Guilt struck you. The hero has his weakness, like everybody else.
The strongest bears it all.
The strongest can never be honest.
Because if Levi did, it wouldn't be called honesty; it would be called complaining.
And you knew the strongest must never complain.
***
The further your feet took you away from Levi's office, the more uncertain you were about leaving him.
But if you stayed, what comfort could you give?
How would you help someone if they're not asking for help?
And most importantly, how do you help someone stronger than you?
You found yourself staring at a vacant darkness. Fingers fiddling over your drawstrings, your mind was too foggy to think of the more important, more urgent things.
And yet, it worked perfectly when reminiscing about his office's vacant walls, and the erratic breathing of the man telling you to get out.
You wished you did the moment Levi told you to.
And for all it's worth, you didn't know. Nothing in the book told you that the strongest soldier is a different person behind closed doors— I mean, I could've seen that cliché but...
Rational Phoebe: But...?
"Maybe I'm just clueless...?" You muttered to yourself. You didn't know what to make out of what you just saw. You were slow to process what it was or maybe you didn't want to acknowledge the feeling that came with it. Bombs of thoughts relentlessly nuked your head they didn't want to stop.
And you should hate it, accommodating more room for Levi in your head when there are better things you should be thinking about.
With what light the candle burnt for your sake, your visions relished on tracing the lines of your hands where Levi once carefully dressed for you.
He may be rude and bossy but... he wasn't so bad, was he?
"But he lied to me." Your voice withered, just like your resolve.
"No— he broke his engagement just when I'm starting to get close to her ex-fianceé and he's perfectly okay using me as scapegoat. He... he—" A breath caught in your throat, your mind frantically looking for more excuses to justify that he deserved all accusations you threw at him;
And those accusations only needed a few reasons to outweigh them all.
"He's perfectly okay to let soldiers die outside to achieve what Erwin wants— he's selfish, he's entitled just because he's strong yet he has no sense of self, he's a closet liar—"
Optimistic Phoebe: But he's kind to patch you up, boil water for drinks and clean your wounds, always restocks the medicine box for you, and he helped you when you couldn't beat the deadline of the gears, yes?
"So what? Pour me some hot water and suddenly I'm in lov— whoa." You were just in time to catch yourself. You chuckled, stomping the question to oblivion because you didn't like the first answer that almost escaped your lips. Hold on, what were you about to say, huh? Love ? Where did that come from? Crush maybe, but LOVE? Are you that cheap and desperately in need of someone to warm your bed so you settle on the first person to do nice things for you? And say, hypothetically that you did fall in love, you think an outsider like you has the time for the fancy stuff and eventually hurt someone once you find a way to leave?
And what if he doesn't reciprocate? Feelings can be misinterpreted for a lot of things like lust or loneliness. Or maybe he pities you? Unlikely. He's the last person you'll think of getting close to someone because he feels sorry about your situation.
Or maybe because you're the fresh meat and he's never seen an alien up close. Once the shine fades, you'll be nothing but another soldier for him.
Besides, if you stay here, you'll be leaving your entire life— your world, your family... Arianne behind. Are you ready for that commitment?
Of course not. You will never make that much sacrifice for some man just because he's restocking the medicine box.
That would be the stupidest decision you will never make.
It's selfish for your family and Arianne.
And a total crush to your self-respect.
"I was just surprised," You repeatedly muttered to yourself. That's probably it. You chuckled, refocusing your sights on the now absolute darkness. The earthy, almost fishy scent of the burnt out candles lingered in your nostrils when you found a sensible reason why Levi of tonight was branded in your memory.
"I didn't expect him to have another side, that's all. I was just surprised. It's the thrill of discovering something new. Learning new things is thrilling right? That's why he made an impression. There's no way I'm overthinking about him—"
"Overthinking who? You busy?" Soft light was gently reintroduced in your eyes, Miche's tall figure greeted you in the doorless door frame. His height alone was enough to intimidate you if he didn't wear a forced smile. The iridescent burnt marks of his blade holders reflected against the lamplight as they noisily clanked in the side of his thighs.
"Sir Miche," You tried to stand from the stall you were seated and thank goodness for Miche catching you just in time before you twisted another ankle. His palm cupped your elbow, his rough calluses pressed against your skin.
You could smell the cold night air he brought with him when he was this close. Hmm, the man had been busy.
"Careful sweetheart, we don't want you more broken than you're now." He sat you right up, making you uncomfortable with his bear-like hands on your ribs.
"I thought that since you're not in the ward or in your barracks, you'd be here."
You didn't respond right away. You have to focus. Someone's life— a family's life that's just about to start is at stake because of your untimely self-reflection.
"You okay?" Miche ask.
The lamp he brought was enough to cast light on the table, illuminating the laid out blueprints that busied your crowded plane.
"I'm—" You paused and sighed, mentally looking for a better word than 'fine'. "I'm doing better, is there anything I can do for you sir?"
"Yes."
"Please—"
"I'll be direct. Why was Nanaba with you in the forest, and why didn't you want her out of the cell?" Well, he wasn't kidding with the directness.
You blinked. A lot. Your eyes wandered around the room. You looked anywhere but his direction. You looked like a liar looking for excuses.
"Sir, have you asked ma'am Nanaba—"
"No time to meet her. The questions, Johnson."
"S-Sir, I'm not in the position to answer..."
"But why didn't you want her out? Look at me and answer the damn question, Johnson." His patience was turning to a controlled growl.
You froze. Breathing would've worked to gather your thoughts but your body wasn't in your command.
For now, it was his and the fear he induced.
"I don't have Nanaba's permission to say, sir."
He breathed deeply, his thumb scratched between his eyebrows as if it was his personal defense mechanism to contain his anger. There was this air of uneasiness suspended in the room, and eventually, the soft thuds of his boots under the wooden floor sounded sharp when he got closer. It made you hitch a breath.
Your instinct screamed that you have to get away.
But you were too late. His looming, menacing figure tapped to your instinct, and you caught yourself limping for the door. His hand was just in time to grab you, his fingers digging in your titan-bitten arm, making you contort and fall over your steep seat.
And even so, Miche's grip followed your fall, so that even on the floor, his fingers punctured your wounds, letting them bleed again underneath the bandage, reopening the stitches; the thread ripped and tore where the needle once poked your skin.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Sir please! You don't have to do this!" He only pressed harder, your legs flailing on the floor, trying to get away.
You noticed the popped veins in Miche's temple, his eagle-like nose flared like a bull's. Before, you've always had this notion that Miche was calm and gentlemanly; confident about his strength, letting it speak louder than his carefree attitude...
But somehow, you forgot that it takes violence to be that calm.
You remembered how he threatened your former employer. You would have laughed if you weren't in pain, but what made you think being a fragile, injured woman in this world would excuse you from being the cause of his anger?
Miche is not calm by nature, he chooses to be calm.
And like a storm, it just so happens that you were in his way.
"Whatever she's not telling you, it's personal— OW!" You repeatedly slapped his arm, but never did he budge.
"It's not the legion's concern!"
"Speak now sweetheart. I could rip your arm if I have to."
"I'm not an enemy! I'm not up to something! She— " You screamed, your other hand now struggled to remove his killing ones. Your soft, nailless fingers dug in the hard muscles of his forearms.
Despite the pain, you endured to think. If you wanted to save Miche's life from the beast titan, you need to know where he's going to be stationed. But since Levi didn't want you in the operation, you don't have a good reason to know the specifics without looking suspicious...
This is for Nanaba. You cannot hold back to someone who has been good to you.
Miche pressed harder, and you swore you heard your arm crack.
"OW! MICHE—"
"You're not acting as innocent as you'd like to look—"
"Alrigh— I'll tell you! I'll tell you! Just lemme go!" You had to let him press your wound just so you could get a hold of your crutch...
And you hit him wherever it hit him.
Miche yelped, and you crawled to get away the very second he let you go. You used the crutch to prop yourself up, taking your stance in the corner of your workshop. You coddled your arm while the other pointed your crutch for 'defense', even when you uncontrollably shook.
Miche wiped the back of his head.
"A question for a question." You struggled to say while your voice trembled. "Now I'm asking them."
"You're not in any position—"
"I'll tell Nanaba you hurt me and I swear to you, she wouldn't like it."
"You're running away, what am I supposed to do?"
"You think I'd outrun you?!" You waved your crutch in front of his face. "Fucking think!"
"I grabbed the first thing I could."
"And you pressed harder!"
"Because you were flailing."
"You said you'd rip my arm!"
"I'm sorry." Miche cleared his throat. "I... got carried away."
"But that does not justify that you make me your fucking punching bag everytime you get suspicious!"
"I just—" He paused to find the right words, "I just can't think of any reason why she would suddenly go out of her way to defy an order and jeopardize the mission."
You didn't respond to his musings.
"It's so unlike her."
Silence played in the space between the both of you. You and your crutch were ready in case he suddenly went rabid again.
But not long after, he dragged a stool from the far corner, took a seat and audibly sighed.
"It feels like.." Miche slowly spoke, his eyes downcasted on the dimmed wooden floor, his slumped shoulders telling you that he was at the end of his wits.
At least for the girl he loves. You couldn't help but smile at that thought. You still hated what he fucking did. He better love Nanaba and their future brats with everything he has.
"It feels like she's hiding something from me."
"I'll tell you, but me first." You sat on the floor, your back against the hip-tall shelves, "I just have one question."
Miche looked at you in response.
"You have to tell me where you'll be in this operation."
***