We spent the entire rest of the day and nightfall rushing off towards Hilltop; braving the dark and its possible dangers to bring an old friend back safely. She did the same for me once upon a time. I can't turn my back on her; she needs me like I did her. The sun is now cresting over the land; the biggest tell that we are close to our destination. Hilltop is a days ride from the Kingdom. Now, I'm only twenty minutes away from everything I've built in the last few years to come crashing down around me. I tighten my grip on the handle bars at that thought. Anxiety painting little kisses along my flesh, leaving goosebumps in its wake.
I'm riding my bike, accelerating down the long winding road. To my left, Charlee had taken the motorcycle I had brought back so many years ago; Caroline's little body sits in front of me, while Wren has her arms wrapped around my middle, riding bitch behind me, and Kellin is curled in front of Charlee. I cast a glance to my right, Jamie and James riding horseback together, keeping up with us with ease.
I spent the time preparing myself for the questions I'm sure I'll face on the other side of the trip. I'm unsure of what, or who, is waiting for me inside the gates of Hilltop. I only have the information Jesus would share with me on his visits; but it's been six years. I'm not exactly the woman these people would remember, and I'm sure a lot of them have grown over this time, for better or for worse.
James hasn't been exposed to much of anyone outside of the Kingdom or people who knew of my lie. He was once caught off guard when he learned that there's four communities, filled to the brim with different people, surviving and trading in this fucked up world. I can't imagine how he's feeling, riding towards one of the three he's only ever heard of. He's listened to all the stories from the farm to the prison to Alexandria and Negan. But at the time, they were stories, and now he's about to come face to face with everyone. I smirk, realizing, it's only a mater of time before he meets my husband. Between you and me, he's not his biggest fan - "cause he abandoned my baby sister when she needed him most." I find myself wishing for technology once more; I'd love to record that interaction.
I truly haven't gotten over the anger and heart break from hearing that he's moved on; easily giving up on the search because he thought I was dead. Yet, on their visits, he tells Carol that he hasn't found Rick's body, so he's having trouble parting with that search. Maybe Owen was right; he didn't love me as much as he had claimed.
The petty side of me still feels pride in myself for handing the bitch her ass that day. Maybe if we ever come face to face again, Leah might rethink attacking me. However, I don't have high hopes. The air around her made my stomach turn. I don't know how Daryl fell for her act. I could tell by looking at her that she's a piece of shit. Though, I'm sure people could say the same about me. Oh well, Leah is not my problem; just an annoyance that helped break my heart further.
Sometimes, I played with the idea of hunting Daryl down. But as soon as the thought would stir, images of Leah would mix in. I had to swallow the sob that would build in my throat. I wouldn't ruin a relationship even if my life depended on it. I'd be lying if I said I was over him and fell out of love over the years; but I'm no liar. I just force myself to put all the hurt and trauma behind a wall so I could be present to my children and family. I did what I had to do to survive; and it's something I'll continue to do.
My blood runs cold as the sight of another bike and two other horses barreling towards us; I raise my hand, gesturing for the others to slow down and stop. I bend down, bringing my concealed lips to Caroline, "if this is an enemy, I need you to run to Uncle James at my signal like we rehearsed. Got it?" She nods, small body radiating with tension. She pulls her frame forward while Wren untangles her arms from my waist. I kick my legs over, carefully stalking towards the middle of the road, keeping my family protected at my back. Charlee decides to join my side. Together, we grip our weapons, keeping them trained on the ground. Charlee has acquired a bow and arrow that is now taut in her grasp, ready to let the arrow fly at the worst case scenario while my dual swords are tight in my grip, ready to swing.
She nods at me in acknowledgement, face tight with worry.
Before I could react, Caroline dashes off the bike, heading off towards the group as they inch closer. Shit! I rush over, wrapping my fingers on her shoulder, shoving her behind me. "Uncle Jesus!" She shouts excitedly, not giving me enough time to reprimand her.
Jesus?
I cast my gaze up, spotting Jesus grinning down at us from his horse. My eyes widen, seeing Daryl watching us wearily from his bike. Sighing, I return my swords to their home across my back. I watch as the rednecks sight rakes my body, a guarded curiosity masks his own face. I glance behind me, Caroline's small blue eyes return her fathers stare with one of her own, recognition lighting her innocent features. Charlee relaxes next to me, but it doesn't reach her gaze, glaring at the redneck. Another figure lingers atop the second horse; I elect to ignore him for the moment. I'm thankful I opted for the outfit I found on the day I took down Owen; though, my identity will not be hidden for much longer. No matter how much I had tried to mentally prepare myself for this moment, nausea still sinks its claws into my soul. I swallow hard, returning my focus to my friend, observing Jesus dismount his horse. He drags me into an embrace the second his feet kiss then ground.
"What the hell are you doing here?" He inquires when he pulls away, tone astonished as he drinks in the sight of us. This isn't the first time he's seen me in this outfit; he knows exactly who has come to crash their party of three. "Are you finally -"
Caroline steps around me, running into his arms. I grin at the sight; he's grown close to my children. Kellin chooses to remain on the bike Charlee abandoned temporarily; Jesus waves at my son, smiling in greeting.
"Yes," I raise my chin, knowing the question before it falls off of his tongue. "Rosita radioed me yesterday. Her and Eugene are in trouble. She sent me to Hilltop to give y'all a warning. I came as soon as I could." She's risked her life to bring me back; I owe her the same courtesy.
He nods, surprise and understanding dancing on his handsome face. "Aaron and I found her yesterday." I spot Aaron observing this interaction carefully, his expression guarded, though, I detect hints of curiosity; just like the redneck not far from me. "Eugene is still out there. We are going out to look for him." At my silence, he continues, "I could use you out there 'cause I don't know what we are walking into."
Sighing, I steal another glance at the archer, considering Jesus' words. Charlee clears her throat, dragging my attention to her, "go. I'll take everyone to Hilltop. By the sound of Rosita yesterday, it might be good for Eugene to get to see some good news; The Reaper is personally saving him herself. Too bad I won't see his reaction to being recused from someone that 'died'," she teases, attempting to break through my anxiety.
In the corner of my eye, I detect Daryl grow tense at the admission that fell from Charlee's mouth, a frown etching itself into his scruffy face.
"Okay," I agree, allowing the joke to fall flat. I turn to face my family, placing back to the three figures on the road, "Caroline, Kellin, I need you to stay with Aunt Charlee, Aunt Wren and Uncle James, okay? It's only a few minutes up the road."
I feel little arms wrap around my stomach, I tangle my hands into Kellin's long messy brown locks, "I love you, mommy," his small voice dances on the air that's growing thick. I get to my knees, getting on their level, giving both of my children tight hugs, and painting little kisses to their foreheads. It's been so long since I went on a run myself, leaving their safety to someone else. My stomach lurches at the thought.
"I love you, too, baby," I mumble. "I love you both, so so so much. I'll be back as soon as I can. But I need you two to listen really well to the adults, okay? Someone needs my help so I need you guys to be on your best behavior." They nod, tiny faces pinched with worry. My eyes lock with my family behind them, "get back to Hilltop safe."
"Tell them Jesus sent you, and that your family." Jesus offers from behind me. "Tara is back there. She'll remember Charlee and Wren." Oh right, he's the current leader of that community. Maggie is off, assisting Georgie on a mission or two.
"There's no fucking way," I peer over my shoulder, observing Aaron come to the realization, putting the pieces together, "Vanessa?!"
I laugh, pulling myself to my full height, spinning on my heels to face him, opening my arms for a dramatic flare, "at your service, old friend." If I'm giving up my identity, I'm at least going to have a little fun with it.
At my confession, Aaron jumps off his horse, reaching for me. I peddle back, right hand flying to my gun while my left stops his advance. His eyes zero in on my fingers wrapped around the weapon still in its holster. I cock my head, daring him to take a step further. "I thought you died! Wait," His eyes seek out Jesus, swallowing hard, "you knew?"
"Don't touch me," I warn. "We will catch up, I promise, but we need to head out and save our genius."
I notice Daryl has grown into a tense silence. I'm unsurprised that he's deciding to let the news fall flat on him. I elect to ignore him and the thick air swirling around him for the moment. I watch James hand the reigns of the horse over to Jamie while he takes my bike; his face tight as his gaze flicks to my husband. He hasn't met him personally, only heard stories and seen pictures, "be safe, runt. Jesus, I'm trustin' ya take to bring my baby sister back safely... she's been through enough. She sacrificed a lot today." Okay, apparently he's returned to protective big brother mode. "If things get tough, don't give up on her like those in ya current company." His eyes returning to staring down Daryl. Well shit, he went there, wasting no time going for the archers throat.
"James. I'll be back as soon as I can. Just keep everyone in line; you don't have to worry about me." I ground out.
"You got it," Jesus drags his attention to me, helping my short ass accompany him atop his horse. "Glad you're back, Lilith." I wrap my arms around his middle as we dash off into the early morning sun.
I crouch next to Aaron and Jesus, observing a herd of walkers stumbling and milling around. I feel a pit grow in my stomach at the sight; this isn't normal. They just don't do this. I never considered the possibility that they could evolve, but maybe, just maybe, they are in regards for survival. I mean, we as humans have done that for thousands of years. Why not them?
Without glancing back, I hear Daryl's approach. He went ahead; tracking and observing the environment around us for other immediate threats. I ignore him, gaze not leaving the scene playing out several yards away. It's like a bad train wreck; I can't peel my eyes off of it, even if I wanted to. I'm having an issue processing what I'm watching.
"There's 'bout 130, 140 of 'em." Daryl announces as he reaches the three of us; I chew on my lip in thought, nerves eating me alive from the inside. The sound of his voice breaking my soul a little more as the day goes on. I swallow hard; I'm doing this for Eugene. I knew I'd eventually come face to face with the redneck, but not like this - being thrust in the field with him almost immediately. Though, we've been ignoring each other for the better part of this trip. I know it's only a matter of time before something breaks the Cold War waging between us.
Though, I hope I'm wrong. I'm unsure if I could a handle a conversation at the moment. I'm still so angry and heartbroken.
His new dog, ironically named Dog, comes to sit beside me, panting happily. I bring my hand over, absentmindedly rubbing his pelt. I've always been a dog person myself. Cats like me well enough. However, I think it's a trick. I believe they can somehow sense my allergy; it's like they want to kill me because I can't help but pet the little cuties. My impulse control flies out the window when sweet little fur balls want any type of affection from me; if my little stunt with Shiva once upon a time doesn't prove that point.
I'm unsurprised by Daryl obtaining a canine companion; it feels almost perfect for him. Good for him.
"You ever see them do this before?" Jesus questions, gesturing to the scene playing out several yards away.
Aaron shakes his head, "No. Never."
"No," is all I offer.
Daryl clears his throat, "Rosita's back trail goes right through 'em. We should get the horses, circle around, then we'll pick it up on foot."
"What about them?" Aaron questions, gaze seeking out the redneck while I still pointedly ignore him. Jesus and Aaron look back towards Daryl while I keep my focus on the field several yards away. What can I say? It's still so awkward and tense. I'm just trying to get through this new adventure with what is left of my sanity still intact.
"What about 'em?"
"They're just milling around. That's not normal." Jesus' echoing the thoughts I've had not long ago. Two great minds and the like.
"No. No, it ain't. We should go." Daryl grunts, "there's a storm comin'."
I stand, somehow not regretting my choice to answer Rosita's call. My children and family didn't need to be out in the open with the dead acting odd. I send one last look at the herd, feeling unease crawl up my spine.
I walk between Jesus and Aaron while Daryl is busy tracking ahead of us. He's continuing on ignoring me as much as I am with him; I tune out the conversation the two men beside me are having, trying to calm the nerves and unease I had felt from watching the herd mile around aimlessly. What does this mean for our future in this world? They were dangerous enough before this. I close my eyes, growing thankful I started training my children at a young age.
"So, Vanessa, I'm grateful you're alive, but what happened?" Aaron's curious tone drags me out of my racing thoughts. I tense, stumbling for a second at the question I was unprepared for. "I mean, there had to be a reason you went under ground." I feel Jesus stiffen under the sudden change of topic - Aaron is edging towards a very dangerous conversation with me; I didn't even get the enjoyment of small talk. No games. No foreplay. Just straight down to business.
I clear my throat, trying to quiet my dizzying memories. "Yeah," I squeak, sputtering. I shake my head, "sorry, I'm unsure how to give you the answer you're looking for." Truthfully, I still haven't voiced my time being held against my will. No one knows, even to this day.
"Was it him?" He quietly asks. Him. Owen. I know the details of the rumors Carol sent through the communities. She gave them as much as the truth as she could; his name was very fittingly attached to those.
I nod, "yeah. From my understanding, Justin was working with him." I swallow the lump growing in my throat at the memories trying to break down the wall I set in place. A wall that's helped me come back from the edge I found myself on, even years later.
"Justin was killed by Oceanside later that day," my head snaps in Aaron's direction, surprised. He's dead? That explains why he was absent and I didn't see him.
"Huh, good for them." I deadpan. "Karma is a fickle bitch."
He sighs, "it's been six years..."
I put my hand up, stopping him, knowing the next question on his tongue. My gaze flicks to Daryl a few yards away, begging the universe that he's not overhearing the conversation I'm having with these two. "Aaron, I was there for five months until Carol, Jesus, and company saved me. It was hell. Literal fucking hell. I couldn't fight back. When I did, he killed my father in my fucking arms." I blindly rub my arms at the memory. "He forced my hand when he threatened my step brother, my husband and my children if I did it again. I stayed complicit to protect them." Aaron's eyes widen at the news. "Yes, Owen is dead. I tracked him down and killed him several months later. I choose to stay away after because I was a monster for a better part of two years. I lost myself. I made Negan look like a fucking saint. I was also very angry, feeling like every single one of you forgot about me. I'm still very angry. I almost gave up. I almost let myself fall into the darkness that begged to take me every time he'd leave my cell. I made Carol start the rumor of my demise so I can deal with things on my own terms. I had to deal with everything on my plate from afar. Otherwise, I would've hurt someone." My eyes darken at the memory of the rage I felt in my soul for so long. Every once in awhile I feel that pain slam against the wall I thrust it behind.
Another reason I had stepped back from the runs - I would kill anyone and everyone that fell into my path. I was on a rage and trauma filled rampage. I have so much blood dripping from my hands. I'm not proud of the woman I was. I embraced the monster he thought I was, and I became her, for two years too long. I regret it every day I wake up. I reach up, wiping a stray tear, remembering their screams. I peer over my shoulder, feeling the panic from the memories claw at my throat.
"I'm sorry, Vanessa." Aaron breaths out, somber tones cutting into his voice.
I shrug, "he's dead and I'm alive. That's all that matters." I'm uncomfortable with speaking about why I was playing dead for so long. Though, I knew this was high up on the list of questions I knew I'd be facing.
"I understand now," he offers. His eyes locate Jesus at the other side of me, "so you were there for her?"
Jesus nods, "A few of us knew since we were the ones to save her. Carol, Jerry, and Ezekiel. Everyone at the Kingdom. From Alexandria, Rosita and Siddiq. I tried getting her to come back, but I saw why she couldn't." His gaze seeks me out, "I almost didn't think you'd make it out..."
"I'm their best kept secret," I deadpan; waving my hand, "It's fine. I don't make those kind of calls lightly." Honestly, I made it out of anger and fear, but there's neither here nor there anymore. "I did what I had to do," I shrug, "then I got too comfortable, living a quiet life. I didn't have to worry about raising my children in a fucking war zone."
"So those rumors that you were alive are obviously true." Aaron points out, chewing on his lip, digesting the news. "Caroline and Kellin have gotten so big." I sigh in relief as the topic changes from dangerous to safe. I can and will discuss my kids for hours. I'm proud of my tiny humans.
"Yeah, sightings when I was being too careless," I groan. I grin at the mention of my children, "those two certainly take after myself and their father. They are smart as hell and give Jesus a run for his money when it comes to hand to hand combat."
Jesus laughs, "I thought I might get a break from you manhandling me when I took on the training them; I was stunned at the strength they have at their age. Smart, compassionate, and cunning like their mama, but can be rougher around the edges like their father." His eyes lock with mine, "you did a good job raising them."
"Thank you," I breathe out. In the moment, Daryl grabs our attention, dragging our focus back to the mission at hand. He gestures for us to follow as he's formulated a plan to distract the herd long enough for us to locate Eugene so we can bring him home safely. My blood runs cold when Daryl's eyes meet mine, his blue's filled with the same pain and torment I felt along time ago. He heard our conversation. Shit.