I look all around me, but all I see is pitch black, endless darkness.
Is this the afterlife? It looks empty, but at the same time it's full of feelings, every feeling and emotion I've ever had in all my life all at the same time, it's overwhelming. There's every single feeling, but even though I feel the love and the happiness, the feeling of loneliness, sadness and fear are the most present ones.
I look at myself, my hands look sickly pale- no, deadly pale. Well I mean I am dead, right?
Right?
All I can see is myself, surrounded by the darkness. Is this where I get to spend the rest of eternity? That'd be both calming and scary, I don't think I want to spend the rest of everything alone, lost in the emptiness of whatever this place is.
The thought of it started becoming scary, utterly scary. I feel my breath getting out of control and I find myself hyperventilating, getting horribly afraid of being here alone, of not seeing anyone else ever again.
My uneven breathing gets worse the more I think about everyone in my life, every person I ever met and specially those I loved, or more like the one person I got to deeply fall in love with.
And then my mind gets invaded with those whose fault it is that I am here. Oh how I wish I could go back in time and get every single last bit of air out of their lungs, so I could make them pay for the pain I'm feeling right now, knowing I have wasted my life.
"Calm down, child." An old and familiar voice echoed all around the place. I turned around wanting to find the source of it, it can't possibly be. Only it was, he was standing right there.
He stood there, looking just like I last remembered him: elegant stance, and his long white beard that always made him have even more of a wisdom aura to him. His eyes serious, like he was scolding me, but when they found my own I could see his gaze soften a bit.
"Hyperventilating won't help you at all." He spoke calmly. I tried to calm myself, focusing on evening out my breath. "That's better."
"What- How- I-" I didn't really what I should say, what do you do after you kill him? It seems that life (or death, whatever it is) is having a lot of fun reminding me I am an assassin, a monster, that I have so much blood on my hands.
"It wasn't innocent blood, Irya, you mustn't forget that." My attention snapped back to him, what the hell?
"It still doesn't change the fact that I am a monster." My voice came out weak, shaking. A single tear ran down my cheek, and I hurried to cleaned the rest before allowing them to run free.
"You're not a monster. You're not at fault for trying to help others, to fight to try and save yourself, even if that means hurting others you're not doing it because you enjoy doing it. You are just trying to survive." Oh Dumbledore, ever so wise. I refuse to believe his words, I know what I am and I know there's nothing that can justify what I've done. Even more so when it's been useless.
"It was useless either way. I died anyway, and I can't help Potter from here, so it's not even worth it. Everything I went through was in vain, my whole life was a waste." It's true, I didn't get to be the perfect weapon Voldemort wanted me to be, I didn't get to be even remotely helpful to Potter, I didn't do anything good, all I ever did was bring chaos and destruction.
"It's not been a waste. But I do think, however, that your life was cut short long before it had to." He started to look around, trying to find something, anything, in the darkness that surrounded us.
"Well, I wasn't strong enough to get through it I suppose." I sighed. "Professor, where are we?"
"I was just about to ask you the same question, Irya. Where do you think you are?"
"Well, it looks like nothing. Although... " Come to think of it, it did remind me of something. "It almost looks like the night sky, when it's full of clouds. You can't see the stars, but there's still the slightest of light."
"Right, it sure looks that way, doesn't it? This is, Irya, as they say, your party."
"So this is it this time. It's the end of the line for me." I feel momentarily happy, but am soon overwhelmed by the thought that it's been pointless, everything I ever did and wanted. In the end it meant nothing, it doesn't matter anymore.
"Only if you want it to be."
"So I get to choose?" He gave a single nod, then turned his attention back to the darkness around us. "But, there's no point in going back. I'd still be locked up in the torture room."
"Right." He said nonchalantly.
"In a building that's built like a maze, full of guards." Stating the obvious just made me more unsure of going back.
"Yes."
"And I can't use my magic to get out." A stray tear managed to run down my cheek once more.
"Are you sure of that?" He turned to look at me again. "You must remember Irya, happiness, as well as hope, can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." He started slowly walking away. "I must go now." He gave one last look at me. "You are very brave, Irya. It is not who you were born as that defines you, but what you grow out to be." He turned around and resumed his walking, eventually getting lost in the distance.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. What is there more to lose if I go back again? I guess once you're at the bottom, the only way you can go is up, am I right?
Opening my eyes slowly, I see as one little white twinkling spot has appeared in the far distance. Then I find another one, and then one more; soon, stars find their way into the sky surrounding me, and I can see them starting to form my favorite constellations.
They're not in order, and are just my favorite ones, but I can't help but smile when I see them. Of course Phoenix is the first one I recognize, followed by Lyra.
The next one is Scorpius, and next I find Draco. Oh, my dear Draco, how much I miss him, even after the circumstances of the last time I saw him.
I sighed, and realize my eyelids start to feel heavy as my mind feels tired. My breath is even and calming as I start to close my eyes, a part of me wants to fight it but I instead choose to let go, and follow my instinct.
The beating of my heart is heard loudly in my ears, calm but present. As I start to fall asleep my heartbeat stars to quicken, and when I feel myself falling into the sleep, it beats even faster, and I feel as if though it'll beat out of my chest any second.
~~~
I let go, and suddenly my heartbeat is the fastest it's ever been. I feel myself wake up, the coldness of the room welcoming me back into the world of the living, but I decide to keep my eyes closed for a moment.
I can hear multiple voices and feel people all around me.
"You idiots! You killed her!" The doctor with the heavy russian accent doesn't sound very happy.
"Sir, you said to lower the temperature another 25 degrees." One of them talked back, clearly not wanting to be responsible for my death.
"Don't you dare talk back to me!" He yells back. Soon enough it becomes a whole discussion, with not only them but others also getting involved in it.
If there are people inside the room with me, that means the door must be open.
I open my eyes slowly, careful not to move so I won't alert the scientists and guards around me.
There are five other people in the room: two guards, two idiots in lab coats and the Russian scientist that was yelling to the rest of them. The door to my left is wide open but although four of the people were in the opposite side of the room, too busy yelling at each other to see I had recovered consciousness, one of the guards was standing by the door looking clueless as to what he should do.
I take a deep breath to prepare myself, this is the best chance I'll get.
I get up quickly, jumping up from the floor and sprinting towards the door. My movements alert the people in the room and the guard at the door goes to reach his gun, but I keep on running, confident I'll get to him before he can shoot me.
And that's what I do, I get to the door and try to push him out of the way, but he catches my hand and pushes me back.
My back hits the doorframe, and he goes to try to hit me but I manage to dodge, making his hand hit the doorframe behind me. I take my chance and I try to run away, closing the door loudly behind me, in hopes that'll slow them down a bit.
I run as fast as my legs can take me, passing hallway after hallway desperately trying to find a way out.
I run up several flights of stairs, and I reach a long hallway full of doors, on both sides and a bigger door at the end of it, so I decide to go for that one first, as it reminded me of the door I first came in through when I arrived at this place.
I start to run again, feeling hopeful that I might just be about to finally escape, when suddenly the lights go out, getting replaced by low red lights instead, and an alarm sound echoing all through the place. I try to ignore it, hoping I'll have some luck and reach the door in time when I hear a door being open behind me, and a pair of heavy footsteps coming out through it.
"Stop there! Now!" I recognize the voice and I turn to look at him, stopping fully, just a few metres away from the door. It's the soldier, the one that trained me when I first got here. "Don't move. Or I'll have to shoot you." He keeps a blank face, at least that's what it looks like at first, but then I notice his eyes, full of emotion just like the time I saw through his memories, filled with confusion and, maybe I'm wrong, fear.
"You don't have to do this." I shake my head, I know trying to convince him may be useless, but there's a part of me that tells me it's worth trying. "Please, just lower the-"
"Soldier!" The Russian scientist yelled from the end of the hallway, clearly trying to catch his breath as he had run here. "What do you think you're doing?! Shoot her! Don't let her go!"
The soldier didn't move his eyes from mine, and I practically could see the debate going on in his mind. I shake my head again, hoping he'll listen.
"Soldier!" The scientist yells one more, and it's as if he had somehow activated something in the soldier, who didn't hesitate this time, pulling the trigger of his gun, pointing at my shoulder. I guess they still didn't want to kill me, just prevent me from escaping. He held his hand firmly, but I could see the regret in his eyes.
Everything happens in slow motion.
I see the bullet, coming directly towards me. I close my eyes, and I raise my hands as if though trying to shield myself from the bullet.
A couple of moments go by, and I expect to feel the pain of the bullet hitting me, but instead I barely feel something hit lightly against my shoulder. I slowly open my eyes, confused as to what just happened, when I see a big spike of ice that seemed to have formed from nothing in front of me, which I realize didn't stop the bullet completely but managed to slow it down enough for it not to hurt me.
As I recover as quickly as possible from the shock of what just happened, I turn around and start to run again. When I reach the door I hear footsteps behind me again and I see the scientist running towards me.
I thought of trying to open the door but instead, as if by instinct, I raise my right hand pointing it at him, and I'm surprised again when ice forms around his feet, freezing him in place and preventing him from moving again.
I decide to not waste a second more, and I focus on the door again. I try to open it, but it's obviously locked.
I look at my hands, taking a big breath.
Well, I mean what other option do I have? I'm not sure what the hell is happening right now, but I sure as hell am not going to not try to use it to get out of here.
I place my left hand on top of the door and close my eyes. Okay Irya inhale, exhale, think of ice. Easy, right?
I feel my hand get a little bit cold, not uncomfortably cold, but I feel the change in temperature.
I open my eyes, and see the door lock has frozen completely. I throw myself against the door, hoping to break the lock with the help of my weight, and after two more tries the lock finally breaks and I fall to the ground.
Snow, a white blanket of snow. I did it, I'm outside!
I don't waste a second more and I get up quickly, running away from the horrible place. I see the snowy mountains on the distance, and decide to go there.
I keep on running for Merlin knows how long, until I decide I'm far enough from the place (and tired enough too) to keep on running, so I settle for a much calmer, slower walk.
----------
As the sun settles down I finally allow myself to stop. I made it to the other side of the mountains I had seen from the building, and I decide to stop to spend the night in a small clearing I found.
I inhale deeply, relishing the fresh air from the nature around us. Taking in the beauty of the thousands and thousands of trees around me, of the small animals I could hear every now and then, and I lay down in the blanket of snow covering the ground. The cold doesn't bother me, in fact nothing does.
I just stay there, looking up to the night sky I've missed so much. The sky giving a perfect view of the thousands of stars adorning it, no clouds in sight.
As I close my eyes preparing to rest for a bit I give myself a moment to let it sink in. I'm finally outside of that hellhole, I did it, I'm free from Hydra, and if I'm lucky enough I'm free from Voldemort too.
As I lay there, falling into a much needed sleep, I rejoice in the fact I can finally do whatever it is I want, and I don't let anything else bother me. Not the fact I still don't have a plan on what to do next, or the fact that I might have to watch out from getting caught by this Hydra bitches again.
Or the uncertainty of what happened earlier with the ice thing. Or the hunger or the tiredness that fills my body.
I don't let any of that get to be, because for now I just focus on being free. I embrace the coldness around me, and I happily fall asleep, certain that whatever tomorrow will bring I will be able to deal with, because right now I feel full of power, of adrenaline.
Right now, I feel unstoppable.