‼️There are talks of trauma, body shape and size and certain insecurities. If it triggers you, feel free to skip the chapter. But let me tell you, you aren't the only one getting triggered by it, it's also me and don't compare your body to anyone else's, not even to the books characters. Everyone is different and I love you no matter what. So take this just as a chapter. 💜‼️
This is not how I expected to wake up.
Especially wake up to.
Not to this...
What's wrong you might ask?
Oh well, I think .....
EVERY. DAMN. THING.
I heaved a sigh as I walk into the house which homed me till my high school days. The home to all my trauma and tears. But sometimes the trauma comes back as an old friend whenever I enter the house back. It stings but doesn't harm that much. Maybe being detached made me numb but letting it all go, it's fine now.
I guess... I guess it is fine.
Walking in I found one of my cousin's sitting there. Guess it is going to be long session. She isn't the gentle woman everyone thinks she is. Suha stared at me as I set down my bag on the couch. She came and gave me a hug. Guess the rest of the words will sting.
Suha: by not seeing you visit I thought maybe you don't wanna stay here anymore.
Siya: it's not that. I have been busy.
Suha: way too busy to even come here and meet everyone?
Siya: yeah. A bit more busy than necessary.
Suha: are you sure it's not because you set it that way?
Siya: what do you mean?
Suha: I mean that maybe you want to not visit us and that is why you take on more work.
Siya: I am not crazy to do that.
Wish I did think of that earlier. Thanks for suggestion.
I thought to myself. I glanced a look at her. Silken straight hair upto waist which made me think if I will find a single split end on them. A t-shirt and home pants that looked absolutely gorgeous on her and more as if she walked straight out of a series, not living at home. Nicely taken care of nails and hands, pedicured feet adorned by an anklet while the ring sat as a crown on her index finger. Fair skin and a lean figure that came from minimal eating and more of exercising.
Suha: follow me to my room. I have things to give you.
Siya: what things?
Suha: my clothes. They are too lose on me. I think the size M should fit you, right? Come on.
Siya: I umm I am size L to XL though. Medium gets stuck on my bust.
Suha: bust or waist?
Siya: bust... Not waist.
Suha: you might wanna check again. It can't be your bust.
Siya: I will show you so, let's go.
Suha: hmm... Come.
Not this body talk again. The thought itself makes me want to throw up everything I have eaten. I don't even know if I will ever come to love what I look like.
I went to her room and she handed me one of her tops. I tried putting it on but it got stuck just above my breasts.
Siya: see, I told you.
Suha: hmm... Don't you think they are too big?
Siya:no.... I think it's fine.
Suha: Well, I guess I might just give it to someone else. What about the jeans?
Siya: nah... Waist too small.
Suha: hmm. Fine. Let's grab some food then.
I got here too early maybe. I don't wanna grab lunch with her. But I still will. I went to the kitchen as she brought the food out. Fried rice and chicken.
Oh boy, I would be lucky if I can eat without throwing up.
Sitting with her doesn't help in digesting my food. My plate has more food than hers most of the time but not today. The familiar feeling of my eating disorder rise to my mouth again. Nausea showing it's presence by knocking at the door of my throat as I shoved down the food. The atmosphere around starts weighing down resembling the words thrown at me. A delusion is never supposed to be harsh but it hurts more than any truth. I grab my water in my left hand, gulping down as soon as the food reverses it's pathway.
Suha: you know it's bad habit to drink water while eating.
Siya: well....it's too spicy for me.
Suha: I guessed that. Can't handle spice as usual.
I smiled at her. A smile I no longer recognize.
What's real....what's fake....
Suha: well.... I will leave now. Will you be here at night?
Siya: I have to see. Maybe or maybe not. I will let you know.
Suha: ok. But it would be better if you stay.
Siya:hmm? Why?
Suha: we could spend the night together.
Siya: Let me see. If I don't have any emergency class I will stay.
Suha:hmm..... Fine. I will wash up and leave.
Her turning and walking towards the kitchen tap to wash her dishes brought down another relief filled anxiety. I breathe in, catching a whiff of dish soap and her perfume mixed into another smell. The rashness of her perfume neutralized by the soap smell. She put those washed dishes on the drying mat and took her bag. Kissing my forehead and walking off, the heels clicked making it known of her departure.
The empty plate in front of me welcomed a fake laugh from somewhere beneath my heart. I took to the tap for the remaining dishes and reminiscing about my self, keeping the thought of the food I ate at the bay. And the best thing would be remember something different. My thoughts drifted towards the talks of morning. That was.....embarrassing.
*flashback*
Sreya: what the fuck were you doing last night?
Siya:who?
Sneha:you.. Who else?
Siya: what about me....?
Sreya: who did you bring in last night?
Siya:.....myself?
Sreya: any man or woman?
Siya:sorry to break it to you but am straight so it will be a man for me till I feel like having a woman for myself. So am still straight.
Sreya:...... I didn't ask you to give a description.
Sneha: stop this gender knowledge first and who was that guy?
Siya:....well.....there's no guy... Which guy?
Sreya:......then masturbate made you scream?
Siya:huh? Oh.... Last night ?
Sneha: hmm... Obviously.
Siya: well.... Kind of..?
Sreya:kind of? KIND OF?
Sneha: how does that even happen?
Siya: he was on a call....
Sneha: sounds illogical...
Sreya: that's all it took to make you...hmm?
Siya: hmmmm
Sreya: fuck... Dude's got a big dick energy.
Siya: guess so....
Sneha: you never saw?
Siya: what the fuck! NO!
Sreya: phone sex huh?
Siya: yea.... Yeah.
Sneha: what are the chances he might make you pregnant way before you are ready?
Siya:huh... Nope! No unprotected sex for me.
Sreya:never?
Siya:.......for now.
*flashback ends*
The sky growling with a thunder brought me out of my thoughts. The sky wore it's dark jacket as it started appearing overcast with a greyish hue. The air invited rain as it gave the similar comforting smell. The wind got erratic as the clouds moved slower than them. The gale brushed the hair on my face as I went towards the window, the only one open in the place. Closing the window , I showed myself to my own room and opened its window. The window base elongated a lot more giving enough space for a enormous Saint Bernard dog fit with an ample room to move. You can basically close the window and hide there.
The clouds swirled and clashed, shades of grays and blacks mixed. I sat on the window base and moved closer to the enclosed iron grill structure. A small balcony is what the window was, a thing I will always be grateful for. Sitting here is bliss in itself for if someone asked me what heaven was a couple years back I would have said sitting here by closing the door and trapping myself out.
Funny how being trapped made me feel nice.
An immeasurable comfort arrives with nostalgia as it's buddy when the rain hits, pouring down. The water washes down gently my face. A drop trickles from my chin to neck and courses it's way downwards to the naval, crossing the valley between the breasts as it goes. It thunders as a gentle growl over the sky buzzing the glasses of the cupboards in my room.
I let my eyes numb their sense of vision as I heighten my couple senses of touch and hearing. The feeling of the rain trickling through my face and the soothing sounds the downpour made being my free therapy. My eyes open when the feels of rain lighten, indicating it's stop. I got up and checked myself in the mirror. Hair tendrils stay stuck kissing my face and some being rebellious. The wavy hair sometimes becoming a brat and curling up the baby hairs. The hug of the front of my T-shirt was especially noticeable. The front of the full sleeves mostly drizzled over but not dry neither dripping. The dirty blue of the shirt turned into a shade of midnight azure. Looking at the black pants and remembering how I have to wash all of it anyway, I decided to take a walk around. I gather my white jogger jacket and put it on for its been over three weeks as I contemplated over being productive and lazy. My phone remained on my bed, giving the Bluetooth headphones company as they witnessed me closing the window.
Grabbing the keys I walked out the door locking behind myself. The just washed road invited me to walk on them. Fallen leaves made a mushy sound under the feet as it was getting itself acquainted with the rain. Branches fallen and acting as a bridge to all those ants who went on expedition for their new taste collection. I walked through the stretch of road, people and acquaintance being none. Everyone avoided the once called heavenly showers. The fresh breath of showered air filled my lungs and unlocked a different feel of homeliness. The stray dogs started making appearance, slightly wet but mostly dry from being under the care of the present sheds. One of them came running to me and rubbed it's head against my leg. It did so to show affection or rub it's head I can't tell. I laughed and pat it's head.
Siya: is it your towel huh? Will you wash my pants hmm? Come with me and wash it with your paws. All dirt and water is here because of you.
The goofy smile emitted innocence as it craved for more pats and love. It's companions, two in number, came forward for whatever their friend was getting. One of them jumped on my leg for immediate attention. Taking my hands of the dirt-master, who is busy getting rid of the water on my pants, I put both of the hands on either as I squat in front of them. Both of them follow their hearts , giving in to the lovely caressing. I was so lost in loving those two that our beloved dirt-fluff got jealous and decided to kiss me. I fell down laughing, making contact with the overly hydrated ground.
Siya: hyaa don't kiss me!
I got up and started walking more. They followed, keeping me company on the way. The leaves rustles as their tip-top foot makes very light noises. Unless it's this quiet serene nature surrounding us, it wouldn't have been visible enough to hit the ear-drum. They stopped at the end of their territory , one of them howling at how dissatisfied it is being unable to follow. I looked back and whistled at them. They followed without another thought.
They trust me enough to follow into some unknown strays' territory.
I fastened my pace noticing a clear water puddle, the gift of just rain. They ran after me as I jumped in there twice.
Shit! I thought. My shoes were not waterproof. It will take long to dry it. I liked the shoe... Dammit!
But the guilt left and I kept walking . Repeating all these as those three followed me. Not taking notice of the houses we cross, but the trees shading us with their umbrella'd canopy, a family with leaves of all ages. The main road came sooner than expected, a couple of cars barely in view and rather busy. I turned around and walked straight, my mind filled with void thoughts. The breath that explored my lungs had sweetness to it along with its gases. The smell intriguing my senses, I followed . A slight clank brought me back to my senses. There stood a solitary Krishna statue.
A spot I visited a lot when I was suffering.
The marble figure no more than a single storey house stood in front of me. Two groups of stair challenged me to climb on them and reach him. I opened my shoe and walked in, following my three friends this time. The burden lighten by leaps and bounds as my first step reached the end of the challenging first set of stairs while tears streamed down both my eyes simultaneously when I answered to the second challenger.
My three companions made themselves comfortable near the main temple canopy, just outside it, sitting down to rest before ensuing the journey again. I walked forward and smiled, not understanding if whatever I am feeling is legit or fake. My Indian background taught me that he was our God.
I felt he is none other than the brother I didn't have. The statue stood on the pedestal of two feet, carrying a slightly larger than two feet stone figurine of the lotus eyed man. The flute present in his hand adding to his charm, his tag of being one of the greatest musician of his time. The dark skinned man stood there in an ever-glowing form, his yellowish-orange clothing draped around him making him feel vivid. One of the largest scarves tied around his head in an turban, leaving his shoulder hair open and surrounded by it yet vivid in between the turban which hugged his head like a head band. The five peacock feathers crowning his turban, stood out. Rings on finger, earrings in ear and necklaces adoring his body. The "U" painted vividly with red Vermilion on his forehead, as sandalwood was used to adorne the rest of his body and face art. The tassel of the flute jingles, showing it's presence.
Siya: if you dress up with jewelry it is fine but if any other man wears earrings in both ears and it suits him, he is trying to be a girl? Now that's partiality.
I sat down, talking as if we never stopped talking. Sitting down by the door, leaning on the doorframe, left leg resting on the ground while the right stood up right handling my hands on it. The fingers intertwined while resting on the knee and my head rested on the door-frame. The tears kept going through their course even while I closed my eyes.
Siya: will it ever end? The mere presence of her hurts me. Not just her but most of them. I was good when I was naive, when I was young. Finding out their real face was hard for me. I never wanted to know the meaning of their words. I miss the time when I thought they were genuine. At least I didn't have my disorder while eating with them. But now, the thought hurts. Being strong is....harder than I thought. It takes a lot and demands a lot. I am happy with my body but.... I find myself hating it at times. If... If all of it is because of people, please...please let one of the humans fix it. I don't wanna fix it myself. If I do try then.... I know for sure that I will jump off a cliff or surrender myself to death. They say you are God but... I didn't say that. I never did. I don't even call for you when I need help, I do it myself because I know no matter what I do...you will support me. You don't teach me but let me learn myself. You are one of my greatest teacher.....you...you are my family, more than my blood family will ever be. So...be kind enough to your sister Madhav bhaiya for I am sick and dead tired of only leaning on myself. I have friends who are always there for me but.... I want someone mine. Like you are to many....I don't expect that person to be all solving, all helpful. I just want them to be....mine. Who will...find something in me which I never found in myself. No need for money, fame... Nothing. I can get any materialistic things by working. I want someone mine....who will search me when I am lost. I don't want anything that will make me different, just something that will make me drown in love with them and I will happily relish it. I wanna drown and not hit the water-bed down there.....that's who I want as mine. Is it too much? Maybe. But.... I won't settle for less. People worship you but I don't. I worship love, you are just an epitome of it to me. I don't mind what happens, if am scolded because of my words but that won't change what I believe.
I opened my eyes, tears subdued with salty streams left behind.
Siya: as a brother to his sister....bring that person to me. Or let me go to them. I don't mind either. I....just hope that... I am running after a real person at least.
As I got up a gust of wind blew from behind the open door of the lotus feet'd God of Love. A single peacock feathers flew away, which I caught before it landed on the ground.
Siya: I will be dumb enough and say you agree to everything I said. I don't care if it's true or just the wind. I won't accept less remember. So long bro.
Saluting with my two fingers I turned and jumped, ringing the bell once, touching my fingers on my forehead and heart. I walked down the stairs as my buddies followed. On the way home, with a bit of free-er heart and soul, I decided to enjoy the walk in light drizzle. I stood underneath the trees whose branches I can reach and pulled them. Big droplets of water showered over me by the leaves. This play continued till I reached home, my companions barking at me being an idiot. By the time I reached the door-way of my house, I was almost soaking in the rain water blessed on me by the trees. I opened the door and gifted my buddies with some food and nice pets. While the munched on, getting their bellies fill, I walked for the shower.
Reaching the bathroom the clothes ended up in the washing machine as I switched it on after putting in the necessary washing agents. I hoped in the shower, blasting music from my playlist. The songs being erotic and sexual, made a perfect partner as slight warm water washed away the coldness from my body. The shampoo lather smells of genuine coconut and fruity with and underhint of floral touch became a balanced companion for the body wash which was having essential oils in it. I couldn't tell if my phone rang but I sure heard some other music than the one on speakers. The hair collected while showering , I stuck it to the wall. I know, might sound disgusting but I do remove it after am done. Turning it off, I walked out drying my body with one of my favorite things:fluffy towels. I turned the switch off of the washing machine while wrapping my towel around myself. Taking the clothes out and pinning them to the present rope, I walked to get dressed. While putting on a fresh pair of inner garments, that was covered with a full sleeve oversized tee and shorts, I heard my phone ring.
So it indeed was my phone. I thought.
I ignored it. Calls can wait, not self-care. I walked in front of the basin, washing the comb before reusing it. I applied my special moisturizer aka my baby cream and vitamin E serum on my hair. Combing it to get rid of all the knots that happened as I rubbed it with towel, I smoothened it out. Preferring my body wash smell, I left the vanity without applying any more stuff. Turning off the speaker, I heard the phone nagging at me. This is the fifth time now with three to four more message pings.
I walked towards it, noticing all from Jungkook-ah.
Why is he calling and messaging so much?
Without checking the message I directly call him. I almost heard a shout I can swear.
Fuck Siya... WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU ACCEPT MY CALLS? I GOT SCARED!
Oh... Ok... Not almost, actually is.
Umm... I wasn't home.
Where were you? What was so wrong with accepting the call?
Well... I went out without my phone.
Oh... I didn't know.
Expected as much.
I understood his embarrassment, as he earned a chuckle from me, and proceeded to sit on the bed. I put my feet under the blanket as a pillow made itself my cuddle buddy.
Why were you so worried?
It's raining like hell. There was a...forget it.
Say it.
Not important.
Should be as you are so worried.
Where are you right now?
At my house.
House? Which house?
Where I grew up.
Oh, visiting family.
Uh-huh. Except no one is home. Am alone.
Oohh... That's.. Umm
Sad? Depressing?
No.. Just didn't expect that.
Yeah.. No one does. But it's true.
So where were you out at this hour?
It's just evening.
I meant by the hour of rain uff.
Ahh... I was walking in rain.
Huh? Why? What if you get sick?
Don't worry. It's my therapy. And I love walking in rain. And I did shower in warm water.
Have something warm to drink.
Hmm I will.
Are you... Ok?
Hmm yeah.. I just told you.
No I mean.. You sound similar but something feels different. I might be wrong but I can't shake this feeling off.
A spark ran through my body. How was it even possible when he wasn't even near?
Just had some bad memories come back, nothing else.
Can I help?
I don't know... Why you ask?
Then do you think I can visit you or..maybe you know pick you up? I will make you hot chocolate too.
So much for me?
So what do you think of my proposal?
Well... Pick me up maybe.
Bad news.. You have to wait till eight o'clock clock then....am sorry
That's ok. Where should I wait?
I can pick you from your home on my bike... Ok?
Yea ok.
Oh and.... Umm any other way I can help?
No.. What you are doing is enough...
Is it? I don't think so.
It is... To me at least.
See you Siya.
See you. Am gonna wait Jungkook-ah.
He cut the call and I proceeded to listen to a podcast. A text popped up saying that Suha won't be back home at night. I wrote back saying I will be going back. As soon as her status showed typing I mute her.
Concentrating on Wuthering Heights going on in my ears, I focused on the feather in my hand. The wait for him seemed longer but peaceful. And soon, from 5:42 pm it reached 7:39 pm as his text popped demanding my adress. I text him back with it and switching my tracker on.
Guess... Today isn't all bad.
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Words: 4050
Ok...
See I know religious stuff is here and many of you all reading will may or may not be from different religion but understand that Siya is a character of Indian origin and with a Hindu background but there aren't rigorous religious stuff here. Just a normal interaction . So don't hate on illogical stuff.
And surely enjoy.
See you next time!
Love you all...
~Srija_Siya