Halos ilang oras ko nang iniisip ang nakasulat sa kapirasong papel na inabot ko kay Professor Jed. The content was too overwhelming that my mind can't keep up to comprehend everything it contains. Blangko ang utak at hindi ko alam kung ano ang uunahing intindihin, o siguro ay kung anong dapat unahing tanggapin.
Hindi ko napansin ang sunod-sunod na pagkatok at pagtawag sa pangalan ko mula sa likod ng pinto ng kwarto.
"Tara na, wala ka bang balak pumunta?" iyun ang kaagad na tanong ni Professor Jed ng buksan ko na ang pinto. Wala akong itinugon at tahimik lamang na isinara ang pinto.
Dapit-hapon na at ang makulimlim na panahon na nagbabadya ng malakas na pag-ulan ay binagayan ang itim na polong suot ko, waring sinasabayan ng panahon ang pagluluksa ko.
"Dumating na ang ilang kaanak ni Paolo kani-kanina lang..." Aniya na bumasag sa katahimikan sa loob ng minamaneho niyang sasakyan. Tulad kanina ay minabuti kong hindi sumagot dahil abala pa rin ang utak ko sa kung ano mang tumatakbo rito. Minabuti kong tumanaw sa labas ng bintana at panoorin ang unti-unting pagpatak ng ulan sa salamin nito.
"... gusto ka ring makausap. Tungkol yata 'yon sa gastos. Siguradong magpapasalamat yun sa pagsagot mo sa mga bayarin. Babayaran---"
"No need. I don't need it..." pagputol ko sa mga susunod niyang sasabihin. Nanahimik siya ng ilang segundo bago ko marinig ang malalim niyang pagbuntong-hininga at minabuting ituon ang atensiyon sa daan.
Mabilis na lumipas ang ilang minutong pagbiyahe at nakarating na sa destinasyon. Wala ni isa sa mga estudyanteng naroon ang nakikilala ko, kahit na nasa iisang unibersidad lang ang pinapasukan ko kagaya ng kanila, pero iisa lang ang tiyak, lahat ng narito ay kilala si Paolo.
"...hinihintay ka na niya sa loob." Hindi ko narinig ang kabuuan ng sinabi ni Professor Jed dahil naging okupado ang isip ko sa mga napansin ko. Hinayaan ko na siyang magpatiunang pumasok sa loob ng hall.
Everyone's faces were gloomy. The silence speak how lamenting the situation is. The murmurings around the hall seems like an overwhelming sound to my ears... nakakabingi, lalo na at ang kanilang pinag-uusapan ay tungkol sa kaniya.
Entering the entrance of the hall, the first thing I saw was his white coffin and above it was his smiling face in frame. Maaliwalas at maliwanag, kagaya ng pagkatao niya. Thinking about him made my chest ache once again. As much as possible, I need to clear my thoughts to be able to see his resting face.
Every step I made was too heavy, as if there are iron bars surrounding on it while I'm walking on the aisle. Mas lalo pa iyung bumigat dahil natuon sa akin ang atensiyon ng ilan sa mga taong naroon.
"Andito na si Eve... Hindi ba't magbestfriend sila?" I heard someone murmured near me.
"Oo, pinagmamayabang pa nga ni Pao. May alam kaya siya kung bakit nagawa 'yun ni Pao?"
"Kawawa naman. Hindi niya napigilan kaibigan niya..."
My feet gave up. I stopped in the middle of the aisle. I realized something and it's a f*cking slap again. After all, my courage isn't enough. Wala akong mukhang kayang maiharap sa kaniya... at sa lahat.
I glanced at the front and saw his relatives that were crying at the left bleachers. The mourning is too much for me. The unexplainable emotions within me, this might be a retribution. Mali sila dahil wala akong alam. He's been beside me, yet I didn't know everything. Wala akong karapatang magluksa, wala akong karapatang humarap sa kaniya.
"Eve..." I heard someone calling my name from afar, and it came from the front right seat, and it was Darlene.
I didn't notice the tears falling on my cheeks. I tried wiping them off but it's treacherous, the traitor tears kept on shedding from my eyes. Mali, maling mali ito...
Umatras ako at unti-unti silang tinalikuran at tumakbo palabas ng burol. I found myself running like my life depends on it. Kasabay ng paglabas ko ay ang pagbuhos ng malakas na ulan. I run on the streets without any exact location to go. Gusto kong makatakas, gusto kong makawala. The only sound I'm hearing is the pouring of the rain, my gasping and the loud footsteps I made and the splash of the rainwaters.
I'm too naive. Nakakatawa. Nakakatawang isipin na gusto kong tumakas at lumayo roon, ngunit ang bagay na gusto kong takasan ay ang pakiramdam na nasa loob ko.
I screamed. I screamed from the top of my lungs while running, but I didn't even hear it. Dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa gitna ng skyway, and there, I continued screaming. I did it once again. I didn't even care if vehicles below will have a stop or the people around will hear it. I can't even hear my own voice. I don't even know if my eyes were still shedding tears under the rain. I only wanted to escape, and I'm desperate.
Ramdam ko ang pagsakit ng lalamunan ko dahil sa paulit-ulit na pagsigaw. Nang mapagod at manghina dahil na rin sa lamig na ngayon ko lang naramdaman, ang nagawa ko na lamang ay mapaupo sa tabi ng daan. It's a shame that this is what I can only do, crouch down, hug my knees and watch my pants' soiled hem while crying in silence.
•••••
In these four corners of the room, only the light from the screen of the television provides illumination and the sound from it fills the room with the cracking of the chips that I'm eating.
I spent my days only doing those things, covered by the white blanket, I sat on the couch in front of the TV in the living room. I've been slacking off, doing nothing. I don't even remember when was the last time I cooked for myself, only buying instant food from the neighbouring convenient store beside the apartment building.
I'm pouring some liquor in the shot glass when I was stopped by some knocks at the door.
"I believe, sa'yo to..." The guy in front of my apartment room said ng buksan ko ng bahagya ang pinto. After hearing that, I closed the door to remove the lock chains before opening it again, this time, a bit wide.
"That's mine..." I responded and got the phone as he handed it. Sa tingin ko ay gusto niyang magtanong ng kung ano dahil na rin sa ekspresyon ng mukha niya, but refrained himself to do so, only telling me how he ended up picking the phone and track down my location, asking some people around until he came, finding my apartment room. Soon after he left, the talk didn't last for a while.
I checked the contents and my hands trembled as I saw the text and call notifications. I want to eliminate it, but I don't have any excuse for myself.
"Gabi?" someone spoke behind me. I ignored her, turning off my phone and fixing my eyes on the television.
"It's been three days. Hindi ka ba bibisita-- Pasensiya na, b-bukas yung pinto k-kaya pumasok na ak--"
"Leave me alone." I directly told her, cutting her words. Hindi niya iyun inintindi at nagsimulang pulutin ang mga nakakalat sa sahig.
"Bakit ang gulo dito? Ano bang pinanggagawa mo? Siguradong malinis 'tong apartment mo kung andito si Pao---" hindi natapos ang sasabihin niya.
"He's not here anymore. What will you expect here?" I coldly utter and cover myself more in the blanket.
"Yun na nga eh! Sa tingin mo ba matutuwa siya sa itsura mo ngayon? Tara, lalabas tayo." and she grabbed the blanket covering my head and back but I pulled it away from her.
"Knock it off. Lumabas ka na." may diin ang pagkakasabi ko at naglagay ng panibagong alak sa shot glass.
"Umiinom ka?! Alam mong may sakit ka, ano bang nangyayare sa'yo?!" Inagaw niya ang shot glass mula sa kamay ko ng akmang iinumin ko na ang laman. I hissed and annoyingly grab the bottle of whiskey and start drinking on it.
"Eve, akin na yan! Sabing tama na!" She grab the bottle and tried to steal it. I swing her hands off it and push her away, but she's too persistent to get it. Dahil marami rami na rin ang nainom ko ay unti-unti ko ng nararamdaman ang tama, but I still want to drive myself to liquors.
"It has nothing to do with you...s-so back off!" I shouted, pero ayaw niya pa ring bitawan ang bote. She really got into my nerves that's why I pushed her hard, making her fall on the floor.
"You piss me off..." I hiccuped and finally drink a bottoms up. By that, mas lalong lumakas ang tama ng alak.
"Why are you being like that? A-alam mo, nakakapagod ka nang intindihin!" She's on her feet again at garalgal ang boses na isinigaw iyun sa akin. I smirked and hiccuped before gazing at her amusingly.
"Did I ever tell you to do that? T-tsaka, kailan mo n-nga ba ako naintindihan? Ha?" I mockingly said and, before having a drink again but she hit the bottle, its contents spilled out on the table.
"K-kung ganun, IPAINTINDI MO SA'KIN! Y-you don't even l-let me! Paano ko m-malalaman e-eh hindi ka naman nagsasabi! Ano ba?! A-ano bang problema?! HINDI AKO MANGHUHULA EVE!" she's already crying while shouting those words to me. I closed my eyes to calm myself because she's already pushing me to lose my edge.
"Leave." I stood up and turned my back away from her to go inside my bedroom.
"Nakakapagod, n-nakakapagod nang mag-alala sa'yo... W-wala ka kasing pakiramdam.... W-wala kang pakialam..." puno ng pait ang mga salitang ibinato niya sa akin. I clenched my fist in annoyance.
"THEN STOP UNDERSTANDING ME! STOP CARING FOR ME KUNG NAKAKAPAGOD NA!" I screamed and threw the bottle of whiskey on the floor. The broken pieces scattered in front of her. I snapped. I didn't even expect what I did. I f*cked up.
Her cries filled the living room. Iyak siya ng iyak, yun lang ang sigurado ako. I can't see her well because of the darkness, and my vision is a bit blurry out of dizziness. I'm too messed up to mind her.
"I didn't ask for your care and understanding, kaya huwag kang magmalaki at sabihin sa harap ko 'yan. Makakaalis ka na..." tinalikuran ko na siya at hinintay siyang maglakad paalis sa apartment ko.
"I-if it's all about Paolo, h-hindi lang n-naman ikaw ang n-nawalan eh... A-ako rin naman... Huwag ka namang umakto na i-ikaw lang ang nasasaktan. N-nahihirapan din n-naman ako... Ni hindi ko nga alam k-kung anong g-gagawin. H-huwag ka namang makasarili... NAPAKA-UNFAIR M-MO!" iyun ang mga salitang binitawan niya bago lumabas ng apartment ko. That's quite a word from someone who really don't understand a thing...
End of Chapter 23
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