"Oh, nandito ka?" Bungad sa akin ni ate pagkapasok niya sa kwarto habang inaayos ko ang gamit ko. Naguguluhan akong tumingin sa kanya. "Akala ko kasi diretsyo ka na sa kwarto ni Cole—"
"Ate!" Tumawa lang siya noong tinapunan ko siya ng unan. His room was just across ours.
Nagbihis na agad kami ng pang swimming at saka bumaba. I was wearing an olive green crisscross bikini under a white lace beach dress cover up. I tied my hair up with a few strands of my hair loosely flying with the wind.
Kumain na muna kami ng lunch. It was great because I have been craving for seafood! Nag-unahan pa kami ni daddy sa pagkuha ng magandang parte ng crab!
"Si Cole, anak? Kinatok niyo ba?" Natigilan kami kay mama. Siniko ako ni papa para sumagot. Nadistract tuloy ako! Inagaw na ni papa 'yung gusto kong part. I stuck my tongue out at him when he made mocking faces at me.
"Nandiyan na pala si Cole, ma..." Sagot ni ate. He was wearing a black broad shorts with a beach polo with 3 buttons undone. Nakasabit din ang shades niya doon. He looked dashing. He had always been a headturner.
Hinila niya 'yung upuan na nasa tabi ko. Rectangle ang table at nasa dulo si papa habang sa isang side katabi niya si mama tapos ako naman nasa kabilang tabi niya. Si Ate Sydney naka upo sa tabi ni mama, habang si Cole naman nasa tabi ko at katapat ni ate.
"Sab, ang dila mo." Saway ni mama. Kanina pa pala nakalabas dila ko! Si papa kasi, e! Tawa tawa pa siya sa tabi ko kaya inagaw ko 'yung sawsawan sa kanya at nagreklamo siya naman siya doon.
Tahimik lang akong kumakain habang sila naman ay nakikipag-usap kay Cole. "Buti anak hindi ka busy ngayon, ano? Hindi naman ba kami nakakaabala?"
"Uhh, nag-overtime po ako ng ilang araw para may sumalo po ng shift ko. May pinakausapan po ako." Sagot niya. Ganoon din si Ate Sydney e ang alam ko. "At huwag po kayo mag-alala. Gusto ko po talaga pumunta dito kaya salamat po."
Tinubuan tuloy ako ng hiya dahil sa usapan namin kanina. I need to apologize to him later I guess. At mabuti rin pala na nandito siya at least para makapagbakasyon siya. Mahilig pa naman siya magbakasyon at magtravel dati. I guess now he doesn't really get the time to do that anymore.
"Ate, palagay ng sunblock sa likod ko." Tapos na kami kumain at nagpahinga rin kami pagkatapos. Sila mama nandoon na sa dagat at si Cole naman naglalakad lakad na may dalang camera. He had completely unbuttoned his shirt so his godly-like body was completely exposed. You can see how well he takes care of his body. Everyone would drool for his toned abs and his muscles were everywhere in the perfect places. His figure really grew more buff compared to before, but not too much to the point that his size intimidated me. The way he held his camera also gave him the chance to perfectly flex his biceps.
"Sige, titig pa." Napangiwi ako nang kurotin ako ni ate sa tagiliran ko. Ito naman! Misan lang ako makatanaw ng abs, e! Palibhasa kasi siya, araw araw nang may natatanaw.
"You do know you're the only one making things weird between the two of you, right?" I knew this talk was gonna come up. I'm aware of this too but I really don't know how to act around him. And how could he be so calm and composed as if we haven't had anything between us? "Ang tagal na noon, Sab. I think he's over it too and I can see him trying his best not to make things awkward between the two of you. Ikaw lang 'tong kakaibang kumikilos. He's trying his best to be at least civil with you, so why shouldn't you too?" As if she heard my thoughts, she was spot on with sharing her sentiments, as if she was my subconsciousness.
Right. We're here for a vacation. For my mother's birthday. Ilang beses na rin kami nagkita so I should get used to his presence already. And if he's over it, then..
Is he really over us already?
The whole day we played with the water and like what my sister told me, I did try to act cool with Cole. Sinasali namin siya ni ate sa mga ginagawa namin. And she was right, ako lang naman talaga 'yung nattense dito. Maybe I just think about it too much that it affects how I am around him. But overall, I made myself feel comfortable with his presence.
"Paubos na yelo," sabi ni ate habang kinakalikot 'yung laman ng cooler sa tabi niya. Madilim na 'yung langit at natira na kami dito sa beach side. Somehow Cole had someone arrange a bonfire for us. Kaming tatlo lang naman nila Ate Sydney habang ang mga matatanda umakyat na sa kwarto nila.
We decided to stay up late to drink. Kanina pa kami nagkwekwentuhan. We talked about how it has been with work, with friends and stories we recalled from before when we were in college. Umabot pa nga usapan din namin kay Angelo when Ate Sydney started talking about med school. I eyed her suspiciously.
"May hindi ka talaga sinasabi sa akin!" Pag-akusa ko habang tinuturo siya.
When the night was getting too late, we only sat there, staring at the stars in silence. "Ang tahimik," walang malay kong sabi habang may maliit na ngiti sa labi ko. The cold breeze tickling my skin made me close my eyes in comfort and content.
My chest felt lighter as if this was the breather that I needed.
I want to stay here longer if I could.
Nauna nang umalis si Ate Syd at habang ako nagpaiwan muna. I was now left alone with Cole.
"How have you been lately?" I could feel his gaze at me while my eyes were still closed, indulging the peaceful tension. I hummed before shortly answering. "Okay lang naman."
Ewan ko kung bakit tuwing tinatanong ako niyan, may mabigat na pakiramdam sa dibdib ko. I mean, okay lang naman ako, diba? I'm healthy. I have my friends and family with me. I have a stable career. So yes, I'm okay. I should be.
Pero minsan, bakit pakiramdam ko parang may kulang?
"Do you remember what you told me before in Tagaytay?" Dinilat ko ang mga mata ko saka lumingon sa kanya. "Are you contented with the life you're living now?" Napakurap lang ako nang hindi makasagot sa kanya, quite stunned with the sudden question.
He put his can of beer down before removing his beach polo and put it on my shoulders. He was now left with his plain white shirt. "You mentioned something about wanting to reach the level of being at peace and contented with your life. Where you have no more worries, you see your worth and you feel appreciated. I just want to know if you've reach that level now." A lone tear unconsciously ran down my cheek and he was quick to have his thumb wipe it.
I haven't even noticed how we were inches away from each other. His eyes bored into mine while his thumb was gently cupping my cheek. One touch from him and I suddenly felt like I wanted to burst.
Maybe because it was the familiarity my heart had with his touch and his soothing voice. I knew he had the ability to break down my walls and allow me to just be myself with him, without any worry. It's like I suddenly wanted to crawl on to him, and cry on his chest. Parang gusto kong ilabas bigla ang lahat sa kanya at magsumbong tugkol sa mga dinanas ko.
My vision got blurry when he moved and sat closer beside me, put my beer down and caged my hands in his rough ones.
"Ate Sydney might have mentioned something by accident." He whispered along with the wind. I looked at him like waiting for him to continue. "I just.. couldn't get my mind of it."
"What did she tell you?" My voice was slightly shacky.
"That you've changed." I knew I did. I wasn't the same as the Sab he knew from college. I wasn't the same as the Sab he dated before. I know all my friends and family noticed too but they didn't pry much further. I'm not sure if I changed in a good way or bad way. I just know that I've allowed myself to change because of the given situation.
"Can you talk to me, Sab?" His tone was gentle, there was no hint of pressure. All there was was comfort and assurance that he'd listen and that with him, it will be okay. I was tempted to speak, to break my walls again and to be vulnerable. But I didn't.
I shouldn't.
Umiwas ako ng tingin at pasimpleng pinunas ang luhang nasa pisngi ko. Tumukhim ako saka ngumit sa kanya at nagpasya na magligpit na.
"Late na. Pasok na tayo?" I said, acting like nothing happened.
He deeply looked at me as if trying to understand my shift of emotions. But this was Cole in front of me. I knew how well he could read behind my lies. He heaved out a heavy and frustrated sigh before carrying the cooler with him.
Akala ko maglalakad na kami pabalik pero bigla siyang tumitigil at seryosong tumingin sa akin. I raised a brow at him, curious if he had something to say or if he forget something.
He looked defeated. "You know you can't just keep running away, right?"
He might have said it out of blue but I knew what he meant. And I couldn't get it out of my mind.
Even after years, I haven't been okay. I haven't given myself the chance to actually heal, acknowledge my emotions and deal with my problems. I haven't allowed myself to confront the unspoken held-back emotions from the past. I simple woke up one day deciding on no longer speaking about it. Keeping it all inside.
And it was all because I was never ready or I didn't know how I could do it.
But when will I even ever be ready?
After drinking my pills that was suppose to help me sleep, instead of heading to my bed, I found myself knocking on the door across ours.
After three knocks, the door opens with him in his plain white shirt, gray sweat shorts and a towel hanging around his neck. It looks like he just got out of the shower with his slightly damped hair. His thick eyebrows met, questioning my presence at his door at this hour.
I nervously fidgeted with my fingers, looking down at it. Oo nga naman. Bakit ako nandito?!
"Do you... Do you want to come in?" I sighed in relief when he opens the door wider, stepping aside to give way for me. I quietly walked in and sat on the edge of his bed. I looked around and his room was perfect for a single person to stay in for a few days. Actually, kasing laki lang naman ng kwarto niya 'yung kwarto namin but the only difference is dalawang kama 'yung sa kwarto namin ni ate habang sa kanya isang malaking kama pwedeng higaan ng dalawang tao.
His room was neat and his things are organized at the side, halos wala talagang kalat sa dito. Nakakahiya naman doon sa kwarto namin ni ate. But when I glanced at the coffee table, he had papers piled up beside his laptop. The chair was also pulled away from the table, implying he was seated there maybe perhaps before he opened the door for me. Bumalik din siya sa pagkakaupo doon at may mabilis na tinype sa laptop bago patayin iyon.
"Uhm, were you working?" Mahinang tanong ko.
Not even removing his focus on the papers he was putting in some folders, he nodded. "Yeah, I was reveiwing reports about a few patients." Tumango lang ako at nag-iwas ng tingin. I decided to watch my legs as I let them swing. Naramdaman ko naman si Cole maglakad papunta sa ref. I peaked and saw him pull out a carton box of milk and a glass, pouring the milk in it.
"So, what brings you here? Can't sleep?"
I hummed, thinking of how to answer his question. Hindi ko rin naman alam bakit ako bigla pumunta dito. I pursed my lips before nodding like a kid.
He walked towards me and gave me the glass of milk. Masayang tinanggap ko naman 'yon. Habang iniinom ko 'yon I could feel him watching me.
Nakaramdam nanaman tuloy ako ng hiya. Ano ba 'yan, bakit ba ako nandito! Weird ko na siguro...
"You're still wearing my..." He trailed off while pointing at his beach polo that I was still wearing. Nakalimutan ko pala ibalik! Pagkatapos ko maligo, sinuot ko ulit polo niya kasi ang bango e tas malambot 'yung tela.
I felt my cheeks heating up. Agad kong hinubad 'yon. "S-Sorry, ito pala babalik ko na—"
"No, no. It's fine. Keep it with you first." Sinunod ko naman. Mabilis kong inubos 'yung gatas at parang bata kong sinauli sa kanya 'yung baso. "Th-Thank you..." Linagay lang niya 'yon sa coffee table at naglakad papunta sa tapat ko while his hand were tucked in his pockets.
He was deeply staring at me and I felt so shy. I know he's waiting for me to speak. I should say something.
"Uhm, salamat sa gatas..."
"No problem. But I know for a fact that you didn't just knock on my door at this hour to have a glass of milk." He squatted down to level with me. Masuyo niyang hinila ang mga kamay ko para mahawakan niya. "You have something to say, hm?" Malambing ang tono at mga titig niya.
I found myself pouting and allowing my tears leave my eyes. Nakita ko ang gulat na dumaan sa mga mata niya at saka siya tumayo para umupo sa tabi ko sa kama but before he could even speak, I embraced him, hiding my face on his broad chest.
He didn't speak. He just let me hug him and cry.
I missed this. His warmth, his scent, and everything about him that had always made me feel calm and secured.
I hugged him tighter as if I was scared he'd go away. I didn't want him to disappear. I didn't want him to leave me. I want him to stay with me.
At least for the night.
Hinimas himas niya ang likod ko na para bang pinapatahan.
"Hey... I'm here..." Mas lalo akong umiyak at tanging ang mga hikbi ko lang ang naririnig sa kwarto. This felt too good to be true. It felt like that relieving feeling of finally getting home after years and years of being homesick.
Home...
"Kyzer..."
I don't know how long we were in that position, but I do know I easily drifted off to sleep in his arms. And I slept comfortably.
★
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