I did not lie. I do not know where my grave is. Could be because I never bothered to look for it. Well, I was too scared to. What if I read the message on the headstone and suddenly remembered my family? I was not sure that I could hands that kind of hurt, so I left it alone.
Now it seems I do not have a choice. Or maybe I just have an excuse. A pair of curious eyes, seeing my life from a different perspective. Someone to guide me outside of my comfort zone.
"Done?" I ask as Tubbo scoops the last mouthful of food into his mouth.
He nods and chews it down quickly, swallowing as he makes his way to the kitchen sink to wash his plate. I wait for him to turn around before I start making my way outside.
It's a sunny day, the rays warm on my exposed skin. I roll up the sleeves of my hoodie and delight in the feeling. Seldom have I been this happy in the afterlife.
Tubbo clears his throat and I realise that I forgot he was even there.
"Do you... what do you like?" He wonders. I am doubtful of how curious he actually is, rather than just trying to lighten the mood. I did not realise how brooding I appear to be when I am not speaking.
Taking note of this, I answer him, listing all of the things I enjoy. The sun, the stars, the little everyday things that people do, the sea. I tell him what I like about it all. Silence falls over us like a heavy blanket.
"Do you know what I find particularly interesting?" I say.
"No."
"You never asked me my name. I know yours, but you don't know mine." I huff with laughter. It is common curtsy to ask someone their name, but that part seems to have been forgotten among the other not so usual questions.
Tubbo ponders this for a moment. "Will you tell me?"
I think about telling him, but I remember that I actually do not know my name. My full name. Just my first name. That will have to do.
"Alec. It's Alec."
"Nice to meet you Alec," he smiles and the coolness of my expression melts and I forget all about my lost-to-memory last name.
"You too Tubbo," I say and smile back at him.
Fields of green stretches out on both sides of the road, vast woodland and occasional bodies of water cutting them off. In some places there are specks of colour, small clumps of wildflowers. Pale red, vermillion, different shades of yellow. All slowly replaced by houses and neatly kept gardens, pretty roses arranged in perfect rows. Trimmed hedges accompanied by perfect grass, mowed and watered.
"How far is it?" Tubbo asks me. I realise I never told him where the graveyard is, only that I know in which one I was buried. My body was buried, I mean.
"Not far. A kilometre. Two maybe," I answer. I suppress the urge to shrug, I have been doing that too much lately. I need to seem like I know exactly what I am doing, even if in reality I do not.
He nods. Then he does the most odd thing. He reaches for my hand and holds it in his own, giving me a light squeeze.
I give him a surprised look. Out of everything I could have imagined would happen when we went to the graveyard, this was not one of them. Scarcely anyone in their right mind would hold hands with the ghost of someone they do not even know.
Tubbo glances over at me when I do not react, leaving my hand hanging. I am quick to close my hand around his. He smiles at me again and I feel proud, like I have done something right. Nothing about it is right though. He should not even know I exist.
"What do you reckon they're like? Your family?" He wonders, and if the question had been asked by anyone else, with another tone of voice, I am sure that I would have lost my temper.
"No idea," I say and leave my words hanging. "If they're anything like me... although I suppose I could have been entirely different when I was alive. I could have been a jerk." I grimace.
"Mm, I don't think so. You're too nice for that," Tubbo says thoughtfully and it is my turn to glance over at him.
I know my admiration for him is written all over my face, and that my mouth is parted, open in awe of how nice he is, even to a complete stranger. That is why I am quick to look away when he tries to meet my gaze. I do not want him to know about all that yet.
"Thank you," I mumble quietly.
He squeezes my hand in return, the gesture meant to be comforting. It works, but not in the way he probably thinks it does. My face becomes flushed, and I revel in the feeling. It is almost as if I am human again, I think.
"We're here," I say. In front of us is a quaint garden, which slowly but surely turns into a graveyard the further you look. Tubbo stops when my hand, which he is still holding, does not move with him anymore.
I am still. I cannot make myself enter the graveyard. Once I... woke up here, I never came back. Did not think about it twice, because I did not want to.
Tubbo tilts his head in silent question. I know that is he confused as to why I am not following him. He does not understand my reasoning. Even if I will be okay after this, I will have to remember how I died. What it felt like. What if I was tortured and murdered? What if I died from some long-term sickness that made my life misery?
We are already here though. I cannot back out now. Or rather, my own pride will not let me.
I sigh, heavily and exasperatedly. It is time to face my demons. Possible demons. I follow Tubbo deeper into the graveyard, past fancy new graves just like old mossy ones. The bodies beneath them all look the same. We continue.
"Do you know where it is exactly?" Tubbo asks.
"No. Just the general area. My headstone should read Alec, it's not too common I think. It should be fairly new as well," I tell him. I do not add what else will probably be written on my tombstone. Beloved son, brother, cousin, niece. Taken from us too soon. I do not want to think of it.
"Hey, Alec?" Tubbo says.
"Hm?" I look up at him, remembering my surroundings. Then I look at where his hand is pointed, the one that is not interlaced with mine. I can feel my face drain of all colour.
So this is it. A modest grey tombstone with my name, full name; Alec Levesque. My birth date and death date. And the words dearly loved son and brother. I expected something to happen when I saw it, some memory, a flood of feelings that I could not explain.
I take a step towards the grave. My grave. I take another step. Tubbo lets go of my hand. I crouch down and stare at the tombstone. Then I notice a bouquet of nearly wilted flowers, carefully placed so it leans on the side of the stone. White lilies. I gasp and fall back on the ground.
Seeing those flowers, it is like someone opened the dam that was holding back my memories and now they come flooding back, drowning me. Earlier I had fantasised that upon retrieving my lost memories, everything would be fine. I would be sad, I would go see my family, and then I would be fine, ready to move on. Now I see what a mistake this truly is.
Just as anticipated, a flush of feelings overwhelm me with each memory. I try not to think about the images popping up in my head, but it is very hard not to. I see my mum and dad. I see my room, my school, Nora. Nora, my genius older sister. I see, I feel, no, I remember how my death felt. Memories tend to be quite deceiving.
I stare in horror at the bouquet, something vile and bitter rising in me. Anger. Like my death was those stupid flowers fault. That can not be how I died. There is no way. Hate simmers through me and I cannot look away from the lilies, wilted. I wish they would die sooner. I wish they will know how I felt, how I feel.
"Alec?" Tubbo's voice finally draws my attention away from the bouquet of white flowers and I look up at him. The hysteria must be in my eyes because he flinches when my eyes meet his. "Sorry, I just thought... you fell over, are you okay?"
For a second, I can not comprehend his words. It is almost like he is not even speaking English, or that I am unable to understand it.
I look down at the grass. Grass. That's how long ago my funeral was. There is grass growing over my grave. I let out a surprised chuckle, which I immediately regret. I clear my throat and (not so gracefully) rise from the ground, brushing off my pants of any dirt.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. Ready to see my house?"
~~~
Somehow, I always knew this would be the worst part of I ever got my memories back. Seeing the people I loved, unable to do anything. It has been too long, I would only be cruel to visit them like this now.
What would I even say? Mum, dad. Hi. Yes, I know I'm dead, but I'm a ghost now, we can be a family again. You won't ever lose me. It is ridiculous. I would have to watch them grow old, die, attend their funerals. I guess I would do that either way.
"Don't panic," I tell Tubbo before I go all ghost-mode again. I soar upwards, aiming for a window on the second floor. Not mine. Nora's. Except it isn't.
AUTHORS NOTE !
i was just at the dentist and finished this while waiting. fixed my tooth, got blood on my shirt, felt great. ANYHOW. NOT NORAS?? oooo