Lee is standing on the edge of a cliff. He moves backwards, trips and plummets. He moves to the side, topples like a stone. He moves to the front---falls, falls, falls, dashing his head on rocks and getting swept off by the waves, his hand stretched out in a desperate attempt to touch something. He wants it---wants to be saved so badly, but the rushing river carries him away until he's left grasping at nothing but the sweet throes of death and disappointment.
That's a little what Jack's confession feels like.
So Lee doesn't move, because he doesn't trust himself to do so without falling. Instead, he freezes in place. The invisible wall slams down between them again. This time, it's Lee who's built it there.
"Don't patronise me," Lee mumbles, fisting the hem of his dress anxiously. He can sense his heart straining against his ribs. All the blood rushes to his head, nausea flowing through every pore. "You don't need to say this kind of shit just so I won't...do anything stupid. I already told you, I'm not going to kill myself. Don't---don't---fucking---play with me like this---"
"I'm not playing with you!" The words come out of Jack's mouth in a scrambled yell, as if they'd scurried off his tongue a little too fast and tripped over each other on the way. "I'm not playing with you, Lee! I know I'm shit at expressing my feelings and I'm terrible with words and I don't know how to say shit properly, but I'm not lying!"
Lee doesn't reply, keeping his gaze trained on the ground.
"Lee. Hey. Lee, look at me." When Lee doesn't, Jack's fingers slip beneath his jaw and gently lift his face up. Shock fills him at the sight of the tears glistening in Jack's brown eyes, crystal and amber melding into a glittering waterfall. Jack's cheeks are bright red, so flushed Lee worries he might explode. "Look me in the eye and tell me that I'm lying to you. I'm a terrible liar, Lee. You know that. And I'm being serious right now. More serious than I've ever been in my life."
"That's a lot of seriousness," Lee manages to get out, feeling his own cheeks turn pink.
Jack sighs, a quick exhale that's less exasperation and more What am I going to do with you. His arms snake around Lee's back, pulling his shoulders together as he hugs him tight. Lee practically melts into Jack's embrace, pressing his chin into Jack's shoulder as his something something pulls him closer. They stay like that for a while, suspended in the infiniteness of the universe, locked in each other's warmth. Lee's heart thumps, rises, swells, pulse thudding a symphony over his paper-thin skin as Jack holds him like he means it. Holds him like he loves him.
"I'm in love with you," Jack murmurs, something hot and wet soaking into Lee's shoulder. "For five years, I thought I just really, really liked you, but when we kissed on the roof that night...I knew it wasn't just a crush anymore. I've never felt this way for anyone before, and I don't think I'll ever feel this way again. I love you, Lee. I love you so much."
Lee's own tears return anew, dripping down his cheeks as he sobs into Jack's shoulder and hugs him tighter. For so long, he's felt so cold. But Jack's confession ignites the dying flame inside his ribcage, setting it alight and sending it to the stars.
He should say it back. But his words won't make it past the lump in his throat, so he just cries harder, holding Jack like he's going to disappear if he lets go. "Don't lie to me. If you're lying, I'll break."
"I'm not lying. I swear I'm not." Jack gently presses his lips to Lee's face, kissing the tears away from his cheeks. The hole in Lee's heart fills to the brim with warmth, molten gold dripped into a rose-tinted glass. "I love you, Lee. I'm sorry for all the stupid shit I've said---pretending I didn't even like you when I think I've always been a little in love with you. And I don't care if you don't love me back, as long as you let me keep loving you."
"I'm sorry too," Lee whispers, smiling up at the boy he loves through a haze of tears as Jack wipes his eyes dry, fingers hot and slick on Lee's damp skin. "Because I'm in love with you too."
It's then that Jack kisses him, and Lee allows himself to wonder if heaven would feel like this. If it would feel like candied honeysuckle and bottled moonshine and castles in the sky. If it would feel like rose petals in June and chestnuts in winter and the air after a storm. If it would feel like the delicate, salty tang of Jack's lips against his, strong and firm and tender, starlight on his tongue.
How does it feel to fall in love?
Jack's hair is a spill of toffeenut latte down his neck as the rough brown strands tickle Lee's nose, his own bangs long fallen into his eyes in a splash of baby blue and tidal grey. The hot flush of another body pressed against his own sends tremulous ecstasy flowing through Lee's blood, roses blooming in his chest as he snatches the sun from the sky and clutches it in his trembling fist.
It feels like magic.
Again and again, Lee kisses the stars, grass sinking into his left palm as the other presses its fingertips into Jack's cheek, soft, fragile, glass-like. Jack is better-looking up close, somehow---not really pretty, not really handsome, but something more. He's gorgeous in the way that most people are striking, something that stands out in a crowd without really blending together. Like he shouldn't really be attractive but still is.
And what's magic to you?
Jack's hand is in his, and he's not sure when his own fingers had drifted off the ground and into Jack's palm, but he's not complaining. The lines of Jack's hand tell a new story now: the story of how he loves a boy, and the story of how the boy loves him back.
This. This is magic. We---are magic.
"Please don't throw me away," Lee whispers, terrified in the wake of his own emotions, heart swelling so hard he's sure it'll burst against the cage of his ribs, thoughts running wild with all the people who've loved him and left him. He's almost too scared to hope, almost too afraid to wonder if Jack would do the same---if he'd love Lee until his daily dose of love ran out and then leave him without a single backwards glance, just like everyone's done, just like everyone keeps doing---
The hand in his squeezes Lee's palm a little tighter as Jack gently presses his forehead against Lee's, hot breath dancing over their cheeks.
"Never," Jack murmurs.
٩( ᐛ )و
When Lee's finally stopped crying (and Jack's finished wiping his own tears away too, although Lee knows he'd never admit it), he asks for a moment alone with his mother. He expects Jack to argue, but instead, Jack presses a chaste kiss to the top of Lee's head and says, "I'll be waiting for you over there if you need me."
Then he's gone, and it's just Lee now. Lee and the woman who looks just like him.
"Hi, Mom," he starts again, because he's not sure what else to say. "Sorry for making out with him in front of your grave. I think you'd probably have encouraged me doing that, though."
The tension in the air seems to dissipate, crackling away like lightning. Lee hugs his mother's headstone and whispers all the ticks and tocks of his daily life to her, simply because he knows she'd have liked him to. He tells her about his grades ("I'm failing everything except English, Mom.") and about his friends ("Made some new friends while you were gone. They're called Jon and Cory. You'd love Jon. He adores Tuesdays with Morrie. And there's Yumeko---you remember Yumeko, don't you?"). And, of course, about the boy---it's what she would have been the most excited about. Lee envisions curling up on her lap as she sits resplendent in her favourite yellow armchair, rambling on about Jack Sang and how Lee loves him more than the moon and all the stars.
I'm glad you've found somebody, my darling boy, she'd murmur, stroking his head gently. And... she'd continue, pausing for a moment to wipe away the tears from her eyes and press a slender hand to her thin pink lips. I'm glad you've found someone who'll give you all the love I wasn't able to give you.
Because where there's love, there's life.
"I don't know if I can ever forget what you did," Lee admits. "But maybe I can forgive you. Eventually. Because I want to forgive you, but you really hurt me. But it's okay, you know? I know you loved me. I know you love me still, wherever you are. And..." He purses his lips, then stretches his arms over his head, hearing his spine crack and pop. "I think Jack saying that he loves me too has kind of made me realise that I can be loved. So...I know you love me, Mom. And I know I love you too."
He takes a deep breath that shudders through his chest and casts ivory snowflakes over his ribs. "So...yeah. I guess that's it." Lee lets a faint smile touch his lips. "I miss you, Mom. I'll come visit soon." His fingertips brush against the roses he's left on her grave. "And...like I said, I'll never forget, but one day, I'll forgive you. And maybe that day, I'll be able to forgive myself too."
(He doesn't mention that his father doesn't love him anymore. He knows that would only hurt her, and Lee's tired of hurting people. Even if they're long gone.)
When Jack reappears, Lee's already brushing the dirt off the back of his thighs and smoothing out his skirt. "Hey," he greets, wrapping an arm around Jack's broad shoulders. "Let's go home."
You're home to me.
Jack pauses, then requests hesitantly: "Lee? Could I, um, say something to your mom?"
"Sure, but what---"
Jack's already kneeling in front of Lee's mother's grave, head bowed ever so slightly. "Hey, um, Aunty?" he says. "Thanks for raising the best person in the world. I'll take good care of him. And...thank you for loving him." Lee swears he catches a hint of a smile on Jack's face. "I'll take over now."
By the time they leave the cemetery, Lee's already getting a little weepy again.
"Did your uncle return your car?" Jack questions, one large hand firmly fixed on Lee's hip.
Lee blinks. He'd almost forgotten about it. "Yeah. Of course. It was right outside my house the night I went back."
"Good. Was afraid that bastard stole it for a moment, considering how he basically stole you from me." Jack halts, gaze trained on Lee. "I didn't mention it just now for obvious reasons, but you look...um, really fucking gorgeous."
Lee tucks his hair behind his ear shyly as Jack wipes another stray tear from his eye. Normally, he'd say something flirty or remarkably inappropriate in reply---but right now, he's content with just existing. Existing in the little bubble around him and Jack, barely any space between them. "Thanks. Did you...did you mean what you said in the cemetery? To my mom, I mean."
Jack kisses his forehead. "Yeah. It's not really my style to say all that kind of sappy shit, but...you're worth it." His brown eyes almost seem to sparkle. "I really love you, Lee."
In his origami chest, Lee's heart flutters madly, skipping beats until they all blend together. "I love you too, Pref."
"Not a Pref anymore."
"Doesn't matter. You'll always be Pref to me."
"Maybe I just want to be Jack to you, sometimes."
"You don't get a say in this. I'll call you whatever I want."
Jack flicks Lee's nose gently. "Dumbass." His smile softens. "Let's go home, Lee."
Lee grins. "You know what? I'm already home." And then, just because he likes riling Jack up, he asks, "Hey, can we stop by McDonalds on the way back?"
٩( ᐛ )و
When Lee enters the house, the scent of roast beef and mashed potatoes floods his senses, so overwhelmingly unfamiliar it almost knocks him out. When had the last time he'd smelled fresh food been? He can't remember. But now, the scent wraps around him like a warm hug, bringing him back to tables full of laughter and dinner for three. Back to when everything was so much simpler.
"Leroy! You're back!" His father bursts out of the kitchen, sleeves rolled up to his elbows and hair untucked from its usual perfect coiffure. Lee's not sure why the sight of his father actually being at home surprises him more than the scent of fresh food, but it does. "I wanted to make something, but I haven't cooked in a while, so I got one of my coworkers to bring over something she whipped up." He pauses, then adds on hastily, "It's not from Katie, if you're worried."
For a moment, Lee just stands there, frozen in shock at seeing his father so dishevelled. At seeing him at home at all.
"Dad, I don't care who it's from," Lee mumbles. "I just..." His words trail off when he realises he has no idea what to say. I miss you? I hate you? Is this about Mom? Why are you doing this?
"Leroy, can we---can we talk?" his father asks before any of Lee's questions have a chance to spill out of his mouth. Suddenly, his father, the big business conglomerate shucked out of his designer suits and gold cufflinks, looks very small. As if he's just as unfailingly human as Lee is. "Please?"
Lee knows he should say no, that he should run up to his room and slam the door extra hard. But something in him cracks, the urge he's had to actually talk to his father for so long. So he nods weakly and lets his father lead him to the dining table, stopping only by the sofa to give a dozing Socks a gentle pat on the head. And he knows that he should refuse the food to let his father know that he can't be bribed, but the scent wafting off the thin slices of roast beef on his plate have him digging into sweet corn like a starving animal.
How long has it been since Dad and I have had dinner together? Lee wonders, suddenly acutely aware of the fact that he's still wearing his dress and his hair's touching the nape of his neck in a tangled mess. How long has it been since Dad could even stand to look at me?
His father saws lifelessly at his meat for a full minute before finally putting his knife down with a sigh. "Leroy," he says, and Lee swears he catches the slightest tremble in his father's normally steady voice. "I'm sorry."
Lee blinks. Despite everything, he hadn't expected the first thing to come out of his father's mouth to be an apology. "You should be," he manages to get out, because Lee's stubborn even to the end. He hates himself a little for that.
"I know it probably means nothing to you, and I understand. But..." His father shakes his head, sweeping his dark hair away from his eyes tiredly, and Lee's struck by how familiar the gesture is, something he's done himself a thousand times before. "I shouldn't have abandoned you. I'm sorry."
Lee's fork pauses halfway to his mouth, a glistening slice of beef still hanging off it. He sets it down, turning his head away to hide the tears that seem to come all too easily nowadays. "I know you really miss Mom, but I miss her too. Maybe even more than you do. And her leaving wasn't my fault. Even before we knew she was gone, it still wasn't my fault."
"I never blamed you. It's just that...the way you looked..."
"I can't control the way I look, Dad," Lee says softly.
His father glances up, his gaze meeting Lee's. Lee feels a jolt run through him at the fact that his father's finally, finally looking at him.
"I know," his father answers, eyes wet. "I'm sorry." He buries his head in his hands, plate long forgotten. "I'm so sorry, Leroy. I tried to forget about her by burying myself in my work because I loved her so much, but---I neglected the person I should have been loving enough for two."
Lee is weak. He knows that. He knows that even more now as he fights the desperate urge to run to his father and hug him, bawling into his arms like a little kid. It's okay. Forget about it. We can be a proper family again, he'd say if he were younger. But he's older now, even though he's not much wiser, and it's harder to pull the knife out of his ribs when it's already fused with his heart.
"You really hurt me, Dad," he admits, voice barely a whisper now. His words shake, quivering at the edges, lined with all the tears he hasn't cried yet. "I even dyed my hair so I wouldn't look so much like Mom and you'd finally love me again. I told you that already, didn't I?"
"Yes, you did," his father replies, shamefaced. "And I'm so, so, sorry, Leroy. You---you shouldn't have had to do that. I'm so sorry."
Lee stares at his lap. At the hands that ruin everything they touch. At the hands that Jack holds anyway. And maybe his Midas touch turns everything to dust, but...if it's enough for Jack, maybe it's enough for him too. Maybe he's enough. "I go by Lee now," he states quietly.
His father swallows noisily, fingers fiddling with the folds of his sleeves. "Okay," he says finally, soft and pronounced. "Lee."
"I...all this time, I just wanted you to come home. I needed you, Dad, and you just...you just left me too." The words flow out of his mouth like a rushing river, stained scarlet with all the pain in his chest. "I kept waiting for you to show up, and you never did."
"I know. I...really messed up. And I know I don't deserve forgiveness, especially after all I've put you through, but...if you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance, I'll do better. I promise," his father vows.
Lee sits in silence for a second, head and heart warring against each other. Just more empty promises, his cynical rationality tells him. But there's something in his father's words, something so different from empty apologies mumbled over cracked phone screens. Something that fills up all the rooms of Lee's house until it's almost warm again.
And maybe Lee's weak, but something in him wants to try.
"I like boys," he admits finally, and even though he's said it all before, he knows that this time, his father's listening. "And I'm...I'm not really a boy. Not all the time, anyway. And I'm failing all my subjects except English. And I spend more time kissing this guy from my class instead of actually going to school. Still want me to give you a second chance?"
"Of course!" his father yelps, the lack of hesitation in the declaration sending Lee reeling. His father's always been so hesitant, so avoidant, so wishy-washy, dragging his feet and skirting around the edges of Lee's emotions like they mean nothing to him. Hearing him sound so sure makes Lee's heart swell. "That all changes nothing, Lee. I...I realise I don't really know much about you, and...I want to find out. If you're willing to share it all with me."
"It's a lot. You've been gone for a very long while."
"I know. I've got time. I took two weeks off work. We can do whatever you want. I didn't plan anything because I didn't want you to think I'm trying to bribe you, because I'm not. Although I know I've got a bad habit of doing that."
"Yeah. You do," Lee confirms, and before he can stop himself, he laughs. The action surprises him more than he's sure it surprises his father. And then, because he's got a knack for ruining his own life, "What about...you know, Katie?"
"Katie and I are no longer together," his father declares firmly. "I've realised that I need to rearrange my priorities. And...that my kid needs to be at the top of my priority list."
Lee blinks away his tears before they can fall. "Will you take me out for ramen and bring me to the beach?"
"Whatever you want. Within reason, of course. I don't think your principal would like you skipping too much school after your suspension's up. And I'm going to try my best to keep you in school for at least three-quarters of the rest of the school year."
"Even after your two week break from work finishes?"
"Of course."
"What about your meetings? And your clients?"
"They can wait. I've...I've got a lot of missed time to make up for."
Lee licks a glob of mashed potato off his fork. "And a lot of cooked meals. I'm tired of takeout."
"I'll do my best. I promise I'll get it right this time. Even though I should have gotten it right long ago, I swear I'll do better this time. I'm really sorry, Lee."
Lee finally looks up from his lap. "Then...can you give me a hug, Dad?"
He's in his father's arms before he can even finish his sentence. The embrace is stiff, a little awkward, reeking of too much money and too little love---but sincere all the same. Warmth pools in the bottom of Lee's gut and spreads its roots outwards until it touches his fragmented heart.
"I can't forgive you. Not yet," Lee mumbles into his father's chest. "But...I'm willing to give you a second chance. You better not fuck up this time, though."
"Language, Lee." And then his father's hugging him tighter, as if he'll never let him go again. "Thank you. I'll try my best."
Maybe trying's not enough. Hell, Lee knows trying's not enough. But maybe trying's all his paper heart needs, and all Lee can feel is the pure, undiluted ecstasy of finally having a dad again as it sweeps him onto its wings and takes him to the sky.
one more chapter left ack (excluding the bonus chapter and a/n ofc <3) i'm not ready :,)
OKAY SO I CRIED WRITING THIS CHAPTER TOO I ADMIT IT LIKE I DON'T EVEN CRY THAT OFTEN BUT LEE WAS LIKE "Please don't throw me away" and i loST IT LIKE YOU WILL NEVER FIND AN AUTHOR WHO SOBS MORE OVER THEIR OWN WORK THAN I DO
i'm so soft for Jack and Lee ngl :,) like every time they interact my heart is like,,,falling out of my chest,,,did not think i was gonna get this emotional over these two dumbasses but here i am again, crying in the middle of Starbucks
ANYGAYS
MERRY CHRISTMAS MY LOVES!!! (and to my fellow Christians, Blessed Christmas!) HOPE YOU GUYS HAVE A GREAT TIME AND EAT LOTS OF GOOD FOOD AND GETS LOTS OF PRESENTS :DDD GOD BLESS YOU ALL AJSHDJSKSKS
what are you guys doing for Christmas? i'm going to church with my parents and a few friends who wanted to come along and then to my aunty's house for lunch, haha. so whew i'm not gonna be very active tomorrow T_T
ALSO CHRISTMAS SOOKAI ONESHOT DROPS IN LIKE 23 MINUTES SO YOU GUYS BETTER SUPPORT IF NOT I WILL EAT YOUR TOES :< (jkjk but do check it out if you're interested in fluff, love at first sight, and cute boys falling in love!)
that's all from me for now! see you next week with the *gasp* Crackerbox finale! love yalls sm mwah merry christmas babes
(also stan bdc and no that does not stan for big dick cocks anygays all their songs with 'Moon' in the title are top tier)
xoxo, Alex