Chapter 16: Hatred?
Canada cracked the guest room door open and took a peek in to check on Russia. He didn't say a word or make a sound, simply peeked in to see the Russian asleep in the bed. Russia looked like he was in a heavy sleep but there were still circles under his eyes, Canada's expression didn't change though, he didn't feel bad like he usually would of. He closed the door again and walked toward the stairs. He looked back to find Kumajirou coming out of the bedroom, though he could barely walk with the pain he was still feeling. Canada frowned and picked the little bear up, making his way down the stairs with him, though that wasn't easy still with his ankle still feeling weak and sore. He barely said a word to France as he got some seal rolls from the fridge, then sliding down against it, having the little bear sitting on his lap and began feeding Kumajirou little bites; he couldn't stomach much of the food though. France looked over from his seat but didn't ask any questions, he could simply tell that he didn't want to talk.
OOO
Everything felt so cold, but the pain was the overwhelming problem. He looked down at his hands only to find them drenched in the crimson color he had known since the moment he existed. He could feel himself falling backwards onto the hard ground behind him, though he wasn't sure exactly what that was. He lifted his hands up though to get a better look, to see if it was actually what he believed. The blood slowly dripped down his arms then, it felt real. He thought he felt himself shake but he again couldn't be sure.
He could hear screaming, but not the sound of that little girl or a dying citizen, a scream he had never heard before. It sounded so painful, a scream that had only been burst out a very few times. It was agonizing, breathless, dying... And it was Matthew's scream...
Everything felt cold again, he could feel himself holding onto someone's hand, touching someone's cheek, wiping tears away. Soft skin as cold as the snow, the very touch made his hand shiver. He could hear echoing voices, not of his people but actually himself. He could hear the echoing words repeating: "Wake up! Wake up! Please wake up!... don't go..." they repeated over and over and over again, he couldn't get the words out of his head. "Matthew wake up!"
Russia jumped up in his bed and gasped. He continued panting for a few seconds then wiped the sweat from his forehead away. He sat up in the bed and calmed himself, the nightmares were becoming more clearer, they were becoming unbearable. The death of his people suddenly turned to something that mattered as much as they did. He held his head in his hands for a moment before he realized he needed to just let it go and get up, so he did. He got out of his bed and to their room, knocking on the door once then trying to speak. "Matvey..." He said. He knocked again before opening the door up. "Matvey I-" he stopped himself once he saw Canada wasn't in there anymore, neither was the bear, and neither was his luggage. Russia gulped, Canada was mad. Not just a little mad where he would be over it after some rest, the mad he never got with Russia, the one where Russia couldn't tell how long it would be until Canada spoke to him again.
He sighed and walked down the stairs to the kitchen to find Canada but only frowned when he saw only France there. France looked up at the Russian and raised his coffee cup a bit. Russia nodded and moved his eyes around the room to find Canada but no, he wasn't there. "Where's Canada?" He questioned. France finished his sip of coffee then answered.
"He left for Madrid about two or three hours ago." France said. Russia raised an eyebrow, sighed then got a stupid look on his face.
"What time is it?"
"It's uh," France looked down at his phone. "Almost nine-thirty." Russia gritted his teeth and angrily sighed before quickly walking back up the stairs. "Why?"
"I'm going to miss my flight!" Russia rushed back up the stairs and began to pack his things that were still out. He quickly got out of his sleep wear and into a dress shirt and pants, then covered himself with his coat and scarf. He barely had anytime so he didn't brush his hair or his teeth, which made him feel a bit disgusting but he would take care of it at the hotel in Madrid. He didn't even shower, which made him feel even more disgusting but he would, again, take care of it later. He called a taxi as fast as he could as he finished packing his things and started going down the stairs, only to realize he forgot his phone in the guest room so he had to go back up and down once again as fast as he could as the taxi beeped.
"See you in Spain~" France called as Russia slammed the front door and took a seat, simply placing his stuff next to him and panting a little bit for air since he has rushed. He tried explaining the best he could to the driver on where he was going, though the French man only waved his arm in some kind of understanding. Russia sat back for a few minutes of relaxation, this was the first time he ever had to rush around in order to catch a damn plane. He took his cell phone out of his pocket and scrolled down his contacts to Canada's name, it was worth a shot to at least call him and try talking, then maybe the flight wouldn't be so awkward when he met him there. He tried calling but frowned when he only heard the voicemail.
"Matvey, I'm really sorry... I-I'll meet you at the airport alright?... j-just I'm sorry..."The message was the best he could come up with, he didn't know what else to say or even how to say it. Plus, he never let massages unless they were important, which was almost never. He rubbed his temples a bit and sighed, his temper had gotten out of control and this was the result. He figured though, he seemed to always mess up... everything... whether it was Canada, or his siblings, or even his country... everything was his fault...
By the name security was done, he believed he wouldn't make it to his flight. Thankfully, the lady was nice enough, and understood his English, to allow him onto the plane just before the gate closed. He wasn't the last one on, a couple behind him had to talk about their tickets before getting on like there was a problem with them. Russia didn't care, he simply got on quickly and shoved his carry-on into any over head compartment he could. He looked for his seat and gulped a bit, Canada nor Kumajirou was there. He looked around the plane, thinking he had the wrong seat but it was right. Maybe he went to the wrong airport?... Russia thought as he sat down and buckled up, now his thoughts began Canada was so mad that he traded seats or got an earlier flight? Russia sighed and closed his eyes to just let it go. "Howdy partner!" The voice sounded like America's but more high pitched and southern. Russia peeked open an eye to look at the couple who was held back at the gate. "That's our seats man~" Russia opened his other eye and glared a bit.
"No, they are not." He said. The man looked down at his ticket and back to Russia.
"Yes sir-ie they are~" The man laughed a bit. "We just got the tickets from someone who sold theirs for an earlier flight." I knew it... "So yuppers! That's our seats~" Russia rolled his eyes and stood up to let the two in, the woman sitting by the window and the man in the middle. Russia tried getting comfortable again but the man put his hand out to the Russian. "Hey! Nice to meet ya! I'm Johnny Jones!" Jones! ? Russia twitched a bit. "From the US of A! What about you?" Russia twitched even more, you're kidding... right?
"Ivan. Russia." Russia pushed the man's hand away and slowly sunk into his chair with a new headache as the man continued talking. He turned to his wife and the two even began singing the damn star spangle banner and various country songs, randomly throwing in facts about New York to Russia as well... All before the plane even took off. He pulled down the table from the seat and quickly banged his head on it in order to stop his temper from getting any worse and bashing the two American's heads into the window. He put it back up and sunk in his chair, this would be the longest two hours in his life.
Twenty or thirty minutes into the flight, the Americans had still not shut up. Russia tried blocking out their sound with headphones he had received, he didn't even care that it was French music or radios. He simply closed his eyes and listened to it, trying his best to ignore the two Americans. He twitched though when he started thinking again...
"Maybe to you, he's a stupid bear. But he's my best friend Russia, he's always been there for me." "I doubt that." He had pushed it...
"It's true though...He's always been here, throughout everything, anything. He's my only friend, best friend."
"He's just a bear. You have other friends than him."
"Who! ? You! ? America! ? France! ?" Canada had never yelled at him like that. "Their my family and they always forget about me! Probably even you! You know nothing of me!"
"C-Canada?....C-Come on, not everyone forgets about you Matthew."
"Bullshit! Everyone forgets about me! Everyone!" He had made Canada even cry. "Except Kuma... I may forget his name and he may forget mine but he's the closest thing I have to a friend, he's always there... when I'm all alone, he's still here."
Canada's crying voice had echoed in his head, everyone forgets about me! Everyone!... except Kuma...How had he pushed it that far? How did that turn into such a problem? Russia opened his eyes a little bit; there was more to it, there must be more to it, right? He rubbed his temples a bit. But what?
The plane landed in Spain, he was relieved to finally get away from those idiotic Americans who had tried talking to him the entire time. He quickly got his carry-ons and got off that plane as fast as he could once it was allowed, he needed to get away from them in order to bring back his sanity. As he walked to get the rest of his luggage, he called Canada again for any answer but once it was voicemail, he frowned again. "Canada it's me again... I'm really sorry... obviously you're very mad... I sat next to two Americans by the way...but I'm really sorry. Call me back please so we can just talk..." he hesitantly hung up and put the phone back into his pocket.
What if he never talks to me again?...
The question ran through his head as he stood looking for his luggage. He got so deep into the thought though that he missed his luggage passing and had to quickly go after it.
OOO
Arriving at the hotel he was exhausted, Spain confused him so much. But he was there now, and he only hoped that Canada didn't change his room too so maybe they would talk. Just his luck though. "There's no reservations by Williams." The front desk man had said. Russia blinked, he was sure Canada put it under his name.
"What about Braginski?"
"No sir." The man said. "Would you like a room?" Russia sighed and nodded as the man put in the information for a new room. Looks like he wouldn't be talking to Canada after all. He made his way into his room though, taking out his cell phone and dialing the number again as he put his luggage on the chair next to the desk.
Again, voicemail. "Canada, can you please call me back?... I'm sorry, I'm worried, I just want to talk. Please?" he gulped a bit and hug up. He took a deep breath and sat down on the bed, he tried calling again but voicemail hit and he repeated his last message. He set the phone on the bed and laid back, covering his eyes with his hands and taking a few deep breaths. I'm sorry Matthew... He couldn't help but feel upset, he hadn't felt this bad since... Belarus and Ukraine left... He rolled onto his side and put a pillow on his head. He was done for the day.
OOO
Russia couldn't sleep that entire night, every time he did his nightmares would quickly take over and he couldn't take it. He drank coffee most the night, mixing it with some Vodka as well, and tried his best to stay up until morning. Now that morning was he, he wished he had slept, but it wasn't the first time he had a sleepless night so he managed to get around it. He drank his coffee again as he walked into the meeting place, though he paused when he saw Canada off to the side. He began to walk towards him but stopped once he saw he was in the middle of a conversation, with Prussia no less. He stayed at a corner and looked over, trying to get a ear of the conversation but they seemed too far. He looked though and raised an eyebrow. That look in Canada's eye, was that... hate?
Russia out of everyone knew that look. That sense of hatred you could see in a person's eyes, he knew it very well. He had seen it everyone's eyes, the others countries, his bosses, his people, himself... but never, not once, in Canada's eyes; he never expected to ever find that look in his eyes. Canada didn't "hate" anyone... right? Sure he got annoyed, but never hated, he wanted peace. Russia gulped a bit seeing that look, even someone who was pure like Canada got that look, he didn't like it.
The second he saw Canada move he quickly walked into the meeting room and joined the other countries at their seats. He sat down and sighed, only to have America run over and "ask what's wrong Commie". Russia growled a bit but looked up at America with the smile he always had on. "Your people are just as annoying as you are, you know that?" America laughed a bit. "They sound like you too! It's not funny!" America laughed even more as he walked away to his seat next to Canada, he saw Germany coming into the room. Russia looked toward Canada, hoping he would at least look back, but he kept his eyes on starting his notes. Russia frowned and opened his notebook.
The meeting went on with Russia staying very silent. He kept looking across the table toward Canada but not once did he look Russia's direction, nor did he notice Kumajirou making any challenge or fuss during the meeting like he usually did. Russia looked back to his notes again to avoid starting his thoughts up again but he couldn't help looking over. Each time he did though he only felt more upset. Canada eventually started to look like he was falling asleep until America started nudging him. Russia got a worried look but wiped it away when Belarus started looking over. Why am I so upset over this? Russia didn't feel like himself, he wasn't himself, everything was getting to him... he couldn't focus on a single thing.
"The next meeting will be held in, dare to say it, D.C." Germany stated. America automatically jumped up and cheered, Canada laughed a bit at him looking like a fool but helped him die down a bit once it got out of hand.
"Finally! Bout damn time!" America crossed his arms. "Now all of you can take the long flight across the Pacific ocean!"
"Atlantic." Canada corrected him.
"Either or depending on where you are!... I think." America got a stupid look on his face as he had to think about how the world was actually laid out, but he couldn't figure it out and simply sat down. England rolled his eyes in the seat next to him. Russia rolled his eyes too, that America was the biggest idiot he knew. The meeting ended with that, the date would be soon since the talking and annoyance this meeting had wasted more than the maximum time, they barely finished any topic. They all picked up their notes and quickly left, Canada snuck out fast before Russia could catch him. Russia sighed and sat there, putting his papers away in order and slowly since there was no use in rushing now, Canada was gone. Soon, he was the last one left or so he thought. "Geez! You people can never get anything done!" Prussia walked in. "Oh, hey, Spain isn't here." He looked around a bit. "Nope not here. Oops."
"Is that why you're here?" Russia asked, figured he make some kind of conversation instead of staying in silence.
"Ja, but he's not here so bye~" Prussia turned to leave back out the door. Russia ignored him and went back to packing but a thought popped into his head.
"I just don't want to see this end up like Prus-"
"Shut up."
Canada's voice was sharp, he cut France off. That sense of hatred in his eyes when he looked at Prussia. What about Prussia? What the hell happened? "H-Hey Prussia." Russia called out without even thinking about it. Prussia swung himself around and looked for the Russian to continue talking but Russia froze with the thought of maybe it's a bad idea. "Y-You and Canada were talking before, what about?"
"Huh? Oh, nothing~ I had a few questions that's all." Prussia waved and tried walking away but Russia called again.
"Does Canada hate you?"
"Hate me? I'm sure that peace-lover doesn't hate me, no one can hate awesome me! Kesesese~" Prussia laughed but Russia looked away unsatisfied with the answer. "I mean, I can see why he wouldn't like me anymore but not hate."
Russia turned back. "Why wouldn't he like you?"
"A lot of reasons, we ended pretty badly." Prussia began walking away but Russia took a step toward him in surprise.
"Wait, ended badly? You two were?..." his voice trailed off with the realization. "What happened?"
"Why do you want to know so much?"
"Just curious?"
"Curiosity killed the cat there Russia~" Prussia leaned back against the wall of the room. "If you must know, I kinda wanted someone else while I was still with Canada. I kinda ended it like that."
"Y-You... cheated on him?" Russia asked, that had to hurt Canada like hell.
"Ja but I was trying to end it with him for a while!" Prussia claimed. "He was getting annoying, all he wanted was to talk with me and be with me and he was just needy." Russia suddenly felt like a light bulb had went off, but at the same time he felt like he had messed up even more. "I wanted a little freedom from him. He was like a wife, and not the Finland kind of wife." Prussia bounced off the wall. "So that was that." He began to leave.
"He didn't want to be alone..." Russia blankly said.
"Huh? What?" Prussia looked back one more time but Russia blankly stared at the ground with his realization.
"Except Kuma... I may forget his name and he may forget mine but he's the closest thing I have to a friend, he's always there... when I'm all alone, he's still here."
It suddenly hit him, why Canada was so upset... it was much more than just that bear, it was what he meant. He didn't want to be alone, that was the feeling no one wanted and it was the feeling that haunted him forever. "I know that feeling..." He mumbled to himself. The feeling of being alone, the realization of being alone, simply being alone made anyone feel empty inside, made them feel numb. He knew that feeling all too well, being alone once the Baltics were gone he felt empty. Once Ukraine and Belarus were gone, his entire body felt numb. He was alone in that big empty house, he stayed there by himself with no one to talk to, no one wanted to talk to him. He was simply there wasting time and space, doing work in silence, sleeping in silence, eating in silence, everything in utter silence. All he would want was to hear someone talk or laugh. He wanted someone to look at him, someone to make contact with. That was why he liked these meetings, he could see everyone talk and laugh, even arguments were good. People talked to him, they made contact with him, and he loved it.
But Canada....
Canada had always looked Russia in the eyes when he talked, he never once turned away. He always listened to Russia, in return Russia often did the same. He touched him, held his hand, kissed him, hugged him, he always felt loved with Canada. He would of never thought about it until now....
"Matvey. What about you? You surely have a dream if I do."
"Huh? Y-Yeah I do." Canada said. "I guess it's....To be remembered."
The picture in his mind came into play. He could just imagine Canada so small, by himself. He could imagine France and England mocking each other, little America trying to break them up in which they eventually did, all while Canada set off to the side. He could imagine England tucking in America to get him to sleep, then Canada laying in a different bed falling asleep by himself. He thought of how America would forget about Canada right in front of him, how Cuba would mix up him for America, how England would forget he even existence, how France had even forgotten him. He was always alone... Kumajirou was always with him, but he was mentally alone... just like Russia...
"I'm an idiot..." Russia said to himself. By the time he figured it all out, Prussia had left and he was alone. Canada tried to talk to Prussia cause he didn't want to be in silence, that was the worse part of loneness. Canada wanted to be with Prussia because he couldn't take being alone. It was so much more and Canada would never admit it. The time it took for Russia to figure this out amazed him, why didn't he ever see it before? He growled a bit and rubbed his head. "God damn it..."
OOO
Russia walked into the unknown hotel, he wanted to thank America for giving him where Canada was staying, even though he had tricked him. He made his way up to the room. He looked for the door number and listened in for a moment to make sure Canada was actually in there, he heard the bear's claws across the floor. He gulped then knocked on the door, hearing Canada asking who was there made Russia feel a bit happy just to hear his voice but he froze, surely if he said it was himself Canada wouldn't answer. "R-Roomo Servico." He said with the worst attempt at a Spanish accent... and translations.
"I didn't order anything." He heard Canada call.
"Roomo servico." Russia repeated, maybe if he just kept repeating it Canada would answer.
"I said I didn't order anything, no servico!"
"Roomo servico!" Russia could hear Canada coming to the door and it swung open with the Canadian a bit angry at the door.
"Yeah. You. I knew it was you." Canada glared a bit. "Go away." Russia put his foot into the door so he couldn't close it. "Stop, I'm trying to sleep."
"Liar." Russia pouted. "Can I come in? Please?" Canada looked at him and let him in, though he felt as if he regretted it. Russia came in and closed the door behind as Canada tried heading back to his bed. "I'm really sorry Matthew."
"If you were so sorry you wouldn't of done it." Canada looked toward the little bear on the couch laying there trying to watch Spanish TV. Russia frowned a bit and tried grabbing onto Canada's hand but he pulled it away.
"I lost my temper when I shouldn't of. I haven't been sleeping, my nightmares keep taking over, and I just lose it. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Russia turned Canada around to him. "Please, I'm sorry. I can't lose you. I won't. I didn't mean to hurt him or you, I'm just so sorry..." Russia couldn't seem to stop apologizing. "Canada?..."
"Fine." Canada gulped, he was at his end.
"But Kumajirou wasn't the only problem, da?"
"W-What?"
Russia grabbed onto his hands. "Matthew, I'm sorry. I understand the thought of losing Kumajirou terrifies you. It means you would lose your best friend and then you would be alone again."
"W-What are you..."
"Matthew, you're not alone." Russia said. "Because I'm not going to leave you alone. Do you understand that?" Canada looked at him in a shocked face. His chin was trembling a bit, his pout came out, and his eyes began to tear. "I won't leave you alone." Canada looked at Russia in a sense of relief and hugged onto him, he couldn't hold it anymore and he began to cry. Russia held onto him tightly as Canada's grip got a hold of the back of his jacket. He kept crying, he wouldn't stop. Russia had got it to the source, he understood just as Canada understood him. "You won't be alone..."
OOOOOOOO
And yes, it's fluffy RusCan. Leave me be, I like the fluffy :3
And I'm sorry for the past PruCan, I honestly HATE the pairing. (I'm writing a anti PruCan later to go along with this, there's so much more in my head that you don't know |D ) just.... Meh I hate it .