tw: This chapter contains scenes of abuse, as well as suicidal thoughts or actions. Read with caution.
"Why can't I know about the things you had to do?" I asked again. "Was it dangerous? Did any of it hurt? Were you scared?" Graham let a laugh that carried a twinge of annoyance leave his lips as he dug through his dresser for a pair of clean boxers. I sat on his bed with nothing but the sheets covering me and a frown lingering on my face.
"I'm not supposed to tell you anything, Ray." He warned me again as he came over and sat on the bed. "If you want in on top-secret information so badly, then roll up your sleeve one day and join." He said the words so casually like it were actually an option for me. Not right now, at least.
I shook my head quickly and the fear in my eyes grew as I tugged the blanket over me tighter like it would protect me from his words. His face shifted for a moment and he cleared his throat. For some reason, I had a feeling that was not the way I should have reacted.
"What was that look for?" He shook his head. My eyes softened and I leaned towards him.
"I just don't want to join. It scares me." I said softly. His face contorted with that sentence, too.
"So, I scare you now because I joined?" His voice grew bitter.
"No!" I corrected him quickly.
"Are you not on our side then? Do you think we're the bad guys?" He pointed towards himself with a scowl. "You know what happens to blood traitors— your mother found that out the hard way." His inked skin mocked me as he leaned back on his hand against the bed top.
"No, you aren't the bad guy. I never thought that, Graham." I shook my head again and bit my upper lip. I have always been too blind to think that. Too manipulated.
"Then what part of it scares you?" He asked coldly. I slowly moved towards him, slipping into his lap and keeping the top sheet around me tightly to stay covered in the cold bedroom.
"Just the... killing and stuff. A lot of things scare me... you know that." My voice dropped to a whisper as he moved his arm under my bent knees and across the center of my back to hold me. "It's just..." Don't cry, Rain. Please, don't cry.
"Killing comes with the job. It's always been that way." He hugged me against his chest. "That's all that scares you? Having to kill someone?" He knitted his brows and searched my eyes. I kept my lip between my teeth and bit down with another nod. His hand came up to my bedhead and pushed my dark hair away from my face. "The first time it's strange, but after that it gets easier." He said coolly. I felt my heart freeze in my chest and all of my muscles lock against him.
Graham was known for how heartless he was. That was one of the reasons the Dark Lord had looked forward to him joining his forces for so many years. It shouldn't have shocked me that he was so willingly to rip that away from someone. Rip their life away. Rip them away from everyone around them. But still, the thought rang in my chest and everything around me stopped.
"You-" My words were caught on my tongue and I looked into his eyes with horror. "You've-"
"Ray, I just came back from a job. Why do you think I looked as bad as I did last night?" He looked at me like I was stupid. For the first time in a long time, I felt stupid. "That kind of Dark Magic doesn't come without a price. It's cold and malicious, and it slowly consumes you." He said with a deep expression on his face. That was a sentence I would remember forever. His chocolate eyes didn't carry a drop of regret, and I felt like time was standing still.
"Baby, don't cry." He wiped his thumb under my eye, and the slight touch jolted my entire body. It wasn't something subtle that he didn't take notice to. "Rain, they deserved it. They were Muggles and Mudbloods." He said with more annoyance to his tone. I cowered down in his arms and felt small compared to him; a feeling I was so used to.
Too many memories were clouding my mind as I looked up at him. Memories I didn't want rehashed. Memories I couldn't think about right now or I'd enter a spiral.
"Why are you crying?" His words were dripping like venom now as his locked jaw stared down at me on his lap. Breathe, Rook. In and out. The gentle blonde spoke in the back of my head, and somehow I found comfort.
"I just... I was thinking about-" He gave me a frustrated look and waited on me to spit it out.
"About...? How much you hate me? How you want nothing to do with me? How horrible I am?" He put words in my mouth as I sniffled. I wiped a hand across my cheek and laid into his shoulder.
"About my mum. I-" I whimpered. His demeanor softened and his lips pursed together. This was one of few times he looked sorry for me in the year and a half we had spent together.
"I know, love." He turned into the sweet boy that loved me back with the flip of a switch. "But that was a long time ago. Your father should've had better control over that, but sometimes shit happens. It's not your fault she was a traitor. It's only her own." My stomach felt like lead with his words as he wrapped me up and stroked his fingers over the back of my warm neck. "I'm not like your father, baby. I'll always keep you safe. They can't take you from me— no one can." He gave me a protective squeeze. "You're mine. Forever." He thought his words sounded so sweet.
I couldn't move past the phrase he had just muttered into my ear to justify my mother being killed. Killed because of a stupid act of treason that I could never commit against Graham and the others because I would meet the same gruesome fate.
Shit happens.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
I kept my eyes as open as I could while Graham had me sitting on his knee in the common room. I ignored the stares and giggles of Pansy Parkinson and Daphne Greengrass that clung to a few of the boys across from us. They were wasted anyway.
I hated those bitches about as much as they hated me. The only difference was that I minded my fucking business, and they found any way to destroy me further like the other mutt named Greengrass— Astoria.
Tonight's agenda seemed to be focused on the fact that while their bodies were flaunted in their skin tight mini dresses, I sat in a pair of leggings and Graham's hoodie that hid away marks and scars they could never even imagine having on their bodies.
If Malfoy could see what I had done this afternoon... I'd be dead.
Wasn't that the point though? The point in any of the hurtful things I did to myself? To meet the same fate as my mum on my own terms instead of the terms of others. I loved Graham so much it was killing me. I couldn't love him like this much longer without snapping.
I was a confused mess. How could I spend my life with someone so wicked? How could I love someone so wicked? Why does my mind have more interest in someone I shouldn't be thinking about at all...?
Nothing was in my own control anymore. I didn't control who my friends were. What I did with my time. I didn't have a say in the things I wore, and I sure as hell didn't get a choice in how I wanted to spend my life.
Graham said it himself today. I was his forever. No one could take me away. At one point, I wasn't sure I wanted anyone to try to. But then I became fully aware of a blonde sin that had sat so close to me, but had been so far away all this time. He slithered into my brain and was eating away at everything I had known without even trying.
Now, I wondered why Graham's touch wasn't the one that gave me goosebumps and made my skin burn. I no longer looked for his eyes in the crowds of rooms. I didn't crave for him to be in the same proximity as me.
But Graham's hold on my hips tightened when I drank away another cup too many of liquor. My eyes searched the blurry scenery and the colored lights reflected the silver hair I would tug between my fingers like it was gold silk. But another girl was already doing that for me as she pressed her chest against his signature black suit.
My mind traveled back to the week that started it all. "You don't normally get like this," he referred to my drinking when we collided in the bathroom. I didn't. Because it reminded me of my father. But today I could see why my father and other's put themselves through this because it floods out the noise in your head.
The silver gaze that faltered my breathing found my stare and held it. My cravings in my stomach grew because with the return of Graham, it had been too many hours away from my new desire. The one I had grown to hate and think about all at once within the last week. The one that made me feel something. We had been separated too long for my liking.
His eyes stalked over my body before they saw Graham's hands holding me in a way only he could— in places only he could touch. Slowly, the blonde moved his hands over the tiny silk dress of the gorgeous girl before him— a look I could never compete with anyway even if I wanted to. Even if I could. His eyes matched mine one last time before I watched his skilled tongue meet hers in her mouth, and his hands cup parts of her that he wanted to claim.
Something inside of me snapped. Reality dosed into my brain, and the noise I had been running away from suddenly grew louder. Louder than it ever had.
If this is a fucking sign from Merlin, Salazar, God, whoever the greater man or woman is— then you finally win.
"Do you still have-" my vision whirled as I turned to look at Graham. I gripped my hands on his neck to keep from swaying off of his leg and tried to slow my slurred voice. "This pills. The ones that make you sober." I muttered while I used my finger and thumb to show my lover what I wanted. Graham's chocolate eyes glanced at me before he pulled the little pink pill from a bag in his pocket and fed it to me. His attention was off of me in a blink.
My mind cleared itself quickly from the intoxications I had carried away with to escape my shitty reality, but the bad feeling still lingered. The judgmental girls still lingered. Grahams forceful touch on me did, too. And so did Malfoy's mouth all over the beautiful girl that wasn't me. But why the fuck should that matter?
Graham had hooked up with Astoria more times than I'd like to know. I had never been wanted by anyone any other time. I knew I was worth nothing to everyone. But for some reason, knowing that the blonde was one of them, too. That I was an afterthought for him as well. It caved something in my chest, and my brain flooded with more noise. Noise I couldn't control. Voices I couldn't escape anymore.
Everything became overwhelming. I pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes and tried to control the shudder that I felt twitching in my shoulders. I couldn't do this here. I couldn't break in front of everyone. I needed to go to my quiet place. I needed a place where the thoughts are always quiet.
"Graham, I think I need some air." My shaky voice told him. He was too busy talking about taking the Mark with Pucey next to us— the boy who sounded like he was next in line. I went to stand from his leg and he pulled me back.
"Where are you going?" He finally snapped his head towards me. It had been a rough day. I had cried all day. I had been tired all day. I was stressed, and moody, and just felt like a teenage girl that had taken on too much. Graham didn't take that kind of behavior well from me after so long. He never did.
"I just told you, I need air." I begged him with my eyes to let me leave. I was suffocating. "Can't I leave?" I tried to pull his hand off of me.
"She's good at running off and finding places to hide," Adrian smirked as he brought his cup up to his lips. "Where you running off to now, Rookwood? We still haven't gotten to the bottom of your disappearance on Thursday." He rolled his tongue over his teeth while I held his strong gaze.
"Did you not listen to the rules while I was gone?" Graham kept his voice low as he tightened the hold of my elbow he possessed. I opened my mouth, but I never stood a chance in explaining my case— at begging for mercy. I never did.
"We had a bit of a tiff. Nothing you can't take care of now that you're back." Pucey spoke up first. Payback for what Malfoy had caused, I'm sure. He just wanted the enjoyment of me suffering like everyone else did.
"Tell him you're sorry." Graham clenched his teeth next to my ear while he demanded me.
"I'm sorry." I pleaded through a sharp breath. I need to leave!
"You won't disrespect him again."
"I won't disrespect you again." Adrian's malicious grin grew as I was thrown at his disposal by my superior.
"I'll be back." Graham gave a cold look to the boy next to him.
"Awe. She won't be returning for me to say goodnight?" Adrian gave me a taunting look as Graham stood me up and shoved me forward.
"She's done for the night." He said.
"Graham, I didn't do anything, I promise I didn't." I was on the verge of tears now as he pushed me towards the stairs of his dorm room.
"Pucey wouldn't lie to me." Graham spat in my face before we kept walking.
"I wouldn't either! I did nothing! I followed your rules! I listened!" I was a panting mess, but that didn't stop the door from being thrown open. "Graham don't. I promise!" I cried. He shut the door and placed a silencing charm so no one would hear our arguing.
"Quit fucking crying! It's all you've done all day, ungrateful bitch." He seethed at me before he shoved me on to the hard wooden floor. It had been a few days since he had gotten the chance to take all of his burdens out on me. I knew this time it wouldn't be pretty.
"Don't!" I covered my head with my arms and prepared for the drill I had known since I was little.
The sting of his abuse didn't hurt as bad when my emotions shut off after 15 minutes of it. Just like Malfoy warned me about.
"I'm going back downstairs to finally enjoy myself." Graham hissed as he worked his way to the bathroom to clean my blood from his knuckles. "The shit I've been through this week, and you just have to be a difficult brat to top it all off. You're nothing but a disrespectful whore." He spat at me. I didn't lift my face from the floor it rested against. I stayed down on the ground where I belonged.
"Are you going to your room?" Graham asked darkly. I shook my head as best as I could manage while my sights stayed focused on his shoes that stepped in front of me. He pulled my limp body from the floor and wiped my nose and lip clean for me with a scowl on his face. He placed me on his bed, and I wondered if he could see that he had finally broken me in a way that couldn't be mended anymore.
"Do you need anything before I go?" He kneeled next to my face so I could look at him. I was so tired. I tried my best to shake my head, but only a tear slipped from my eye and traced across my nose to finally fall on to his sheets. "Baby, talk to me." He cooed. He used one of his gentle touches to rub my cheek.
"It hurts." I croaked out. I shut my eyes tightly before I sucked in a sharp breath from the pain racing over my ribcage. I clutched a hand over my stomach and wondered how badly I was injured internally if the exterior looked as bad as it did.
"It wouldn't hurt if I wouldn't have to do it. If you listened to what you're supposed to-"
"I didn't do the things Adrian says. I stayed in your room every night because I missed you. I- I even brought Tundra with me. I stayed- I slept in your bed." I explained through my tears. It didn't matter if I followed the rules or not. Graham would've found a reason to hit me tomorrow. He could only go so long before he craved the power the sensation of hurting me gave him, and that ink on his skin only made his cravings grow stronger.
"I love you, Graham. I wouldn't have-" I forced my eyes open, but his chocolate ones looked away from my tears before the guilt could linger into his thoughts. He did enjoy this, but he hated how badly it affected me when all was said and done. His regret swarmed him for the first 20 minutes after every lesson and punishment before his emotions slipped away and he didn't care anymore.
"I'm gonna go back downstairs for a little while." He said in a husky voice. "Then I'll come back for you, okay?" He met my eyes again. He ran one of his hands back over my hair and pressed his lips against my forehead. "Just go to sleep, and I'll be right back." He mumbled against my skin.
"Promise?" I whimpered. My hand found his and squeezed it. He hummed in confirmation and kissed my skin again.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
I could only lay there for so long before my rotting mind started to rot away the rest of my body. Like a bad apple that touches the other fruit, the toxic chemicals in my brain made my body want to follow through with its treacherous ideas as it started to absorb the darkness. It was how I found the courage to sit my stiff body up and slip my shoes back on.
My hood was cloaked over my eyes as I shuffled through the empty hall. The music from the common room made my head throb as the blood rushed through it. If I could just slip past the crowd, there would be no harm done.
It had worked, too. Graham was enjoying himself without me there to weigh him down like an anchor. He looked free of my burdens. My lips even curled up when I saw how happy he looked next to Pucey. I wish I could help him find happiness like that. I only brought him misery— I bring everyone misery.
The halls were much quieter. It was nice to find some peace away from the monsters that haunted me in the dungeons. Blaise was no where to be found again, and I didn't have the time or the bravery to venture for him. My only source of happiness was no where to be found.
So I felt lost.
The air bit my cheeks when I stepped outside into the snow covered lawn. The wind rippled in a way I hadn't ever felt it. It was as if the weather wanted its turn at beating on me. I was the perfect punching bag to throw jabs at and feel better.
I laid my wand down on the pebbles by the shore. I was thankful Graham had broken something inside of me tonight, or I would have talked myself down. But my mind was finally numb, and I no longer cared.
I sucked in a harsh breath when I entered the frigid waters that the Black Lake housed. I wondered if the creatures below were ever affected by the temperature. It was possible they didn't even feel pain. Maybe they were strong like normal people, too. Maybe they had found ways to adapt and handle the pain these waters could cause.
The further I walked, the more my adrenaline started to rush. I couldn't tell if I wanted to vomit or if my stomach was just adapting to the cold. The water crept up to my knees, kissed my thighs under my pants, and started to find my bruised hips.
Just a little further, Rain. Don't back out now. You're so close.
I pushed my fears aside. Fears that I couldn't back out of this idea— even if I wanted to. Because I've said it before, and I'll say it again. These murky, dark waters will consume me. They will sweep me away for good.
A very important detail that most people seem to always over look, even though I've mentioned it before:
I can't swim.
All that's left to do is drown.