My drowsiness persisted throughout the remainder of the school day as all I wanted was to return to my bed and fall right back to sleep.
The word tired could not even begin to describe how I felt about the previous weekend. My father worked me flesh and bone until four in the morning, holding me captive to his endless tasks. Once I had finished, all there was left for me to eat was a tiny cube of pineapple he had discarded. I had no choice but to do what I usually had to do when my portions were brutal; I tricked my body into feeling a lot more fuller by compensating for my calorie deficiency with a few glasses of water. The effects don't usually last for awhile, but it was always just enough to suppress any further cravings for the night.
Honestly, the only good thing I remember from this god-forsaken weekend were all the instances I got to spend being around Dydan. There was something so memorable about witnessing the intoxicating dynamic between the gentle brute stuffing his face with my brownies like a maniac and seeing him sleep soundly by his window like a baby.
Regardless of the risk that came with my rummaging through the kitchen and using up all the possible ingredients to make him brownies, as well as ensuring that all the baking sheets and measuring cups were dried and returned to where they exactly were, in case my father would notice a difference and hurt me, it was worth it.
I've never met anybody as kind and caring as Dydan, and although that would surely change, all that mattered to me was that I returned his gesture and showed my gratitude for him even paying attention to somebody as worthless as me.
It was probably mostly due to my delusions, of course. He could have just truly hated the brownies and may have just put up a front to make me feel better. And the thing about the window, he's never done that before so I simply assumed it was because he had been waiting for me to return to my room, when in all honestly, the thought could have just been a stretch and he may just been there out of pure coincidence.
Regardless of the truth, I couldn't help but selfishly choose to settle on the more appealing reasons in order to try and feel at least a small glimmer of joy for once.
I'm pathetic, I know.
"Alright everyone may I please have all your attention for just a moment? I'm passing out the flyers for the upcoming field trip to Cloud Lake next week. Now several classes we'll be heading out there but for our class specifically we're going to be doing lots of drawing, sightseeing, as well as discussing certain techniques regarding on how to draw various plants and animals, so you won't wanna miss it!" My art's teacher began handing out the flyers to every row in class, continuing once everyone had their own copy. "Below is where you'll be needing your parents signature and on the right hand side is where they'll need to check off some boxes to notify the school district for any requirements or any allergies you may have."
"Ma'am?" A girl quickly raised her hand in the corner of the room. "When is the deadline to turn these in?"
"Good question Penny, I was just about to get to that." She warmly smiled. "The deadline is this Friday, but I prefer that you guys turn these in by tomorrow so we can RSVP your spot at the bus and take care of any other requirements given to us by your parents. So now with all that being said I hope to you see all there! Class is dismissed."
I looked at the flyer with a heavy heart, carefully examining every detailed graphic and tempting hue that complimented the words that I wish hadn't brought me so much yearning. All of it was surely enough to make me sad since I knew I wouldn't able to go due to my father. If he ever knew about the trip and how it had something to do with art, he would surely beat me to a pulp. All I could do now was sit and wonder how fun and special it would be to be able to witness and draw all the unique life that was probably thriving over there.
"Leone?" My teacher calls out, snapping me out of my momentary trance as I looked around the empty classroom in shame. "Is everything alright?"
"Y-Yes, sorry Ms. Knox." I hastily gathered up my things. "Have a good rest of your day." I say lowly before shamefully bolting out of her classroom.
School ends, and it doesn't take long for my entire body to tense up at the sight of the three usual boys who loved giving me a hard time. They closely approached me right in the middle of the bustling hallway, eyeing me up and down before walking right past me, their eyes sparked with a mixture of burning hate and disgust for my existence.
"Hi, Limpy!"
"Get the fuck out of our way."
"Nice outfit, fag."
In the midst of them letting out their razor-sharp words, I couldn't help but dart my eyes down, attempting to stay out of their way. Luckily, all I've had to deal with was a forceful shove made against the back of my book bag. The three boys eventually walked away after that, ending up on the other side of the hallway to congregate around a locker.
As I headed towards the school exit, I couldn't help but feel increasingly self-conscious as I noticed whispers and distant laughs beginning to gather around me the further I walked. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me wonder what about myself seemed so unusually funny to people today, but all I wanted to do was go home.
As I walked out of the school gates, my shoulders hunched, and my steps were heavy with the weight of having to endure the fear of what those boys were planning to do to me next. The laughter and the taunts echoed in my mind, replaying like a cruel melody. But then, like a sudden burst of sunlight breaking through storm clouds, I saw him.
There he was, Dydan, standing at the other end of the street, situated around the same spot where he had picked me up last time. My entire surroundings faded into the background as I watched him look around for me amidst all the other wave of students, visibly cold as he blew and rubbed his hands together.
He waited out for me.
He waited out in the freaking cold just for me.
Once his eyes had met mine, and mine had met his, it felt as if the mutual want and need to look at one another with utmost warmth and wariness seemed to have made everything else cease to exist.
It was as if Dydan and I were the only ones in the world.
"Hey sleepyhead." I softly chirped, eagerly crossing the street as the distance between us begged to be closed.
"Sleepyhead?" Dydan looked down at me with a curious brow, causing a single strand of hair to fall right over his eye with effortless charm. "Wait, did you watch me in my sleep last night?" His deep silky voice was dripping in it's usually alluring confidence.
"Wha-no, well kinda-sort of. You slept right in front of my window so I-I couldn't help but see you." He seemed as if he knew how much of stuttering mess I'd become due to his question, teasing me further by squinting his eyes right into mine, rendering my nerves to only grow much worse. "I promise I-I wasn't being weird or anything, I would never try to-"
"I'm just teasing you, Leone." He politely interrupts with a smirk and a light nudge against my shoulder. "What's this?" He quickly asks, using his hands to gently turn me around, pulling a note that had been taped to the back of my book bag without my knowledge.
I couldn't help but look ashamed now that I found out what had likely amused all those people. "What does it say?" I ask faintly, my entire demeanor faltering right before him.
I could tell Dydan was trying to suppress his rapidly growing anger as he momentarily read the contents of the paper. "Don't worry about it." With that, he quickly crumpled the paper into a ball and tossed it aside, proceeding to change the subject. "I tried my hardest to wait up for you last night, you know?"
I tried my best to shake off my curiosity about the message, ultimately deciding that anything involving Dydan mattered more. "You did?" I breathlessly let out as a question, wondering what I had done to deserve such kindness when I deserved nothing.
"Yeah I did, I wish I could've stayed up longer for you but I just ended up passing out. It was my bad-I-I really wanted to write you." He explained with a softer tone. "I'm sorry." He shyly apologized while skimming a hand behind his neck.
"Y-You don't have to apologize, It's not like I expected you to be up at four a.m." I waved off.
"I know, but staying up is usually my thing." Dydan spoke further as began to make our way back home. "I could've even sworn that I had enough energy to wait up for you but then stuff happened and then-" He imitated a cartoonish explosion noise.
"Look I get it, we both just had a very long day, it's fine." I gave him an understanding smile as I looked up at him. "I'm just-I'm just glad I still got to see you, even if you were asleep and all."
Dydan warmly smiled at that. "So for research purposes, on a scale from one to ten, how cute do I look when I'm asleep?"
I couldn't help but chuckle at his humorously cringey delivery. "What kind of question is that?"
"I told you, a research question." He answered before later joining in with my chuckle.
"Really?" I looked at him unimpressed.
"Just answer it!" He jokingly raised his voice up at me.
I playfully side-eyed him before giving in with a response. "Fine." I momentarily closed my eyes and envisioned the sight I had of him last night. "I just-well I just remember you looking all-" My voice grew faint until completely dying down to my recollection.
When I saw him by his window waiting up for me, feeling was suddenly the only thing that mattered. Despite the usually rugged and intimidating undertones that came so naturally with his attractive appearance, I still got to see another side of him due to the gentle moonlight wholly caressing his effervescent face. It brought out the gentleness that seemed to be incapable of ever leaving him. I vividly remember admiring Dydan's dark bushy brows that cradled the top of his long thick eyelashes, his prominent nose, his strong jawline, and his plush lips that had a tint of a dark muted peony, stopping just right below his distinct Cupid's bow.
Even if he lost his battle to last night's slumber, there was still something special in knowing that he cared enough to even do that for me. Now the inner saboteur in my mind could argue that the gesture was nothing special or even worth appreciating, but I knew I had to overpower it since for once I was feeling something entirely different. When I'm living the life that I live where it feels like I'm an incomplete puzzle of an obscure image that may or may not ever be completed, getting to know Dydan felt like that one impactful piece that suddenly gave me an idea of what the image truly was. Oddly enough, I felt satisfaction in knowing that there was a newfound sense of completeness in incompleteness.
I suddenly felt disgusted at the thoughts plaguing my mind. Is it normal for boys to question who they are and what they stand for all the time? Is it normal for boys to find such revelatory solace in being around another boy? Is it normal for boys to see another boy and think 'he looks so handsome' all the freaking time!?
"Damn it's that bad?" Dydan suddenly cut me out from my thoughts with fearful anticipation.
I looked down in attempts to hide my uncontrollable smile. "Yeah-well don't blame me for the math taking so long, I had to deduct some points for all the drooling and snoring." I dryly teased as Dydan's mouth abruptly fell down in shock.
"I snore and drool at my sleep!?" Dydan looked genuinely frantic now as if he had been caught red-handed.
"And talk to yourself as well." I devilishly added before bursting into laughter since I was obviously just kidding.
"Goddamn, you make it sound like I was tranquilized." Dydan humorously let out before our laughter filled the empty street.
"Could've been-who knows, you surely did sound like it." I playfully shrugged.
He threw me one of his usually gorgeous eye-rolls before continuing once more. "Okay then so what's the overall score? I mean it can't be that bad right? I still gotta be cute as hell, deductions and all? Right?"
"Hmm, I'm deducting one more point for inflated ego so that brings you to a total of four." I brutally let out as if the real answer wasn't the fact that he had completely broken the scale.
"Four!?" Dydan repeats in a horrified tone. "Oh hell no I take it back, it's now a scale from one to five, you're not about to shatter my confidence like that!" He ends before landing a series of ticklish pokes around my body.
"No don't-ah-please!" I bursted right into a fit of laughter that soon turned into playful moans and whimpers. "Awh-mhm-stop that, I get tickled easily!" I defensively landed a smack right on his arm before flinching away.
"Ow." Dydan tended to his arm with an adorable pout, watching my attention dart off to the side as the street became familiar. "What are you looking at?" He asks after following my gaze.
I abruptly stopped walking once I realized that we'd reached the front of Claire's house. "I just-" I took a deep breath and slightly leaned back against the familiar fence in attempts to ease the aches in my leg. "You can go on ahead, I-I just need to rest my leg for a little bit."
"What? I'm not leaving without you." Dydan shook his head while carefully observing me from head to toe. "What's wrong?"
"It's my right leg." I shamefully answered as I wished he didn't have to see me like this. "It usually always hurts right around this time in the walk, but it's nothing really. I'll be fine, you should go, I-I don't wanna hold you up."
Dydan remained quiet as he suddenly turned his back towards me and knelt down. "Get on." He let out gingerly, urging me to comply with his suggested piggyback.
"What?" My mouth falls for a second to let out a blushed scoff. "Don't be ridiculous, y-you don't have to-"
He looked further back to meet his amber right into my jade. "The longer you stall the more painful this position is gonna get for me-so you know, maybe just get on?" He teased.
I nervously laughed and tucked my hair right behind my ears in preparation to get on top to ride him. I slowly hovered right over him until we became perfectly aligned, my chest meeting against his broad back, my arms tightening around his neck, and his strong arms holding onto my feeble legs that already seemed to stop aching.
Dydan carried me without a single trace of inconvenience, giving me the chance to carefully nestle my face right against his shoulder as I grazed my hand against all sorts of flowers and plants.
"If you don't mind me asking, what were the stuff that happened?" I quietly asked right behind his ear, earning a careful glance from him.
"Just a stupid fight with my family." He sighed. "You know how fights are, it's when all the things that we keep in our heads finally come out and it's like a bomb. It explodes and it's loud and it does nothing but hurt people."
"Yeah." I softly agreed with a pout.
"It's just like-do you ever get the feeling like you don't belong anywhere?" Dydan asks with another glance.
"All the time." I whispered.
"I've felt like that for so long now, and no matter how hard I try to cope with it or act like it doesn't bother me, all it takes is that one thing to set me off, and then all of a sudden everyone including me is reminded of just how fucked up I truly am." Dydan solemnly ends, looking back to meet my understanding gaze.
In the midst of watching the orange searing sunset battling the grey gloomy clouds that reflected off of his eyes, I couldn't help but succumb to the overwhelming feelings that came with hearing someone wholeheartedly express how I've also felt for so long. Although his vulnerability had rendered me speechless, it made me think about my own pain that I've tried to leave and bury behind, only for the memories to be there all this time, suppressed and in desperate need to be heard and confronted.
The faded sun eventually struck out to be fully accosted by the dark sullen clouds, in show of the cold shadows and silhouettes that gladly revealed a much more comfortable warmth between us. Suddenly it seemed as if Dydan was the only person that could ever breathe a relatable rush of air into me, the only person that could ever make me feel warmth in a world where it felt like such a rarity.
"You alright back there?" Dydan asked through my silence.
"Yeah." I sheepishly answered as I nuzzled right against his neck.
"You think a lot." He all-knowingly stated.
"I tend to, yeah." I say.
"All good thoughts I hope?" Dydan says right back.
"Now, more than ever before." I admittedly whispered, alluding to my appreciation for his existence as I brushed my lips against his ear with a coy smile.
Dydan abruptly brushed his head away from me. "Hey stop that, it tickles!"
"Oh so now you're the one that's ticklish?" I teasingly let out, annoyingly following wherever his head brushed off so I can continue whispering right into his ear.
"Stop-ah!" Dydan uncontrollably chuckled as he shook me with his hands to stop. "Just because I like hearing the sound of your voice doesn't mean you get to torture me like this!"
"Well I kinda have to since I like hearing the sound of your laugh." My words caused an abrupt silence to emit, the kind of silence that felt comforting, warm even.
We spent the rest of the walk home talking about sweet nothings that consisted of comfy conversations, idiotic giggles, and failed shushes to satisfy our false sense of altruism in regards to our volume. I even let Dydan use my Walkman at one point, letting him hear all the music that I've only ever shared with my mother. I would occasionally stop humming and tracing my fingers along the hair behind his neck just to acknowledge his subtle quirks and adorable reactions to every song that played.
The newfound love he showed for my music was memorable and was something that I knew I would cherish forever.
Because of him I was suddenly ten years old and happy again, and my feet didn't hurt, and my mom was alive, and my heart was filled with enough love and light to share with the entire world.
Dydan offering Leone to piggyback him is so adorable to me omggg <3