggle to get the words out.
He looked away and I wanted to throw myself out the window. Why did I ask him that? Why did that just slip out? He stepped away and sat on his bed. I turned around to him and he patted next to him, signaling for me to sit. So I did. I sat right next to him awaiting his explanation. My heartbeat could be heard from down the street. It's like I couldn't even hear the music. Everything felt so silent because I was just awaiting his words.
"I'm sorry I did that." He said softly.
"You don't have to be sorry," I spoke back.
"I'm not sorry I kissed you, Kendall, I'm trying to say sorry to myself, to Jen." He took a big sigh. "That makes no sense." He flopped back onto his bed. "I'm trying to make it right because what I did wasn't right."
He wasn't sorry he kissed me?
I heard his voice crack, he was really torn up about it. "Does Jen know?" I asked falling backward also, laying side by side.
"No." He sighed. "I don't know why I did what I did. I don't know why I kissed you but I know I can't blame it on the alcohol."
My gut told me he knew why he kissed me.
"I'm really confused right now." I giggled trying to lighten the mood.
"Me too." He sighed and sat up. "How do you feel about it?"
I wasn't expecting him to ask how I felt. "I guess I was mostly worried about you, what it meant for you and Jen." I sat up halfway and rested on my elbows. "I honestly was scared it would make you distant, that it would make you not want to hang out with me anymore. And in a way that is selfish because I was thinking about myself too but I do care about you." I fully sat up and looked out the window which faced us. I closed my eyes and felt the sun on my face. "There's this thing about you that I just can't figure out."
"Bisexuality?" He cracked a joke and we both laughed.
It was a weird conversation to have. I wished I could've properly expressed everything I was thinking and feeling but that wasn't the case. Everything just felt so busy in my head that I couldn't organize my thoughts. I tried my best to not sound like an idiot. But of course, it's me and I always sound like an idiot.
"It feels like you're holding back, almost like you're holding yourself back from something." I turned and looked at him. "You can't do that Angel. You can't hold yourself back and wonder what would've been." I looked back out the window
I felt his hand on my chin.
He turned my head.
Then he kissed me again.
Right there.
On his bed.
This time I pulled away.
Angel's room door creeks and in walks Jen. It was too late, we were caught. I could've pulled away earlier but it would've been no good, she had already seen enough. Her eyes said it all. They were wide and hurt. Her brows were raised due to the surprise and she was left speechless. Angel quickly got up from the bed and took a step back from me. He looked at her and then at me. He looked unsure of where to go.
"I'm sorry!" Angel spoke to her.
"How long?" She looked at him, she looked pale. "Has this been happening since y'all met?"
"No, I swear." Angel looked at me. "We kissed at the club on Saturday and we were just--"
"Just what? Trying to recapture the moment?" Jen slammed the room doorstepping in.
"We were just talking about what happened and trying to move past it and got carried away." Angel tensed up.
I felt like I didn't have the right to speak, after all, I was the other woman.
"You don't fucking do things like that Angel!"
"I know! I wanted to tell you but I needed to talk to Kendall about it first."
She snapped her neck at me and I got really nervous. I took that as my sign to leave. "I think I should head home."
"I think that's best," Jen spoke calmly to me.
I scrambled to pack my things up. It was weird, it was awkward. They stood staring at each other to resume their fight when I left. I shoved all my books and papers into my bag, I didn't have the time to pack everything neatly. I grabbed my jacket and awkwardly shuffled my way through them trying to make it to the door. I grabbed the doorknob and gave Angel one last look before heading out.
It wasn't even out his front door when I heard the arguing continue. I couldn't even describe the feeling in my stomach. How would you feel if your friend kissed you twice but you blame yourself for his girlfriend finding out because you didn't keep the promise you made to yourself to keep your mouth shut and not ask him about the kiss even though that's exactly what you just did!? A lot I know, but that feeling you would feel is what I'm feeling. I didn't keep the promise I made to myself about not asking him and I really wish I did. If I hadn't asked him we wouldn't have spoken about it and he wouldn't have kissed me. I felt so selfish.
If they break up it would be my fault. If they stay together and work through it would that mean Angel and I wouldn't be friends anymore? Would Jen want him to stay away from me? Who could blame her? Did she even know he's bisexual?