I fucked up.
I knew that.
I let my insecurities get the best of me, especially between Anna and Niall. Just seeing them getting close to one another in Venice got to me, I couldn't put my finger on why. Maybe it was because he was better than I was, he had the means, and I didn't. He had the money that I wished I could have, not that I was seeking for it, but seeing what Niall could do with Anna made me think about what I could do for her if I had that money.
When I moved away from London, I didn't care about money. If I had money, then it was just means for me to buy drugs and I barely got by with that. All my extra money went to Veronica, would send her money just to get me off and even then it was an addiction I couldn't shake.
But now, I want that money. I want it all because I want to give it to Anna. Knowing that I could have that power that they have to protect Anna, I didn't have any of that. I was just some broke priest, if you even wanted to call me that anymore. I haven't worked as a priest in sometime, long enough that I've gotten calls from some of the church goers about where I was.
Of course I had to tell them I fell ill, I didn't know what else to say.
After Anna told me she needed space, I fell into a dark place. Niall was pissed off at me, Pete didn't even know how to talk to me, but they were here and we needed to take care of business. It was hard, though, given I was drinking half bottles of tequila to numb the pain.
I never thought that I would ever feel some sort of heartbreak like this. Being away from Anna has been the hardest thing I could ever do, I didn't even know where Gracie lived so it's not like I could just show up. I almost called Ajax to find out, just to give me a peace of mind on where she would be.
She won't answer any of my texts, I've gone to double texting at this point. I've tried spreading them out, just so I won't annoy her and the thought of trying to call her made me anxious. Hearing the phone ring and ring and ring and then eventually go to voicemail.
"This is Anna, leave a message and I'll call you back!"
God, her voice.
I missed it.
I missed her.
I was going insane, she was making me go insane. I couldn't sleep at night, not since we had shared a bed for a while now. Last night I rolled over and reached out for her to hold just to find that she's still not there, that she's still mad at me, and that I still fucked up.
I shouldn't have made a big deal about Niall and Pete housing her, it was their jobs, but I was at my lowest point and after Venice and sharing our most intimate thoughts, moments, lives with one another I just felt like dirt.
I wanted to be a good man for her, but I was scared that I wasn't what she needed, nor what she wanted.
After hiding away in my apartment, Pete showed up at my door. I was a few shots of tequila in and my head was fuzzy. I'd been laying on the couch for what seemed like days and if I wasn't on the couch, I was in my bed.
"Stop moping around, get the fuck up, Harry," Pete said as he kicked the beer cans around that were thrown on the floor, studying the large bottles of alcohol on the coffee table, "I mean, really? You're gonna let yourself slip again?"
Nag, nag, nag.
"At least it's not pills," I slurred, pulling the thick blanket over my body to shield myself from the light Pete turned on, "Turn the fuckin' light off. Y'hurting my eyes."
Pete rolled his eyes, grabbing the blanket and snatching it off my body.
"Do you really think that this is going to get Anna to talk to you? Look at the state you're in, mate. A fuckin' mess," Pete sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Do you not remember what we have to do today?"
I sighed loudly, covering my eyes with one hand, "I'm not going."
"Why not?"
"Because."
Today was Nathan's funeral, tomorrow was Michael's. I didn't want to go, it would just be a haunting reminder that I wasn't able to save them and that I was once again a failure.
I also expected to see Anna there and I didn't know how to talk to her. I wanted to give her space, but I didn't know how and if I found myself around her I fear that I might not want to leave. She was my addiction, fuck the drugs, fuck the drinking--fuck the sex, I just wanted Anna. Her presence alone made my mind go into a opiated hazed high.
There was a long silence, then suddenly I felt Pete topple onto my body and grab both of my wrists to pin them down. I winced, too tipsy to comprehend what he was trying to do until I felt a sharp slap across my face.
"Ow, fuckin' hell, Pete!" I grunted, trying to fight for my wrists back, but he kept them locked above my head, "If you wanted to fuck, just say that, don't just jump on me without foreplay."
Pete blinked hard, mouth agape as I jetted my hips up against his ass with a smirk. Tequila always made me horny, even if Pete was my best mate, his ass pressed against my cock wasn't the best idea at that moment. But then he wound his hand back and slapped the side of my face once more. My head whipped to the side, a low chuckle escaping me before licking over my lips.
"I'm tired of your fucking shit. Whatever shit you and Niall got yourselves into, get out of it. I've never been one to get between the both of you, but this has gotten in the way of why we are here," Pete hissed, "Now get your shit together, take a fucking shower cause you smell like piss and let's go."
I rolled my eyes, watching as Pete jumped off of me. I adjusted my pants, leaning up on my elbows.
"So is that a no for fucking?" I chimed out in curiosity.
"Get in the fucking shower!"
The heels of my shoes clicked against the cement floor through the empty hallways, the lights above were swinging from their small strings that held them up, flickering and hurting my eyes. It was time to pay a little visit to my friend, it was long overdue, but I liked to have a grand entrance full of anticipation.
Mixed with the fact that I forgot about even doing this today.
It adds to the anticipation, plus the mood swings mixed with the throbbing headache I had.
Ajax so graciously kept my little friend in the basement of where we had kept the people from the village, but now that they were all moved to the rehabilitation center I was able to make my move. I didn't want to cause panic, not if they heard anything that would seem alarming. Because, well, it would be very alarming.
Pete moved himself in front of me, taking the keys out of his pocket as they rattled, and graciously unlocked the two sliding doors of the basement. This place was old, dirty and gross. I worried about getting the leftover water from flooding on my good shoes, but that's what I got for wearing something nice to take care of my problems.
I wanted to make the entrance unforgettable, of course. Wearing my best black suit with a loose white button down underneath it, tucked into the tight slacks clad with the rings on my fingers. I even had it freshly pressed for the occasion. I felt somewhat more human now that I wasn't dressed in pajama's that needed desperately to be washed. Maybe I was a little out of my mind, but that's what happens when you find your mother alive in a cult where you worked at; and on the other end of the stick was Anna.
My Angel.
God, I still missed her, but I was going to have fun taking out my anger on someone who really deserves it.
Clutched tightly in my hand with a bag of food, freshly greased bottom of the bag meaning that the food had just came off the grill. I was hungry, after all, I couldn't do my work on a empty stomach and as I specified, I didn't want my friend to eat anything until I paid him a visit. It was rude of me to let someone eat alone.
The two sliding doors screeched through the empty hallways as Pete and Niall pulled them apart, showing an dark basement with no light on. The smell made my body physically revolt, surely I wasn't the only one that had paid someone a visit in this small room. Pressing my hand down my jacket, I took long strides into the room, blinking hard as the darkness engulfed my vision until Niall turned the switch on.
A small light hung over us, only showing what was in front of us within five to six feet.
And there was my friend.
"Hello, Thomas," I coo'd out cheerfully with a wide smile, sadistic, but I wanted him to be intimidated by me. That was the game, of course, the only thing that was in my head was trying to keep it together. I couldn't let myself slip.
Thomas was tied to a chair, dried blood on the side of his face. He was pale, dark bags under his eyes and looked barely alive. Poor thing couldn't even keep his head up. I supposed that would be my doing, as he'd been sitting here alone for sometime now. I turned on my heel, grabbing a chair from behind me before pulling my chair up just a foot away from him and sat down with legs spread, bag of food sat in the middle of my legs.
"Are you hungry?" I didn't comment on his state, instead starting to dig through the bag of food. I pulled out my burger, unwrapping it to show the full burger stuffed with veggies and all, "I'm starving, I'm sure you are too."
His eye just barely propped open, his breathing was slow. If he didn't eat soon, he would die, and I needed him alive. That's why I've came just on the brink of his body shutting down.
"Here, mate," I said through a mouth full of burger, leaning down to grab my water and peeled off the duct tape that was barely hanging on his lips. I peeled it off carefully, furrowing my brows as I stuck the straw to his mouth, "Drink. Hydrate yourself."
He let out a groan, tilting his head back a little, "F-fuck...you...." Under a murmur that was so weak I almost couldn't hear it.
"If you don't, you die," I told him plainly, adjusting my shoulders to relax, "Not by me either, no. Your body has about two days before it shuts down completely. So either drink and eat, or die. It's up to you."
Thomas' brow barely perked, a gruff breath leaving him as he mustered up all his strength to open both his eyes to train on me. I stayed cool, still having the water outstretched to him with the straw pointing towards him. My demeanor stayed neutral, lips pursed to the side as I shook the drink at him once more.
His eyes trained down on the straw, checking it out as if I made have drugged it.
"Oh, c'mon, mate," I rolled my eyes, bringing the drink back to my lips and taking a full sip before swallowing, "See? It's just water. Drink it." I urged once more, pointing the straw back towards him. I sure as hell wasn't going to touch it after he drank it, though, I'm not one for sharing drinks.
But he looked like he needed it more than me.
Thomas sighed, hesitantly pulling himself as far as the ropes would let him before wrapping his dry lips around the straw and taking a few sips. I watched as he grumbled, taking gradual sips until the appetite returned to him; his body finally alerting him of the severe drought it was going through. He started to greedily sip it all down until I pulled it from him and tsked.
"Don't drink it all," I warned, clicking my tongue while setting it back on the ground, "You're gonna need that later, trust me."
He sighed, now that his whistle was wet and he had something inside of him, he relaxed against the chair and blinked hard through his stare, "What do you want, Harry?" His voice still strained, still achy and tired.
"Just wanted to check up on you, that's all," I took another bite of my burger, letting out a hum as the food filled in my cheeks, "Oh, and you've got information that I want." I talked through a mouth full, chewing before swallowing thickly.
"If you're here to ask about Angela—" He grumbled, trying to keep his head upwards from rolling to the side, "I don't—know—anything,"
"I expect you not to know anything about her," I took the napkin from the bag and dabbed my lips softly, clearing my throat, "Given you've been here. How could you, right? But, she's not the reason I'm here."
I was here for my mum.
Out of all the people that was saved in the village, my mum was the only one that wasn't in the building.
Thomas' face pinched into confusion, "Then why—why are you here?"
Adjusting my jacket, I slid my hand into the inside pocket, two fingers pinching the photo as I pulled it out and unfolded it carefully, "I believe that this woman," I showed him the photo with a dashing smile, "Was in the village. Does she look familiar to you?"
Thomas leaned forward, squinting his eyes at the photo. This was the only photo I had of my mum, well, family photo. It was right before the cult happened, right before we had joined the church. My dad looked happy, always wearing his Sunday best and my mum was as chirpy as ever. We were always a happy family, there was nothing ever tragic about us until we joined the church.
Then everything went to shit.
"Looks familiar," Thomas mumbled, "I don't know though. Maybe some food would help jog my memory..." He tilted his head towards the bag of food that sat between my thighs with a deadpanned expression.
Looking back at Pete and Niall, they both stood behind me, tall and statue like. Pete glanced at me, giving me a short nod.
"Alright, you want some food?" I nodded, pulling out a bag of fries from the greasy bag before handing it over to Pete, "Pete will give you some fries. Maybe that will help your memory."
I know what game he was playing, though I was playing stupid. If I am one thing to them, it's stupid. They think that I'm not one step ahead of them, but I kept my cards up my sleeve. Pete took out a few fries, feeding the starving man in front of me as I crossed my arms over my chest, brow perched.
"Mmm..." He chewed, swallowing slowly as he sighed, "Those are good. Can you show me the photo again?"
He was testing my patience.
"Jackie. Her name is Jackie," I held up the photo once more, this time holding it closer to his face, "Where is she and why was she not there when we went back?"
"Hmmm, Jackie..." Thomas hummed, flickering his gaze between me and Pete, "What's in it for me if I tell you anything?" He leaned back against the chair, perching his brow, "I've been locked—in this basement—for what seems like ages."
"You're not in the best position for making any negotiations, are you?" I smacked my lips, folding my hands into my lap as I stared blankly at him, "I think it's in your best interest to tell me everything you know, otherwise you'll spend another week in this basement by yourself."
Thomas gritted his teeth, "It's against me—"
"It's in your best interest," I interjected loudly, ending the sentence softly, with a charming smile, "If you tell me."
"And if I don't?"
Gazing at him, a chuckle fell through my lips as I leaned forward placing a hand onto his knee lightly, "Have you ever been stuck in a room with two hungry dogs? Now, I don't know about you, but I love animals. Had a dog when I was a little kid—though, I've noticed that dogs will eat just about anything if they are hungry enough."
Thomas squinted, I could see his body start to shake, though behind his deadpanned expression I could tell that he was contemplating. He could choose not to tell us anything and I would know nothing about where my mum was, I could get rid of him and knock down each member until I do. He was disposable and he knew that.
"Don't worry though," I cleared my throat, crossing one leg over my knee with my hands folded together, "I'd send what's left of you to your family. Proper burial and whatnot."
"O-okay, okay," Thomas sputtered, "Just don't hurt my family, okay? I—I miss them so much."
"You can see them if you tell me everything you know," I reassured, but he was watching me as if he was waiting for a flinch to show I was lying. I wasn't giving in, my composure was neat and still.
"You wouldn't let me go that easily..." He muttered, "What do you really want?!"
"Thomas I'm not a monster, not like you all. The difference between us is that I want to help people for their sake, you simply do it for power. You tell me what you know, I let you go and we act like nothing happened." I said plainly without a stutter.
Just staring at him made me sick, it was really settling now and I could feel my hands start to shake from the anger boiling inside of me, though on the outside I seemed to hold my composure well. You wouldn't be able to tell that I was seconds away from shooting this man in the face. Thinking back to how he took Anna, how scared she must've been; knowing his hands were all over her with aggression, god it just made me want to explode on him.
"How do I know that you're gonna hold up to your end?" He shook, "You're e-evil...Angela is the one that is trying to help people, not you."
"Huh," I chuckled out, tilting my head, "Not even on drugs and you think that way. It's interesting. Do you think that Angela is a good person? If she was, why would she drug a bunch of young kids?"
Thomas flinched, eyes widening softly, "You're lying."
I was lying, but I could repent for that later. This was for a good cause. But I couldn't spit out lies without backing it up, so I had forged some papers that showed the kids names that we had with the results of drug tests that came out positive from the adults we had rescued. Pulling out the paper, I slid it onto his lap for him to look at himself.
"Angela is hurting kids. Drugging them. One died, was just six years old. Is this the woman that you're standing up for?" I lied, through every word I lied and it made me sick to think about. I thanked God that it wasn't real, but in the moment it felt more real than it could ever be. Staring down at the names, seeing all the drugs that were pumped into those people's veins. Made me ill.
Thomas studied the paper, his confident demeanor was now faltering and his breath was picking up. Tears pricked in the corners of his eyes, breath shaky as he turned his head, "I didn't know—I had no part of it. I thought that we were changing the world—for the better. That's wha—"
"That's what they told you, hm?" I frowned, acting as though I was sympathetic towards him, even if I wasn't. I was sympathetic towards the victims, not the abusers, "So, Thomas, tell me—what do you know about Jackie?"
"Jackie she was well known around the church," Thomas sniffled, almost curling his body as much as the rope would let him as he locked eyes with me, "Angela found her when she was in London, Jackie had told her that she was looking for a new church to join after hers got in trouble for something. I think she said tax fraud—"
It wasn't tax fraud. Thomas was as clueless as the next person.
"Why was Angela in London?" I pressed. Out of the years I was apart of the church, I had never seen Angela before. There couldn't be a way that these two churches were linked together—or if there was a possible way of Angela being behind them.
"I—I don't know," He shook his head quickly, "I really don't know. I didn't know Angela at the time, all I know is that Angela met Jackie in London and took her in."
It doesn't make sense, out of all the years that I had worked as a priest, I had never seen my mum. To be honest, for the years that I hadn't seen my mum I'd convinced myself that she was dead, even if I knew she wasn't. It felt like she was dead. Knowing now that she was alive and just an arm's reach away made me panic, I needed to get her back. I couldn't save my dad, but I could save my mum.
"What about the village then?" I asked, "How long has the village been...the village?"
"Erm, Angela created it some years ago. Before she hired you, I know that she needed to find someone to run the church while she took care of the village. That's where you came in." Thomas was frantic with his words, like every word spoken was causing him to spiral with the truth presented in front of him; it was almost as if he was seeing clearly for the first time in years.
My brow perched, "So, who gets picked to go to this village then?"
"Aren't you the one that brings people to the village?" Pete chimed in, arms crossed, "You took Anna, who's to say that you haven't kidnapped half—if not, all people that were there?"
"It's not like that!" Thomas shook his head with wide eyes, "Angela told me that this was what He wanted! It was for the better!"
Chills ran down my spine, the intensity of the conversation was weighing heavier now. Straying away from what I originally wanted, but still needed, though it was hard to stomach down. I could taste the bile in the back of my throat as my mind wandered off to the dark scenes of what I had endured in the past. Who's to say that it wasn't just as bad as this one?
"Answer the question." I said through a clenched jaw.
"I-I mean, y-yes, I did take people to the village, but the majority wanted to go! Only a few people were forced to be there, but it was for the better. He told Angela that the worst of them needed this, they needed to be reborn again. We were just trying to save them!" Thomas sputtered, yanking his hands from the backside of the chair with force.
"Don't struggle, you'll make it worse for yourself," Pete scolded, grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to lean back against the chair.
"Who is he?"
"God! God is he! He's alive, he's herding us into the right direction—he—he talks to Angela! She is the voice of reason!" Thomas recoiled back to his old mindset. I sighed, knowing I shouldn't have asked, but it was better to know who was all involved in this.
There was a silence in the room, feeling like there should've been some sort of comment from Niall, I turned around to see him standing against the wall nearly half asleep. Pete rolled his eyes, raising his hands to the height of his chest before clapping loudly.
"Niall!"
"Huh! What?!" Niall's eyes shot open, body lurching forward into action while he tried to gain his surroundings, "What? What happened? Did we find Jackie?!'
"Can you fucking stay awake until we leave?!" Pete scolded loudly, waving his hands around frantically, "I mean, fuckin' hell!"
"I'm sorry, if you wouldn't have kept me up last night with the sounds of you and Gracie going at it!" Niall scolded back, rubbing his head in annoyance as he brushed out a irritated sigh.
Pete was seeing Gracie?
I wondered if he had seen Anna too.
The image of her flooded my head once again, irritating me enough to burst out in anger.
"Jesus Christ, that's enough! The both of you!" My voice boomed through the room, slapping the photo down once more, "Where the fuck is she?!"
Thomas' face looked just as confused, he wasn't use to two fucking idiots barking at each other like they were brothers. I still couldn't believe that those two men were my best mates that were infamous for killing people back in London. Idiots. Just fucking idiots.
"How am I supposed to know?! I've been locked away for a week!" Thomas spat back at me, kicking his feet outwards to shake the photo off of him, "Angela has kept her in the village for the last four years! She never made it outside of the church, she was long gone by then and Angela didn't want to risk it by putting her in the main church!"
"What do you mean she was long gone?" I pressed.
"Angela found her homeless, I don't know what happened but she couldn't even make out full sentences and when she did, she flipped out about God coming and finding her husband before it was too late. They had her taken to one of the on-site doctors and they said she had, like, dementia. All she ever talks about is the world ending and finding her husband!"
"I know you..." Her voice shook softly as her fingers curled into a ball into her fist.
My eyes widened. "What? How—"
"Did you see? The church is on fire...." She trailed off, she talked as though it had not phased her, as if she didn't have a emotional connection to this place—or if she simply had been drugged up so terribly that she doesn't know how to properly feel at all.
"How tragic..." I whispered back to her softly, "I'm looking for someone."
"It is tragic. I've lived here for four years, this is the only place I've truly called home..." She whispered back as she continued to step towards me slowly. I let go of the door handle, taking a step back to create distance, "I'm looking for someone too. My husband. Have you seen him?"
Mum?
My mum was right in front of me and I didn't even know?
Tears pricked the corners of my eyes, but I was quick to wipe them with a clear of my throat. If I could have just turned the lights on, I could have seen her. I could have saved her too and God knows where she's at now. After years of abuse from the church, I couldn't imagine what they had done to her to put her in the state she was in. If anything, perhaps it was trauma induced.
Every step forward was a million steps back.
"Are you hungry, Thomas?" I said soundly, pressing my lips together tightly as I pulled out the burger from bottom of the bag. Thomas relaxed into his seat, looking between both me and Pete who was still standing besides him.
"U-Um, yes, thank you." Thomas whispered out while I handed the burger over to Pete, then stood to my feet slowly, "You're gonna let me go, right? I told you everything I know."
I hummed, turning my head as Pete started to feed Thomas the burger in big bites. I took the chair I was sitting in and moved it to the side, then stood in front of Thomas as he continued to eat the burger. I hope he enjoyed it. Genuinely, because it was going to be the last thing he ever ate. Everyone deserves a last meal, don't they?
"I lied." I straightened out the cuffs of my sleeves, swallowing thickly with no remorse flinched upon my expression, "I'm not letting you go."
"Wha—!" Thomas said through mouth fulls, swallowing the food quickly, "You said you would let me go! That I could see my family!"
"I wouldn't get worked up if I were you, it would only make the drugs kick in faster," I sighed, checking my watch. He had about three minutes before the drugs took over him and slowly send him into an overdose, "When your heart race picks up, your blood pumps at a much quicker rate, which means the drugs working through your veins would hit you in--hmm, one minute?"
"Drugs?! What drugs?! You--you motherfucker! You are just as bad as Angela!" He spat, starting to thrash in the seat wildly, which we let him do. He can thrash all he wants, hell, he can try to escape for all I care; it's not gonna stop the three grams of heroine we injected into the burger.
"Maybe," I shrugged one shoulder, tilting my head back as I looked at the light that swung back and forth slowly, "But at least nobody will have to worry about someone like you ever again."
"Y-You think that I'm the only one?!" He belted out into a laughter so loud that it echoed, he was losing his mind as the veins in his neck bulged, "I'm not the only one, Harry! You'll see! Angela has—has a plan! A plan!" Thomas laughed maniacally, kicking his legs as he started to rock his chair, "You'll all die, you'll all die, you'll all pay for your sins—just you wait, Father Harry! Soon you all will be at the mercy of Him!"
Jesus this man needed some serious help. It was sad that I wasn't able to help him, but some can't be. Some are too far gone.
He lashed out in his chair, cursing us all while I nodded towards Pete to leave. The screaming only got louder and louder as we made our way towards the door, until it got softer and softer, more shallow and desperate. The heroine was working just as it intended, a downer to make someone sleep while being pulled under as if you're in a sink hole. The feeling was like falling, but being awake, but numbing. I did Thomas a favor in making his death painless, considering that he's been at the hand of others dying as well.
I turned on my heel right outside of the door, staring as Thomas' body started to still and go limp. The color in his face faded, lips blue and purple with sweat forming on his forehead. Looking at Pete and Niall, I gave them a nod before turning back around and starting down the empty hallway. Sounds of the doors closing screeched once more until a loud thud echoed signaling that the two doors met, and I was one bad person away from finding my mum.
Taking my phone out of my pocket, I texted Ajax to send someone to clean up the mess in the basement.
I didn't want it to stink of a dead corpse, otherwise we couldn't get our security deposit back.
One guy down, many more to go.
Being in the car with Niall was suffocating, I was able to handle it on the way to the warehouse, but being in the closed space with him for too long made my stomach hurt.
He was my best mate, yes, but I didn't know how to come back from what I said. Yes, I'm embarrassed, though it wasn't the first time they had seen me vulnerable like that before. This time it was different, though, because I was very very sober and I let my emotions get the best of me.
When I first met Niall it was at Ajax's house. I had went over there to pick up a mix of weed and pills, that was back before Ajax launched his project with the pharmaceutical companies to help purchase affordable medicines for people.
We got on immediately, he was cheeky and funny, loud mouthed too. I liked him, even if we bonded over drugs it was a miracle that we picked up where we left off when I saw him again. But, we shared a fat line of coke that night and eventually swapped numbers and that's how our friendship started. It wasn't some sort of warm-hearted story, but not all friendships need to bloom from flowers and rainbows.
One of the last times I saw Niall was when I was strung out and sitting on the roof of the bar. I don't know why I was up there, I mean; I suppose I knew now, but at the time my body was on auto pilot and I found myself there.
Leaning over the ledge of the building, my shaky elbows were steady on the ledge as the brisk wind dusted through the back of my neck. My hair was tied up into a messy bun, I was sweating profusely. It was from the three lines of Xanax and Aderall I'd done twenty minutes prior.
I'd be lying if I said that my mind didn't go to a dark place. I couldn't think a lot of the times when I was fucked up, that's why I did drugs. If I couldn't think, then I couldn't be sad.
But this high in particular made me quite sad.
My legs were starting to numb, buckling underneath me as I pushed myself further over the ledge. One arm reached to the pocket of my jacket and fumbled with a loose cigarette before placing it between my dry lips and lit it up. My cheeks hallowed as I took a hard hit from it and dropped my head down.
Fuck, I was really high.
There were so many times that I had been on the brink of an overdose, but this time in particular I had thought maybe mixing those two pills wasn't the best idea.
"H?"
The heavy door slammed from behind me, though my body couldn't react. Niall was standing behind me, watching as my body collapsed against the edge of the ledge and fall to my knees with a loud thump.
"Mmm, yeah?" I grumbled lowly, letting out a huff as my hand placed onto my forehead and turned myself onto my ass, back against the ledge.
"Fuckin' hell..." Niall sighed softly, kneeling besides me as his fingers grabbed my cheeks and turned my head towards him, "White as a ghost. Look at you."
I couldn't muster anything to say. Instead, the cigarette between my lips burned red as I drew it hard and plucked the cigarette lazily out of my mouth.
Instead of giving me a good Niall lecture, he opted to sit next to me in silence. I knew I was a piece of shit, I knew I was a burden too. That's all I was to my friends. I wasn't proud any of the times I was found stealing drugs from them, or the amount of money I owed them from borrowing money just to buy drugs.
"Air feels nice..." I slurred, even if I wanted to comment on the night sky, I really couldn't. I could barely hold my eyes open.
Niall turned his head towards me, a frown fixed on his lips as he gave me a once over. I didn't have to look in the mirror to see what I looked like, I knew my eyes were bloodshot and my eyes were hollow and nearly dead-looking. Along with the thick mess of sweat that beaded down my face.
He said nothing.
Sometimes I wish that he would've said something. I spent a lot of my time feeling nothing after losing my mum and dad. The only time I felt something was anger, and that anger only boiled up inside when Niall or Pete poked at me to get clean.
So, I reached out and placed a firm hand behind Niall's head and pulled him towards me. He didn't resist, his forehead stuck against mine as I let out a hollow breath.
"I'm gonna get better, Niall." I whispered breathlessly to him, pinching my eyes as I concentrated on his face.
He said nothing, only gave me the same sad look he usually did. My hand slid down his cheek, letting out a sigh as it fell to my lap.
"I promise," I slurred, shaking my head, "I'm gonna—gonna get better."
There was a beat of silence before I felt Niall's arms wrap around my body into a full embrace. If I wasn't on all the drugs, I would've felt something out of that hug. Instead, it just felt like tension around my body.
But, I wished that I could feel how Niall was desperately trying to tell me that he was worried.
And then something happened.
Something I hadn't done in sometime. He pulled from my body only to find tears streaming down my face, but I wasn't crying. There was no motion in the sadness I was feeling, only tears that streamed carelessly down my washed out face.
"I'm—" I choked out, shaking my head, "I'm gonna get better, right, Niall?"
God, it was hitting me. This is what rock bottom felt like, if it went any lower than this, then I feared I wouldn't make it. The pain was too much.
But Niall finally spoke.
"Yeah," He breathed, taking the cigarette that was burning to the filter as he flicked it to the side and wiped my tears, "Yeah, you're gonna get better, H."
I did the unthinkable after that night. I got clean and I left.
The sad part is that I didn't even say goodbye. I just left. Recovery seemed better if I just did it by myself and I did. I almost felt bad for dipping like that, but it was the right thing for me to do.
I think Niall knew I was plotting—something on that night. I was teetering on kissing the concrete, if I was lucky it would've let me off easy, but the fall was just enough to break a few bones if I didn't land on my head.
So, yeah, I lied. Niall did care.
I'm just a fucking asshole who can't stand the thought of losing someone else in my life, even if it means accidentally pushing away the people I care the most about while doing it.
Pulling into the parking lot of the funeral home, there were cars taking up the majority of the lot. I usually never got anxious around crowds of people, but this was different because I just drugged someone not even an hour ago and my breath still reeks of alcohol.
I brushed my teeth twice.
Still reeked.
"Alright," Pete sighed, throwing the car into park as he turned back to us. I was already unbuckling myself and ready to hop out of the car before Pete grabbed my hand, "You two," He pointed between me and Niall with pinched brows, "Are going to talk this shit out before you come in here. I'm tired of the awkward silence."
"There's nothing to talk about." I muttered lowly, avoiding eye contact with Niall who was staring at me.
"Don't act like a fucking kid," Pete opened the door, stepping out of the car, "Talk it out. I'm serious. I have a gun on me and I will shoot both of you in the knee."
"Well, it's Harry's fault--"
"I didn't even do anything--!"
"--And he has insecurity problems!"
"--Maybe Niall should've kept to himself!"
We both bickered over one another until Pete clapped his hands together loudly.
"Talk it out!" Pete yelled into the car, then slammed the door shut loudly.
Silence filled the car the moment the door was shut, and now I felt more claustrophobic as ever. It made me think about being put into a corner in school to think about the bad things I've done.
"Well?" Niall broke the silence, staring at me, "Are you going to say you're sorry?"
I scoffed, "I'm not saying sorry, I have nothing to say sorry for."
"Are you fucking serious, H? You threw me up against a wall and nearly had a go at me!" Niall exclaimed.
"And you fucked Anna!" I yelled back at him.
"You fucked Veronica--!" Niall stopped himself, taking a deep breath as I broodily stared at him, "If we keep going back and forth like this, then we aren't gonna get anywhere."
The throbbing headache from earlier was still there, pounding the sides of my head. I didn't expect to have this conversation today, it was the last thing I wanted to fucking deal with. Pressing my head against the cold window, I stared out at the building. I knew Anna was in there, it made me antsy that I was sitting in this car rather than being around her. Comforting her.
"Harry, you're my best mate. I never meant to hurt you, I didn't know that you felt that way about me," Niall's voice echoed. I closed my eyes, letting out a sigh.
"You didn't hurt me, Niall. That's the problem," I muttered lowly, sucking my bottom lip into my mouth, "I was taking out my issues on you and I'm sorry. Really, I am."
Niall shifted in his seat, focusing on me as he placed a hand onto my knee, "Y'know I care about you, we've been through some shit together, you know? If this is as bad as it gets then I'd say we are doing pretty good, yeah?"
"Yeah," I chuckled lowly, "I just, uh...I guess I just wished that..." I trailed off, training my eyes on him. I couldn't believe that I was about to say this, I almost stopped myself from saying it, but the words left before I could think about it.
"I want in," My brows pinched together, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees, "I want to work with Ajax."
Niall had a slight shock, lips parted with his brows raised. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, clearing his throat as he shifted his eyes between me and Pete who was still standing outside the car.
"Have you thought about—"
"Yeah, I have. I want in." My lips pressed together tightly with a short nod.
"Listen, it's not for me to say..." Niall trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck, "You're gonna have to talk to Ajax about it. Have you told Pete?"
"No, you're the only one."
Niall sighed, shrugging one of his shoulders.
"I mean...yeah, are you sure? With your past and all—"
"Niall." I warned with squinted eyes.
He rose his hands in defense, "Just looking out for you."
I sighed, chewing on my lip. I wanted the money, I wanted the luxuries. I wanted to give Anna security and I couldn't do it like this. For her sake, I needed redemption.
"Just call Ajax. He just came back from London, checking on Veronica and whatnot."
"How is she?"
"Better. She went to rehab again for a week or so. They've been keeping an eye out on her."
Pressing my lips firm together, I nodded. I didn't hold Veronica responsible for my relapse, I really did hope that she got the help she needed. But, I just needed her to stay far the fuck away from me.
"We should go in before services start, don't you think?"
"Yeah, let's go." I inhaled sharply, feeling a pang in my chest. I hadn't seen Anna in days, felt like years though, I was more anxious than I wanted to admit. The adrenaline from Thomas has worn off, now I was just riding on pure emotional exhaustion.
Pete was standing outside the car with a cigarette plucked between his teeth, to which I grabbed the cigarette and placed it between mine as I viciously inhaled the smoke to relieve the stress in my chest.
Even if a cigarette would make it worse, it felt right to have a few hits. The smoke bellowed from my lips, some fluttering from my nose as I let out a sigh and flicked the cigarette to the ground.
"Did you guys work it out?" Pete looked between the both of us.
"Yeah, we're good." I squinted at the funeral home, hands finding my pockets as I slowly slithered them inside.
Pete could see the tension on my body. This would be the first time I saw Nathan since the hospital, just for us to have another funeral for Michael tomorrow. This week was already rough, having to mourn the people that I cared about was only digging me deeper into a hole.
"You're okay," Niall squeezed my shoulder, giving me a flat smile, "Alright?"
I nodded, "Alright."
My chest was shaking with anxiety as we walked into the building. I hadn't thought much about the amount of people that were gonna be here, and boy was there a lot.
Emotions were high from the second I stepped through the door. There were people sobbing against each other, others seemed to hold it together while they stood near the casket. It was closed casket, of course, given the state he was in when he died.
There were bouquets of flowers overflowed on top of his casket with people dressed head to toe in black surrounding it, some were being coddled, others were the coddler. A lot of people today was just trying to put on a brave face.
Meanwhile, I was blaming myself for his death, even if they didn't know it—it was my fault. I could've stopped it. It didn't matter in which way that I could've, if I just would've seen through Angela's bullshit earlier, I could've pushed her into the fire and everyone would've been alive.
My fingers picked at my cuticles, nose curling nervously as my eyes scanned the room. I guess I was looking for Anna. It seemed wrong, knowing I was here for Nathan, but all I could think about was just seeing Anna—even if it was just to make sure she was okay.
"Father Harry!" Carol sobbed with her arms open, a weak smile on her lips, "I'm so happy to see you!"
I blinked hard. Carol was dressed in white, the only person in the entire building that was brave enough to wear something so bright to a funeral. It made me think.
The vast contrast from the last time I had seen Nathan's mom to now was daunting.
"Carol," I smiled sadly, setting a hand onto her shoulder as she hugged me, "I'm sure it's a hard day for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you."
"Oh goodness," She wiped her tears from her cheeks with a smile, "It's not hard at all. Knowing my Nathan is up in heaven with God makes me so happy. He's not in pain anymore."
I sighed, giving a short nod.
"Of course."
Her eyes slowly moved from me to the boys that were standing behind me. She eased her posture, taking a step back as she pressed her lips together.
"Are these your friends?" Her voice was soft, but had an edge to it.
"Oh, yes." I nodded, looking back at the tatted Pete who reeked of weed and Niall who was chewing on a toothpick he picked from one of the tables.
Not the best look, I guess.
But we were dressed in black suits, so I guess that counts for something.
"This is Pete and Niall." I cleared my throat, gesturing towards them. Niall stepped forward, layering on the charm as he took her hand and shook it softly.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Carol." He frowned.
Carol sniffled, nodding her head softly as she retracted her hand and shook Pete's hand.
"Thank you for coming. I don't know if you knew my Nathan, but it would mean a great deal to him knowing that people are here to celebrate his life."
"I cared deeply for Nathan. It's such a—" My words caught in my throat as my eyes flickered up to see Anna who was with Gracie, inching towards the casket, "Shame..."
Anna was dressed in a black dress with a light cardigan dressed over her, her hair was pinned up into a bun—she looked good to be sad. At least I knew she was okay.
But then I seen her drape herself over the casket and let out a shaky sob that had her shoulders quivering with each cry she let out and my foot moved one step towards her, but I quickly stopped myself before letting out a sigh.
"Are you coming to the church after the burial? Our new father is giving a sermon on Nathan." Carol broke me from my trance.
"Wait, what?" I blinked, looking towards her, "A new father?"
"Yes, my husband. He's the new father. I hope you have no problem with that, it's just that—," She paused, giving me a tight smile as she blinked blankly, "We decided to go with a new direction in the church. I hope that you join us?"
Too much was happening. I was trying to focus on Carol while shifting my eyes to Anna. I was battling myself, at some points I wanted to step away and go straight to Anna, but I didn't want to seem rude. It would've been rude.
Just seeing her sad like that made my knees buckle.
"Your husband, you say? Sounds lovely," I stared over her, fixing my gaze on Anna, "I don't think I had the pleasure to meet your husband the last time I saw you—"
Now that I thought about it, I'd never met him or even seen him at the church. Carol always sat alone or with Nathan. Unless she was freshly married, I didn't have any idea who was her husband.
"—Who's your husband?" I locked eyes with her, confusion laced in my thick voice.
Carol's bright eyes that were curved into a tight smile in her crows feet slowly dimmed, and with it dimming, her smile did too. It sent shivers down my spine, the dead stare that was now pinched on her face, the slight tilt of her head as she stared at me.
"I think you would know him when you see him."