This novel is dedicated to my mom on our last good day at Raven Rock (pictured above), and to my husband, who took my hand and led me out of the darkness.
I have to leave in two days, and the thought has been gnawing at me like a dog with a fresh bone. Not an ounce of me wants to leave River or Joy, but maybe I'll get the scholarship. I submitted the essay yesterday, so I guess until then, I'll finish up my senior year in an entirely different state and use video chats to pass the time.
But before I leave, there's one more person I have to see. The one person I've been dreading since I learned about my mom's passing. River gave me Margie's address, and I'm standing outside a cute little blue house with fake plants and a porch swing. My legs shake when I knock on the door, and I hold my breath, counting the seconds until Margie opens it up.
Her eyes are red like she's just been caught crying, and the tears start rolling down my cheeks when she lets out a strangled sigh of relief and pulls me tightly to her chest. I inhale the familiar scent of her, sobbing into her neck, and realize that all the words I had thought of saying don't need to be said at all. Margie understands me almost as well as River. I don't need to explain myself.
"You're okay, baby girl," she says. "She's in a better place now. She's safe."
I'm coughing from crying so much, breaking down yet again, but she continues to hold me for the next five minutes, rocking me back and forth until I finally seem to get ahold of myself. We've somehow made it to her porch swing now, and when it's silent, she takes the opportunity to speak.
"I know you've probably been waiting for this moment your whole life, and you've tried to prepare yourself, but just know that crying doesn't make you weak. It means you loved her deeply, and that's a special thing, Hazel. Breaking down and expressing how you feel is okay."
I nod, still unable to speak, as she wraps an arm around my shoulder.
"And none of this is your fault. I know you, Hazel, and I can see your little brain working behind those eyes. You did your best, loved her the deepest way you knew how, and she knows that, honey."
Margie is saying everything I've needed to hear since she passed, and I start crying harder, knowing that I'll have to be leaving her, too. Life isn't fair. None of this is fair.
"If I had just been there... If I hadn't gone out with River for his birthday, then I-"
"Sh. It would have happened at some point, and you and I both know that. This is not your fault. I'll say that until I'm blue in the face."
"A-and now I have to leave, and it's not that I don't love my aunt because I do, but she's walking on eggshells around me. She's hardly said two words to me. I've finally made a best friend here and found the one guy who-" My voice breaks just at the mere mention of River. "I can't leave them. I don't want to go."
Her hand grips tighter on my shoulder to squeeze it. "There's a reason I've been trying to get in touch with you, Hazel, and it wasn't just to try and console you."
I lift my eyes to hers. "What do you mean?"
She shifts uncomfortably and leans back more on the porch swing. "Your mom spoke with me a few weeks before she passed. I think she knew it was coming, as many of my patients do, and one afternoon while you were at school, she pulled me aside during my break, asking me to take care of you if anything ever happened. She wanted to know if it were something I'd be willing to take on."
My heart hammers in my chest, unable to slow down. My mom never spoke with me about this, but then again, we never spoke about her passing. It was a forbidden subject we never wanted to come to terms with. If we never spoke it aloud, it didn't make it real.
"And is it?" I ask. "Something you're willing to take on?"
Margie smiles down at me, brushing away tears with the back of her thumb. "Hazel, you're like my own daughter. Over the years, we've become closer than I imagined. I'd want nothing more than to have you stay with me if that's something you want. Your mom already put it In her will, and I spoke with your aunt a few days ago. I was hoping you'd seek me out before I came to find you, so I'm glad you came today. I wanted you to be ready before I told you about all of this."
I'm sitting on the swing beside her, completely dumb-founded, my body frozen with shock. My mom really planned all of this before she left. She knew I had found River and Joy. She knew I wouldn't want to leave, so she found me an alternative.
"You don't have to stay. It's just an option. I don't want you to feel obligated in any way to-"
"Are you kidding?" I'm grinning from ear to ear as I collapse into her chest for the biggest hug, squeezing her so tightly that I knock the wind out of her. "Oh my god, I have to tell River! I'm not leaving! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
She laughs into my hair, kissing the top of my head again. "You're welcome, Hazel, but I also promised your mom that if you stay with me, you have to go to college. No pushback on that."
"Well, it's a good thing I already submitted for my first scholarship, huh?"
***
After saying goodbye to my aunt and dropping her off at the airport, Margie pulls into my driveway so we can load my boxes of stuff into the back of her car. I see River peeking out the window from his house before he joins us in the driveway wearing a pair of slippers, sweatpants, and a sweatshirt. "Leaving already?" He asks. His eyes drop down to the ground to hide his tears, but when he hears me laughing, he pops his eyes up to mine out of curiosity.
My lips twitch into a smile. "What would you say if I told you I'm staying?"
He looks between the both of us. "What are you talking about?"
"Well, Margie made a deal with my mom that I could stay with her, so...I'm staying."
I hold my breath as that damn smile lights up his face, scanning my eyes in disbelief. "If this is some sort of joke, then it's awful."
"It's not," Margie says. "She's staying."
Before I can process it, River hoists me into his arms so that my legs are around his waist, spinning me around in a full circle. I throw my head back with laughter right before he brings my face down to his so he can kiss me. His hands support me underneath my thighs, and then they inch higher before Margie clears her throat.
"Boy, do we have a lot of ground rules to go over," she mutters, but even though she's supposed to be disgusted, she can't hide her smile. "Can you two love birds help me pack up this car?"
River's cheeks turn red with embarrassment as he sets me down on my feet. "Yes, sorry."
Margie disappears into the house, but River grabs my hand and spins me back into his chest so he can kiss me again. The feeling of his lips, knowing that I won't have to live without it for months, makes me swoon and get weak in the knees.
"I love you," he whispers. "And I'm really fucking happy you're staying."
I smile up at him with the cheesiest grin on my face. "I love you too, River."
***
Six months later
"Hazel, come on! We were supposed to take a picture forever ago!" Joy huffs, arms crossed, as she stands off to the side of the football field. In reality, she's only been waiting for about five minutes, but in Joy's world, that's an eternity. She's standing beside her father and step-mom, tapping her foot impatiently.
River can't keep his hands off me, so I smack his hand away, causing him to laugh. "I have to go," I say.
"One more, one more!" Margie squeals and holds up her phone again. I sigh and adjust the cap on my head, pulling the tassel to the correct side just as River tilts my face to look at him. I can't stop the smile that falls onto my face. It's hard when I can see how much love he has for me every time he looks in my general direction.
"God, I'm so proud," Tracy cries and dabs away more tears as she stares at us. Steve pulls her into his chest and kisses her cheek, trying not to cry.
Graduating high school is bittersweet. I'm so proud of the accomplishment but devastated that my mom isn't here to see it. I thought this might be the one thing in my life that she'd make it to, but despite the emptiness in my heart, it's filled by all the love around me. Tracy, Steve, Margie, River, Joy... They all love me, and they're all proud of me. It feels good.
"Your mom would be so proud of you, right?" River whispers into my ear as we continue to take pictures, always seeming to read my mind. I nod and blink away tears as we smile at the different phones aiming at us. "A full ride to State, Hazel. A fucking full-ride."
"You act like you didn't get one, too," I tell him. "We're both going to State on a full ride."
"I know, but for someone who didn't even think she'd ever go to college, to begin with, that's pretty damn impressive. Admit it."
"Alright, move over!" Joy huffs and merges her way into the middle of us. "Since you can't seem to break apart for ten seconds, I'm just going to have to insert myself."
I roll my eyes and shove her tassel out of my face. "You're insufferable, you know that?"
"But you love me," she sings.
Unable to argue with that, we take more photos, and when we're tired of doing nice ones, Joy sticks her tongue out and wraps her arms around our shoulders. River and I laugh as everyone snaps away, and I feel sad for the first time in the day. We only have a couple of weeks before Joy goes to Chapel Hill. She's becoming a defense attorney in a field just like her father, and with her not ever being able to take no for an answer, I think it's the perfect job for her, but I'll miss seeing her every day.
I never thought we'd be best friends. I never thought I'd fall in love with River, but if anything. they've both taught me that being different isn't always a bad thing. We all dealt with our pain in our own ways, and when we met, we learned something from each other to heal from it. River taught me it's okay to talk about my feelings, no matter what life throws at me. He taught me it was okay to feel. And Joy showed me that even when the world seems to be crashing down, there's always something to smile and be grateful for.
Everyone deals with their pain in different ways. River acted out of anger, Joy pretended as if everything was fine, and I pushed my feelings deep down inside myself until I couldn't feel them any longer. Despite how we handled the pain, it didn't make any of ours less than the others, and it's made me find newfound compassion for people I don't know. I'm less quick to judge because I truly don't know what anyone is going through, and I have River and Joy to thank for that.
The pictures end, and as we all return to our cars, Joy promises to meet us at an after-party tonight, parting ways to leave River and me alone. His parents are waiting in the car in the parking lot around the corner, but I stop him and stand on my tip-toes to kiss his lips. He smiles, grasping onto the sides of my face to make it deeper.
"Wait," I pant and pull away from him, "I have a graduation present for you." Reaching into my robe, I pull out the tattered napkin from my pocket and a pen, watching as he can't wipe the smile off his face.
"Is that what I think it is?"
I nod and sprawl out the napkin on his chest, using it as a table. His chicken-scratch handwriting faces up, The Feeling Checklist staring back at me. "I would have crossed the rest of this list off a long time ago, but I wanted to wait for the right moment, and this..." I glance around at the people we'll never see again, at the school we won't return to. "I just want you to know how grateful I am to have met you and what an impact you've made on my life."
"Hazel-"
"Let me finish," I say, blinking away tears. "You've made my stomach do the lurching thing the second I met you, and at first, I thought it was just a crush, but day after day, you've shown me nothing but what love truly is. You've been patient with me at times I've been nothing but a nuisance. You've forgiven me in times I didn't deserve it, and I don't know how the hell I'll ever be able to repay you for it. You took my hand when I was at my darkest and led me into the light, and I want you to know that no matter what happens or where life takes us, I will always love you. That'll never change."
He wipes away tears, his bottom lip trembling.
"So, here," I say and click the pen back, crossing off the final two feelings on the checklist. "You've officially accomplished something I thought would be impossible."
Taking the napkin from me, he flips it around and wipes away the remainder of his tears as he scans it.
The Feeling Checklist:
Sad ☑️
Happy☑️
Excited☑️
Angry☑️
Scared☑️
Loved☑️
Jealous ☑️
A/N:
The amount of tears I've cried in this chapter is way too many to count.
THE STORY IS OVER :(
I can't thank you enough for supporting this. And to all of those who have dealt with a sick family member or close friend, just know that you're seen and heard. You matter too. Your feelings matter too. Your MENTAL HEALTH matters too. Wanting to be seen and heard does NOT take away from your sick loved one. It doesn't make you selfish. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you HUMAN. And I love you <3
Few may know, but my mother was diagnosed with Lupus when I was in high school, and while thankfully she is a fighter and is still strong, we stopped doing all of the fun things that we normally used to do. We can't go shopping anymore, or hiking, new places. She's on oxygen and has to remain at home most of the time. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and I've been preparing for the day I won't have her my entire life.
But when you meet people who know how to pull you out of that place it's a special thing. I related so much to Hazel that this story seemed impossible to start writing. There were times of course that I got into writer's block, not knowing if I was being too personal, but in the end, I don't think being too personal is a bad thing. It makes the writing real.
Please comment and let me know what you thought. This is such a special story in my heart, and I'm so sad it's drawing to a close.
Want to know what to read next?
A Billionaire's Mistake is an ongoing story I'm writing right now, but there's like 39 chapters posted already, so feel free to read that one!
I'm also writing a story called Unfinished Business that has two chapters posted at the moment :)
& I've got about 1,000 stories in the vault that just haven't reached the surface of Wattpad yet, so stay tuned!!
Twitter: believeeexoxo
Instagram: deannafaison_
Tiktok: authordeannafaison