As I woke up on the morning of Mother's Day, my heart felt heavy with both sorrow and hope. It had been years since I lost my dear mother, and the pain of her absence was always more pronounced on this special day.
Despite the hardships I faced, all I wished for was to visit her grave, pay my respects, and honor her memory. But, as usual, life had a cruel way of treating me. The entire day had been a relentless barrage of mistreatment, as though fate itself conspired against me. My father beat me and worked me to the bone, not caring for my well-being or my desires. I was directed to clean the house from top to bottom, as well as the dusty decrepit garage out in the backyard.
As the day wore on, exhaustion weighed me down, but my determination to visit my mother's resting place never wavered.
Finally, I gathered up the courage to remind my father of my little wish. "Father? I-I finished all my chores. Do you think I can visit mother now?" I coughed due to the dirt and dust that surely filled my lungs, turning my voice hoarse and audibly filled with neglect.
His reaction was nothing short of cruel mockery. "You really think I'd let you go and see her like that? You look so goddamn hideous she might rise up out of the grave just to tell you to wash up." He laughed disdainfully, pointing at the dirt and soot that had unknowingly gotten on some parts of my face and hair.
I shamefully dropped my head down as his words undoubtedly stung. "If I go and wash up, then can I see mother?" I squeaked out.
"God, you're truly not planning to back down aren't you?" He scoffed at my persistence. "I'm gonna go speak to the neighbors. If you're not ready once I return, then we're not going." And with that I immediately scampered off into the bathroom.
After several moments of hurriedly getting ready, I ended up quietly sitting at the highest step of the staircase, with my head shyly peeking in between the railing. I nervously watched the front door, waiting for my father to return from having to go to the Demecrio household. He had gone over there to discuss matters about the broken fence, hoping to let them know that not only was it not us, but also how to keep it from ever happening again.
Since Dydan was the one who caused such damage in ways I could never understand, there was a chance that no one would ever really know the truth except for me.
The only thing is I had no plans on ever telling on him because knowing my father, it would mean nothing but absolute trouble.
"No use." He cursed to himself while bolting through the front door, grabbing his thick coat from the couch before glaring up at me. "The father insisted that the fence was destroyed by a bear even though I told him I went out there as soon as I heard the noise and saw no such thing! I bet that family did it themselves and they're just trying to cover it up-those goddamn idiots! At least I finished the fence. if that shit ever happens again they can fix it themselves!"
I blinked, not knowing how to respond to his aggression as I just settled for an apology. "I'm sorry for what happened father." I squeaked.
He quickly clicked his mouth out of annoyance. "Well what else are you looking at me for? Hurry up and come down here, you idiot." I quickly obliged, zipping up my coat and heading down the stairs with the bouquet I was planning to give to my mother.
"Why are you walking like that?" My father interrogated, trailing his eyes down from the nervous look on my face to eventually look directly at hands behind my back. "What are you hiding?"
My heart began to pound as I rapidly looked down in fear without any courage to respond.
"You worthless little scum you-" He immediately rushed towards me and latched a painful grip on my arm, spinning me around to expose the bouquet in my hand. "Wasting my goddamn time, what is this!?"
My lips wobbled as a fearful sheen quickly came across my eyes. "It's for mother!" My voice shattered the moment he snatched the assortment of flowers away from my hand, making me let out a fearful whimper as I watched him observe it with disgust. "T-The neighbor gave it to me for Mother's Day."
He quickly snarled. "What is it with you and flowers, huh?" He aggressively pointed them at me, my breath hitching as I watched a few petals fall down to the floor. "You draw them, you smile at them, you've even asked if you could grow them in the past and now you dare give them to your whore mother!?"
"Please, it's to show my respect for her!" I hysterically spoke as he swung the bouquet with every delivered word, eventually making me drop down onto the floor to collect the petals that kept falling in disarray. "Stop it!"
"Stop!?" That seemed to have set him off as he rapidly raised the bouquet and repeatedly swung it on the top of my head multiple times. "How about you stop being such a goddamn faggot! How about that!?"
"I beg of you, please!" I resulted to beginning as I tended to the aches that reverberated on the top of my head. "All I want is to give it to her for Mother's Day."
"You wanna have something to give!? You wanna show respect to your mother!?" He eventually stops hitting me, only to retract the bouquet back before his chest to turn it horizontally. "What about showing it by being a man for once!" He tightens his grip around the flowers before proceeding to snap them in half.
"No!" I immediately let out a distraught yell that echoed around the room.
"She's gone because of you." He ruthlessly throws them back at me. "And no amount of flowers would ever change the fact that you should've been the one that died in that accident!"
I was speechless, a void forming on my stomach just for it to be filled by a shattered heart. I brokenly cried at the sight of the beautiful flowers completely ruined before me, the flowers I was so excited to give to my mother.
"You're cleaning all of this up once we get home." My father brutally continued without an ounce of mercy. "Now get your ass up and go to the car-if you keep me waiting you'll be snapped next!"
My emotions were a mixture of everything I had wished to become numb from; pain, shock, anger, and sadness was all that enveloped me. I cried my reddened eyes out as a lump had formed in my throat, making it harder for me to breathe as I struggled to get back up.
I eventually limped my way towards the front door, sparing a final glance at the ruined flowers before walking out and attempting to silence my wails on the back of my arm.
Although I knew I deserved all the cruelty I was facing for everything I've done, I still couldn't help but wonder just how much more I was willing to take.
I'm sorry mother.
The ride to the cemetery was eerily silent, almost suffocating, since I had to share such close proximity with my father for what seemed like an eternity. A soft, mellow song was playing in the background, just enough to maintain the fragile borders between my father and me. The last time I was in a car, I was a version of myself that I'd never be again.
We eventually park and walk our way towards my mother. I followed right behind my father as my right leg ached at certain areas being guided by the path. I looked around at the vast stretch of grass, giving me the chance to see the other countless families that congregated around their own headstone, honoring it with beautiful flowers and several objects that embellished it with such meaning.
I walked up a familiar incline and immediately rushed towards my mother once I had seen her. I knelt down on the grass as I could no longer hold back the tears.
And there it was, the familiar despair washing over me, unwinding, endless like inevitable waves smashing me right against the ground over and over again.
Despite of my complete sorrow and disappointment for not being able to give my mother her flowers, Claire's words of not needing anything other than my love for her went across my mind.
"I'm so glad I could be here for you on your special day." I whispered towards the glistening stone with a series of blinks and a trembling lip. "Happy Mother's Day." A gentle breeze brushed against my hair, lightly blowing it to the side as it slightly dried up the tears streaming down my cheeks.
I leaned over to the stone to dust it off, tidying it up, picking off some of the blades of grass that were displaced in certain areas. Since my father was a couple distances away from me, I was thankfully able to speak to her about what's been going on in my life.
"I've been drawing a lot more than usual." I attempted to smile. "Not as much as when we'd used to draw together but enough just because it's been the only joy I've got going for me lately, besides you of course." I stopped to take a deep, shaky breath to myself. "I wish you were able to see them. I've improved a lot over the years and although father doesn't like it, I'll still make sure to keep doing it for you-for my own happiness like you'd always say."
I nervously glanced back at the sound of my father lighting up a cigarette. I was slightly relieved to still see him a couple distances away to pay his own form of respects which gave me the chance to continue speaking to her. "I meant to come here a-and bring you flowers but I sadly couldn't. They were so beautiful I'm sure you would've loved them. I got them from a neighbor that lives just a few blocks away from us-her name is Claire. Her house gives me so much inspiration. One time I met a ladybug there that landed on the top of my hand so I decided to draw it! A boy who just moved next door said it was amazing-can you believe it? He told me I was amazing, like you always used to say when I'd show you my drawings, mother." I say before letting out a soft melancholic laugh.
I tucked a strand of my curly hair back before continuing. "He asked me if I wanted to be friends with him and I said yes but I-I don't know, I just think I got scared so I decided to avoid him." I admitted as the truth hurt much more to hear out loud. "I-I know it's not right to do that to people and you would've probably told me the same thing but-but it's just that it's getting really hard to trust people nowadays." I shakily inhaled to try and regain my composure by wiping my tears away and straightening out my clothes. "I wish that wasn't the case but the people around me can just be so mean sometimes. I still don't think I've found the strength to deal with it compared to when you were here; you'd always have my back, you always knew the right things to say t-to make me feel better, you'd be there for me when one else was, but now I'm alone and-and I'm so very tired."
"Alright, let's go." My father calls out, catching my attention by tossing his half-finished cigarette right beside me.
"I wish I was as strong as you." My voice cracked as I didn't waste any time to frantically tell her my goodbyes. "I miss you mother, there's not a single day of my life where I don't wish it was me instead of you. One day I hope to see you again, but until then, I'll try my best to always keep my heart filled with nothing but love and ligh-"
"That's enough!" My father exclaims and snatches me up with a painful grip made on my arm.
"B-But-"
"I said that's enough, Leone!" He yelled out. "I have to get to work!"
I whimpered as he began to pull me away, tightening his grip until I was sure that it would leave a mark. "I love you, I'll be back to visit you soon, I promise!" My voice shook out into a low feeble plead as I walked away with my father, occasionally looking back with a pained expression as I wish I had more time to spend with her.