Kahit sa madilim na paligid, bakas sa mata niya ang pag-aalala at ang luha. She breathes deeply bago tuluyang pumasok sa kwarto habang ako'y gulat pa rin sa presensya niya.
"W-what are you doing here?"
Hindi niya sinagot ang tanong ko at tumabi sa akin na maupo sa kama.
"Ilang araw kitang hinanap, alam mo ba 'yun!?" bakas sa tono niya ang pagkainis.
I've been here for a week. At sa loob ng isang linggong yun, nagkulong lang ako.
"Pinag-alala mo kami! Pinag-alala mo a-ako... nakakaasar ka talaga... ano bang problema? Tell me..." malumanay na pagkakasabi niya. She sobs a bit. I'm making her cry again...
The more I get close to her, the more I hurt her. Ibinalik ko na lamang sa pagkakayuko ang ulo sa mga tuhod ko.
Binalot kami ng katahimikan at sa mga minutong lumilipas, there's something I wanted to say so bad.
"P-paolo left me a letter... before he committed suicide..." I started. Hindi nakaimik si Darlene ng ilang segundo after I said that.
"A-anong nakasulat?" she finally asked.
"I-it's a suicide note, he said his goodbye... leaving everything behind in me..."
That's right. Nakasulat roon lahat ng pinagdaanan niyang sakit. He ranted everything in his letter for me.
"N-nakuha ko ang sulat... ilang oras bago maganap ang pagpapakamatay niya... b-but I didn't read it the moment I took it..." It's because I'm clouded by thoughts about the issue that's been thrown at him. Yeah that's right.
"T-then what about not reading it sooner? I m-mean..." halatang mas lalo siyang naguguluhan sa mga sinasabi ko.
"Nagdalawang isip akong buksan 'yun at basahin. Y-yeah, I did, pero hindi ko tinapos basahin. I-if I opened it right away and read it all... baka napigilan ko pa siya..." my voice cracked after I said that. Something in my chest start to feel heavy and it's making it hard to breath well.
"K-kung hindi ako nagduda... kung nagtiwala lang ako sa kanya... if I ever read it right away then I might've called him on his p-phone... then... if I used my phone that time... I might've..." I looked down and my vision start to get blurry as the tears clouded. Nag-unahan nang pumatak ang mga luha na tumutulo na sa pants ko.
"T-tahan na..." Darlene comforted na ngayon ay umiiyak na rin habang hinahagod ng kamay ang likod ko.
"I--i should've read his messages or answer his calls... I-if I didn't ignored all of it... I--i might've responded to him... Edi sana andito pa siya ... S-sana nailigtas ko siya ... edi sana buhay pa si Paolo..." After I took the letter... kahit ilang oras na'yung andoon... Mali, kung sinagot ko ang mga sumunod na tawag maging mga messages niya. Edi sana napigilan kong mangyari lahat ng 'yun.
"It's all my f-fault... k-kasalanan ko... ako ang may kasalanan..." at hindi ko na napigilan ang sakit. Napasabunot ako sa sarili at umiyak ng umiyak. Ito ang kasalanang pilit kong pinagtatakpan... pilit kong winawaksi sa isipan ko.
"G-gabi... h-hindi mo kasalanan okay? W-wala kang k-kasalanan kaya h-huwag mong sisihin ang sarili mo... ha??"
I shook my head and crouched down. Mali... ako ang dapat sisihin sa umpisa pa lang.
She stood up and kneel on the floor in front of me, pilit na itinataas ang ulo ko para harapin siya.
"I'its n-not your fault. Kahit si Paolo sasabihin 'yan sa'yo. T-trust me okay?" I looked at her in tears at pinahid niya ang mga ito habang hinahaplos ang pisngi ko.
"B-but... I did a m-mistake... Sinisi ko sa iba ang lahat... I seek for someone to blame... I-i tried to believe na hindi ko kasalanan... na wala akong k-kasalanan... I-i pinned someone to something which lead me to even something worst... itinama ko ang p-pagkakamali ko sa p-paggawa pa ng isa pang kamalian... I only seek to someone to blame, to escape this agony that's killing me..."
"S-stop blaming yourself now... Kilala mo si Paopao, di niya magagawa yun okay? H-he won't blame you even if you curse yourself to death... I-i'm sure he won't do it... trust me... trust him..." she said to comfort me habang umiiyak. She's holding my left hand tightly while caressing it.
Umiiyak pa rin ako habang pinakikinggan siya. I nodded and hum repeatedly while covering my eyes with my palm, agreeing on her words that slowly easing the pain.
"T-tahan na okay? Hmmm?" tinanggal niya ang pagkakatakip ko sa mata at pinahid ang mga luha ko sa pisngi.
"Mmmm..." I hummed again and nodded before she stood up and hugged my head.
"O-oh please..." she uttered while caressing my hair at wala akong nagawa kundi umiyak, burying my face on her belly and kept crying there.
Para akong bata na umiiyak na tangan ng ina. I keep telling her everything and rant everything that's rushing inside my head for a month and a half.
After that, I already felt tired of crying. Now I'm leaning my head, resting it on her shoulder while she's rubbing my back. Hindi ko alam na ganito pala kagaan kapag inilabas mo lahat ng kinikimkim at may taong buong puso kang pinakinggan, even witnessing how vulnerable you went, still chose to hear you without any judgment.
"Ayos ka na ba?" rinig kong malumanay na tanong niya. I opened my tired eyes then sat properly.
"I guess so..." I shortly replied. There's a little bit of silence between us before I speak again.
"I hate people. No... I mean other people. Some people will do horrible things, some will hurt and some will become a hindrance for you to attain something you wanted. Sometimes fate isn't the one which decides, oftentimes, people turn things depending on their actions. By that said, some ruthless... will stop others from achieving something in life... and I hate it... I hate that part."
Just like my father ruined everything. The blissful life we had before, it's gone because of him. How he hurted mom, with his relatives... how they ruined the happiness I've craved for years. How I ended up like this, alone. If it wasn't because of them, mom must've experienced happiness until the very end...
And for Paolo, kung walang naging hadlang... kung walang naging sagabal, then there's nothing that'll lead him to do something bad.
As for Darlene, maybe... if no one interfered, she must've had a complete family until now. Her mother must be well, and her father must be by her side.
"... pero tao ka rin, di ba?" Darlene asked, a bit amused by what I've been saying. I chuckle and played with my fingertips.
"Yeah, I am... that's why I loathe myself too... for being the same with the kind of people that I've been hating... tama ka, wala akong pinagkaiba sa mga taong kinagagalitan ko. Paolo already said that I mustn't be like them, yet now... I became one... How stupid I am, I'm crazy thinking this way... thinking that I wasn't the same... I'm so full of myself, making a stupid revenge..." I formed my fist on my thighs, I felt ashamed of myself.
"People make mistakes, that's given, so don't be so hard to yourself. Hindi perpekto ang tao, kahit ang mga mabubuti ay nagkakamali rin. People doesn't have the right to ask perfection to others, only God has..." she said and she's right about it.
"People are imperfectly perfect. We do mistakes, we do have faults, but isn't it made humans a beautiful creature? Kahit na ganoon, pinipilit pa rin nating gawin ang tama kahit natural na sa'tin magkamali. Natututo tayo sa mga mali natin. We feel pain and that what makes as a human, and that pain will lead us to become better and grow as a person... kung nag-aalangan ka sa ibang tao, piliin mo ang mga taong handa kang samahan, at handa mong pagkatiwalaan. If you hate people, then please don't hate us... kaming mga nag-aalala sa'yo, okay?" she said while staring at me and hold my hand.
"T-this sucks... how can you all be so optimistic... Will I ever have one?" natatawa kong tanong but some tears drop from my eyes again.
"You don't have to be. Kung hindi mo pa kaya, then let me lend it to you. Let me be your light, Eve..." she sincerely said and all I can do is nod my head.
"P-pero hindi ko mapapangakong kasin liwanag ng kay Paopao... Kung sa optimism lang n-nun..." I smiled and held her hand, making her stop.
Before, I can't stand optimistic people because they're too bright to be with. Nakakasilaw na gusto kong layuan... but this kind of light from the people around me is warm... that even though it'll hurt my eyes, I'll still reach my hand so they can pull me away from darkness.
I faced her and leaned my head on her shoulder again.
"I'm sorry... and thank you..." I whispered.
"Let's make a lot of mistake if we don't know what to do, at sabay rin tayong matuto sa mga pagkakamaling 'yun, ayos ba?" She chuckled, that's why I lifted my head to look at her, making an unexpected close up to her face. She's a bit caught off guard.
"There's this letter too, a birthday letter for me from him. He said that I must take good care of you..." I said while looking at her face.
"Uhmm... g-ganun ba..."
"... but I've already decided, kahit hindi niya na sabihin." I whispered.
She's about to say something but her lips only parted, doesn't know what words to be said that's why I took that opportunity.
I claimed her parted lips. Feeling how soft it is as it touches mine. Nagulat siya sa ginawa ko, but when I started moving my lips gently, she responded with the same passionate one.
Who would have thought that only this time... I'm too naive... It's just this time that I realized how worthy this lady is to be loved.
In his birthday letter for me, he said, "Kulang ka lang sa aruga kaya ka bugnutin. Magjowa ka na nga kaya? Kidding aside, I wished that someday you will find a girl who'll be with you through ups and downs. Masarap sa feeling na may taong tatawa, iiyak, magagalit, masasaktan at mag-aalala para sa'yo. Yung tatanggapin ka kahit itakwil ka man ng mundo, husgahan ka man ng mundo o magkamali ka man ng paulit-ulit. I'm rooting for you, best friend." and yes, he see through everything, because the girl in front of me have it all.
End of Chapter 33
Someone to be with