south carolina
july 1990
***
Harry
//
"Shh," Vada whispers with her finger pressed to her kissed-too-hard lips.
Climbing through her opened window, my shoes meet the floor of her carpet as I step into her room.
Her grey eyes shine behind the soft glow of the twinkling nightlight, hooded and unforgettable. And her hair hangs loose, red with yellow waves down her back as her cheeks brimmed a fucked-too-long pink.
"Grams is sleeping," she whispers, standing back as I step forward.
"I know," I say, leaning towards her. "I guess we'll have to see how quiet we can be,"
"Harry—" A smile forms on her lips and I'm cutting her off to place mine on hers.
Desperate and addicted. That's what she made me. This girl. This fucking girl. I couldn't get enough.
"I was thinking about you all night," I grabbed her hips and walked her backwards towards the end of her bed. With her fairy lights glowing on her headboard, we were surrounded by everything that makes her soft.
"Yeah?" Baby asks, looping her fingers around my belt and bringing me closer with a taunting smile.
"Don't play with me, tell me you were thinking about me too," I leaned down, cornering her with my arms on both sides planted on the soft mattress of her unmade bed. "Come on, V tell me or I'll die."
Vada brushes the hair out of my eyes, revealing bruises and faded black. "I missed you. I have been thinking about you since the moment you left." She gives me the world with her words.
It was Friday again. It was the worst night of my week. Fight nights were crowds still erupting in my head with a ringing I couldn't get out. They made my body ache no matter how many pills I took while I always yearned for something stronger.
After every fight, I never stuck around for any longer than I needed to. I went back to the motel, took some downers and crashed through any further pain. But tonight was different because all I wanted to do was be by the girl who made me higher than any drug.
I wanted to be with her more than ever because ever since we started last Sunday, we couldn't seem to stop.
I knew every inch of her body. I knew every single cry and the way she stretches and tightens around me. I knew every scratch mark and love bite. I know because she will be engraved in my brain forever. It's the biggest fucking rule I've made.
Vada crawls back up towards the head of her bed, and I follow after her. We get in the familiar way I crawl between her legs and she holds on to me like she never wants to let go. I kiss her already bruised skin and fire up any burning ache she's never been able to break.
I pull off my hoodie and drop it somewhere on the floor, reaching for the hem of her shirt. I kiss between her collarbones while Vada scratches ruby red nails down my biceps. She bites my ear as I reach back and unstrap her black B cup.
At the same time she's reaching for my belt and unbuckling the metal from leather, my jaw ticks and addiction seeps in. I distract myself, reaching for her sleep shorts and pulling them down and off.
My eyes lock on hers, and strawberry blonde has a smirk that she gets from me evident across her face. Topless and in cotton underwear, this confident girl sits up on her elbows, looking like all of my dreams.
"I want you," she tells me without hesitating, without second guessing. It sends all the blood pumping in my veins, straight to my dick.
"Fuck," I groan, somewhat forgetting about the temptation that claws at my throat. But the demon is right in my back pocket, burning a hole through the denim and straight into my skin.
My jaw ticks again, and with shaky hands I pull her to me until every inch of her skin is touching mine. Vada sighs. And she knows way too well.
Slipping my finger into the elastic of her underwear, I mutter "Take these off," and avoid her eyes.
But grey's pull me back in as she grabs my face so it's between hers and she makes me look at her. We both know what I need and even though she's held me back before its itching more than ever tonight.
"Go," she snaps and at first I don't move. But then she kicks my hip with her foot and shoves me off of her.
I tickle the bottom of her foot to try to make it better but it's too late. I sniff and rub my eager nose. My gums tingle and my palms prickle. I left Vada behind to spread my other addiction on the sink.
Switching on the light, I shut the door to the bathroom that's connected to her room. Knowing she will hear me from here, I run the water like that will make it any better. Emptying my pockets, I catch my reflection in the mirror and for a second I pause.
Look real hard motherfucker. This is all your worth.
I'm black eyes around black and blue bruises and deep cuts. I'm too long curls and too many tattoos. I'm busted knuckles that spread the chemical of my addiction straight out in front of me. I'm bowing down to it, sucking it up and finally breathing again.
It's a rush I'll never be able to comprehend. I breathe in and drown myself. With my palms on the bathroom counter, I look into the mirror again. I look long and hard as my vindicator takes over.
It pumps through my veins and goes straight to my heart, pumping adrenaline throughout my entire body. As the faucet runs I stick my face under the cold water and let it drip from my chin and nose as I lift up again. Tilting my head back I rub the nose with the back of my hand, and keep track of my breathing.
My spine straightens and my heartbeat evens out. It's skyrocketing and too fast but it's better. I crack my neck and all ten of my fingers.
When I look back in the mirror for the last time, I don't give a fuck about what I see. Cocaine balances confidence. It brings a cocky smile underneath blacked out eyes and I've never been more alive.
I shut off the water, switching off the light, and opened the bathroom door. When I step out Vada is sitting on her window seat with her legs crossed and the window open, letting end of July night air in. A joint glows from her lips as her strawberry blonde hair sweeps down both sides of her face curtaining her in.
I stand in front of her grabbing at her sides and grey eyes turn to mine as they are a better red-rimmed and hooded fucked up. This girl smiles high when she sees me. She pulls the last bit of smoke and throws the bud out the window behind her.
I kiss down her neck and pull her knees around my waist rocking into her and she lets out the sweetest little moan. She moves against me. I push back.
Vada tightens her legs around me and whispers "Come closer," and she's frustratingly tempting.
Desperate clinging lips to lips, chest to chest, stomach to stomach. My mind is one step ahead of itself and I'm lifting Vada up and moving us to the bed. I can feel and hear and sense everything as it heightens around me. Thanks to five white lines and perfect strawberry blonde touches.
Perfect the way she sprawls out for me, I easily guide the both of us back down the road of bliss. But then I make the mistake of rocking up and too hard and the headboard slams against the wall.
Our red-rimmed and blacked out wide meets each other. But high out of our minds we laugh humorously and baby covers my mouth with her hand, shushing me through her own laughter. We kiss and try again but get carried away and make too much noise on her bed.
We both can't wait, so I fuck her on her bedroom floor.
Vada's actions are quick, trying to pull me out of my jeans and slip me in. She's groaning in frustration when I pull away to kick off my shoes.
"Right there, baby," I whisper, tilting her chin towards the side of my face, near my ear. "I want it right there," I line up and push myself up on my elbows so I can get it how I want.
Vada nods, and when I slip in as deep as I can she gasps right into my ear. I stroke deep and fully, and this time Vada's covering her own mouth to keep out her helpless cries while I bring her right leg up and it unites us a little more but not as much as we need.
With my hips moving with intent her mouth covers the skin on my neck, and her teeth bite down as her nails scratched inflicting damage to my already harmed skin.
"More," I groaned into the side of her neck. "Harder, baby," I won't be satisfied until she splits me open and touches me on the inside.
Moving up and deeper with fixed posture, I keep my weight held up with my arms. Then I'm turning her over on her stomach so I can slip in from behind as Vada laughs lustfully and this angle is everything she needs to come around me.
I keep her at an angle as I lean down to cover her mouth from making any sounds that might get us caught. I come but I fuck through it, obsessed with my habit running through my brain and the girl who keeps a never ending grip on my soul.
***
"Alright tell me what you think of this," Louis says, picking up his bass and strapping it around his torso.
We're at the apartment working melodies on songs for the album. Some new, some old. It's been months and we've barely made progress but these things took time.
But today seemed different. We had motivation and confidence for the first time in a long time. Because it's easy when it's just the four of us getting high on grass and strumming along to broken song chords.
Zayn sits behind his set while Niall's on his lead and Louis strums his bass as the three are matching in their rhythm and the beat of the melody.
It's like the old days and this feels how it should be all the time.
Nodding along to the beat they're going at and after a second my brain clicks and I quickly fall into the notes my boys make. Front microphone is my place as I think of some broken lyrics I came up with while I was high the other night.
"She got wrapped up in somebody else,
I'm wrapped up stuck in love with myself
I never saw this coming around,
but I miss her skin on me now"
I look back and the boys are all nodding, encouraging me to go on and feeling the lyrics that I don't have quite figured out just yet. But I just go with what I come up with on the spot, thinking of the person who quickly becomes my muse.
I closed my eyes and her face was as clear as day.
"Tip of my tongue she's pulling my hair
I do what she wants anywhere
back seat of the car and up in the air
but i miss how she kissed everywhere"
I took a pause and the boys played another note while Zayn kept up a fast paced beat.
"Keep going, keep going," Louis says over the noise. "This is the peak of the song so just go fucking crazy. Just say whatever comes to your head, man." he keeps encouraging.
"Alright bare with me here," I tell them unsure, listening to the beat and the melody after the verse and saying what I truly feel in the moment even if it doesn't make sense.
"I can't get you off my mind, I can't get you off my mind," I sing like I'm going fucking mad and when I think of her only two words come to my mind.
"I still crave it, complicated freak
I still crave it, complicated freak
I still crave it—
"Drag it out, drag it out," Zayn calls as he bangs on his drums and on the beat I get what he means because we always speak the same language.
"COMPLICATED—-
My guitarists fall into it and I finish;
"FREAK"
As we enter the chorus Niall plays around with some notes and we're all nodding along in agreement when we cut it.
"Okay, we actually just made something worth playing— Louis starts
"For the first time in months," Niall finishes.
So we play it again, and then again and over until we get it right. I'm writing down the lyrics on an old napkin and Zayn's recording the audio on a cassette player so we can show our manager later.
"Guys just go after that last note," Zayn says and starts the same rhythm on his kit again. "Right after freak, the chorus should go fucking mad," he moves the sticks on his drums with fast talent.
And Niall comes up with the chorus verse at the top of his head falling into the same beat and is a fucking genius the way he strums. Louis blends in behind him and everything comes together with Zayn's rhythm and we figure it's a goddamn masterpiece.
We find an outro and decide we will clean it up more in the studio but for right now it's the first full song I've been able to be proud of in forever and I remember why I'm here in the first place.
***
We're on stage and the crowd is fucking wild and I'm standing on top of the fucking world.
With our girls in the front row my brain is fuzzy from the lines I took before the show and my muscles ache. But when I look at her everything focuses and I love the way she smiles at me and screams the loudest and knows every lyric.
I sing Only angel like it's for her and give it everything while secretly trying to wrap up the show as quickly as possible because I just wanted to be back at the motel with her.
"Styles!" The voice cuts my bee-line for the exit off and I'm met for a night of business with Ray as I shake his hand while he pulls me back to hang around for a while.
We're treated like royalty in a place as small as the towns in South Carolina. The club is like every other one we've performed at. The venue has high ceilings and sparkling chandeliers with greatly priced alcohol and a seating for their best performances.
There's pretty waitresses and bodyguards and if your names are not on the list then consider waiting in the long ass line in the muggy heat. We were lucky that talent gave us privilege and I guess good looks weren't so bad either.
We are sitting around with the boys and talking about the music and the band but my focus is on Vada as she smiles high with her best friend.
They are in their own world as they dance by themselves to the rhythm of another band's beat, twirling each other around and throwing back every drink in sight. They are so cluelessly unaware of the way girls from down below glare in envy and how guys hang onto them with lust.
Juliet dances like she's putting on a show but it was only for one person and one person only.
I look across from me as my best friend's also only half paying attention to the conversation about our future. He's got his eyes locked and loaded on his girl and at least I'm more discreet with mine.
Even though V's not paying attention to the way I'm distracted by her and the thing that makes me wild is the way she just doesn't give a fuck.
"You guys got anything new for me to hear?" Ray speaks and I'm not the one answering his questions but I kind of start to pay attention to the conversation as best as I can.
"Yeah we just finished a song this afternoon, we gotta clean it up but it's pretty much finished, right Harry?" Louis brings me in and I nod along.
Ray smiles and I see the shine in his eyes. "Great. Come into the studio on Monday, we'll get it going and get started with whatever else you guys can come up with." he then says before ordering some drinks so the night can really start.
Waitresses come around with endless drinks and my guitarists then get distracted with the complimentary alcohol and attention from needy girls.
Niall is a smooth flirt as he reels them in with his words and perfect all white toothed smile while Louis doesn't have to do much at all except just sit there and let them come to him. But while Zayn easily ignores every girl for his, I'm finding myself surprised I'm not paying attention to the blonde with long legs practically throwing herself at me.
But it was all the just same to me and nothing felt right when she wasn't cure my addictions strawberry blonde and dance like nobody's watching tattooed on my skin for fucking ever.
Throwing back one or two of whatever is in front of me the conversation gets easier as Ray gets more determined about the success of our future.
"You guys are doing phenomenal with these two singles you got out. We got radio stations calling from all over the country, people just can't get enough of Kiwi," he starts with a smile and it goes around on all the boys' faces except for mine because I felt a catch coming.
"But you can only play the same song for people so many times until they start to get bored. So we gotta start asking ourselves, what's next for One Direction?" Ray says it like it's a rhetorical question but he still waits for an answer.
"An album," Niall shrugs. "We're working on that, remember?" My boys' eyes shine behind drunk lidded and lazy smiles as he's way too fucked up to see where this is going.
But Ray continues his point. "An album needs to be promoted, it needs to be toured." he states with wide eyes and an even wider smile. "So what's next for you guys?" he asks again and this time answers himself.
"One Direction goes on tour," He confirms, and my eyes immediately meet with my drummer's.
"Right but we can't just pull an album out of our asses, it's gotta be something we're proud of." Louis speaks up, blue eyes dazed but the same look of concentration was planted on his face.
"You can play whatever the fuck you want, man" Ray laughs softly, shaking his head and he's the type of person that speaks with this hands. "if it's garbage or if it's the greatest goddamn music piece that has ever been created." His eyes are wild and focused as he intently looks at every single one of us.
"But when we're on this point of the scale only one thing gets you up in the world, and that's the opinions of others. Because it does not matter if you don't like what you're playing but if they-" he points out to the cheering crowd we just played for.
"—don't like what you're playing then," he raises a glass and pauses with a shrug "better get your asses a plane ticket home boys." he downs the shot ending his point with this impossibility.
I exchanged glances with my band as we all had the same thought.
"What do we gotta do?" I'm engaged fully now, and something withers in my stomach at the feeling of determination for something that I'm passionate about.
We start talking about the album and my fingers itch for the anticipation to get into the studio and for the first time in two years I feel the earth shattering feeling I got when I first started playing.
"Just one thing," Ray smiles with a pause. "Make the greatest fucking album this generation has ever seen," he takes a look at every single one of his as we hang onto his every word. "and then you're golden, boys." he shrugs.
And I could picture it all in my head.
Track no. 1: Kiwi
***
A/N
happy holidays everyone <3