"W-Who's this?..."
My heart beats as if it's going to explode anytime.
Sa aking kaba, parang gusto ko nalang sigawan ang nasa kabilang linya upang ipakilala ang sarili niya. But I was stunned when the call suddenly dropped.
I tried to call Justin's number again but this time, his phone is already off. Tila sinadya itong patayin ng kung sino man ang may hawak nito.
Kung anong saya ang naramdaman ko kanina habang iniisip na magkikita ulit kami ni Justin, napalitan na ito ng magkahalong lungkot at namumuong pagseselos.
With whom Justin might be with this time?
Bakit sa dinami dami ng pwedeng sumagot sa phone niya ay babae pa?
So many what ifs enter my peaceful mind.
What if he's with someone else? What if he lied being in his class? What if he's making out with a girl?
I don't like how dirty my mind could get but I badly want to know.
Kahit masama na ang loob ko, I still contained the emotions I'm feeling inside. Mom shouldn't see how devastated I am because of Justin.
See? Kahit ganitong nasasaktan na niya ako, siya at siya pa rin ang iniisip ko. Iniisip ko pa din how to maintain his image in front of my parents. Ayokong isipin nila na Justin is not good enough for me because they might cancel what they had planned for us.
Ayokong ireto nila ako sa iba maliban kay Justin. Dahil siya lamang ang gusto ko. These tears I kept inside are the witnesses. Kung gaano kadaming luha na ang naiiyak ko at tiniis ko just because of I love him.
I have sacrifice a lot for him at hindi ako papayag na ibang babae lamang ang makinabang sa lalaking binuo ko. I made Justin as a someone who can fulfill my standards. Until one day, I already made him one. I made him THE STANDARD.
The pain of jealousy I felt a while ago turns into deep rages.
Who could that girl be? How dare her to step into my territory?
Hanggang sa biyahe pauwi, hindi na ako nagsalita. Mom offers to go somewhere else since I still have enough time before the choreographer arrive at our house but I refuse to do so.
Napapagod ako.
I'm tired both physically and mentally.
I'm tired physically on fixing the things I needed for my debut celebration plus the exhaustion I had on my study. On the other hand, I'm tired mentally thinking a possible way handle the pain Justin keep on making me feel.
"You look tired, hija." Mom touches the side of my face. I'm looking outside and distracting myself just to refrain myself from crying.
Hindi ako umimik kay mom.
"Sige na nga umuwi na tayo. Just rest for a bit while waiting for your friends and cousins. You guys need to memorize the dance. You only have more a week to prepare." She said as she gives up on me. "Manong, ideretso mo na sa bahay. We're going home, Ven is tired already. We'll just hang out next time."
My mind goes blank on our way home. Nawala sa isip ko ang lahat. Maging ang mga nadadaan namin na nakikita ko mula sa bintana ng sasakyan ay tila naglalaho. Mom kept on telling her stories but it just goes straight out of my ear.
I lost my mood already when I received a message from Justin.
Justin:
I'm busy a while ago. I'm on my way already.
I don't bother replying to him. I'm mad at the moment and by just seeing his name on my phone makes me want to throw it.
Kung pwede ko lang ipagpaliban ang rehearsal ay ginawa ko na ngunit hindi pwede. Konti nalang ang mga natitirang araw para ipagpaliban pa ito. Besides, I want to see Justin to see how innocent he look while he's having someone else behind my back.
Iyon ay kung tama nga ang hinala ko.
Hindi ko na hinantay si mom at dumeretso na ako palabas ng sasakyan. I went straight to my room and lay on my bed. I hugged a pillow thinking I can use it to ease the pain I'm feeling.
Habang nakahiga, I saw a picture frame on my bedside table. It was a picture of me and Justin when we graduated highschool. Last year lang ito nakuhanan.
We were smiling at the picture while holding our diplomas. His one arm is wrapped around my shoulder while I held him in his waist. Kahit sino siguro ang makakita sa larawang ito ay mapagkakamalan na magkarelasyon kami.
'We look good together, Ven.'
I remember him saying that out of nowhere that time. God knows how many butterflies I felt in my stomach when he said that. Buong araw ko hindi matagal ang ngiti ko. Mas masaya pa ako noon sa sinabi niya kaysa dahil naka graduate na kami.
And still now, I am holding on to that hope. That maybe one day, he'll realize that he's slowly falling in love with me.
But those hope are slowly fading away again because as we mature, his world is getting bigger. He began to meet people without me knowing. May mga kaibigan at kakilala na siyang hindi ko alam.
At kasama na roon ang kung sino mang babae na iyon.
***
I use the remaining time freshen up when Mom told me that my friends and cousins are already here. Nagpalit lamang ako ng damit at nag-ayos ng kaunti. I tied my hair in a messy bun leaving a few strands to style. I check myself in the mirror and thinking if the short and simple shirt is already okay.
Even though I'm not in the mood. I still want to look good because that's the only thing that will remain constant. Kahit masaktan pa ako ng paulit ulit, never in my life Justin will have the chance to see me literally looking devastated.
When I make sure that I look good, bumaba na ako at hinanap sila. Doon ako itinuro ni manang sa basketball court sa likod ng mansion.
It's a half court dad built for my older brother Vincent. Noong bata pa siya, tuwang tuwa siya na mayroon siyang ganito sa bahay. He even played with dad back then but when he grew up, things have changed.
Dad became busy on his business while Vincent began to focus on his study fulfilling his dream to become a doctor. Kaya mula noon, nagagamit na lamang ito whenever my younger cousins came by to visit. The court is spacious enough to use for the rehearsal.
"Ven is here!" One of my cousin shout.
Napalingon sila ng dumating ako. Tama nga si mom, nandito na sila. I smile at them nang makalapit ako.
My girl friends, Joan and Brianna are busy talking with Yexel and Gio. While Gia, is just sitting on the corner next to the girls quietly scrolling on her phone.
Three of my cousins also came. Isa sa kanila ay babae at dalawang lalaki. They're my cousins on my dad's side. Pinili ko sila dahil sila lang ang mga kaedad ko at dahil kailangan ko rin ng dalawa pang magka partner para sa cotillion. At isa pang lalaki to pair with one my girl friends. Dahil paniguradong kulang kami.
Nakita ko rin doon ang choreographer na sinasabi ni mom. He introduced himself as Teacher Jojo or just jojo. He said whatever we like to call him is fine. Ngayon ko lamang siya na meet at sa itsura pa lamang ay alam ko nang magaling siya.
Halos lahat sila ay naroon na maliban sa isa.
"Yexel, where's Justin?" I asked him.
Agad naman siyang napakunot ng noo.
"That's what I was about to ask you. Sinabi niya kanina pa na mauuna na siya rito. Pero pagdating namin dito, siya 'yung wala pa." He said.
"Teka? Hindi ba't blockmates kayong tatlo? Bakit si Ven ang tinatanong niyo?" Nagtanong na rin ang naguguluhan na si Joan.
"Kayo dapat ang may alam kung nasaan siya boys." Bumaling sa akin si Brianna. "What did he tell you? Nakausap mo na ba siya about the rehearsal?"
Tumango ako.
"He said he still on his class and he's busy. But he also told me that he's on his way here about two hours ago."
Kumunot naman ang noo ni Gio.
"That's weird. Hindi naman siya pumasok sa huling class namin. Bigla nalang siyang nawala before the last class begin." Paglilinaw ni Gio.
"Totoo ba iyon, Yexel? Nag skip class si Justin?" Joan asked Yexel and that offended Gio.
"Hey! You think I'm lying? Wala ka bang tiwala sa akin? Wala nga siya sa klase kanina." Gio said.
Inirapan siya ni Joan.
"Eh malay ko pa ba ano? Eh loko loko ka. Tumahimik ka nga Gio, nanggigigil ako sa itsura mo. Lumayo layo ka sakin at kay Gia. Baka mapasapak ka niyan anytime."
"You're harsh. Did I do something wrong to you? C'mon!" Nanlalaki ang ilong niya na angil kay Joan. Gia just give an him an annoyed glance then went back to her phone again.
"Weird ha. Wala naman silang practice ngayon. Napadaan ako sa campus court, wala naman siya roon dahil ang alam ko ngayong oras pa lang magsisimula ang practice nila." Dagdag ni Brianna.
I don't know what to say anymore. He lied being in his class and skip. What is he lying about?
But when Brianna is about to give him a call to ask where he is. Justin suddenly came. Biglang nandito na lamang siya nang hindi namin namamalayan. Sa akin siya unang lumapit and he give me a kiss on my cheek.
"Sorry, I'm late. May ginawa lang ako."
Napatingin kami ng girls sa isa't isa.
Since we have limited time left, hindi na kami nag aksaya ng oras. Teacher Jojo teach us the choreography of the dance.
Brianna is paired with Yexel, Gia unfortunately paired with Gio, Joan is paired with one of my cousin, two of my other cousin are paired with each other and of course, I was paired with Justin.
While dancing, I can't help but to notice my friends. Brianna is having a hard time with Yexel who have trouble coordinating his feet. Nakakailang irap na si Brianna dahil laging natatapakan ni Yexel ang mga paa niya. Kamot ulo naman itong humihingi ng paumanhin kay Brianna. Yexel smiles every time he makes mistake and it makes Brianna almost cuss him.
Joan is enjoying the company of my cousin. Mukhang nagkakasundo naman sila. I was surprised when I saw Joan having a lot of patience on dancing. Tila gusto niya talagang makasayaw ng maayos dahil alam kong ayaw niyang mapahiya sa harap ng pinsan ko.
Nakakasunod rin sa sayaw ang dalawa ko pang pinsan. Tutok na tutok sila sa pagsasayaw kahit pa paminsan minsan ay nagkakamali. They just follow Joan his partner who's in front of them.
Sa kabilang banda naman ay masama na ang kinasimangot ni Gia habang magkahawak kamay sila ni Gio. Kanina pa siya nagrereklamo na dapat ay sa pinsan ko na lamang siya naikapareha. Wala naman akong magawa dahil si Teacher Jojo ang nagpareha sa kanila dahil bagay raw silang dalawa ayon sa kanya.
I can see how Gio is also uncomfortable with Gia but chose to set aside all his feelings in order to learn the steps. Ngunit kapag may pagkakataon na binibitawan ni Gia ang kamay niya at kinukuha niya ulit ito. Kaya ganoon na lamang ang masama nilang titigan sa isa't isa.
"You should place your hand here." Inilagay ni Justin ang kamay ko sa balikat niya.
Hindi ko ipagkakaila na iniiwasan ko ang mga tingin ni Justin mula kanina pa. Kahit sabik akong makita siya, hindi pa rin mawala sa isip ko ang nangyari kanina. Kaya ganoon na lamang ang gulat ko na nauna siyang magsalita sa aming dalawa.
"I-I'm sorry.." I told him still avoiding his eyes. Patuloy lamang siya sa pagtingin sa akin sa hindi ko malaman na dahilan.
"Ayan Venisa, you're getting it. Just follow Justin and the rhythm of the song. From the top, okay guys! One two...three and four..." Teacher jojo said as he rewind the song from the beginning.
We practice the dance again and a few more times before Teacher Jojo give us a break.
"Fifteen minutes break then we'll rehearse again. We'll stop when you guys memorize the steps. The song isn't that long so I know you can do it." He said. He turned off the music as he speaks. "Go take your break guys!"
Sakto naman na nagpadala na si mom ng meryenda. All of them ate what mom had prepared for us while I just drink juice because I have no appetite to eat.
While they're eating, napagpasyahan ko na pumasok muna sa loob ng bahay. Pumunta ako sa dirty kitchen kung saan ang daan mula sa court papasok ng bahay. I lean against the island bar counter, trying to be alone. And I was surprise when Justin follows me.
Ako agad ang hinanap ng mata niya when he enters the kitchen. Agad tuloy akong napaayos ng pagkakatayo nang bigla ko siyang nakita.
"Justin?"
"Sorry, I enter without consent." He apologize without realizing he's been treated by my parents as part of our family ever since.
"It's okay.." I don't know what to say so I keep on thinking what to say next. "Do you need something? Water? Let me get you some." I said and was about to open the fridge when he suddenly held my hand.
I looked at his hand then into his eyes.
"About the call." I swallowed all the pride I have and fear is the only thing that's left.
He know what he did.
The truth is, I really did not expecting him to tell me anything about the call after it happened because I am used to not having the explanations I deserve. Doon ako sinanay ni Justin. Na huwag maghintay sa paliwanag na hindi naman kailangan marinig.
What I'm expecting instead is, he will keep on lying like what he did today. He didn't tell me he skipped his class. Or where the hell did he go dahil mas nauna pa sa kanya sina Gio at Yexel na pumunta rito. Considering our friends already told me they might come late and he texted me he's on his way already even before I came home with mom.
Hindi ko na siya maintindihan, lately. He's been acting so strange that our friends have no idea what he's been up to. I understand that he's busy for the sportsfest and all that. Pero hindi ako mapanatag na pati sa practice ay wala siya tulad ng sabi ni Brianna.
If he's not on his class with the boys, Yexel and Gio, whom his blockmates...or in their basketball practice... Saan naman kaya siya napunta kung ganoon?
"Yeah..." I clear my throat and prepare myself for his excuses. "Someone...pick up the call for you..."
"You don't need to worry about her, Ven."
"Her?" I emphasized.
I saw him take a deep breath while looking intently into my eyes.
By just looking at him now, he look like he's a guy who just admitted that he's been cheating on his girlfriend. Kahit ang totoo niyan ay kailanman ay hindi niya naman ako binigyan ng anumang panghahawakan para sa aming dalawa maliban sa pagiging espesyal na magkaibigan.
"Who's h-her...Justin?" My voice broke.
And just how I badly demanding him to speak...
Bigla naman ginusto kong bawiin ang tanong ko sa kanya.
I wished I shouldn't have asked him in the first place. So that I don't need to hear his answer.
"It's..."
He looked away.
"It's...Selena."