Gerard's POV (Age 14)
Standing in the doorway of Matt's house, – which was several times bigger than mine – I waved at my Mom as she walked down the road to where my Dad was in the car. For me this was a big deal, sure I was fourteen and everyone else had had sleepovers before, but I hadn't and I couldn't wait, my first night without my parents, staying with my best friend, what could go wrong? Little did I know of course that, 'what could go wrong?' was without a doubt the worst thing I could have thought, it was the worst thing you could ever think without knocking on wood first. I was hoping to have a wonderful time, my first sleepover, my best friend and we had the house alone until eleven, we could play our music and our games as loud as we wanted.
For best friends, Matt and I were unbelievably close, we were like brothers, only our relationship was so different to mine with Mikey; we were best friends but better. Sometimes I wondered if maybe, as we were both as gay as gay could be and absolute best friends, maybe we were really like a relationship. We probably were in many ways, we knew each other so well, we spent all our time together, we even held hands sometimes, but it felt weird to take it any further than that, because sometimes I saw other people too. It got really intense too though sometimes, because it felt so awkward, sometimes he would seem like he was trying to kiss me, I felt like he really wanted it and I felt so bad to let him down, like I was the one stopping this from being a relationship. But we had been friends for so long, I didn't want to lose that, we were only fourteen.
Virtually as soon as my parents had gone and Matt and I had taken my bag to his room, his Mom called him downstairs, "We're going to go now boys." She smiled at us glancing up at the clock on the wall, before kissing Matt's forehead, which he had always hated but I thought was really cute, "It's almost eight so don't go out, we'll see you boys later." She smiled ushering Matt's Dad out of the door as she waved goodbye to us sat at the bottom of the stairs. My parents didn't leave me alone very often, but that was because they didn't like leaving me alone and Mikey hated being left with just me. Being without parents was really cool to me, I knew Matt's parents left him a lot, but my parents never left especially when I had friends around.
"So Gee, I had an idea." Matt grinned naughtily grabbing my hand, pulling me onto my feet and running up the stairs with me behind him. Matt always had ideas and they got him into trouble a lot too, I found them amusing most of the time, but sometimes he said he was going to do stupid stuff, like drugs just because others did, that wasn't so cool. Maybe his problem was that he didn't want to be cool, but at the same time he did. He'd say he didn't want to be cool, he didn't want to be with the 'cool kids' but he wanted to be seen as a rebellious outcast, he wanted to be the kid who is really cool, but chooses not to be in with everyone else. That wasn't the same for me, I just valued the friends I had and kept them close to me, because life is better with people by your side, drama is a waste of time. Then again, a lot of people told me I thought far too much and I was a little too philosophical for a fourteen year-old.
"Okay sure." I nodded sitting on the bed by his side and taking off my jumper, his room was unbelievably hot, "I'll do whatever you want." I smiled watching as his smile widened into a happier and relieved smile. Most of the time my view was that you can't say no until you've tried it; you can't dislike something until you've given it a shot. Matt knew what sort of things I would and wouldn't do, he knew I would never do drugs, that it would take him hours to convince me to smoke or drink and he knew I'd do anything which wasn't stupid, I trusted him not to push my boundaries.
Playing games stuff like truth or dare and being dared go out when his Mom told us not to and doing stupid or 'inappropriate' things were fine, I didn't mind but it was only the really over aged stuff. If he asked me to sneak into a strip club of course I would, if he asked me to go to the bar and get a drunk man to buy me a drink, then that's when I would turn around and say no and I was sure he knew my limits. We had been friends long enough, we were close enough to know what we each wouldn't do, I sure as hell knew everything he would do a.k.a everything and what he wouldn't a.k.a anything sensible. That was how our friendship was, he was stupid and reckless, I was like the aunt who pissed about and had fun until it got too pathetic, then decided it was time to stop. Some would say I was sensible, I wouldn't go that far, I was just a killjoy for the really stupid stuff. Matt on the other hand, he would do anything, you asked him to jerk off in public and he would, you told him to sit in a tree and spit on people who walked by, you could bet your ass he would do it.
"We've been friends for so long, haven't we Gee." He smiled, turning to me and taking off his shirt, I wasn't expecting that that was for sure, it was warm yes, but I certainly wasn't that warm.
"Y-yes." I mumbled nodding and looking down at his batman bed cover between my crossed legs, I was suddenly feeling rather awkward. When he said he had an idea, I was expecting X-Box, stupid games, pissing off the neighbours or him trying to make us watch porn again and see if we could watch a woman for longer without feeling ill. What I wasn't expecting was for him to take off his shirt and start a conversation about our friendship, it was weird.
"You ever thought maybe we're better than friends?" He asked taking my hand from my lap and holding it, making my eyes slowly lift to his face rather than his bed and stare at him awkwardly, just shrugging. "I think we are." I smiled really uncomfortably, nodding slowly, I didn't agree with a word he was saying but I didn't have the words to speak, actually I just wanted to leave because I was really uncomfortable. "Friends do things for each other right?" He asked letting go of my hand and sitting next to me normally, making me a lot more comfortable.
"R-right." I nodded, smiling weakly at him as I let my eyes immediately fall back down to the bed covers, trying hard to not look at Matt or what he was doing.
"So you'd do things for me?" He asked to which I nodded hard, of course I was his best friend. Without another word he crashed his lips into mine, kissing me roughly and pushing me down against the bed, I had absolutely no reaction, I just froze staring right at him in absolute shock, my hands not moving, my mouth still and me certainly not kissing him back. If him holding my hand made me feel a little awkward and kind of want to go home, then this made me incredibly uncomfortable and want to go home and tell him I didn't want us to have a sleepover again. One thing was for sure, I now longer wanted to be in a house with him alone, because I didn't want to kiss him, but I was weak and awkward and I didn't want to tell him no, not when he wanted to kiss me.
"I want to have sex." He said quietly staring into my eyes hopefully and with a loving look, is lip tucked in a little as he bit it and his face questioning and a little scared. Honestly I had no idea what he was scared of, he was intimidating as hell and he knew it, he had nothing to be scared of, I on the other hand, was petrified and I'm sure nobody would blame me really. I could speak and I couldn't move when he kissed me, I was motionless and I was speechless, now I was just plain scared, I could even open my mouth, I certainly couldn't shake my head or push him off me, all I had to do was say no. "Gee?"
~ I'm going to insert the trigger warning here, it's sexual and uh well I'm sorry for spoilers but I don't know how to warn without ruining so I guess it's triggering to anyone who has experienced or is effected by sexual abuse, I will notify when the scene is over. :] ~
"I-I n- well, i-it's-" I mumbled stuttering on every word, my eyes just glued to his, the passion and affection, the hope and the fear, it was like it really meant everything to him for me to say yes. "N-not a g-good idea, i-it's just b-because..."
"Come on Gee, have some fun, it's just so we're not virgins." He winked, "Let's just get it over with." He smirked, ignoring and disregarding everything I had said and pressing his lips roughly into mine again, his tongue trying to make its way into my mouth and his hands up my shirt. I wasn't physically let alone mentally strong enough to push him off me or stop him, so both of our pants were off and his tongue was in my mouth in only a minute or two.
Only when he stopped kissing me to take my shirt off could I speak, but I'm sure he didn't listen to me, or care what I said. "I-I don't think I want to, p-please Matt." I whispered staring into his eyes pleadingly, doing everything I could to fight the tears as he just smile a caressed my cheek.
"You're scared," He smiled softly, "I promise it's okay, you'll lose your virginity one day, let's just get it over now." He smiled, kissing me much softer and more affectionately, I tried to shake my head and stop him kissing me, but it didn't work he kissed me anyway, his hands running down into my boxers, his hands touching my very flaccid penis. Honestly I didn't know if he listened to anything I said about not wanting sex, but surely the fact that I was the polar opposite of being aroused should have hinted him towards the fact that I just didn't want to have sex. That didn't cross his mind however; I was naïve to think it would really.
He began to attempt to jerk me off, rubbing my not even slightly hard dick and trying to make it hard, which did eventually begin to make it hard, but it also made me feel sick. "Please Matt, I-I really d-don't want to." I whispered weakly, my voice was barely audible and it was so clear how hurt and scared I was, but he just hushed me and smiled kissing me gently as he removed my boxers before his.
The further into it we got, the more I shook my head and tried to stop him, but I was weak and I was scared and honestly I feared saying no as much as I feared the sex itself. Every time I said it loud enough for him to hear, he just looked at me sadly and told me he cared about me and it was okay and kissed me to keep me quiet. When he actually pressed his hard cock into me, I began to cry, it was one thing to have him touch me, to have him kiss me, but when he really was having sex with me that was one thing I could never forget. The moment he pressed himself into me was one thing I would never ever forget, maybe when I touched myself enough I could forget him, when I kissed more people, one day somebody would taste better and feel better than him and I'd forget. However sex, that was never going to be the same again and never could I ever feel normal again or clean, because I wasn't anymore, I was dirty so dirty, I felt so dirty. It wasn't dirty to have sex, but it felt dirty to be having with sex with someone through fear, when I didn't even want to.
He didn't seem to care that I didn't want it, but he cared I was crying, he cared I wasn't happy, he didn't want me to cry but he seemed so adamant it would be okay. The tears rolling down my face he just kept trying to wipe away, whispering to me that I wouldn't regret it and that it would all be fine, before kissing me affectionately and continuing to thrust into me. Maybe he didn't realise why I was crying, in fact he didn't, he couldn't know why I was crying, he could think he did, tell himself he did but he didn't. I was crying, not only because I didn't want it, really didn't want it, not only because I was scared, not only because our relationship was ruined as was my sex life, but also because it hurt, it really hurt. It was horrible, like a burning sensation in my ass, like having constipation but worse, because his dick was much wider than me and I couldn't feel a shred of enjoyment from it. The worst part of it all was that he clearly felt so good from it, I could see in his face how much pleasure he got from it, but it just hurt me.
~ I think this is probably okay now, I'm sorry if this does trigger anyone I really am, please please talk to me, if you feel bad I would rather you talk to me than let this or anything at all affect you, I love you all :] ~
When he was finally finished, he let me go, stopped kissing me and sat up, letting me just curl up into a ball on his bed, crying and feeling so weak and hurt. My trust for anything and anyone was gone, Matt was my best friend and he didn't listened to me every time I said I didn't want it and he didn't care that I hated it, why would I trust anyone after that? I just wanted to be sick, I wanted to run away and die, I felt so dirty, so sick, so worthless and so weak, because if I meant enough to him he wouldn't do it, if I was strong I would have stopped him and if I was clean I wouldn't have been raped. Once he had dressed himself, he put my clothes next to me and in a matter of seconds I was rapidly pulling my clothes on refusing to let him touch me, or let myself make eye contact with him. The tears were still running down my face, I could stop them, I wanted to cry, I was in pain, I felt so ill so stupid, so pathetic and that meant tears.
"Gee, why are you crying?" Matt asked, his face sad and confused a little scared too, maybe he knew he was to blame, maybe he would realise what he had done, because that had changed my life forever. He tried to wipe my tears and hug me, but I shook my head, my bottom lip shaking as I weaved out of his way, pulling on my hoodie and walking out of his room.
"I-I'm not feeling well." I mumbled, knowing he wouldn't hear me, which gave me another chance, a chance to stand up for myself to be honest and to tell him what he had done was wrong, because sue I felt sick, but that wasn't why I was leaving. No I was leaving because I could stand to spend time with him and I was scared to spend time with him.
"Gee are you-"
"I don't want to be your friend Matt." I said loudly, but refusing to look at him, just running as soon as his hand brushed against mine, running along the hallways, down the stairs and straight out of the front door, slamming it behind me and running faster than I had ever run before. I wasn't a running person, but my legs moved as fast as they possibly could to carry me away from Matt and his house, because one person I could never ever look at the same again was him, nothing he said could change that. My legs may have run fast to get me away, but that wasn't to say I knew where I was going to go home and that certainly didn't get me very far, because I was soon very tired.
In fact the last place I was going to go was home, I didn't want the questions which would go with turning up on my doorstep, with tears stained cheeks and an empty feeling, just a want to die left in me. I ended up in West Hudson Park, just letting myself fall to the floor and lie on the grass, crying silently but surely and staring up at the stars. There are so many stars in the sky, I don't know why they always seem to fall on me, it was like I had to take everything, all the pain all the pressure and nobody else did. I knew that was wrong, other people had pressures and pains, but sometimes it really felt like it was the worst on me, especially when I just lost the only friend I had and all trust I had for anyone. I had no trust left in humanity. I had one friend, only one friend and he raped me, I had all of my trust in him, all of my secrets and I couldn't even trust him to listen to me when I said no, when I said stop. There was nothing left, I didn't want people, I didn't trust people anymore and I certainly couldn't face him or anyone from school again.
The last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone I knew, or anyone at all, but I certainly didn't want my family or Matt turning up. I guess it was a good thing I never really came here and it was the opposite way from my house, who would come here to find me? I didn't want to have to explain this to anyone, I didn't want to face Matt and I didn't want to let anyone know I was weak enough to let someone hurt me like this or make me cry. Not only did I not trust anyone but I didn't like anyone, not anymore. People did these things, I wasn't going to let myself get hurt again, if I liked people and trusted people then I would get hurt again, emotionally, mentally and physically, one time was enough for me. I wasn't risking myself again.
With tears still running down my cheeks, I just stared up at the cloudless sky, the stars fascinated me, I liked them anyway, but they seemed to be the only things I could see the same now. But apparently I wasn't alone in the park, I maybe should have looked around before I just lay down in such a public place, but someone else seemed to be star gazing too, or at least they were now. That would have been okay, had they not decided to start talking to me, as long as they didn't ask my name or worse be from my school, it would be okay. The person said nothing for a moment, they sat right by my side, lying down next to me, their feet a few inches higher than mine and their head right by mine. "You're crying." They whispered, their voice making it easy for me to clarify they were in fact a boy, not really changing the fact I didn't want to be around people, but I didn't seem to have a choice. "Are you okay?" He asked quietly and empathetically, his head turning to face me as another tear down my cheek, even though I was trying much harder to stop them now.
"I'll be fine." I mumbled quietly, I wasn't planning on telling a random boy in the park what was going on, I wouldn't tell him even if I knew him, I wasn't even sure if I would tell my Grandmother, I certainly wasn't telling him.
"I hope so." He whispered again, wiping my tear away, before slipping his hand into mine, "We both know you're not okay, but you don't have to tell me." He added, his head looking back up at the stars again, "Just be strong and hold my hand, I can't tell you it will be alright, because I might not be telling the truth, but I can lie with you and I can tell you I want to help." He sighed softly squeezing my hand softly, "You don't have to let me help, but if you need it I will." I didn't reply to him, he seemed nice but as much as I tried, as much as I told myself he could be right, I just couldn't trust him. With my life ripped like it had been and my trust so lost I wasn't sure I would ever find it again, I couldn't find it in me to tell him wanted help or that I would tell him because I couldn't trust him, how could I? "Do you like the stars?" He asked after several minutes of silence, because I had nothing to say to him and I didn't really want him to leave nor did I want to leave myself, but I didn't know how to make conversation.
"I like the constellations." I whispered, turning to face him and freezing when my eyes met his, both of us falling into silence, for a boy he was incredibly pretty, I didn't even know how old he was, probably like eight, but he was still beautiful. His hair was long, very long and brown, flopping over his face and a little curly, only a little but not straight, his eyes were a sort of olive green, maybe not the most stunning colour but certainly different and pretty. Maybe if I had met him before that night I might even have been his friend, but I wasn't going to let his looks hurt me, because Matt was hot too and he hurt me, this boy wasn't hurting me because I wouldn't let him.
"You do?" He whispered to which I just nodded, looking away from him again and up to the stars again.
"I think it's cool that somebody was so imaginative and creative to come up with pictures in the sky." I shrugged, it was impressive that somebody sat and looked at the stars enough to connect the dots to make such images the way they could see people and animals in little dots. "You know the constellations?" I asked him, turning to see him looking carefully up at them, watching as he slowly shook his head and moved his mouth to say a silent 'no'. "Well," I mumbled, shuffling closer to him and pointing up towards Orion, "That's called Orion." He leaned towards me, looking directly up my arm to try to locate the stars I was pointing at. "Do you see the three really really close together?" I asked and he nodded pointing to where I was to double check, "Yeah," I nodded, "Well that's Orion's belt and if you go up from the furthest on the right, you get his shoulder, then directly right from that there are five in a curved shape?" I asked to see if he could see what I was talking about.
"Yeah, yeah it's a man holding a bow?" He asked smiling widely as he turned to face me a proud smile on his face; I nodded smiling back at him, "What are stars?" He asked looking back up again and smiling softly letting me hold his hand again, making me feel strangely more comfortable.
"Stars? Well the stars we see are actually long gone died billions or years ago." I whispered, seeing him look at me in disbelief and shaking his head, "Seriously, they are billions of light years away, when they die they burn up and make light because of the gases and so the light we see today is actually the stars dying and burning out millions and billions of years ago." I informed him, seeing the confusion and bewilderment on his face, he probably didn't understand, I wouldn't blame him really, he didn't look any older than twelve, my brother didn't understand and he was twelve.
"Oh, uh okay." He chuckled pretending he understood, but I don't think he did, that didn't matter though, not when he changed the subject a little. "Which is your favourite constellation? Your star sign?"
"No, I like Gemini, the thought of holding hands with someone, having someone by your side and supporting you, it's a nice idea, would be if you could trust people." I sighed, it was a sad thought actually, a sad thought that my hopes of that one day being me with someone I loved was ruined, torn from me because I could trust a soul.
***
Frank's POV (Back in the park again from last chapter)
"Or the big dipper, because I'd like to pretend it will scoop me up and take me away forever." I whispered a tear in my eye as I said it at exactly the same time as Gerard, because I remembered it, I remembered almost every moment of that conversation that bit particularly. Because after that, the boy who I didn't know, who had been crying in the park and who had shown me the constellations, he just let more tears fall from his eye and he got up and went. But back then I had no idea I would meet him again, I had no idea who he was and worst of all I had no idea what had just happened to him, because not surprisingly he had never told me. "T-The constellation boy was you." I whispered staring into his eyes as tears fell from both of our eyes, my hands lifting to wipe his from his cheeks as he lifted his hand to wipe mine for me.
"The constellation boy was me, yes." He nodded, "I know you tried to be my friend after that, you even gave my brother pictures of the constellations for me." He chuckled sadly, digging his hand into his pocket and unfolding three sheets of paper, showing me the drawings on them. Three there were, draw by an eleven year old Frank Iero, Orion, Gemini and The Big Dipper, all of them with my name on the bottom and a little note, telling Gerard I would hold his hand through everything.
"Y-you kept those?" I whispered more tears in my eyes as I was shocked and confused, I wasn't sure whether to love Gerard more or be angry at him, because it really hurt me when I got no reply to those messages.
"I wanted to be your friend." He admitted, "But I never got over what Matt did to me, I was scared it would happen again." He mumbled, his lip quivering as he spoke, tears rolling across his face rapidly and onto the grass beneath us. "I'm so sorry Frankie." He whispered ever so quietly, his eyes opening and looking at me sadly and affectionately.
"Well it hurt a little, but you're my best friend now." I smiled placing my hand upside down on his cheek, it was so weird seeing his face upside down from how we were laying but it didn't matter. "I swear on my life, I will never ever hurt you like that, ever!" I whispered trying everything I could to stop myself from doing what felt so right, but giving up and pressing my lips passionately into his as he leaned towards me. I didn't want to lead him on, or confuse myself more, but I couldn't not, not when really it's what I should have let him know all those years ago; that I was there for him through thick and thin, even if I didn't know his name.
~ A/N Fuck a whale, the next chapter is the last chapter, omg, that is only just setting in. Well there you have it, constellation boy at last, Frank finally put the pieces together and you have Gerard's past. Now I can't not say this, I know I wrote about the rape and I don't know if that was 100% a good idea, but I hope it was, I really really really hope I didn't trigger anyone and if it did omg I won't forgive myself I'm so sorry. Maybe now is a good time to tell you guys how much I honestly do love you and I honestly do care about you and if you do have a problem please get help, or talk to someone. Talk to me, talk to a friend a partner or even online. If you need anyone I will listen I know thewayoftheloser will listen and they're incredible with advice and people honestly care so please don't forget that.
As for media, yeah about that, I wanted to add part three of the blue neighbourhood, but I can't because Troye fucking Sivan is a tease and we don't get that until the 20th of October. But I have had a flashback in these few days of some old shit I used to listen to. Most of it I listened to to try to fit in because it was what everyone listened to and most of it I look back on and go, wtf was I listening to this is shit, however there are a few tracks and albums I don't think that about and one of those is Rihanna's loud album – well there are some shitty tracks but some are good – now I remember my favourite song for nearly a year was California King Bed and damn do I still love that song, so I put it in the media. I hope you enjoy my track of the day, because I can't lie it's a great song, her voice is angelic and the guitar riff near the end is awesome. As for the chapter again, I'm sorry if you think the Matt and G seen was too much and I shouldn't have done it, but otherwise I hope you all enjoyed, thank you for reading, I love you all so much, be happy and kick ass!
xoAnnie :] ~