I went to the garden. Sobrang lawak niyon, hindi pa kasama ang malaking garden labyrinth na kasintaas ng tao ang mga halamang nagmistula nitong mga pader. It is located at the eastern part of the facility where the first ray of sun came.
Inikot ko na ang hindi maliparang uwak nitong paligid sa labas, but she's not around. I checked the garden benches one by one pero wala siya, and one option left is to search inside the garden labyrinth.
The three of us often visited the labyrinth garden noon kaya't kabisado ko na ang pasikot-sikot, yet after walking the paths, hindi ko siya nakasalubong hanggang sa makarating sa daan patungong gazebo, the heart of the labyrinth.
Nakaramdam na ako ng pagkapagod habang tinatahak ang daan. Suddenly I remembered the number given by Theo kaya't kinuha ko ang cellphone sa bulsa at tinawagan si Darlene, but before I could hit the call button, I saw her in the gazebo. Nakatalikod at halatang umiiyak dahil sa pagkukusot ng mata niya at pamaya't mayang pagpahid nito ng pisngi gamit ang palad.
Still, I decided to call her phone. Nilakad ko ang pathway papunta sa kinaroroonan niya while my phone at my ear, listening at its ringing.
I watched how it startled her as her phone finally rang, her eyes widen as she checked her phone. Nakailang ring pa iyun bago niya mabilis na sinagot ito. I heard how she cleared her throat to compose herself, still though, naririnig ko ang payaka-yaka niyang pagsinghot.
"B-bakit ka napatawag ha?" I noticed her trembling hand that's holding the phone from a distance.
"I'm sorry..." I uttered na nakapagpatahimik sa kaniya. I stopped when I'm already a few meters away from her, enough para hindi pa rin niya ako mapansin.
Napahinto siya then slowly, her shoulders shake and I'm hearing at the other line her faint sobs na pilit niya pa ring pinipigilan.
"K-kung hindi lang rin bukal sa kalooban m---"
"I mean it. I'm sorry..." I sincerely uttered. Walang tigil nang pumatak ang mga luha niya.
"T-then why are y-you apologing by j-just calling? T-try to be sincer--- Teka, andiyan ka pa ba??? Gabi?!" tanong niya nang putulin ko na ang tawag and stood right behind her. I spoke before she could attempt to call back.
"Forgive me..."
Kaagad siyang napalingon at gulat ang rumehistro sa mukha niya.
"A-anong ginagawa mo r-rito?"
"You said it yourself. If I want to apologize sincerely, then I must be here in front of you. That's what you mean, isn't it?"
Tuluyan na siyang napaharap sa akin at hawak ang cellphone niya ng mahigpit, she start weeping loudly while looking at me.
"I'm sorry... please forgive me... I---" bago ko pa man matapos ang sasabihin, she hugged me and cried on my chest.
"N-nakakainis ka... sobrang nakakainis ka! Masamang d-damo... a-ang itim ng b-budhi mo... y-yet I can easily f-forgive y-you... moron E-ve... d-dummy..." she said while sobbing and punching my chest gently.
I smiled, not happy nor sad, just a relief kind of smile. Paolo might've said it in his letter, but I choose to not let this lady cry again, even without his will to me.
"T-this is the first time you called me… p-pero sa ganitong pagkakataon pa. Y-you're the worst…" she murmured.
"I know... i am, so please... forgive me..." i said and hug her tightly while my tears are falling on my cheeks.
*****
The summer will fade to fall soon. Tila ba'y naapektuhan ang takbo ng utak ko sa init ng panahon. A lot of things happened and by now, I'm just reflecting on everything a little late.
The sun is in the 4th hour. The wind blows from the horizon bringing the chill, indicating the arrival of raven. Nagtatalo ang isip kong pumarito, hindi dahil sa layo ng lugar na ito, kundi dahil hindi ko magawang iharap ang sarili ko sa taong nagawan ko ng napakalaking kasalanan. I'm totally deceived by myself, that I've been doing the things that I believe that's right, but only doing something unpleasant and illogical.
"It's been a while, Pao..." I uttered at inilapag ang basket ng bulaklak. After some fight against myself, here I am, courageous enough to face his tombstone.
Umihip ulit ang isang malamig na hangin, na tila ba isang pagbati. I form my fist, trying to get a hold of myself.
"Patawarin mo ako Pao, s-sa mga nagawa ko. A-alam kong may nagawa akong i-isang bagay na hindi tama... a fault that unforgivable in the f-first place... b-but I'm here, s-sincerely regretting what I did... I'm so sorry... Forgive me..."
Dahan-dahan kong tiniklop ang mga tuhod at naupo, bago iyukod ang sarili habang ang mga palad ay nasa lupa maging ang noo na ilapat roon. I closed my eyes tightly while uttering the words repeatedly, kneeling down on my knees and head.
Umihip ulit ang hangin, at ngayon ay dama ko iyun sa balikat ko. I clenched my fist on the grasses at hindi ko napigilan ang luhang nag-uunahang tumulo mula sa mga mata ko. I sobbed in pain, thinking that he's trying to connect with me, I supposed.
"I bought something for you. It's quite early for it but who knows what will happen, I may not be alive when that day comes... yet it's not that you can use it anyway, unless you come out there... so I'll use it for the meantime..." sabi ko na tila ba kaharap ko siya at sumasagot sa sinasabi ko.
I stayed for a while bago tumalikod at iwan ang lugar. After apologizing to him and to his father, I can rest for a bit now...
The next day, I visited my mom's grave. Maliban sa iba, sa kaniya ako mas nagkasala. Everything that she taught me, I busted it. It's a shame to have a son like me... that's what I'm thinking.
Ikinahihiya ko ang sarili ko. Parang ayaw kong humarap pa sa kaniya, gaya ng kay Paolo... but I need to apologize to her. Alam kong hindi niya nagustuhan ang pinanggagawa ko.
"S-sir Eve... buti nakabisita ka!" the old lady exclaimed as she opened the door for me. She's the care-taker of our white house.
A faint smile showed on my face. It's nostalgic how the place didn't change a lot.
Nang maayos ang gamit, sinimulan ko nang ikutin ang lugar maging ang loob ng bahay. Inisa-isa ang bawat parte maging ang mga kwarto sa ikalawang palapag.
The house used to be a perfect home. A lot of happy memories filled this house, from the day I was born 'til I grew up and reached my age almost three years ago before leaving.
Who would've thought that a once comfort zone will become a zone of pain? How playful fate is.
Ang dati naming masayang pamilya ay nasira. The blissful life turned to grey. That thing was unacceptable to me that's why I escaped in this place... yet here I am, seeking something that I needed, seeking something good to do... by remembering mom in this forsaken place shaded by dullness.
Apat na araw ang lumipas. Everyday is a repeated cycle. Nakaupo sa lumbang upuan na paborito ni mama na nasa loob ng kwarto niya, habang nakatitig sa kawalan sa harap ng malaking bintana na bumubungad sa malawak na tanawin ng dagat sa kalayuan.
I don't even know why I stayed here. Maghanap ng katiwasayan ng isip? Lumayo sa magulong mundo? Ilayo ang sarili sa mga taong nagawan ko ng mali? O parusahan ang sarili? Hindi ko alam...
"Sir Eve, kagabi ka pa walang kain. Eto, hinatiran na kita ng makakain mo..." aniya ng nagbabantay sa bahay at inilapag sa mesa ang tray na may pagkain.
"Kumain ka. Kung nandito pa mama mo siguradong nasermonan ka na..." She added na ikinatawa ko ng bahagya. Yeah, she might've done that and pinch me on my belly side.
Sumapit na ang gabi. Ni isang beses ay hindi ako lumabas ng kwartong iyun. All I wanted is to slack off, stare at nowhere but my busy mind is making me tired.
Paulit-ulit na bumabalik ang mga alaala ng nagdaang mga araw at ang tanong na bumabagabag sa akin ay "Paano ko 'yun nagawa?"
I lift my legs, resting them on the bedside. Niyakap ko na lamang ang mga tuhod habang nakatingin sa kawalan. Hindi ko maaninag ang kabuuan ng kwarto dahil sa malamlam na liwanag na nanggagaling sa lampshade. The corners are too dark, yet that darkness resembles how dark I'm feeling...
The silent room became perilous as it let my mind make the noise. Hindi ko akalaing kasusuklaman ko ang katahimikan ng ganito. Pinapatay ako ng mga bagay na nasa isip ko, halos sumabog na ito.
Everyone may not punish me for what I did, but being hunted by conscience and guilt is way scarier. It kills me...
"F*ck life... f*ck this..." I cussed and rested my head on my knees. Gusto kong mablangko. It's like I'm drowning from agony and slowly strangled, suffocating deep.
"EVE?!!!"
I heard the loud slam of the door as it opened after hearing someone who called my name.
I lift my head and look at her. She's panting while looking at me with worried eyes... but I'm wondering why, because my eyes are shedding tears ng hindi ko man lang napapansin.
End of Chapter 32
Forgiveness