tw: This chapter contains mentions of suicidal thoughts or actions. Read with caution.
The air was crisp and fresh as I breathed it in through my nostrils. My mind was a puddle of foggy thoughts from lack of sleep, and depressing thoughts about my best friend that woke up so sick just a few hours prior that I thought all the veins in his neck were going to burst from how much force his muscles were using to throw up. Wind whipped through my tangled long hair that was over due for a cut, and I hugged my knees closer to my chest while I sat on that roof that welcomed me back each time I wanted a place to run away to.
The smell of my cigarette in the air was a pleasant change from the chimney smoke and pine needle scent that drifted through the winter skies. The air was slowly changing seasons into the dewy and earthy smell of spring, but not quick enough. Not fast enough to warm up this cold morning that had my best friend heaving up everything in his stomach, and not fast enough to warm those boys in that dorm that I was finding myself worrying for.
One boy was so clueless that it was painful to watch. It was all an act he put on, of course. That messy haired brunette boy was the class clown that used humor to hide his underlying issues. He flirted, teased, and taunted to pretend he wasn't afraid of his underlying feelings. It was so easy for him to wear a mask— until I slip up and he shows his true temper, like when I had mentioned Blaise's mother and his father a short while earlier.
The other was selfless. He'd give anyone the shirt off his back if they needed it. He enjoyed the thrill of the party life and a life of drugs and alcohol to slip away into a more peaceful world from the one we found ourselves in. His only soft spot had light green eyes, a head of black hair, and needed someone to take care of her the way she did everyone else. He needed her as his safe space, and he loved how much she needed him back because it gave him a sense of importance. He had always been overlooked compared to his friends, but not by his girl. He owed her the world. That's exactly what got him into this mess.
Then there was the third of the three stooges. The first boy I had ever felt something twinging under the surface of my flesh for without it being forced by someone else. He was a boy that had managed to capture my deepest desires because that's how the devil works. The bad guy is always the one you want so desperately, hence why I always ran back to Graham. He was someone that drove me absolutely mad, and I hated him more than anyone for how he is. But no matter how insane he made me every day of my life, he was swimming through my thoughts more than my own boyfriend seemed to do anymore. He relentlessly sucked the attention right out of me and left me feeling like a Dementor just drained me of any happiness because of the guilt that chilled me afterwards.
I hate him so fucking much.
And he hates me.
That was how this life was supposed to go, and I had been fine with that.
He was putting in a show last night. Trying to worm his way back in after everything he's done to me. That's what Malfoy does— it's how he was bred and raised.
He's a fucking snake. Cunning, witty, and willing to strike with enough venom to kill just to get ahead of anyone that stands in the way of what he desires to achieve. But with that came a realization that Graham pointed out at dinner just before he left last night. Draco hasn't been going on missions or working while Graham has— because Graham was desperate to see just how powerful Malfoy had grown to be outside these stone walls of the castle. The Dark Lord hasn't called for him, and now he's falling behind the others that joined the army just shortly after him.
He's just using me as his revenge from the failure he's starting to feel. Graham is out there with endless opportunities to get ahead, and Malfoy views me as the perfect plot to put an end to Graham's reign. This will all come back to blow up in my face again.
Just like everything always does.
I didn't know I was crying.
Not even crying— because no tears had escaped from my eyes yet— but I was sobbing, hard and viciously into the wind. I convinced myself that it was for my friend that needed me by his side downstairs in the dungeons. But even then, that was all my fault, too. How could I be the thing he needs when I've managed to ruin his life, too?
I felt like such a shitty person on the inside and out. I was a horrible girlfriend that lied and went behind her significant other's back for my own pleasures. A disgrace for a daughter, that disappointed my father each time I breathed, and disappointed my mother that could see what I have become since she was killed. And now, to top off the others, I did the one thing I didn't think I would ever do— I had failed my best friend.
I had failed at keeping Blaise safe, and protecting him from harm like I had always claimed I would do. Keeping him from this life he wanted to stay away from was my goal, but instead he joined because of me.
Everything was always my fault. It always had been. I was bad luck walking on two legs, dispersing the poor outcomes of my own life into the lives of others now.
"You told me you'd quit smoking."
The rooftop creaked under the weight of his feet as he approached me, silent as death himself— I was just his next victim to claim. The space he left between us was an awkward distance as he sat down. Far enough so there was a distance to begin with, but not close enough compared to the space we had invaded in the late hours of last night, and the early hours of this morning.
The unnecessary touches we had shared.
The feeling of our skin when it shocked against each other... I had hoped this was just something my mess of a head was making up to punish me for my fucking sins.
"Well, I suppose that's not really how it went, is it, princess?" He stuck his legs out to stretch them for a second like they were stiff, using the nickname I had only heard from Blaise. "I told you that you should stop smoking them because pretty girls shouldn't smoke cigarettes, and you basically told me to fuck off in as polite of a way as you could." He chuckled to himself with a soft shake of his head, looking back on the memory. I inhaled a deep breath between sobs and felt my anxiety rising more and more as he stayed near me. I tilted my head to the left so I couldn't even see him in my peripheral vision, but his scent was so strong.
The blonde carefully peeled the cigarette out of my fingers to do with it whatever he saw fit, and I dug the heels of my hands into my eyes now that I no longer held on to the yellow filter that my lips had previously occupied.
Stop fucking crying, Rain.
All you ever do is cry.
You're weak. Pathetic. A sick joke.
No wonder no one ever wants you.
"He's better now. Worn down, but better. You can go see him later tonight when he wakes back up if you wish." Draco's voice was stiff as he tried figuring out a way to get me to relax. I could feel him watching me break down into a million pieces all over again.
I was willing myself to find the strength to keep going on like this. Trying to find a sliver of the goodness Graham used to bring me when I had first started seeing him. But even thoughts of him weren't enough to make me happy anymore. I was desperate enough that I wanted to stand up right now and jump right off the building we sat on.
"It's not your fault, Rook. You didn't cause any of this to happen." I ignored him again and kept my head down against my knees as more and more sobs vibrated my chest and made my lungs feel raw. He's a fucking liar anyway. How could I believe him when he tries to say decent things like that?
"His mum did this to him a long time ago. She made him do all of these things— join this horrible life. She wanted guaranteed safety from the Dark Lord and she knew she had nothing else to provide as a trade except for Blaise. It's her fault he's in this." His hand softly found my shoulder and rubbed it with his thumb.
I hated that he was right about the reality of things. I hated Blaise's mother so much for what she had caused— all of the awful things she was responsible for in Blaise's life. A mother should love and protect her child like her own life depends on it. They should be willing to sacrifice themselves for the sake of their child. My mum did. Narcissa did. Theo's mum did. Hell— even Graham's mother did.
Not Blaise's. She was a filthy coward and I loathed her for this. I would never forgive her, and I hope there comes a day where she rots in Hell.
But it didn't matter if she entered them into the Dark Lord's world or not. He still did this because of me.
"He- he wouldn't have taken the Mark yet if it weren't for me. It is my fault." I wiped my face with my trembling hands and looked back out over the lake in front of us. Cold, murky, and deserted. A place I should've ended up to end all of this.
But the blonde refused to let me just a short time ago.
"He would have taken it eventually. But you're correct, he wouldn't have taken it yet." Draco kept his voice even with the wind, making it almost hard to make out his words. "But he'd do anything for you, and he knew it needed to happen. He wanted to keep you safe-"
"He always does shit like this, and I don't get why." I looked towards the few clouds in the sky and laughed under my breath like this was a sick joke. "I don't know why he bothers wasting his time on me like this. No one else does." I shook my head and bit my lip.
"All the same reasons I know you would do it for him. Because he loves you. Because he thinks you deserve it. He sees something in you that's worth all this pain-"
"I'm not even that special! That's the worst part!" I raised my voice from my frustrations and felt my muscles tense with the force. "I'm not worth this. He shouldn't have done this for me." A silence tore through the world as I let another sob go. Draco realized then how deeply I meant that. How much I meant all the horrible things I always said and thought about myself.
And a small part of him broke when his own traumas resurfaced with mine— making him realize just how disgustingly similar we were after all.
"Fuck— the relationship I have with my boyfriend is a lie. It was forced onto us as a fucking business deal because my father is such a moron, and Graham eventually grew to think he loved me, but I'm not even sure how true that is anymore." Another harsh sob escaped my mouth, making my entire body feel like it would give out from how much pain was starting to show on the surface after letting it bury itself for so long.
"He loves that I do anything to please him. That I cater to him and his every wish or command, and he loves even more that I'm fucking scared of him! I'm terrified of what he'll do to me if I fuck things up and don't- don't do the right thing. This is all because I craved his attention and affection for so long because he had me fooled at first— I thought he was an escape because of how good he treated me in the beginning, and I put him on a pedestal like he was a fucking God. I created that monster that he is. He may have always been that horrible person, but I gave him as much power as he has." I sniffled and wiped my tears onto the sleeve of my sweater.
"No one has ever looked at me and thought that I was pretty or that I had some stellar personality. I've always been the weird nerd with a dead mom and deeply rooted issues that no one wants to deal with. I'm the whore that gets fucked by her boyfriend for sport, and that the other boys know every detail about like it isn't something that should be private and intimate." I could vomit. My gut hurts. My chest. My heart fucking hurts.
I'm so tired.
"Not one single person has ever noticed anything about me because I'm not worth taking the time to notice. I'm not worth that fucking pain that Blaise allowed himself to endure. No one has ever noticed a damn thing about me that's worth it because there is nothing to notice. And I mean no one has— not even Graham. My sweet, adoring, young husband to be. How lucky I am to get married when I graduate from Hogwarts in another year or so." I finally exhaled the breath that had carried out the sarcastic rant I had given. The words I needed to spill for so long now, but never had the guts to say out loud.
The sun was slowly setting in front of us, the reflection on the water making me squint from the burn my eyes already felt. The silence that enveloped us made me want to die because my vulnerability felt shameful.
"Your eyes are a light shade of forest green and look exactly like the moss that grows on fairy trees." Draco said out of no where, making my heart stop completely from shock. I looked over at him with tears still stained my cheeks and pulled my eyes from the view. He kept his eyes on the castle grounds as his face was tinted a soft orange from the warm lighting. The wind chilled my tear stained cheeks as it made our surroundings feel so much colder .
"Your hair looks like it could pass for black until the light hits it, and then it turns into a dark shade of copper. You hate physical touch unless you're expecting it to happen, and you have to sleep with a light on unless someone else is in the bed with you— unless you can physically feel that someone is there to keep the bad dreams at bay and remind you that you aren't lonely. Your bottom lip twitches whenever you're upset, and your favorite time of the day is when you go to see Blaise. You pretend I still annoy you so I'll continue picking on you and you can be convinced we still hate each other, but you really enjoy my snarky comments against you and don't want me to stop. When things get you anxious, you won't eat— and when you do, you overdo it, and that's when you throw it up. You subconsciously bite your lips raw when you dissociate on a bad day, and you smile without knowing it while you read your books. You love reading because it gives you another world to live in. You always kick your feet under your desk to pass time, you stick your tongue out the slightest bit when you write with a quill, you can't stand when Tundra's white fur clings to your black robes, and you won't eat Pumpkin Pasties anymore because they remind you too much of your mum. I haven't seen you attempt to eat one since we were 10."
He finally looked over at me, and his glistening silver eyes held me captive like the purest of diamonds. I stored each word he spoke away in my brain so I could think of it later when I needed it. Those were words that no one had ever said to me— that my heart hadn't felt since I heard my mother speak to me. I hadn't felt anything like this in years.
But he made me feel every emotion in the world.
"I notice." He said in his monotone voice. "Don't you get it? You always thought I was watching you to have things against you, but I was just memorizing details because you were interesting. I have found you so... fascinating— for years. Ever since I met you, I have been appealed by you. I just hoped you were smart enough to know that yourself." He continued, his brows furrowing together. "I notice." He repeated softly, his deep voice falling into a whisper.
What do I do now? How do you react to news like this? There were too many new emotions in my mind. My insides couldn't stop twisting.
He inched closer to me, and I found myself falling right into it, because I wanted it. It was probably another game, or some sick and twisted joke, but I fell for it as I moved onto my knees next to him and closed off some of the distance.
Because I was tired.
His eyes still looked so numb as he studied me. Despite the things he had said— he still looked so cold and thoughtless. His jaw was locked and his brows were permanently furrowed together in a look of anger that left small wrinkles between his eyes.
But his cool hand found my lower back and was delicate as he dragged me closer to him. The touch was the exact opposite of how he appeared. His touch wasn't like anyone else's as it found me. It was gentle, and protective— and it sought me out in comfort.
Comfort that he knew I needed so desperately, and against his better judgment and instincts screaming at him, he was willing to provide it for me.
"How can you justify what Blaise has done for me if you've never loved or cared about anyone? You say you understand why he did it, but you never have. You never would." I accused him softly. Maybe I was too comfortable to be talking to him like this. He didn't look bothered but my bluntness, which I took as a good thing.
"I know."
"I don't trust you, Malfoy."
"I know."
"How am I supposed to believe a word you say? All you do is lie and hurt me." I scoffed under my breath and looked away from him. We were still so close, and his palm still linger against the small of my back. He continued to watch me like I was sent from Heaven to save him— something so pure that he wanted to indulge in.
"You're just doing this to get back at Graham while he's gone. All of this between us is bullshit. I'm falling for it like the idiot I am and as soon as he returns-"
"Don't talk about him." Draco growled quietly. My tired eyes found his again, and I could see his anger and vengeance building behind his silver gaze— could see his mind twirling as his look turned to fire.
I moved my mouth to say something else, but my thoughts were blank as fear trembled down my spine from how intimidating he truly was. His hand pressed against my back and dragged me closer, forcing one of my knees to shift over his legs.
My body moved on its own, and I didn't question its instincts. He watched my lips and pulled me even closer on his lap so he had a firm grasp on me. I let out a shaky breath, but my arms snaked around his neck with a new found confidence and held on.
He slowly shut his eyes and let out a deep sigh to calm himself.
"Never call yourself an idiot because you aren't one. Don't talk about him around me anymore. I don't want to think about you with him." He shook his head and still avoided looking at me. I let my trembling fingers graze his cheekbone and his eyes opened softly to stare at me in front of him again.
"You're so pretty." The words barely passed my lips as I trailed my index finger down his soft cheek to outline his sharp jaw. I wasn't even sure I meant to say it until it was too late to take back, but I felt every word.
"Not like you are." He mumbled back seriously. I felt my breathing pick back up and my bottom lip quivered, just like he originally pointed out.
Maybe it was my innocence that didn't know any better right now.
I just made these things up in my head because I wanted them to be true. That had to be it. Because I'm just naive.
But his eyes were looking at me in that way again. The way only he did. Like he truly wanted to see me. Really and honestly see me. The real me that lived under the mask I wore and the walls I had built.
"I'm so tired, Draco." I pinched my eyes shut and felt my tears run as I admitted it out loud. My stomach pulled into an even tighter knot.
"I know you are, angel." He sounded so caring. "But you just need to fight a little longer to get through it. I'll take it all away if you can just hang on."
The pads of his fingers pressed into the backs of my hips ever so slightly, and I could feel the tether between our two broken souls tugging us together. I didn't ask any more questions or try to make sense of anything.
My lips collided with his with a strong force— just like I had begged them to do for weeks.