Chapter seven
As soon as the train left the station, my body felt so heavy against the cotton covered seat. The tears fell silently onto my hoodie while my breath seemed to echo against the clear window. Each hiccup, drawing out a puff of air from my lungs creating the cinematic looking smoke upon the window.
I didn't understand any of this. One weekend, one miniscule of pleasure and I feel so incredibly alone now that he's gone. I felt my mobile buzz as I pulled it from my pocket – Matthew had texted me already.
From: Matthew
It was a fun weekend, Katherine. I miss you already. x
I smiled as I read the message, holding the phone closely to my chest. The tears slowly faded as the minutes ticked by – already ten minutes away from my next destination. I replied quickly.
To: Matthew
I enjoyed it. A lot. I miss you too.
I decided then, to be bold as I added to the message before hitting send.
Hopefully, we can do it again? Next weekend? x
My heart pounded. Both with fear and excitement. I couldn't wait for the reply as I rolled a cigarette, grabbing my belongings and walking out of the station – not needing the ticket in the end. The cool air hit my face first as I paused, soaking in the change of weather. I felt like a new woman, minus the virginity. I was still confused about our relationship status – my insecurities presenting themselves as I doubted Matthew would want me when better came along.
My phone buzzed once again, alerting myself of the message I had been waiting for.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckkkkk. I'm so nervous!
His reply was short and sweet. A thoughtful, however, unnamed effort. -
From: Matthew
Sure.
The rest of the journey quickly passed as I hopped off the bus – once again overcrowded with school children and the elderly with nowhere to sit due to the children running riot with untaught mannerisms. I rolled my eyes at them countless times, the new generation of females quickly becoming more powerful and spiteful than any past generations would have expected. You just had to look different and you would be eaten alive. I was grateful for my earphones, no music played but no one spoke to me – I was invisible again. I enjoyed it, to a certain degree.
As I walked, my local church in view, I decided to take a quick detour. A grave side, belonging to a six-year-old child that I had never met, somehow had me growing more attached as I kneeled beside him. I felt peace every time I glanced at where he lay, a few years beforehand – on a drunken night running from the police - I know, wrong people, wrong attachments, silly trust - I hid here. Since then, he crosses my mind every now and again. His name was Blake, an accident where he had drowned on the coast. I sighed as I stood.
Within minutes I arrived home – this first noticeable clue of my mother being present was the Jack Russell cross barking loudly along with the male voice of her older partner – a man that acted loyal, when in truth he was what I would call a 'sleaze-bag.' Unlocking the door, the smell of smoke hit like a truck, my hand reacting quickly as it attempted to wave some of it away.
"Oh, you're back Katherine? How was it?" My mother, Madeline, asked. Her and I being the complete opposite. Bleached long hair, petite frame with wide hips – she was so lucky. No matter how much she ate, the woman never gained weight. She was small. Around 4 ft tall.
"Hey, yeah I'm back. It was good. Matthew was really nice." I smiled, readjusting my rucksack as the dog – Co, jumped on my legs. She was smelly as well, a little blind and temperamental but she could be nice at times.
"That's good. You want dinner? We're having potatoes, steak and chips." I nodded, honestly hating the thought of having potatoes and steak. We had potatoes every night – they became horrid after a while and I just didn't really enjoy meat. Placing my bag on the leather sofa I headed to the wooden table where her partner sat.
"Nick." I greeted him as he did me. Another dog came running in then – his dog, that is. She was a sweet Rottweiler, little Mist. Smelly, but she loved cuddles as I scratched behind her ear. The table felt awkward as we sat. Both mother and Nick smoked while I ate – asking questions about the weekend.
"So, did ya shag him then?" Nick asked. At home, I felt like I had to act a certain way so as to not be different as I allowed my London accent to drift in.
"Yeah, I did. He had a massive one too." - I felt repulsed at how I spoke at that moment. I despised this way of speaking, however my family, as much as I adore them, like to make fun out of the 'different' people. Different being posh, gay, ethnic groups etc.
"That's disgusting. I hope you used protection." Mother dearest said with a laugh, patting the oversized man's shoulder next to her lovingly. "Of course. I don't want kids, thanks." As I finished dinner, I excused myself and threw away the rest – not forgetting to give the steak to both dogs. As I was about to leave my mother told me to sit back down – asking to roll both of us a cigarette. "You just had one, didn't you?" I asked, slightly concerned with how much she smoked. "Yeah, but that was like ages ago." I nodded, rolling her one. "More like five minutes ago. What did you need anyway? I got shit to do." I replied, without spite – this was just how we all spoke. "To talk to you. I want to know how it went with... Matthew?" I nodded.
"Tell me what happened." I really didn't want to. I knew as soon as one had information; the other family members would know too.
"Nothing much. Just spoke, had a few drinks and that was it." "Oh, he drinks?" She asked – my father, being an alcoholic – was, I forget he's dead. "Yeah, but not much. Like, a couple." If she knew how much he drank, she'd moan. While we spoke, Nick washed up – adding his five pence every few sentences. I looked to my mother, nodding towards Nick as I mouthed to her 'Has he gone back to her yet?' She waved, understanding the question yet refusing to answer. I take that as a yes. I shook my head. Nick had a habit of cheating, specifically with his ex-girlfriend. He had an affair with my mother behind the now ex-girlfriends back – I warned mother, if he could do it to the ex, what's to stop him doing it to her?
She ignored the warnings for a chance at fake, tainted love. Nick treated women like a game, however each game he played, they all came back begging for more of him. I couldn't see why; he was an overweight dreadfully spoken person with a bad attitude. Sure, he did have nice moments every once in a while, - but that didn't change his cheating ways.
Rolling my eyes once more, I removed myself from the table and headed upstairs to my room. The wooden door with a missing panel creaked loudly as I entered – the weight of stress from this house hit my shoulders so suddenly I hunched over, throwing myself onto the double bed. I hated this house, badly. It felt like every time I came back, the horrors of a child's nightmare came alive again.
My mobile chimed, echoing through the room and my thoughts. I looked at the screen.
From: Matthew
I just got back, are you home? I'm going to bed sweetie, I miss you. Night. x
My breath hitched with excitement.
To: Matthew
I'm home, I miss you too. Nanight. x
Within a weekend I had lost my virginity to a God, hopefully found love, went clubbing and completely went out of my comfort zone! I felt so proud of myself, I didn't expect it to be honest. Part of me – the depressed part anyhow, slightly hoped I didn't make it back.