Catheline's POV:
Six days.
The most disastrous six days of my life have occurred. Many things have happened during these days.
I sat near the window, grimacing at the cold wind and grey sky. It would rain today. I have this intuition in my mind for some reason.
After two days after Xander's departure, I received a letter from him.
'Everything is fine, my precious wife. I might have forgotten to mention that I have taken up residence at the Sunster's estate. I am fine but I miss you terribly,'
That made me a little assured, pleased, and scared at the same time. Because of what I was feeling, I called for Nathaniel that day and forced him to make his way to the Sunster's estate.
He protested but I ordered him to go. I know he wanted to go and I was fulfilling his wish. Hence, after half an hour of conversation, he agreed and made his way up there. Two days ago, I received another letter from my husband.
'I only wanted him to stay there so you could be more comfortable. You are very stubborn, my sweet wife. Take care, you know how much I appreciate your care. It means everything to me,'
That made me angry but very pleased. He will be thankful. Out of all people, I knew how awkward he can get around other unknown people.
These days, the need to summon Lady Daraa and ask her about her previous discussion with Xander itched me. But I let it go, half afraid of knowing what happened. Either of them must have said something hurtful.
I leaned against the chair and sighed. These days, I did go outside and looked at the happenings of the castle. For some reason, everything seemed to have darkened. Nothing has changed except that there were more guards around the hallways and I spotted some work going around in the gardens. I could see what was going on, but every time I tried to do that, my feet gave up and I had to return to my chambers.
I dreaded the upcoming months as they could be even more torturous. A knock on the door called for my attention.
"Get in," I shouted, as I caressed my belly.
The door opened and revealed Karra, who was ready to take me on my early morning walk. She looked a little bugged and that concerned me.
"I saw Leon talking to Lady Daraa," she said as she approached me. "He is so pretentious-"
"She has every right to ask the guards about the security measures," I sighed, holding her arm. "And I am unclear on why you loathe him,"
"His aura is enough to irritate me!" Karra fretted, holding onto my arm tightly. "Where are we headed to, Your Grace?"
I sighed and had no interest in visiting the gardens. The weather ruined my mood. But the least I could do was simply walk around where no one was there.
I wanted to go to many places though. I wanted to see Lestor and play with him for a while. I wanted to visit the chamber where all the fascinating relics are kept. I wanted to stare at the ridiculous glistening armor that Xander's grandsire once wore in battle.
There is only so much we can do, isn't it?
.................................................................
I and Karra walked into the hallways and were chatting away about one thing or another. She did most of the talking and it was mostly about what she did in the kitchens. Or it was a complaint about men. I simply listened and barely paid attention to what was happening.
I may have lost my sanity and proper functioning as a human. These days, I am like a mindless beast. A pregnant mindless beast. I feel like I have lost my purpose altogether. I wanted to do something. Something which would end this feeling.
Suddenly, my mind seemed to have sensed something strange. I stopped walking, compelling Karra to do the same.
"Are you alright, Your Grace?" she asked, looking at me deeply.
I frowned and looked around only to realize something. I turned my head sideways to see a hallway. Something sparked in me when I realized what that hallway lead to.
"That's...Xander's chambers..." I whispered, looking at the pathway.
Karra turned sideways and nodded in agreement. I moved forward, forward the hallway, and stared at it for a long time.
I have been in his quarters many times. But the only time I went in there on my own was on our disastrous wedding night. The other times, I brought her unconscious.
I still remember how nervous I had been that night. How I expected the unexpected and the most unexpected came knocking over my face.
"I...I wish for us to have separate chambers, My Queen,"
I stood, dumbfounded, staring at my husband in shock. We have married just a day ago. What is he saying?
I did not know him much. He was gorgeous and a part of me seemed to have fallen for him on the day of our wedding. He was so elegant and sophisticated. The way he looked at me made me feel different. I had high hopes for my marriage after I heard the story of my parents.
I never knew I would have to hear these words.
"Forgive me, My King...but..." I muttered, twisting my fingers behind my back nervously. "But do you not wish for my presence?"
At that, he quickly shook his head and glanced back at the door.
"It's not your fault," he said firmly. "It is mine. Both of us might not be comfortable staying with each other. And...you might not be able to bear me. I am afraid that I might do something that you dislike,"
But I did bear with him.
Sometimes he made me so angry that I wanted to hurt him. Like the time when he came back after his visit from the dying duke and locked himself in his room. Many times, I calmed myself down, not wishing to make my marriage miserable. I was willing to give him chances and somehow love me back too.
Stay safe, my love.
I shook my head firmly and walked toward the hallway. I wanted to be in his chambers and I am sure that if he was here, he wouldn't dare mind it.
Karra followed me as I found my way toward the beautifully carved oak door. The longer I looked at it, the more upset I felt. This was supposed to be our chambers. I remember how Lady Daraa said that she admired Queen Lorraine for her courage to go against her husband. To keep her self-respect.
I did not like how this place was not guarded. Maybe Xander ordered it to be left alone. But why? I shook my head and hoped that it would open.
"Stay here," I told Karra and she nodded.
I sighed and placed my fingers on the door handle. When I pushed it a little, the door clicked a little, making me surprised. I slowly pushed it open and found it to be the same as it was.
The shades were still white and gold. The curtains were open, letting some light enter the pale room. I walked in and found a strange pressure on my chest. I bit my lip and moved forward, breathing in the fact that this room had always been devoid of warmth.
I glanced at the unlit fireplace and the massive bed, stationed in the middle of the room. I took a few nervous steps forward and sat down on the soft mattress.
It was neat and I assumed that even if the room was unguarded, it was not left to gather dust. It was getting cleaned every day. I mean, it was the King's chambers.
I sighed and caressed the mattress and realized that they were ice. I moved more toward the center after carefully removing my footwear.
The bed was soft and I recollected all the times I had been on it. The most heartbreaking one was our wedding night. I still remember how I felt that night.
It was my first night in Anthreal and I was sent there, dressed exquisitely. I was only informed that the King will be here, but not when he would be here.
I was all shy and my heart was racing with the passing minute. Many times I fell asleep but I forced myself to not do so.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, he did come. It was so late in the night that the only light in the room was of the lanterns. That night was a crescent moon and not much light was given by the sky.
I did not know what to do. I did not know what to expect. And most of all, I was not ready for him to claim me at all. Maybe I would midway, no one knows. Even if I was not ready for that, I was ready to give myself to him.
If only I knew that he was not ready either. We simply stared at each other for a long time before he reminded me that it was late at night. And after that, all he did was kiss me on my cheek, that too very hesitantly, and blew away the only light in the room.
Sleep was the only thing that made me feel better.
I shook my head at the memories. Maybe it was for the better that we had separate chambers. It gave him the peace he needed.
I reached for the pillow and pulled it towards me. It was then that I found something unexpected. I looked at it and realized that it was a book. It was in a dark shade of brown and had a big E painted on it.
I gaped at it for a few more moments before taking it in my hands. E.
Against my instincts, I decided to just take a look at the first page. With just one look, I knew this book was important.
This day is one of the best days of my life! This was the day I married Aren. He was charming and handsome, wearing all white. At first, my brother was hesitant to let go of me. But he knew the consequences of not letting me go. Aren is charming, both in looks and heart. But his father simply frightens me. My husband assured me that everything would be alright and that was all that I wanted to hear.'
I quickly snapped the book shut and dropped it from my hands. I knew what this was. E.
This was the journal that belonged to Xander's mother. The one which she gave to Lady Daraa, who gave it to Xander. Which caused him to go in outraged.
My lips trembled, weighing my options. If I went on and continued to read it, it would make me feel...nosy. I had no business reading this book. But...I was curious at the same time. Finally, I told myself to read the last page. That's all.
With quivering hands, I picked up the book again and flipped to the last page. But what I saw shocked me.
It was not the handwriting that belonged to Queen Elene. It was the same curly handwriting that belonged to her son. This was Xander's entry.
I quickly flipped back to the page where I could see his mother's writings again. A few moments later, I did.
'My brother's wife gave birth to twins! Xander finally has cousins to play with. He invited me and Aren to see them which I was eager to attend. It had been a long time since I visited Dalia. I and Aren decided to not take Xander as the doctor said that he was too frail. I did not wish for Xander to be harmed. But then I realized a shocking discovery...
It seems that Xander would not need to go to Dalia to visit his cousins. Because he was about to get a playmate soon. I hadn't told Aren about it yet, but as soon as we come back from Dalia, I would tell him. He would be very happy since it had been five years since we had Xander. It would be nice to hear a little child playing in the gardens again. But this time, I hope that it was a girl.'
I breathed out sadly before closing the book shut. Everything in me just seemed to stop working. Except, my child kicked me as if it was asking if I was alright.
My eyes became glassy at the sight of these words. From what I read, my mother-by-law seemed to be a wonderful person. Maybe that's why Xander expressed that it would be much better if she was still alive.
If Xander's parents were still alive, he would have gotten the childhood he wished for. A happy one. Maybe he would have smiled more often.
I opened the book again, resolving to read what he wrote. Even if this seemed so wrong and I was intruding on his privacy, somehow, I felt like he owes me this.
I slowly opened the page where Xander began writing. I promised myself that I would read one entry. Just one.
'I am a horrible person. I am aware of that, mother. I know...with your temperament, you wouldn't have wished for me to become what I am.
Over the few days, I realized just how real and silly, and cruel life could be. But I know that as King, I have to be strong. I have to be strong for everyone. But when can I have time for myself? When can I cry my heart out and where can I do it without being judged?
I only cried when I rescued Lestor from that miserable forest. And, I also cried when I came upon your journal for the first time. It broke me beyond anything when I read your words.
I want to feel your presence. I want you to come back and help me fix my situation with her. I want you beside me, happy and alive.
It took me months to realize that I was not alone in this predicament. I had my wife. My sweet little wife, who spoils me like no one had ever before.
Catheline is a woman made of fire. Only she could melt my heart which was frozen over a decade ago. But I do not think that she would go on loving me forever.
She is the only warmth I can ever feel. I don't want her gone too. I want her to be with me but at the same time, I want her far away from me. Because that is the only way she would not be hurt by the only thing that ever hurts her.
Me.
If you were here, you would have ripped my ear off. Even if you loved me to the fullest.
She is also pregnant with our child. Half of me is scared. I am beyond scared. What if the child hates me? I suppose I do deserve it. After what I had done to Catheline, I deserve to be hated by him or her.
The other half of me wished to give my child the best life ever. He or she would not grow up like me. So cold and miserable all the time. I will spoil him or her with everything I have. I and Catheline. That is if she lets me.
Also, I learned sewing as a joke when I was ten. The maids were all bundled up together, chatting and giggling about something. I watched them for a long time, with their needles moving like a bird and making lovely designs.
My sparring lessons were over for that day as it snowed heavily. I walked in and demanded to be taught. I was still childish back then. By the time Lady Daraa found me, I was halfway into sewing a little bird.
You would have loved it. I still have it with me.
She was horrified beyond imagination and almost dragged me away from the scene. She declared that I should never do that again and punished the maids severely for teaching me this kind of womanly thing.
If you were there...you would have scolded Daraa instead and would have taught me sewing skills yourself.
By this time, we would have been laughing about it.'
The book escaped from my fingers as a few tears dropped on the page. I quickly tried to wipe them away, not wanting to spoil anything.
I had no words to say at all. I did not want to think of this book again. I quickly placed it behind another pillow and fell back on the bed. Even if I tried to, I could not stop crying silently.
Before I knew it, I was shaking uncontrollably. I wanted it to stop. I wanted it all to end. Why was there so much misery and pain around?
He might scold me if he found out that I read these hidden words. There were other entries too but I did not wish to intrude further.
He is scared.
And I am scared that he is.
He is stuck between being a cold human and a human with feelings. He wants to push me away and yet, keep me close at the same time. He fears that I would be gone too, leaving him all alone in his miserable world.
I sobbed silently, not wanting to make Karra burst into the room. I wanted to let go of these tears and cry for my husband.
We are both at fault.
I should not have made him feel the way he is feeling now. He still regrets all the words he said to me over the year. Two years almost.
I wanted to give him the shade he wanted to rest in after a burning hot day. A shelter he can rest in the storm. But he always chooses to fight the storm, as if that was the only choice he had.
I gripped the pillow in my arm tightly, ignoring everything in the world.
'Stay safe, my love,'
He was trying to be good and the entire world, including himself, was making him seem bad.
"I will...I will tell you the truth once you come back, my dearest..." I told out loud, hoping that somehow, he could hear it.
I will try to ease his burden.
I will make him blame himself a little less.
I will always be the warmth he wants so badly.
____________________________________
Author's note:
Plot twist coming ahead.
Also, if you think my story is trash, please message me! I would love to have some criticism and love to talk my mind out.
But this is my book, guys. My first book. And if you don't like it, I would never blame you if you drop it.
And if you need to talk to someone, I'll be there for you too :)
Have a lovely day/night~