"I know what I want Aera!" Donghyuck screeched impatiently. He paused and his eyes analyzed my face for answers.
I didn't know how the events had escalated to this.
"Do you know what you want?" I couldn't say anything. I lowered my gaze. I couldn't ignore the way my chest suddenly felt uneasy.
"Do you? Because I like you, and you say you like me too but you're pushing me away... Don't do that. Don't push me away, Aera" he pleaded almost helplessly. He brushed a hand down his face and repeated the action.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
"You don't understand. I'm scared!" I stared at his face. My eyes danced around his features. I could see the tension between his eyebrows. I hated that I was the cause of it.
"You aren't an everyday person, things can happen." I breathed out softly. I knew he would still be able to hear me. We stood a foot apart yet it somehow felt like I was far away. This wasn't how it was supposed to go.
I held my breath when I heard his scoff.
"I'm not an everyday person, huh?" He licked his lips in an annoyed manner to which I could only continue to feel my nerves grow. We had never had such a serious conversation. This felt too intense. Whatever we'd say would hurt the other badly.
"I am an everyday person. My job is not an everyday job but I'm an everyday person. I-" he let out a breath of disbelief. I feared he'd misinterpreted my words. I'd never want to hurt him.
"You are an Idol! You are different from everyone else!" I pleaded for him to understand. Desperate for him to reason with me. It didn't matter how many times I tried to find his eyes he continued to stare off into something behind me. It didn't feel like him.
I couldn't fathom that we were having this conversation. How we had just been in each other embrace just minutes ago and here we stood.
"You have to follow rules that other people don't. I can ruin your career just by being with you, everything you've ever worked for. You know this! This is why we sneak around all the time and you're not being careful enough! What we're doing is scary and you know it! If they see you here, if anyone sees you here, what will SM think? What will the media say? You know what we're up against Donghyuck!" I continued exasperated. I waved my arms around wildly as I spoke.
We both knew this wasn't as easy as just what I wanted. This was far deeper than just two people dating each other. I wasn't the bad guy.
A couple of silent seconds passed after my outburst. I feared that I had overreacted, that I had said the wrong thing, that he was mad. All these thoughts swarmed around my head and the simple slump of his shoulder felt like the loudest thing in the room. His gaze fell to the ground, he was fighting a battle he could never win. Suddenly, his eyes began to water, but he didn't look forward or move an inch.
"Donghyuck?"
"All I did was like a girl" His gaze still stayed trained on the floor. I listened quietly.
"All I did was like a girl and I can't even do that" listening to him say these words felt like the biggest slap in the face.
How hard was all of this on him? Having all of these restrictions controlling and dictating your life. Prohibiting you from doing the things you truly wanted. I could date anyone I wanted, but he couldn't.
I reached over to him. Gripping his hand in mine. "That's not true, you can like anyone." I almost whispered. He didn't even flinch. He just stared dejected at the ground. Even when I tried to softly squeeze his hand, nothing.
"No. Maybe you are right" Our eyes finally met but I could see no trace of who he truly was. His bright and traditionally joyfully gleam was gone.
"I don't belong here. I'll go" I could start to feel how his fingers slipped from mine. How he was taking a step away from me. My heart began to panic.
"No, Donghyuck. Don't!" I rushed with urgency. This isn't supposed to happen. This is all wrong.
"No, no, no, no, shhhhh it's okay. Stay for a bit" I gripped his hand in mine, afraid. Afraid he'd slip away and I would no longer stop him. Stop him from walking away and leaving me.
He offered me a weak smile. But it was still the same. I couldn't see him anymore. I couldn't see my Donghyuck. The one who teased me but still managed to make sure that I was okay. The one who made everyone in the room laugh.
He pulled both of my hands toward his chest. Hugging them to him with a solemn look of resignation. Please no. I silently begged to myself.
"I have to go, promise I'll see you around?" He reached down. Both of my hands huddled into his and planted a light kiss among them. He smiled, a fake, rehearsed one. One that didn't crease his eyes.
Please. No.
I wish I had said that. I wish I had stopped him the second he took a step away. I knew the words I had said had registered in his mind, that he had accepted us as the truth. That we could never be a couple.
And part of me wanted to let him go. To let him live a life with nothing to hide. But I loved him. I was in love with him. I would never want to see him go. Not like this, defeated by his circumstances. If he left, nothing would ever be the same.
"No. You're not leaving like this" Now it was my turn to pull his hands to me.
"Look at me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I couldn't stop the choked pleading sob that escaped me. Please, I beg.
"I like you too much to let you go like this. Whatever I said was stupid. It doesn't matter. Okay?" I could feel his chest rise and fall irregularly. It didn't surprise me when I noticed it matched mine.
My heart ached when he buried his face in my shoulder. The shaking of his shoulder indicated his silent tears. I wrapped my arms around his neck, allowing him to pull me close to his chest.
"I know I'm lucky, but sometimes I just wanna be normal." He murmured against my skin. I caressed his head with my fingers, gently stroking his hair.
"You are normal Dongsookie, I mean you've got friends and you sleep in a dorm like me, and you pull pranks on your roommates, and you've got a college girlfriend" I managed to laugh with embarrassment at my last statement.
He pulled back and laughed along with me. Somehow the light returned to his eyes.
"A college girlfriend?" He said almost teasing. I couldn't help the blush in my cheeks at his words.
"Yeah.... I mean only if you agree. I wouldn't want to-"
I wasn't able to finish my sentence before he placed his thumb between my lips to silence me. I stared at him in wonder. His eyes stared at my lips just before refocusing on my eyes, in silent question.
His lips did not waste a second before connecting with mine. Both of his hands cupped my cheeks and I allowed my eyes to close.
I was finally kissing him.
His body pressed itself against mine in urgency. His face pushed down on mine to decrease the distance. I could feel the warmth of his breath against my mouth as we kissed. I couldn't help it when a whine escape my lips as he pulled away.
He was smirking down at me, both of his hands still cupping my face as his thumb stroked my cheek. He cheekily stared at my face, his eyes calculating all of my features before he reconnected our lips again.
It was heaven.
So I allowed myself to give in. I looked past my fear, past his fame and the restrictions that came with it. I knew that being here with him was worth it. Nothing mattered. It was just us and this moment.
-
a.n: In honor of seeing Haechan in real life.
- Newark 10/13/2022