Link's hand on me feels so... foreign. Although we have touched countless times, no touch has ever been like this.
So far he hasn't moved his hand elsewhere and I'm glad. Although I don't really know where he would move it, he seems pretty content right now. And so am I, which makes me wonder... Why don't I want this to go any further?
I don't know why. I just know that I don't feel ready. But will I ever? The first time is always scary, no matter in what context. It's the unpredictable that scares me and the fact that I have no experience and therefore can't expect and calculate every scenario and outcome.
I was nervous when I first learned how to ride a horse, I was nervous when I boarded a plane for the first time, even when I entered college I felt the same kind of nervousness. The first time jitters.
And when it comes to Link, there isn't much of a difference there. It's been that way ever since we met. In the beginning, I couldn't even say the words "kiss" or "boyfriend". As we do things more often, we become familiar with them. Flying doesn't make me nervous anymore, neither does riding a horse or going to school. I actually enjoy those things now.
Over the past year, I gradually became more comfortable with kissing and cuddling Link, and calling him my boyfriend. Now making out with him, sleeping in the same bed as him, and seeing him shirtless feels very natural. I'm even getting used to changing in front of him.
So... I mean... would it be so bad if we took it further than this? At the pier, Impa said it is important that I feel ready and that I do it with someone I trust. Those were the two things she said matter. I trust Link... that's not even a question I have to ask myself. But I don't think I'll ever be ready for something I haven't done before.
Link removes his hand, interrupting my thoughts with an unexpected wave of disappointment. I didn't want him to stop yet.
This proves my point. I wasn't ready for him to go there but when he did, I didn't want it to stop. Why am I like this? Maybe Impa was wrong about the first time. Maybe being ready is not part of it. Maybe being ready is the result of it.
"Pretty girl," Link smiles at me without the slightest idea what is going on in my busy head right now.
I try to read his eyes. What is going on in his head?
I remember asking Impa if she thought Link wanted to sleep with me and she didn't even hesitate to answer with yes. But she is basing her answer of her own experiences. Link is not like other guys. Just because Impa has more experience with guys doesn't mean she is right about every guy being like the ones she has been with. Link doesn't care about intercourse, otherwise he wouldn't have stopped right now.
'He probably carries a condom everywhere just in case you spontaneously change your mind,' she said to me. It almost makes me laugh to imagine Link like that. He knows it's not going to happen anytime soon, that's why he removed his hand from my chest just now.
"You okay?" Link asks upon reading my face.
"Mhm," I nod, lips pressed together.
He is gentle and kind. And many people, Impa included, don't see that due to his impassive exterior and thick armor. Sometimes it sure feels like I am the only one who truly knows him.
"Can we talk about something?" I ask, looking up at him.
I know him way better than anyone else. Just because he is a guy doesn't mean he fits in one box with all others. But I should still talk to him and make sure we are on the same page, otherwise one of us will end up getting disappointed again.
I know better now than to keep my thoughts and insecurities contained. Link has proven over and over again that I can talk to him about anything. He always said we can go my pace but maybe he can help me figure out what I want and how far we should go.
"What's up?" Link ask.
I don't know where to start... Should I tell him I don't want to sleep with him? Or just not yet? Or maybe that I do want to? Should I ask him what he expects to happen next? Should I ask him what he wants regardless of how ready I might feel? Maybe I need to ease into the topic. I don't want to give him the wrong impression.
"Can I ask you something?" I should start off by asking about his experience and then I can determine his expectations.
"Yeah, ask me anything," he smiles adorably.
Would it be weird if I just questioned him about his past relationships? I don't even know if he has ever had a serious relationship before. Are we a serious relationship? What even is serious?
What is an easier and less personal question I could start with? How do other guys do this with new girlfriends? What did Impa say about other guys again?
'No matter how gentle, men ain't patient.' Great advice, Impa, thanks for nothing.
"Are you going to ask?" Link laughs.
"Sorry I was thinking about Impa."
"Impa?" He raises a brow. "Right now?"
"She said something about the way guys function and I just remembered what it was."
"What'd she say?"
"It's stupid." And definitely not helpful in this situation. "She pretty much said guys just want the one thing and can't wait."
"That's not really true."
"I know," I smile. I have the best proof right in front of me. Or... on top of me. "Don't read too much into this, I'm only asking to prove a point. But guys don't actually bring condoms wherever they go, right?" Okay that sounded way too weird said out loud!
"No." He shrugs. "Maybe some."
"Really?" He shrugs again. "What about single guys?"
"I wouldn't know, I'm not single," he laughs.
"Have you ever done that?"
Another shrug. "I guess, yeah."
Did he just answer affirmatively?! Where did my voice go?
Link looks confused, probably because I'm staring at him in utter shock. This is not the answer I expected and surely not the reaction he expected.
"Do you still do that?" If he shrugs one more time--
"Sometimes."
"What?"
And there it is: another shrug. "Mhm," he he says impassively and adds, "I don't bring one everywhere I go," as if that changes anything.
"But you have one?"
"I don't use it, obviously."
"But you have one?"
"I guess."
He has to stop using that word or I'll lose my mind.
"Why?" I ask in a high pitched voice.
He's still lying on top of me, and although he's holding himself up, I find it incredibly difficult to breathe. I don't know what to think about this. Was Impa right?! Is he like other guys? No, he's different, I know he is!
Who am I kidding? He's mentioned multiple times that he would sleep with me if I wasn't holding back... why is he even still with me if I can't give him what he wants? He's been waiting and I've been pulling away at every chance...
Or maybe it's not intended for me at all. Perhaps he is way more experienced than I thought. Maybe it's an old condom from a previous relationship... I think I'm going to be sick...
"Is that... a problem?" Link asks, growing slightly nervous.
"Of course not," I answer unsure. "Please get off."
"What?"
"I can't breathe." I nudge him lightly until he obliges and sits up next to me, yet the weight on top of my chest stays.
I still can't breathe properly and I am trying very hard not to panic. This is not a reason to overreact... I want to stay calm. It's cool. It's normal at our age. It's really not a big deal. I'm just insecure and jealous... That's all...
"Talk to me, what's wrong?" he asks caringly.
"Nothing," I lie. "It's fine."
"You sure?"
"No, yeah, it's fine, really. You can do whatever you want."
"I'm not sleeping with anyone else," he quickly defends.
"I know, that's not what I meant." I sigh and sit up to catch my breath. "I just didn't know. I thought you're not like other guys."
"What?" His brows crease in a mixture of confusion and hurt. "Like other guys? What do you mean?"
"That came out wrong. It's just surprising, that's all. It's not a big deal." It really isn't. It's a normal thing according to Impa. A girl that is very much not normal. Ugh, keep your cool, Zelda.
"What do you mean by 'not like other guys'?" He wants to know.
"I didn't mean anything by it."
"Clearly you did."
Why are we arguing again? It feels like we are coming across more and more problems recently that shouldn't even be problems. Is the honeymoon phase already over? Is this just normal for a relationship? Or are we not working out? This is so exhausting and scary. I don't want to get into a serious argument while living at his parents' home 9000 kilometers away from California.
"I didn't mean anything by it, I promise. I don't know why I even asked to begin with. Impa just said something dumb and I wanted to prove her wrong which is childish and... I just didn't expect her to be right. But it doesn't matter. I know you're not using it, I suppose I'm just confused as to why you would have it in the first place."
I wait for him to say something in return but he doesn't. I was expecting him to explain why he has that thing or for how long he has had it... I suppose neither of us really wants to talk about that right now. I really just wanted to talk to him about us taking the next step but if Impa was right about Link having a condom just in case, I should let him know that I'm not ready to go all the way yet...
"I'm not going to sleep with you," I say, minding eye contact.
"I know," he says impassively, leaving me to guess whether that disappoints or relieves him. Although... I don't really have to guess.
"I'm sorry," I mutter. "I'm sorry for asking. And for not being ready."
"Ready for what? To sleep with me?" Embarrassed, I turn my head away and nod. "I told you it's okay. Haven't I make it clear to you that we don't have to? Have I been pushing you in any way?"
"No. But..."
"Is it because of me touching you? I thought you wanted to. You took my hand and put it there."
"I know. It was fine. I liked it."
"Then I don't get why you're being like this right now."
"And I don't get why would you have that... that thing. Ugh, never mind! Let's just drop it."
"I've had it since before we met," he finally reveals. Does that mean he... with someone else? "I can throw them away if you want. I really don't care about it. It's not that deep."
"No, it's okay," I mumble.
"I thought I was taking it slow but apparently all this is still too much..."
"All this? Are you referring to our relationship?" I whimper. "It's not too much, it's not! I'm sorry!"
"Obviously it is," he sighs. "I'm really trying to be patient but–"
"You are! You've been nothing but patient," I frown.
"Then why are you still worrying about this? It's like we can't even get close without you panicking. I'm not some beast who's thinking about sex 24/7. I like you for you, not your body. Get that in your head."
"I know that! I do... But..."
"Is this about Karusa?"
"What? No!" I squawk disgusted. "This has absolutely nothing to do with him. I haven't even thought about him! I just know that you want to do it. Maybe not 24/7 but... You said it yourself... You'd like to sometimes, and I... I don't want to disappoint you... I feel pressured but it's not your fault."
"Jeez, Zelda..."
"I'm sorry... I just want to be honest with you. I want to make you happy I just... I'm just a little insecure..."
"If you don't want to do something, don't do it just to please me. I want you to actually enjoy the things we do. I don't want to do it just for me."
"I know..."
Suddenly, Link gets up from his bed and walks over to his closet while taking his shirt off. Why is he undressing?
"What are you doing?" I ask him.
"Getting ready for bed, it's late," he tells me coolly.
"But.. We're not done talking."
With his back turned toward me, he answers, "I'm tired."
"Link... How are we supposed to solve problems if you just... walks away from them?"
He grabs a new shirt from the dresser, then walks to the door. Ready to leave the room, he asks, "What do you want me to say?"
"I want us to be able to talk about things..."
"We are. We just did. You don't want to do it and that's fine. What else do you want me to say? That it's not fine? I told you a million times I'm okay waiting. I'm sorry if I push your boundaries sometimes but I never asked you to do anything physical with me or forced you to do anything. I tell you all the time that whatever you want to do is fine by me and somehow you still think you owe me or some shit. Even when you tried to sleep with me at Kafei's bachelor party, I didn't do it because I knew you weren't ready. I don't know what to say or do to convince you that I don't have a problem waiting. I honestly think you struggle more with waiting than me."
I'm a bit shocked by his words. It takes me a second to form a response. "I just want to make this work and be a good girlfriend. I'm trying my best to be what you want me to be. Why does that make you so angry?"
"I'm not angry? I'm literally telling you it's fine and you're making a problem out of it."
"I'm sorry, okay?"
"Well for the millionth time: it's fine."
He is acting like a brat! With a shrug of his shoulders he is ready to leave the room like this. I just want to scream at him that I love him and then kiss him until he stops giving me attitude.
But I can't really do that. His first I-love-you was driven by anger and frustration and I didn't like that. It just made things more uncomfortable and complicated. It felt like he played the love-card as a last resort to keep me from walking out the door. In the future I can't resolve issues just by screaming I love you at him. So I have to find another way.
I get up in a swift motion, march across the room, rip the shirt out of his grip, toss it to the floor with force, and hurl my arms around his back. With my face buried in his shoulder, I now hold my breath and bite down on my teeth. Stiff and motionless, Link remains standing by the door, allowing me to hug him so tightly that I can feel his pulse against my face.
"I don't want to fight!" I whisper, eyes shut to keep the tears at bay.
It takes a couple of seconds, but his posture relaxes slightly as he lets out a small sigh. He places his hand on my back and rubs it faintly. It feels a bit forced but I can tell he is dropping his armor.
"Me neither, sweetheart."
"I don't want you to be irritated by me..."
"I'm... I'm not. I'm sorry, I guess I did get a little annoyed," he says in a low voice, making my heart drop 10 stories deep. "But I'm not annoyed at you. I'm annoyed at the situation. I don't care that you're not ready to do stuff, but you keep thinking you're not good enough and that you're scared of disappointing me. It pisses me off that you feel that way. Makes me feel like I'm pressuring you or something... It kinda just makes me feel like a failure more than I already do. Lately I've just been failing at so many things like school and sports, I don't want to fail as a boyfriend too."
"You're not! You're an amazing partner..."
"I'm trying to be patient and understanding and all but every time you bring this stuff up I feel like I'm failing at making you feel comfortable."
"You aren't failing. I promise. I'm sorry. I'm more comfortable with you than anyone else."
"I won't ever make you do something you're not ready for."
"But that's the thing... I don't think I'll ever be ready."
"Hm...?"
"I mean, maybe we should just..." I stop myself before I say something I'll regret.
He patiently waits for me to continue. I don't know what I want or what I'm ready for, and I don't think either of us should make that decision right at this moment.
I definitely want to loosen up a little. We have been together for a long time now and it's clear that I can trust him unconditionally. I thought I wasn't ready to kiss, cuddle, or change in front of him. Turns out I always have been ready, I just didn't know it until I did it.
"I want to go further," I say under my breath. "Just not all the way."
I take a step away to look him in the eyes. He looks a bit flustered but forgiving nevertheless. My hands reach for the hem of my top to pull it over my head. I drop it next to Link's shirt on the wooden floor.
"Uh... Zelda?" He questions my actions, studying the two shirts on the ground. I remove my bra, trying not to overthink it. Now we are both shirtless and somehow it just feels right. Everything else about this whole situation feels wrong but somehow my upper body and his upper body like this doesn't feel wrong.
"It's not what you're thinking," I say and step closer again. "I'm not going to sleep with you tonight. But maybe–maybe we could just start with this? I like being close to you. A lot. And I like it when you hold me."
"Oh, okay," he blushes.
"I liked what you did earlier too. I'm just not used to many things yet."
"Okay," he mutters, not taking his eyes off of mine.
"Can we just start like this?" I ask, gently driving my hand over his chest and stomach. "For now?"
"Um–I mean..." He looks down between us to follow the movements of my hand.
"Would that be okay?"
He shakes his head slightly.
What did I do wrong this time?! I thought it would be good to ease into it. I thought of it as a good compromise... So why doesn't he seem excited?
"You don't want to?" I ask with an utter loss of confidence.
"I do, but–well–my room doesn't have a lock." His eyes hint toward his hand, which is clutching to the door to make sure it stays shut while I'm standing in front of him in nothing but my panties!
"What?!" I choke and pick up my shirt in a heartbeat to cover my chest! "You could have told me sooner!"
"I didn't expect you to just strip out of nowhere!" he laughs. Finally the mood seems to shift to the better.
"Lower your voice! Your family will hear us!" I whisper aggressively.
"They don't speak Panic," he fires back in an even quieter whisper.
"Somebody could have walked in!"
"Everyone's asleep."
"People wake up to get water or use the restroom!"
"We'd have bigger problems if my family came in here to take a leak."
"What if your sister walked in? She'd tell your parents that she saw us without clothes!"
"We'd kidnap her and bribe her with mochi!"
"Be serious!" I lightly slap his arm.
"Help, I'm getting assaulted!" He rasps in a low volume.
"Shh!"
"Heeelppppp!"
"Get dressed," I demand, hiding my amusment.
"I was gonna get dressed 5 minutes ago but then you ripped my shirt away from me."
I pick it up from the floor and press it into his grip. "There. Put it on."
"Sir, yes, Sir," he salutes.
Dork.
He gives me a cheeky smile. I roll my eyes and walk back toward the bed to put the photographs back into the box. I need a distraction from everything that just happened.
"What are you doing?"
"Making sure these photos stay in good condition."
"Are you about to go to bed?"
"Yes? Aren't you?"
"Guess so."
"You were the one who got up and said he's tired."
"Yeah but..." Two arms snake around my waist from behind right before he plants a couple of attention grabbing kisses on my shoulder and cheek.
How did we go from looking at pictures, to him wanting to quit athletics, to us making out, to us fighting, to this, without coming to a single conclusion? I hate not resolving things. But I hate fighting even more. I guess for now this is fine.
"But what?" I giggle when he gives my neck a gentle kiss. Did I just giggle when he kissed my neck? It tickled! It didn't hurt one bit. I didn't even think about Karusa. Well until now.
"Are you sleeping in my bed tonight?" Link asks.
"I suppose so."
"Want me to join?"
"Not with your sister barging in in the morning."
"Think you'll last the whole night without cuddles?"
"Only one way to find out," I smirk, pulling back the blanket.
"Alright," his hug loosens and he steps away. "Do you want to use the bathroom first?"
"You can go ahead, I need to grab some clothes to sleep in."
"The guest usually takes a bath first so they can have the best water."
"Too bad your family is home. Otherwise we could just share it," I remark playfully.
"Do not joke about that, you full well know I'd get rid of them to take that shower with you," he says in his most serious tone.
"Get rid of them how?" I ask disturbed.
"It's better if you don't know," he answers, probably trying his best not to fall into laughter.
"It's not a shower though," I giggle. "It's a bath."
"You're driving me crazy, woman. One moment you're flipping out and turning all red when you mention a condom, next moment you're teasing me with showers and baths like it's nothing."
"It entertains me," I laugh.
"And tortures me," he returns with a smiles.
I feel better with us joking around. I never expected to get into a fight when I asked him a silly question. I'd like to pick up the topic again one of these days but with a more relaxed mindset. We still didn't talk about how far we should go.
I think it could help me worry less about it all if we set boundaries while also taking the next step. That way we both get part of what we want. A good compromise. Maybe we can find a good compromise for his career dilemma too. I'd like to help him with that in any way I can.
Link leaves the room soon after that to take his solitary bath. When I'm done changing into sweat shorts and one of Link's oversized t-shirts, it's my turn in the bathroom.
Having brushed my teeth and taken off my makeup, I quietly head back to his room. He is already lying on the futon on the floor, scrolling through his notifications. He has so many instagram notifications. Quite the opposite of my notification feed.
My stomach twists as I remember seeing Karusa's message request on my homescreen. I wonder if he ever tried texting me again after Link made me block him. I still don't understand why he texted me in the first place.
I suppose there are a lot of things I don't understand in the world. So many people confuse me, all the time. Maybe I am just horrible at reading people. Maybe talking to the school therapist will actually help me figure out some of the issues I have when it comes to communication.
But... perhaps I can solve some of my life's mysteries myself for now. Of course I won't become a master at reading people overnight, but some answers can be found simply by asking the right people...
So... Maybe... I should just ask and begin to understand the people in my life. Just like I did with Link tonight. Asking questions is the only way to get answers.
I lie down in Link's bed and pull the blanket up to cover my body. He turns the fan on before he hits the light switch.
"Goodnight beautiful," his voice sounds through the dark.
"How do you say goodnight in Japanese?" I ask.
"Oyasumi," he says.
"Oh right. Oyasumi."
The night falls into silence and the whole world seems to stop spinning for a single moment. My heart is racing as my mind clings to the idea of doing something absolutely irrational. Phone in hand, I swallow this painful chunk of anxiety that is sitting in my throat and open Instagram.
Don't do it, my subconscious tells me. But if I always hold back in life, I will never move forward... It's time for me to stop overthinking and start taking action. If I want answers, I have to go get them. As scary as it may seem, I'll be ready once I've done it.
I unblock Karusa's account and open our chat. His *Hey* is still there. My thumbs move over the keyboard to type *Hi* but I quickly decide to delete it.
I'm not here to chit chat. I'm here to understand why he thinks it's appropriate to reach out to me. Unless he is planning to apologize, he has no reason to text me.
Part of me wants to insult him, threaten him, and make him feel the way I felt in any way possible. But I have to tame that inner monster of me. He can't hurt me while I'm in Japan. He can't do anything. He's weak and pathetic. And I am the one he should fear, not the other way around.
*What do you want?* I type and hit send.
I felt aberrantly calm and confident while sending the message but now my heart is drumming against my ribcage and beckoning nausea is pushing my anxiety back up my throat.
What have I done...
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thank you for your continuous support <3 i love you guys