66. remix, pt. 2
"You look like shit."
"I didn't notice," Dream replied dryly. Tommy scowled.
"No, seriously. Why the hell are you so thin?"
"I've been skipping meals."
"Why?"
Dream shrugged. "Might as well get the full experience."
"I-- Dream, what the fuck." Tommy shook his head. "No. No, no, fuck that. There are mobs out here, Dream, and if you're not eating enough then you're gonna get hurt."
"So? I have three lives left." Dream didn't meet Tommy's gaze. "It's not quite what happened to you, but--"
"No, stop," Tommy snapped. "This isn't-- this isn't fucking right--"
"This has to look realistic, Tommy." Dream glanced up at the gathering clouds. "'Sides, it's not so bad. At least I can see the sky here."
Tommy's next protest died on his lips. ". . . Fine," he bit out after a long moment of silence. "But you better not die on me, okay? I don't care if you have three-- three canon lives, just-- fucking don't."
Dream's lips quirked into a small smile. "I'll try not to. Now c'mon, let's get inside before it starts raining."
~~~
Tubbo was worried.
Ever since Dream had been exiled, Tommy had been growing steadily more distant. He rarely showed up to cabinet meetings, instead disappearing for days at a time. When questioned as to his whereabouts, he'd claim that he was 'making sure the green bastard doesn't try anything'. He was adamant that nobody visited Dream, insisting that the man was dangerous, that he'd play mind games with anyone who talked to him.
Tubbo had experienced said mind games firsthand, so he was all too happy to stay away. The problem was, he knew Tommy wasn't immune to Dream's manipulation. Tommy spent so much time with Dream nowadays. Who knew what the man was doing to him?
These thoughts were what led to Tubbo standing in front of the nether portal, fidgeting nervously with his tie. He'd been here several times already, having followed Tommy on his third trip to visit Dream. Each time, he'd chickened out and gone back without entering the portal.
But Tommy hadn't been back in L'Manberg for two weeks now, the longest he'd ever been away since they retook it from Schlatt. That was. . . concerning.
Taking a deep breath, Tubbo squared his shoulders and stepped into the portal.
The first thing he noticed was the smell, the scent of rain and burnt wood choking the air. The next thing he noticed were the ruins.
The area he was standing in had once been a forest, if the charred tree stumps were any indication. The ground was carpeted with a thick mat of soggy ash, the occasional ember flickering in the soot like a dying star. Ten feet away, the burnt plants gave way to a mix of charred dirt and melted sand, which ended abruptly where the ocean began. An eerie silence hung heavy over the beach, not dissimilar to that of a graveyard.
Tubbo stepped out into the open. Through the hazy air, he could see the charred skeleton of a house. Its stone foundations were blackened and streaked with pale ash, scaffolding burnt nearly completely away.
A single, familiar figure stood in front of it. He was facing away from Tubbo, head upturned towards the remains of the house.
"Tommy?"
"Tubbo," Tommy said. His voice was cold. Tubbo hesitated, a chill passing down his spine. "You shouldn't be here."
"I haven't seen you in two weeks," Tubbo replied as he came to a stop five feet away. "I was worried."
"You shouldn't be here," Tommy repeated. He turned around. Tubbo stiffened, horror sinking into his bones.
A familiar mask was strapped over Tommy's face, an onyx smile etched into its surface. One edge of it was chipped and slightly singed, but the rest of it was pristine as ever, an eerie bone-white that glinted under the dying sunlight.
"T-Tommy?" Tubbo breathed. "Why. . . why are you wearing that?"
Tommy tilted his head, fingers coming up to brush the mask. "Oh, this? I took it from Dream."
Tubbo swallowed. "And. . . and where is Dream?"
Tommy hummed. "He ran away."
Tubbo blinked. "Ran. . . away? From exile? Does-- does that mean he's in the SMP? In L'Manberg?"
"No." Tommy turned back to the house. "He left the beach. He's not supposed to leave the beach."
Tubbo frowned. "It's fine as long as he stays out of the mainland, Tommy."
"But if he's not here, I can't keep an eye on him," Tommy snapped. He kicked a piece of rubble with his foot. "And if I don't keep an eye on him, who knows what the fuck he'll get up to. I'm gonna go hunt him down."
Tubbo frowned. "I-- wouldn't it make more sense to stay back in L'Manberg and defend it? Tommy, you're the vice, we need you back here. We can-- we can send a search party after Dream--"
"No, Tubbo." Tubbo took a step back as Tommy stepped forward, his fingers curling into fists. "You don't understand-- the shit he says. I know his tricks-- if you send a search party out there, he'll turn them to his side with some fucking pity story."
"We need you back in L'Manberg!" Tubbo protested. "I know you're worried about Dream, but--"
"I'm going after him." It wasn't a request, it was a statement. "Just fuckin' try to stop me, Tubbo. I dare you."
Tubbo felt his heart sink into his stomach. "Tommy, please," he started. Tommy snorted.
"Tommy, please," he parroted, and Tubbo got the distinct impression that he was rolling his eyes behind his mask. "Prime, you've grown soft. Either get a backbone and stop me yourself or go back to L'Manberg. Don't just stand there looking pathetic."
Tubbo said nothing.
"Don't know what I expected you to do," Tommy muttered. He turned away. "Well, Mister President, I'll be back as soon as I track Dream down. Don't come after me."
He disappeared into the fog, leaving Tubbo alone in the smoking ruins.
~~~
Technoblade held his sword up to the firelight, squinting, before lowering it and running the whetstone over it again. The shhk of metal against stone and the crackling of the fire washed over him, mixing with the low murmur of voices in his head. For the first time in a while, he felt calm. Content.
A knock shattered his momentary peace.
Technoblade narrowed his eyes at the door. It was snowing something fierce at the moment, the wind battering the windows and whisking freshly fallen flakes off the ground. Nobody should have been out in weather like this.
He calmly rose to his feet, newly-sharpened sword in hand, and stalked to the door. "Who's there?" he called. There might have been an answer, but the voice was so faint the words were lost in the wind. Technoblade let out a huff and opened the door.
A man was standing at his doorstep, clothes and hair laced with ice. The tips of his fingers were nearly white - a sign of skin-deep frostbite. His face was unfamiliar-- gaunt and pale, with a dusting of freckles and a small scar across the bridge of his nose. His tattered hoodie, however, was very recognizable. Technoblade would know that shade of green anywhere.
". . . Dream?"
"Hi," Dream croaked, right before he toppled over and passed out at Technoblade's feet.
67. (inspired by Chip_Seasoning)
"Oh, him too?" was Sapnap's exasperated question when he saw Tommy.
"Too?" Wilbur demanded, "What do you mean, t-- oh."
"Hi fur-ends," Dream called, the whiskers painted on his cheeks crinkling with the force of his grin. "How we feline today?"
"Oh Prime," Fundy whimpered, eyes fixed on the cat-eared headband on Dream's head. "It's another one."
"Dream!" Tommy shrieked, marching up to him. He jabbed a finger in the other man's face, the cloth dog ears on his own headband flopping back and forth with every movement. "I challenge you to a sword duel fur L'Manberg's independence!"
George let out a slow, long, breath, then looked up at the revolutionaries. "Has he been like this all day?"
"Yup," Tubbo confirmed gleefully. "It's been driving Wilbur mad. Dream too?"
"Yeah," Sapnap muttered. "He's been making fucking cat puns all day. It's terrible."
"Not as terrible as Tommy's dog puns," Wilbur deadpanned. "Nothing is as terrible as Tommy's dog puns."
"Excuse you?!" Tommy shrieked. "My dog puns are pug! Your tiny brain cannot comprehend their sheer pawesomeness--"
"Purrhaps I should say yes to the duel," Dream interrupted loudly. "But if I recall, you've nefur managed to take meowt in a fight. Betting L'Manpurr 's independence on this seems like a risky decision."
"You're a furmidable fighter," Tommy admitted, "but I'm pawsitive about my chances."
"Okay, pause for a second," Punz cut in. "Look, I'm sorry, but can you please for the love of Prime stop with the puns. I can't take anything seriously."
"No," Dream and Tommy said in unison, then turned back to each other.
"You're serious about this?" Dream asked.
"Fur sure," Tommy confirmed. "Don't you dare underestimate me, you bastard. I've gotten a lot better since the last time we fought."
Dream shrugged. "Alright then. Sword duel until first blood. If I win, L'Manberg gets dissolved. Purrmanently. If you win, L'Manberg gets independence."
"Deal." Tommy smirked. ". . . Don't terrier-self up about it when you lose."
"As if," Dream scoffed. "But don't worry-- when you lose, you'll still go down in hiss-tory."
"Okay, that's it, I'm done," Fundy declared, turning on his heel and marching away. "Fuck this. No. Bye."
"Oh c'mon, Fundy!" Dream called after him. "We're just kitten around!"
"Don't be such a pawty pupper," Tommy added.
Fundy's scream of rage could be heard from miles away.
68. (inspired by InsomniacCoffeeAllTheWay)
"RANBOO!" All four syndicate members jumped as Tommy burst through the door of the supposedly top-secret Syndicate meeting room, wild-eyed and covered in dirt. "RANBOO, HE KNOWS-- HE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE PLAN--"
Ranboo paled. "Oh. Oh no."
"Yes, oh no," Tommy snapped, hurrying up to him. "We gotta do it now, otherwise--"
"Wait wait wait," Philza started, rising to his feet. "What the fuck is happening? What plan? Who--"
"Shut up, oldza," Tommy snapped. He pulled an armful of Eyes of Ender from his inventory and shoved them into Ranboo's hands. "He's gonna be here any second now, hurry hurry hurry--"
Ranboo vaulted over the Syndicate table, ignoring the startled shouts, and promptly began shoving the Eyes into the slots on the table as quickly as he could. Tommy clambered onto the frame, stripping away the surface of the table with his pickaxe.
"What--" Technoblade spluttered, watching as his beloved table was destroyed. "How did you even find this place?!"
"None of-- your-- fucking business," Tommy grunted as he pulled blocks up. "Ranboo, how many--"
"Three more," Ranboo gasped, once again vaulting over the table (nearly kicking Tommy in the face) and slamming down another Eye of Ender. "Two-- one--"
"STOP."
Both teens screamed in surprise. The last Eye of Ender disappeared into Ranboo's inventory with a flash of light as XD stormed into the Syndicate room, looking every bit like a vengeful deity. He had foregone his human form, instead dressed in a verdant cloak and floating nearly a foot off the floor. Two halos encircled his head, spinning in dizzying circles, and the painted lines of his mask glowed a venomous green.
His intimidating appearance, however, was slightly offset by the fact that he was covered in glitter.
"STOP," the god boomed again. "YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO ACCESS THE END?"
"The End?" Tommy laughed nervously. "What's that?"
Ranboo nodded vigorously. "Uh-huh. No idea what that is. Sorry."
"DO NOT LIE TO ME. I SAW YOUR PLANS, WRITTEN IN THAT JOURNAL."
"Wait, that's where my memory book went?"
"You wrote down the fucking top-secret plan?!"
"You know what my memory's like!"
"You are an absolute fucking idiot, a moron of the highest caliber--"
"I know--"
"SILENCE."
Ranboo let out an undignified 'eep' and shut his mouth. XD floated closer, his shadow writhing and stretching into a monstrous shape.
"I DO NOT KNOW HOW YOU DISCOVERED THE END, BUT YOU WILL PAY DEARLY FOR ATTEMPTING TO BREAK MY RULES. NOW TELL ME HOW YOU LEARNED OF THE END'S EXISTENCE, AND I WILL LET YOU LIVE."
"Uh. . . uh. . ." Tommy's eyes darted from side to side. ". . . books?"
The mask covering XD's face hid his expression, but every mortal in the room got the distinct impression that he was glowering. "WHAT BOOKS?"
"Those books!" Tommy blurted, flinging a finger in the direction of the doors. XD turned to look, and in that moment, Ranboo shoved the last Eye of Ender into place. The portal flared to life with an ominous hiss.
XD whipped around with a snarl. "GO GO GO GO GO!" Tommy screamed, kicking Ranboo into the portal before throwing himself into it. The deity roared and dove after them, viridian flames flaring around his cloak. The moment they were through, the portal fizzled, Eyes of Ender shattering one by one before the entire frame collapsed in on itself and crumbled into a pile of yellow dust.
"What," Niki said into the ensuing silence.
"What," Philza echoed, then added, "the everloving fuck?"
Technoblade stared mournfully at the pile of dust. "My table. . ."
69.
The bell above the door rang as someone stepped into the diner. "Just a second!" Dream called. Moments later, he hurried out of the kitchen. "Oh, hey Connor."
"Hey," Connor greeted. He scanned the restaurant, taking in the shining tables, the plush chairs, and the sparkling black countertop. "Nice place you got here."
"Thanks." Dream tapped the cash register sitting on the counter. "So what can I get you?"
Connor squinted up at the menu hanging above the counter. "I'm broke. Seriously. The only thing I can afford is a cup of water."
Dream shrugged. "On the house, then. We've had a slow day, I could use some good company."
"I EXIST!" Tommy hollered from the kitchens.
"You don't count as good company," Dream called back. "Too annoying."
"FUCK YOU!" Tommy shoved his way through the swinging kitchen doors. "I'LL SHOW YOU ANNOYING, YOU-- oh. Heyyy, Connor! Big man! Didn't recognize your voice. How you doin'?"
Connor blinked. "Uh. . . hungry?"
"You've come to the right place," Tommy declared, sweeping his arm in a grand arc and nearly hitting Dream in the throat. "Big T's Burger Tower! So what can I get you?"
"It's on the house," Dream added. Tommy shot him a look, but Dream just shrugged. Tommy rolled his eyes.
"Okay, fine, yeah, it's on the house."
"Uh. Okay then. Could I have a. . . sparkling burger and fries?" Connor paused. "Why is everything on the menu labeled 'sparkling'?"
"Sparkling burger and fries, coming right up! Dream, I have been chopping the potatoes for an hour straight. You do the fucking cooking."
"Yeah, yeah," Dream muttered, pulling an apron out from under the counter and trudging into the kitchen.
"No, seriously, why is everything labeled 'sparkling'?" Connor looked worried. "Is it. . . is it like sparkling water? Are you guys pumping air into your burgers?"
Tommy wrinkled his nose. "Fuck no. You'll see when you get your food. Go find a place to sit, I'll join you after I get a soda."
~~~
"Food's done," Dream declared, kicking the kitchen door open and slipping away from it before it could slam into him or the tray of food he was carrying. He strode up to the table and set the tray down in front of Connor, who stared at it. "Here you go. Enjoy."
"Uh," said Connor, poking his burger. There was glitter scattered through the bread and the meat. "Are you sure this is. . . edible?"
"It's all edible glitter," Dream assured, sliding into the seat next to Tommy. "It won't kill you."
"Uh-huh." Connor eyed the burger dubiously, then picked up a fry. "And I'm. . . supposed to dip this in this cup."
"Yep."
"Which is full of edible glitter."
"Yep."
"What do you have against ketchup?"
Tommy shrugged. "Nothing, glitter's just better."
"If you say so," Connor muttered, then stuck the fry in the red glitter and shoved it in his mouth. He chewed for a long, contemplative moment, swallowed, then looked up at the two restaurant owners. "This is disgusting."
"It really is," Dream agreed. "But at least we're unique."
"True." Connor ate the next fry without bothering to dip it in the glitter. "So you put edible glitter in all your food?"
"Pretty much, yeah. That's why all the stuff is called 'sparkling'." Dream leaned back into the chair. "As a sales pitch, it's been pretty successful, but we've gotten some mixed results when it comes to actually eating the food."
"Can't imagine why," Connor muttered.
Dream cleared his throat. "SO. What have you been up to? I haven't seen you around the server lately."
Connor picked up his burger and avoided eye contact. "I've been around. Doing stuff. Hanging out with some new friends, things like that." He took a bite of the burger and promptly grimaced.
"You don't have to keep eating it if you don't want to," Tommy said. Connor shook his head.
"Free food, can't waste it," he choked out. He took another brave bite of his burger, gagged, and promptly set his burger down. "Do you. . . have water?"
Tommy snorted and rose to his feet, disappearing back into the kitchens. He came back with a glass filled with ice water. "Here you go, big man."
"Thanks," Connor managed. He promptly began downing water as if his life depended on it.
"It can't be that bad," Dream muttered, narrowing his eyes at the culinary atrocity. Tommy snickered.
At last, Connor set his cup down. He wiped his mouth with the napkin, then leaned back into his seat and sighed. "Okay, yeah, I think I can afford to waste a bit. Thanks for the food, but I actually came here 'cause I wanted to ask you about something."
"Yeah?" Dream asked distractedly. He was still staring at the burger as if it had personally offended him.
"You're in a time loop, aren't you?"
Dream's head snapped up at the same time that Tommy choked on his soda. Connor watched them, amused, as the teenager sputtered, beating his fist against his chest.
"What-- the fuck," he wheezed between coughing fits. "I-- how."
Connor grinned. "You're not the first time traveller I've met. You guys give off the same. . . aura, vibe, I don't know what to call it." He paused and glanced around the restaurant. "Though, uh, there's also your sudden change in behavior."
Tommy stiffened. "Wait, wait, back up for a second-- you've met another time traveller?"
"Yep. He's not in a loop like you, though. He just moves back and forth."
"Who?" Dream demanded. "Do we know him?"
Connor shrugged. "Maybe. He doesn't know I know-- or maybe he does, I have no idea-- but I promised I wouldn't tell. You guys gotta figure it out yourselves. Sorry."
Tommy scowled. "What the fuck, man-- you can't just-- tell us that and then brush it off!"
Connor shook his head. "Figure it out yourselves," he repeated.
"Connor," Dream said. "We're in a time loop, yeah, but we don't want to be here forever. This-- other time traveler you talked about-- if he could help us--"
"I can't tell you," Connor insisted. "I'm sorry, but I can't. I know you guys'll find him eventually--"
"We're over a thousand loops in and we didn't even know someone else was time travelling," Tommy snarled. "Dammit, Connor, just fucking tell us. I'm not above trapping you in this shitty restaurant until we get an answer."
Dream shot Tommy an alarmed look. "Tommy--"
"No. I'm not gonna waste five years looking for the dude when Connor literally has the answer. It's not like he'll remember anything we do this loop!"
There was a moment of tense silence. Connor shrank into his seat, suddenly appearing to realize exactly how much of a predicament he'd gotten himself into. Dream was watching Tommy warily, his hands half-raised as though he was ready to grab him.
"Too far?" Tommy asked quietly.
"Too far," Dream confirmed. Tommy let out an explosive sigh and fell back into his chair, grimacing. He ran a hand through his hair, then looked up at Connor.
"Sorry, big C," he muttered. "I didn't mean that."
Connor managed a nervous smile. "Yeah, uh. Okay. That's okay. Um. I. . . I think-- I think I should probably go."
"Alright," Dream said. "Thanks for telling us about the other guy."
Connor shrugged uncomfortably and stood. "No problem. Good luck figuring it out." He glanced towards the door, then back at the two loopers. "And good luck with your restaurant."
He hurried out of the diner, the bell over the door chiming cheerily as the door clicked shut behind him. Tommy and Dream sat in silence, the abandoned fries cooling on the table between them.
At last Tommy sighed, slumping forward and pressing his forehead against the table. "Fuck."
Dream let out a humorless chuckle. "You can say that again."
"Fuck," Tommy repeated. He lifted his head and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. "Fuuuuuuuck. I did it again."
"You caught yourself this time." Dream folded his arms across his chest, turning his gaze to the window. "That's better than me."
"I'm not comparing myself to you, you bastard," Tommy muttered. "I know this looping shit is messing with our morals, but fuck. I seriously considered making him tell us and-- Prime, this is so messed up."
"I did too," Dream confessed quietly. "But we didn't, and we let him go. That. . . that counts for something."
Tommy peered at him. "You don't sound too sure about that, big man."
"I'm not."
"Encouraging."
"Thanks, I try to be."
They sat in companionable silence for a while, watching the sun set through the window. At last, Dream shifted. ". . . so who do you think the time traveller is?"
"Probably Ranboob," Tommy grunted. "He's such a main character, of fucking course he'd be time travelling."
"We'll go talk to him tomorrow morning, then," Dream decided, rising to his feet. "I don't think either of us feel. . . calm enough to hold a conversation with someone else tonight."
Tommy, tellingly, didn't protest.
70. (credit to curry_powder)
Niki started as the bakery door swung open, pasting on her customer service smile as she looked up. The smile promptly slid off her face when Schlatt strolled in, followed by a nervous-looking Fundy.
"Mister President," she greeted coldly.
"Niki Nihachu," Schlatt returned. "I'm here for my money."
Niki blinked, caught off guard. ". . . Your money?"
Schlatt shrugged. "If you want to keep a business in Manberg, you have to pay the taxes." He reached into his inventory and produced an envelope, tossing it onto the counter in front of the baker. TAX NOTICE was stamped across it in blaring red.
Slowly, Niki reached forward and unfolded it. She stared down at it for a long moment, then looked up at Schlatt. "A. . . a stack of diamonds? Are you serious?!"
"Government sets the rules. Pay the taxes, or your business gets demolished."
Niki looked back down at the paper,
Schlatt hummed, an oily grin spreading across his face. "Well? You got the money?" At Niki's silence, the grin widened. "No?"
"Schlatt," Fundy pleaded, his ears pressing back against his head. Schlatt held up a hand, eyes fixed on Niki.
"Guess we'll have to demolish your bakery."
"You can't do this," she said quietly. "I won't let you."
Schlatt laughed. "What're you gonna do, stab me with that butter knife?"
Niki paused, looking down at the butter knife laying by the cash register. She picked it up and turned it over, running her fingers over the symbols engraved in the handle. The serrated edge gleamed with a sheen of faint purple.
("Happy birthday," Dream said, shoving a thin black box into her hand. "I got you a piece of metal."
Niki glanced down at the box. "Dream, my birthday's in November."
"Happy early birthday," Dream amended. "I definitely didn't forget what day your birthday was."
"Definitely," Niki echoed, a smile tugging on the edges of her lips. She undid the royal blue ribbon tied around the box and lifted the lid, feeling her eyebrows raise. ". . . a butter knife?"
"A butter knife," Dream confirmed gravely. "The greatest weapon known to mankind."
Niki laughed and replaced the lid. "Thank you, Dream."
"No problem." Dream's serious facade cracked into a grin. "Thank Tommy, actually. He's the one that made the knife, I just added some enchantments."
A pause. ". . . Enchantments?"
"Sharpness V, Power IV, Looting II, Unbreaking III," Dream's grin widened into something predatory, "and of course, Sweeping Edge I. I would have added Fire Aspect, but I thought that would be a bit overboard."
Niki looked back down at the little black box, suddenly much more aware of exactly what it held inside. "I. . . how did you enchant this with Power? And why a butter knife?"
Dream's smile abruptly disappeared. "Schlatt's not. . . I know he doesn't like you, Niki. I thought it'd be better if you had something you could easily conceal." He paused. "As for the Power enchantment. . . don't question it, Niki. Just don't question it."
Niki stared at him for a long moment, then sighed. ". . . Thank you, Dream. Really. And thank Tommy for me too."
"Will do." Dream pulled his mask back over his face, glancing over his shoulder. "Well, I better go before someone sees me. Stay safe, Niki."
"You too."
Dream sent her one last grin, then dashed away.)
Niki let out a slow exhale, turned the butter knife between her fingers, then casually tapped it on the counter. The marble promptly cracked, sliced cleanly in a diagonal. A triangular portion that made up about a quarter of the counter slid off with a grinding noise and crashed to the floor.
Well. That was a lot more effective than she was expecting.
"Enchantments," she said by way of explanation. Her smile grew slightly vicious as Schlatt paled and took a step back. "A friend of mine is very good with them. He's the one who gave me this, and I do believe he hates you. So yes, I would stab you with this butter knife."
"Wait, Nihachu," Schlatt blurted as the baker stepped around the ruined counter. "Niha-- Niki, we can talk about this--"
"Never speak of taxes in my presence again," Niki ordered, "and maybe I'll let you leave with your limbs intact."
"Of course," Schlatt agreed quickly. "Yeah. Deal. Do whatever the fuck you want."
"Glad we could reach an agreement, Mister President." Niki raised the butter knife. "Now get out of my bakery."
Schlatt had never run faster in his life.
Loop Notes
67. The author lost a bit of her soul writing this one.
68. Dream had to do a bit of fiddling to make sure the end portal would activate after XD's tampering, but at least Ranboo and Tommy got to see the End. Of course, they only managed to stay there for about five seconds before XD yeeted them back into the Overworld.
70. Fortunately for Schlatt, Niki left Manberg a few days later to join Pogtopia. Unfortunately for Schlatt, Pogtopia easily retook Manberg with the help of Niki and her OP butter knife.