J A C K
My fingers tense against Leo's cheek. I take a step back, eyes wide. My hand drops from his face down to my side as I stare at him, unable to comprehend what he's just said.
I want to go home.
Normally, I can read him like a book, every word, every twitch of muscle, every breath he would take could paint a clear picture in my mind of what he was thinking. Normally. Right now, however, in this very moment, I've never felt more sightlessly impaired.
I want to go home.
His words echo around in my mind, to the point that I feel them rest on the tip of my tongue. Home tastes bitter. More than bitter, it tastes wrong. I swallow thickly as a relentless force of crippling anxiety takes a swipe at my heart, like a thousand bullets are ricocheting from each aching beat.
This isn't his home anymore — not to him.
"You want to go home?" I repeat, my tongue feeling dry against the roof of my mouth.
He nods wordlessly, his gaze set on the oak trees at the base of our garden — our garden — is it even ours anymore?
"Le," I pause, finding myself tongue tied. My gaze turns pleading, "Please, don't." Please don't leave. I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, hating myself for begging him to stay when he wants to go. "Don't leave."
I've never gotten in Leo's way when it comes to his choice, anything he says, anything he does, anything he wants; I'll always be his biggest supporter. Until now. Now, I'm doing something I swore I never would: I'm putting myself before him. And I can't stop the tears that threaten to fall from my own realisation.
I'm so sorry, Le.
Leo looks at me and inhales sharply, I can feel the pain that one breath causes him all the way down to my bones. I stare back at him, my eyes burning when I realise I still can't decipher the emotions in his. I can't read him — and that terrifies me.
"Charlie," he tilts his head, locking eyes with Char over my shoulder. "Give us a sec?"
I don't hear Charlie's response, too focused on observing Leo that I don't even realise his therapist has left us alone, not until Leo's shoulder brushes mine as he passes me.
"C'mon, fratello," Leo's voice is lighter now. His hand takes gentle hold of my wrist as he guides me towards the bottom of the garden, I let him tug me along without hesitation.
He sits on the grass, his legs crossing into a basket as he tilts his face to the stars. Without even looking at me, his hand pats the patch of grass merely centimetres from where he sits. I comply with his silent offer, taking the space beside him as my body mirrors his: legs crossed, eyes to the sky.
Silence engulfs us as we focus on the dark world around us. I listen intently as the wind whispers to the trees, a gentle passing gust as the branches sway and the amber burnt leaves fall from their once secure home, a dainty dance in the air till they reach the damp grass and fall limp.
Other leaves from surrounding trees fall above them, different colours, shapes and sizes, their decent just as magical as the last until they hit the earth.
I watch in wonder as each leaf that's lost it's home finds comfort with another, regardless of the fact they'd fallen from separate trees, they still bundle together in a pile of amber and green, mending their veins as the dampness of the earth secures them as one.
It's ironic really, like the leaves, Leo lost his home, too.
"I can't stay here, Jack." Leo's voice lingers in the hollowness of the air around us. It's soft, quiet and guilt-ridden.
I lay my hand on the grass between us, ignoring the way my heart twists at his words. Without hesitation, he puts his hand in mine.
"I know." I say, voice choked. I squeeze his hand, twisting my eyes to his. His are teary, too. "You found a new home." My throat strains as I attempt to swallow. "And- and that's okay."
Leo's hand squeezes mine harder, his fingers trembling against mine. "Home isn't always a place, and it isn't only one person." He pauses, eyes holding mine.
"This will always be my home, you will always be one of the ten people in this house that make it my home." He reassures, voice filled with so much certainty. "But, right now, this home isn't the home I need."
I want to respond to him — but I can't.
Just when I think I have Leo figured out, he delivers a sucker punch to my heart that takes my breath away. His words, how he delivers them... it amazes me — he amazes me.
This fifteen year old kid has been through so much hurt, so much pain, so much unjust and yet, he still puts himself second and finds a way to reassure me, even when he's the one on the verge of drowning.
"The moon looks pretty tonight," Leo says in awe, pulling me from my frozen state.
I turn to him, my face mirroring the confusion I feel. He smiles at me, a soft smile as he shakes his head, once again reassuring me that he doesn't need a response to his previous words.
"You like the moon?" I stupidly ask, unable to find anything else to say.
"Mhm," he hums in content. "On a starless night, it's surrounded by dark and it's shine never dims." He concludes with a nod, voice turning quiet, wistful even. "It gives me something to believe in, reassures me that even if I'm surrounded by darkness, I have the strength be my own light sometimes."
"Ignore me," he exhales a breathy laugh, shaking his head as his lips fall downwards. "Sometimes, I let myself hope for things that are unreachable."
"It's not unreachable," I squeeze his hand, trying to convey my words with as much conviction as my voice allows. "Not if you've already achieved it." He frowns as his eyes meet mine, now is my chance to reassure him — to be here for him.
"You have been your own strength for years, Leo. You've dealt with things that other people could never understand, and you've battled through them — are still battling through them, against demons that want nothing more than to see you fail. That takes guts, and courage, and strength." I enunciate, feeling the truth of my words light up the air around us like a million stars.
"Forget about the moon, you are the fucking sun. The bravery flows from you in waves, you have an inner glow that nothing — no one can ever touch. For eleven skies, you are that one blinding sphere of power and radiance. You're your own sun, Leo. You're our sun, too. Without you, we would freeze just as earth would without its sun."
Leo's mouth falls agape as he stares at me, his blue eyes shinning with unshed tears. He withdraws his hand from mine and my heart plummets, an aching beat of fear as I allow myself to believe I've said the wrong thing.
I almost allow for that terror to consume me, until Leo's arms enclose around me in a tight hug, one filled with warmth and clarity, one that tells me my words meant just as much to him as they do to me.
"Thank you," he whispers, voice hoarse. His arms squeeze me tighter, to the point I can barely breath, but that doesn't make me relent from his hold. I'd happily die from the lack of oxygen than ever pull away from Leo's chosen hug. "Thank you so much."
"You never need to thank me for being honest." I tell him, brushing my lips against his temple. "I meant every word, Leo. Every. Single. Word."
He doesn't say anything in response, his fingers curling around my sweatshirt as if he's afraid I'll let him go. Never, Leo, never. I feel the warmth of his tears drip down my nape, gliding around my neck as they mix with my own that glide down my cheeks before slipping from the base of my chin.
The force of our hug never wavers as we cry together, brothers in arms.
—
"Are you okay?" I ask Leo.
It's been at least thirteen minutes since our never ending hug began, and whilst our grip on one another loosened ever-so-slightly, our bodies never unbind.
"Yeah," he swallows harshly, pulling back to offer me a small smile. "I am now."
I return his smile before stretching my arms up and behind my neck to soothe my stiff limbs. I close my eyes and allow myself to get lost in my head for a moment, stuck in the thoughts of Leo leaving.
My stomach swarms with bad butterflies, ones of nerves and apprehension, when I think about the chaos his departure will no doubt bring.
"When are you going?" I force myself to ask as my eyes drift back to his.
Leo sighs softly, his face morphing to a frown as he gazes at me. "I need to tell them I'm leaving and say goodbye, then I'll go." He looks nervous, the way he twists his hands together tightly tells me he is.
"I can tell them," I offer, wanting to relieve some of the burden from his shoulders.
He looks at me appreciatively. "You wouldn't mind?" His gaze drifts to the trees once more. "I don't think I could cope with the disappointment."
"How many times do I need to say that I'll do anything for you, before you believe me?" I smirk teasingly, bumping my shoulder against his. I pause, mood twisting sombrely.
"They won't be disappointed, you know." I add softly. "Maybe a little sad, possibly guilty, but never disappointed. You came here, and you tried, that was brave in itself. They'll understand why you need to go."
"They'd be happier if I stayed, though." He says, more to himself than me.
"Of course we would," I agree without hesitation. "But this is about you and what will be better for you. Not them. Put yourself first for once, kiddo."
He gulps, voice strained as he speaks. "Okay."
"Okay," I nod, my lips lifting as pride swells in my chest. "I'm proud of you, Le. So fucking proud."
Before Leo can respond, though he doesn't need to as the smile on his face is enough, someone interrupts us.
"Room for one more," Emilio announces himself as he squeezes between us, his voice, though I can tell he's tried to hide it, is strangely solemn.
"Always." Leo tilts his head at him, looking at Emilio with that same soft look that Alex has whenever he looks at me.
"I'll leave you two to talk," I tell them, leaning around Em's shoulders to pat my brothers back. "Everything will be okay, buddy. I promise."
—
I hold my breath as I push the door open and enter the dinning room. From the tension filled mood, I can tell little has changed in the hour Leo, Charlie and I have been gone. Well, other than the fact that Callan, Lily and Killian are now missing, too.
Do I even want to know? Probably not.
Like always, my eyes find Alex's first. He smiles at me, one that comes off as more of a grimace; telling me that it has indeed been the shit show I imagined it to be.
"How's Leo?" Zac asks, words rushed.
I force my gaze from Alex to him. He looks anxious, his hands clasped tightly as his leg bounces profusely. His hair is messy, as if he's ran a stressed hand through it one too many times.
"He's okay," I pause, unsure of how to tell them. I decide to stall a little, giving myself some time to prepare for the emotions my news will bring. "Emilio's with him right now. Where's Lily, Cal and Killy?"
Ace rolls his eyes. "Lily fucked off after Em followed Leo. Killian, then, fucked off after Lil fucked off. Cal, then, fucked off after Kill and Lil fucked off because he wanted to check on them."
"God, Ace, language." Grey looks ready to slash his own throat with his butter knife.
"Oh, sorry," Ace's face morphs to false sympathy. He turns to me, mischief gleaming in his blue eyes. "Lily scopata dopo—"
"Ace, enough!" Zac reprimands, tone exasperated, whilst Carter and Kaden hold back a laugh. He narrows his eyes at them before his gaze shifts to me. "Did Le say anything? Are you sure he's okay?" He begins to stand from his seat, "Maybe, I should go—"
" — Leo wants to go home." I cut him off before he can fully leave his seat, well and truly ripping off the bandaid.
Zac's face pales as he limply falls back to his seat, his eyes leave mine almost instantly. He focuses his gaze to the table as his shoulders tense. I swallow thickly, my heart pulsating rapidly in apprehension when I see the shine of his tears reflecting as the light from the chandelier above us meets his cheeks.
"Oh," he finally breathes out, voice strained. "Okay." He nods after a short silence, hand reaching to rub the stubble around his jaw before he rests his thumb and forefinger against his forehead.
"Okay?" Carter looks baffled. "What the fuck do you mean by okay?" He pushes to his feet. "You can't let him go, Z. His weekend home can't end like... this."
"It's all fucking Lily's fault," Ace decides, scoffing as he, too, stands and begins pacing the room angrily.
"Ace," Alex sighs.
"Don't fucking Ace me." The tension in the room shifts, building and building as Ace continues ranting about our sister. "If she wasn't being such a whiny little bi—"
" — watch your fucking mouth." I cut him off, eyes narrowed as my jaw clenches. I don't care how much Lily has upset him, even if she was out of line for how she acted earlier, he has no right to call her anything other than her name.
"Of course, you'll defend her," Ace laughs humourlessly. "Everyone always defends her, even when she's in the wrong and I'm fucking sick of it. She was being a bitch, Jack."
"You're a bitch every fucking day, so what's your excuse?" I taunt him, clenching my hands into tight fists as the urge to punch him becomes almost unbearable.
"Yeah, I am," he nods, arrogant smirk lifting as he folds his arms over his chest.
"I can admit that, and you — all of you can easily tell me that. So why can't you do the same when it's her, huh? What's so different?" He looks around the room, eyes gleaming when he receives no response. "Yeah, silence, as fucking usual." He laughs.
"If none of you scolded me for being in the wrong, then I'd never learn. Coddling her and comforting her when she's fucked up is only going to turn her into a spoilt fucking brat."
"Ace, stop." Alex is staring at me as he speaks, as if he knows I'm on the verge of killing his brother. "That's enough, both of you quit it."
For the first time in forever, I ignore Alex. My eyes burning with rage as glare at Ace.
"A bitch? A spoiled brat?" I scoff, bitterly.
"Let's turn back time and lock you in a basement when you're only a toddler, Ace. Let's isolate you from the world around you, have books be your only source of knowledge with no human contact, unless that contact is punches when you're being beaten black and blue. Tell me brother, how would you cope?" I seethe, my anger intensifying as he glares at me.
"Why don't instead of berating my sister, you actually try and walk a mile in her shoes before you judge her so quick." I walk towards him, my face only inches from his.
"You," I press my finger against his chest. "Wouldn't last a fucking second."
I let my lips lift into a snarl as my eyes run from his face to his feet. "Lily fucked up, she made a mistake. I'm not coddling her, it's called being understanding and empathetic, Ace. Two traits that you're fucking lacking."
A hand grasps my waist, forcing me to take a step back from Ace, my chest heaving. I already know without looking that it's Alex who's holding me back. I don't say anything else to Ace, allowing him to mull over my words.
From the corner of my eye, I can see Killian standing at the kitchen door, his whole body radiating with anger.
For a moment, a fleeting second, I hope Ace doesn't respond. Killian shouldn't have to see this. Whilst I'm pissed that Kaden witnessed our 'showdown', he has a higher tolerance to anger than what Killian does.
Ace laughs, a deep laugh filled with rage. I turn my eyes back to him, hoping the look I'm giving him somehow coneys my inner words of shut the fuck up.
"Oh, I get it now." He shakes his head, bitter amusement in his voice. "So because she's been abused she gets a free pass to hurt everybody else, even if they're hurting too?"
"Ace, what the fuck?" Carter sounds pissed.
I don't pay attention to him, too focused on pulling away from Alex's tight grasp, eager to wipe that smirk from Ace's arrogant face.
To my surprise, Killian — fucking Killian — beats me to it.
A crack reverberates around the room as Killian's fist lands a kinda solid punch against Ace's cheek. It doesn't inflict as much damage as I'd hoped for, if anything, I think Killian hurt his hand more than he did Ace's face.
"Holy shit." Kade says, voice a mixture of awe and shock.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He spits, words laced with fire. I've never seen Killy so worked up. "Our sister is going through enough right now without this fucking bullshit."
"Fucking language," Grey all but squeals, putting his head in his hands as if he's ready for the world to swallow him whole.
I move between the two, unsure of how Ace will react. He rubs his cheek as looks at me, rolling his eyes before scoffing, as if he's pissed I'd even assume he'd hit Killian in retaliation.
Killian moves further back, as if he's only just realised what he's done. "Oh shit, ouch." He winces, shaking his swollen fist.
"Let me see your hand, idiota." Ace pushes past me, taking Killian's hand in his own as he examines the swollen flesh. "I think you've sprained your thumb."
Killian looks on the verge of tears. "How on earth can you go around punching people all the time? It freaking hurts." He winces again as Ace presses his finger against his thumb.
Ace smirks but doesn't comment.
"I need to take you to the gym," Carter looks at Killian with hints of both pride and disappointment. "No brother of mine can go around punching like that."
"He's not going to be going around punching anyone else," Zac adds, voice stern as he walks towards Killian. "Are you, Kill?"
"No," he flushes bright red. "I'm not."
Zac smiles, a weak smile, "Kade, go get ice for your brothers hand."
"Oh yeah, get Kill ice but none for me." Ace rolls his eyes, again. "It's not like I'm the one who got punched or anything."
We ignore him.
"You know, with a nickname like Kill you should really be more lethal." Carter thinks a-loud. "It's putting your name to shame, bambino."
"Carter," Grey thumps his head against the table. "For the love of God, shut the fuck up."
"I second that." Alex adds, turning to me he looks around the room before he mouths.
Are you okay?
I smile slightly, squeezing his shoulder as a silent answer, one that I hope he understands. As long as you're here.
"Why's there blood on your shirt?" The alarm in Zac's voice snaps every set of eyes to him. He's looking at Killian, or more so, the blood on Killian's sweatshirt. "Did you cut your hand?" He grabs Kill's hand, examining it again. "Show me where, bambino."
Killian pales as if he's just realised something. He stares at the blood on his shirt, his peaky face turning a stale shade of grey as his hands begin to tremble.
"It's not my blood." He whispers, voice quiet yet thick. "I- I forgot that Cal asked me to come get you, he needs your help."
Carter stands in an instant. "Is he okay? He's bleeding?"
Killian is silent for a moment, as if contemplating his response. He smiles, one of reassurance, one that I can instantly tell is fake.
I share a look with Alex, knowing, without a doubt, that he can tell too.
"Yeah, sorry, he's fine." He waves Carter off, and like the idiot he is, Car believes him and exhales a long breath before sitting back down.
Killian looks back at Zac, "He had another nose bleed, I um couldn't help him... you know... 'cause I don't like blood. So- so I said I'd get you. He wants you."
"Another one?" Zac looks even more worried now. "He just had one yesterday." He voices, more to himself than anyone else. "Where is he? In his room?" Zac's walking towards the door before Kill can even respond.
"Uh, no," Killian stammers. "He's in Lil's room, she's um helping him?"
My worry rises in tenfold.
What did you do, Lil?
—
Ten minutes later, Zac, Lily and Callan enter the dinning room.
With the advantage of knowing exactly what to look for, my eyes scan my sister from head to toe. My gaze lingers on the white bandage peeking out from beneath the sleeve of her large hoodie. I knew it.
Oh, Lil.
She meets my eyes, her face twisting to one of guilt. It's okay, Lil, I didn't keep my promise either. As she walks to the seat beside me, I reach out and pull her into my arms, hugging her tightly to my chest.
"I'm sorry," she mumbles softly against my sweatshirt.
"It's okay," I whisper to her, ensuring my words are quiet enough not to be heard by the others. They're too busy fussing over Cal too notice anyway, well, all bar Alex. "I'm not mad, I get it, sis." I kiss the side of her head. "Next time you feel so down, you come to me, okay?"
She nods against me, unable to respond with words.
As if on que, Charlie, Emilio and Leo choose this exact moment to stroll into the dinning room.
My brother looks pale, his shaky hand grasping Emilio's tightly, whilst his eyes remain on the floor. Charlie notices this, his honey eyes glued to Leo. He purses his lips and sighs before leaning over to whisper something to Leo, too quietly for any of us to overhear.
Leo deadpans and shakes his head, but Charlie ignores him.
"WE HAVE TO GO, MY GRANDMOTHER IS DEAD!"
"Charlie," Leo groans, hiding his face as he rests his forehead on Emilio's shoulder. "It's okay, you don't have to do this." He mumbles softly.
"It's not okay, grumpy," Charlie wheezes a gasp. "My grandma, the light of my world," he snorts told himself, completely breaking character. Sobering up, he clears his throat and forces tears. "Is dead. D.E.A.D; dead, Leo, dead."
"Why do I feel like she's not dead?" Alex asks the question we've all, minus Carter, are wondering.
"Because she's not," Leo huffs out, glaring at Charlie. "I told you it's fine! Jack's already told them that I'm leaving."
Lily stiffens in my arms, but remains silent.
"You're sick, you know." Kaden decides, pursing his lips at Charlie. "I mean, who lies about their grandma being dead?"
"Listen, evil twin." Charlie glares at him. "My Grammy is a bit of a hag, if I wanna say she's dead then I'll say she's dead."
Grammy, Grammy, Grammy... why does it sound so familiar?
"Evil twin?" Kaden grins, sticking his tongue out at Killian, who merely rolls his eyes.
"We're gonna miss you, Le." Callan stands and moves towards our little brother, opening his arms. "Hug or no hug mood?" Leo hesitantly accepts, stepping forward into Callan's warmth. "Visit soon, yeah? I love you."
"I love you, too, Cal."
The hugs last for at least three minutes per person, ten for Zac, who seems unable to let Leo go. "I love you so much, bambino. So very much."
"I know, Dad. I love you more." Leo tells him, softly, gently pulling himself from Zac's hold.
It's clear on his face that the hugs are becoming too much, so when Leo comes to me, I simply wrap my arm around his shoulder, giving him a half hug. "You okay?" I murmur.
"Mhm, thanks for everything." He tells me, twisting to latch me in a full warm hug. "I love you, Jack."
"Not as much as I love you."
Leo pulls back, smiling at me before his eyes turn to his twin. He inhales sharply, staring at Lily with a look I can't quite decipher.
I think we're all surprised when he hugs her, Lily more than most. She wraps her arms around him, hesitant yet hard. "I'm so sorry, Le." She whispers, her words unheard by anyone but me and Leo.
"I know," he mumbles in response. "I can't- I'm not ready to talk yet, Lil. But I promise we'll work this out soon. I love you, okay?"
Lily nods against him, "I love you, too."
Leo pulls back first, giving Lily a soft smile before he makes his way to Charlie.
As we walk Leo and Charlie to the main entrance, Leo pauses at the doorway, his eyes turning to Zac almost instantly. I don't even have the chance to distinguish what that look means before Leo latches Zac in another bone crushing hug, the latter hugging him back just as tight.
"I'll see you soon," Leo tells him, voice muffled by the fabric of Zac's sweater.
"Whenever you want, Le." Zac reassures. "Just say the word and I'll be there."
Leo smiles, giving Zac one more heartfelt squeeze before pulling back. His eyes remain solely on Zac as he and Charlie take their leave, Emilio following behind them.
As the door falls shut, only then does Zac allow his tears to fall. His shoulders shake as he sobs into his hands, the rest of us in a state of shock at witnessing him break down.
"Z," Grey places a hand on his shoulder, only for it to be shrugged off.
"I just-" Zac inhales a staggering breath, gazing at Grey with bloodshot eyes. "I need some time alone."
He walks away without another word.
—
end of chapter 77
thoughts?
Jack?
Leo?
Ace?
Killian?
Zac?
p.s: there's only around 13 chapters left, and I don't think you're ready for what's to come.
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4500 words