"It is true that I am endowed with an absurd sensitiveness, what scratches others tears me to pieces" (Gustave Flaubert)
KYLE'S POV
Alexander was sitting just outside of his tent, his legs crossed at his ankles and a pleased expression on his youthful face. He looked very casual right now, bathing in the sun as if they weren't currently at war and their lives were not at risk.
At any other given time, Kyle would have scold him for not be training with the others but today was different. Today, he needed his help and he had a feeling Alex was going to enjoy this sudden shift of power. Oh yeah, he's definitely going to enjoy it very much, Kyle thought bitterly.
The young man almost jumped when he saw Kyle approaching his tent with a decided expression on his face.
"Kyle! What a pleasure!" Alex exclaimed with a little too much enthusiasm. "Lovely day, isn't it? Do you have any idea where the others might be? I was dying to go training with them but they've all disappeared, such a pity!"
"Cut the crap already", Kyle sighed. "I am not here to kick your ass. For once, I need your help".
" You need my help?"
"Yeah, yeah, I know, can't believe it's finally happening, right? So, I won't beat your ass for lazing off but in exchange I need you to do something for me".
But Alex was no fool and he raised his chin with a smirk:
"Careful, Kyle. I don't particularly like blackmail and I have a feeling that what you are about to ask me is not exactly legal."
"Thats' not-"
"I don't think the Alpha would kick me out for taking a nap." Alex interrupted him, his voice now oozing with confidence. "You, on the other side, have some naughty plans in mind I am not sure I want to be a part of"
Kyle sighed, looking defeated and even though Alex should have been pleased to finally have the upper hand, he wasn't. Kyle might be an asshole but Alex was convinced he did not deserve half of what had happened to him. And, after all, just like his favorite character in tv shows, Alex had "a tender spot in his heart for cripples and bastards and broken things".
"Spill it out, buddy." Alex eventually declared. "You might as well tell me now, before our beloved alpha decides to look for his new mate and thus interrupts our friendly chat."
Kyle nodded, feeling Alex's curious eyes on him. He hated asking for help, especially on such a sensitive topic. Yet, he could no longer bear with his current situation. Surely, his mind being so dirty was linked to his Submissive condition.
His mind had been going to all kind of places since the One's Eyes shocking revelation, and he could not have that. The confusion, the anxiety, the pathetic desire to be loved and, worst of all, the dirty thoughts.
I cannot be dirty. I cannot be so unworthy of my mates, although our 'love story' is doomed to failure. I need more control over my body. I need the suppressants. My uncle was right. I can't go on without them.
"I need help." Kyle eventually whispered, uncertain of the way he could convince Alex to help him without sounding like a total freak. "I'm... feeling again. I need suppressants, the strongest you can find"
"Excuse me? Come again?" Alex exclaimed, not bothering to keep his voice low.
"Alex, I know I have not always been nice to you..."
"That's the understatement of the century" Alex snorted.
"ANYWAY. I will do anything in exchange. Just please you're... the only one I can talk about this. You're the only one in this pack who has been there for me, in your own way. Please, Alex".
Alex was silent for several excruciatingly long minutes, before he eventually asked:
"So you want suppressants because you're FEELING? And what are you feeling, may I ask?"
"You won't give up that easily, won't you?"
"Nope. I am, after all, your friend in a very twisted kind of way. You need to be completely honest with me If you want me to take such a big risk for your sweet ass"
That was only fair. Suppressants were supposed to be forbidden drugs in their pack. Only the mildest forms were still used for medication purposes - for instance, when teens went through puberty and experienced particularly intense heats. But even for these types of suppressants, you needed the pack doctor's prescription.
By looking for powerful suppressants, Kyle was not only disobeying the rules, but asking Alex to do the same. The other wolf deserved to hear the truth - well, some of it, at least.
"Okay." agreed Kyle. "Well, here's the story: my uncle used to give me suppressants when I was a kid and I have been taking them until now."
Alex was now looking at him with wide eyes, his expression a mixture of concern and disapproval. He opened his mouth, obviously to ask something, so Kyle quickly resumed with his explanation:
"Problem is, their effects are wearing off and now I'm feeling like - like I'm going to break any time. And it can't happen."
"Kyle...."
"We are at war, though you don't seem to quite realize it." he stressed. "And as everyone hates and fears me, I can't afford to appear weak, espeacially now" he paused, only now realising he had been talking faster and faster - making it seem like he was indeed already loosing control. "Okay, so can you help me?"
"Hu-hu. I am sorry Kyle, but I need much more details. You know that the stronger the suppressants, the more dangerous the side effects"
"I am well aware of that, thank you doctor".
But Alex would not let it go. The curiosity still lingered in his eyes, now mixed with pity, a feeling Kyle resented.
"Kyle", he continued cautiously. "You know why people take suppressants, right?"
"Of course, I know. I don't live on another planet - unfortunately".
"Are you, by any chance, a Submissive?" Alex asked carefully, looking at him straight in the eye with an unusually serious expression. "That would actually explains a lot things, now that I come to think about it".
"No. Of course not! Me, a fucking Sub? How dare you?" Kyle was getting angrier and angrier, his whole body trembling uncontrollably but Alex never knew when to back off. The boy never learnt his place.
"I want the truth, Kyle"
"Yes" he mumbled, knowing that Alex wasn't going to help him if he thought Kyle was still hiding things from him, and boy, was the other wolf perceptive.
"Yes, what?"
"I am a Sub- submissive." - Goddess, this word did leave a sour taste in his mouth. "Happy?" he growled.
"No, I am not" Alex sighed. "You know you should be talking about that with your mates, not me"
This was going better than expected. Alex still looked very concerned, but at least, he wasn't patronizing about it. He wasn't threatening Kyle to disclose his secret, nor was he looking down at him.
"They don't know anything." Kyle admitted. "And I haven't had many opportunities to talk to them in the last few days anyway."
"You mean you've been running away, like you always do whenever someone gets too close? They're your mates, Kyle. And I know for a fact that they are worried about you."
"No, they're not"
"Why are you hiding your subgender from the rest of the pack, let alone your mates? It's nothing to be ashamed of".
Here it went, again. The talk on subgender. Kyle knew that Alex, just like Nate, had good intents, and treated Subs with the same respect he did Doms.
Just like Darren.
Just like everybody else in the pack.
Kyle himself didn't have any problem with anyone being a Sub.
Except himself.
He knew how illogical and hypocritical it sounded. Yet, as his uncle had told him many times, he was different from the other Subs.
Something about him was disgusting. He was a Sub, but a disgusting one. What had happened years ago with Nate had confirmed it.
The same went for today. He thought Nate wasn't afraid of him anymore, but he still seemed a little wary sometimes, and couldn't be blamed for that.
When Kyle had gotten angry at him for not telling him more about the dream, Nate had flinched and taken a step back. Nate was wary of him, while Kyle was peacefully having sex dreams about him. There was nothing more vile than that.
"Okay, enough with the pity party, Alex. Are you going to help me or not?"
"Fuck, if they find out, Darren and Nate are going to skin me alive but... yes, okay. I'm in"
It was Kyle's turn to eye his friend with a shocked expression. "Really?"
Alex gave gim a small smile "Yeah, really, my baby sub"
"Alex, if you dare call me that again, I will break your..."
"I have two conditions, though"
Kyle didn't care about the conditions. He would do anything. All that mattered was the Suppressants, and making sure nobody else, apart from Alex, would find his secret.
"Yeah?"
"First, enough with all this intense training." Alex declared with a severe voice. "You've been indulging into self-harming for too long"
"Don't be silly. I haven't been self-harming. Listen - "
"No, you listen to me. There are thousand ways of harming yourself, and cutting is just the most known. Some people burn their hands, they bang their heads on walls, but they can also stop eating for days, or they eat way too much."
He wanted to escape - escape Alex's words. He wanted to run again, but by doing so, he would only prove his friend right.
"Others are workalcoholics, some of them - just like you- train from dawn to dusk as a way to keep their dark thoughts away."
"Alex..."
"But it doesn't work. Not in the long run. I know how it feels, too." Alex continued, his eyes now briming with tears. "You know it doesn't help, you know that when the pain starts to fade, it's gonna be even worst, and that somehow your body will remind you that you are not fine, that you are weak and way too fucking vulnerable."
Alex's words were strangely accurate. How could he describe what Kyle was feeling with such clarity?
"At that point you will start hating yourself even more, because you believe you don't have a good enough reason to harm yourself. If you ever find a friend you can be open with, that's what they are going to tell you, thinking that they are actually helping you: "Stop it already, some people have it far worst than you and do you see them complaining?"
"Alex, that's enough"
"And when you are not harming yourself, you keep thinking about it. Most of the time, it is just a thought hidden in the furthest corner of your brain, but it's always there. Once you've done it, it's very difficult to turn back time to your happier self. Because every so often, when your life is spiralling out of your control, you find it very hard to resist the temptation of harming yourself again."
Kyle was now sitting in a stiff silence, unaware of the way his nails were digging into his palms.
"The reason is that deep down, you can't help but hope that once you've hurt yourself so deeply that you've reached the bottom of the lake of angst, things are going to get better. Somehow, self-harming will help you getting better. There is no logic in this thinking but you're already convinced it's true"
Alex took a deep breath and the two friends look at each other in silence, not daring to even move their little toes. The atmosphere between them was tense. A lot of things had been said - and a lot more was still left unsaid. They could now understand the other better, yet this new understanding was frightening, like something precious you're afraid to break.
"So, here is my second condition" Alex eventually added.
"Yeah?"
"I want you to be more open with your mates. I believe talking is the only path to healing."
"I've been trying -"
"Try harder."
A/N: Finally I've updated again! Really sorry for the wait. The old readers might have noticed I am still following the original storyline, but the chapters are longer and - I hope - give a better insight of the character's motivations and feelings.
Anyway, heavy chapter! Hope you still enjoyed it! Thank you for reading my story and for your support during all these years - and thank you to the new readers who decided to give this story a go. Sending a lots of love to each of you, hope you're in a good place right now xxxx
PS: Oh, and it will probably be either Nate or Darren's POV in next chapter