A thunderous sound exploded in the air as David slammed the door shut behind him. He fell to his knees, crippled by his emotions as he hunched forward and gave into the overwhelming need to vomit. He was sick, and he was certain it wasn't the alcohol that plagued him but his decision to send the woman he loved away.
He loved Eloise...
What point was there in denying the truth of his affection towards her? It didn't matter how much he fought it, how much he tried to keep it buried in his heart, he had always known he loved her. Hell, he knew the second he saw her in that tavern, kneeling there, defiant in the face of ridicule and humiliation. It was why he went to her, why he had interfered with the sale in the first place. He knew the second she raised her gaze to him and he drowned in the pool of her blue eyes. His heart had stirred at the sight of her, and frightened by his reaction to her, he had made to walk away.
"One shilling!"
She had offered herself to him for next to nothing because she needed him, and he had taken her because he wanted her. It didn't matter how hard he fought to rid himself of his desires, he knew he would always want her.
Tonight, while she sat next to him on that bench in the music room, he wanted to take her in his arms and hold on to her forever. He wanted to kiss her, to tell her she was right, that he was indeed in love with her. But fear held him back by reminding him of the woman his love had destroyed. It was love that blinded him to Adeline's illness. He had lived in denial all those years, and when it became too apparent to deny, his own hands had pushed her to her grave. How could he live with the guilt of doing the same to Eloise? No! It was in her best interest that he denied loving her. He thought if he told her he felt nothing but pity, she might loathe him enough to want nothing to do with him.
It had pained him beyond words to look Eloise in the face and tell her he didn't love her, but it had killed him to send her away right after she confessed to loving him. It felt like his soul had been ripped out of his body, and it had taken all of his willpower to walk out of the room.
Wiping his mouth with his sleeve, he staggered to his feet and summoned a servant. Once he had given instructions for Eloise to be taken to the leased property outside of London, he spent the next several minutes wrestling with the crippling need to go to Eloise and beg her to stay with him. And he had nearly given into that need when the sound of approaching horses drifted to him.
Rising from his position on the bed, he went to his window in time to watch Eloise emerge from the building. His breath caught in his throat at the sight of her. She stood there on the porch, clinging to her carpetbag as she conversed with the footman, and while he couldn't see her face, he knew she had been crying. He saw pain in her stance—in her slouched shoulders, and in the way the soft breeze swayed her fragile form. If only he could go to her, he would take her in his arms and kiss away her pain. He would bring her up to his chambers and hold her through the night like he had done the evening before in the mausoleum.
He shook his head, unwilling to let his love for her sway his decision to send her away. Releasing the curtains, he returned to his bed. It was the right decision, he thought. Letting her go would guarantee her safety. He would not be selfish with his decision this time, like he had been with Adeline.
David spent the first half of the evening tossing and turning in bed, plagued by thoughts of Eloise, while the second half was spent nursing an excruciating headache. By the next morning, he was too exhausted to function, but he was determined to leave London immediately, for he feared if he didn't, he would give into a much more powerful determination to find Eloise and confess to loving her.
"Summon the footman," he told his valet, who had just finished overseeing the scrubbing of the floor. The poor man had quite literally walked into David's vomit that morning. "Prepare the carriage. We leave for Oakham Hall right away."
Confusion creased his brows briefly, but he didn't argue. Bowing to the waist, he made to turn around.
"And Adam." David sighed, knowing he couldn't leave Adam behind this time. With his parents dead and Jon likely mad at him after their fall out last evening, he had no choice but to take Adam with him. "Have a maid prepare him for the trip immediately. They needn't pack anything, our bags shall be sent on a later date."
"Of course, my lord."
After the valet went to do his bidding, David spent the next half hour trying to force his breakfast down his throat. The eggs tasted like paper, and he found the smell of the fish too foul for his stomach. Choosing to blame his loss of appetite on a hangover rather than a lovesick heart, he turned his attention to the pot of tea. He hoped the sugar might strengthen him and ease his nausea enough to embark on the long journey back to Oakham Hall. He had nearly finished the entire pot when a knock sounded on the door.
"Enter," he commanded gruffly.
A maid entered and bowed. "Forgive me, my lord, but I thought you might want to see this," she said, burying her hand in her white apron and extracting a piece of paper.
He raised a brow. "What is it?"
"It was found in Mrs Taylor's room." David felt his heart quicken at the mention of Eloise, and fighting to suppress his emotions, he reached for the paper. "One of the maids went in there to inform her of the impromptu journey back to Oakham Hall, so she might prepare herself, but she wasn't there. This note was found on her dresser. It is addressed to Master Adam, but I thought it best to bring it to you. I fear Mrs Taylor has run off..." she was saying, but he barely heard her as he stared at the note; first taking in Eloise's perfect penmanship, then taking in the message she sought to convey.
My dearest Adam,
Something has come up and I'm forced to leave your side. It grieves my heart, the mere thought of your devastation once you have learned of my departure. Even more so, it grieves me to be away from you. You must know I carry you in my heart at all times; I shall never forget you—how shall I? Nor shall I ever stop loving you...
Will you ever stop loving me, Eloise? David wondered, his gaze fixed on the note as he thought of her. He knew it was a cruel thing to say, but he wanted her to stay loving him. He wanted to possess her heart forever, even if he was forbidden from possessing her body. And he knew she possessed his heart; he knew she would always possess him.
Perhaps someday, upon the wishes of God, we might be reunited. Until then, I ask that you not depart from all I have taught you.
I love you, now and always.
Mrs Taylor.
He finished the note, then re-read it severally until he had every word memorized. It was true it wasn't addressed to him, but he wanted to own the words. He wanted to be the one she'd always love; he wanted to be the one she'd carry in her heart forever—the one she would never forget.
"My lord," the maid called, reminding him of her presence. He had been so engrossed in Eloise, he had forgotten he wasn't alone.
"You're dismissed," he murmured.
"And Mrs Taylor?"
He raised his gaze to her impatiently. "She's well. I'm aware of her departure and it's nothing to worry about. Go."
Nodding nervously, she curtsied. "Very well, my lord."
He watched her scurry out of the room before turning his attention back to the note. He was required to hand it to Adam, but for some reason, he was reluctant to part with it. A part of him wanted to store it in a safe place where he could reach it when he needed to reach her.
Releasing a soft sigh, he rose from the table and made his way downstairs. He waited in the drawing room until he was joined by Adam several minutes later.
"Where is Mrs Taylor?" Adam stretched his neck to look behind David, before turning to glance at the hallway. Finding nothing, he turned back to David with a frown on his face.
David tucked his hand in his breast pocket and pulled out the note. "She had to leave."
He watched the blood drain from Adam's face; horror widening his eyelids. It appeared to David that Adam was living his worst nightmare.
He shook his head. "No, that cannot be. She... she can't leave."
"She wanted you to have this." David held out the note to him, but he shook his head once more, tears filling his eyes.
"Where is she?! Where did you take her?!" he yelled.
"Adam," he warned, stepping forward. "Do not behave like this. Mrs Taylor has gone on to live a much happier life. It is not your wish that she live the rest of her days here, serving us, is it?"
Adam opened his mouth as if to say something, then he closed it again. Whirling around, he ran out of the room.
David heaved a tired sigh, tucking the note back in his pocket, before making his way to the waiting carriage.
"Find Adam," he instructed the footman as he climbed into the carriage.
Several minutes later, the footman reappeared with a red-eyed Adam, who entered the carriage and sat across from David without resistance. For three days, while they journeyed, Adam said nothing. He simply kept his head bowed or his eyes fixed on the scenery outside the window. David was himself emotionally distraught over Eloise's departure, and knowing he was to be blamed for it, turned to Adam on the fourth day as they neared Oakham Hall.
"It might prove uplifting to read the note she left," he said, breaking the stiff silence between them. But Adam neither turned to acknowledge him, nor did he respond.
Heaving a tired sigh, David pulled out the note from its home in his breast pocket, where his heart laid drumming dully in his chest, robbed of its rhythm. He cleared his throat.
"My dearest Adam," he began. "Something has come up and I'm forced to leave your side. It grieves my heart, the mere thought of your devastation once you have learned of my departure." He thought he heard Adam shift in his seat, but he didn't glance up to confirm his suspicion, for he feared if he did, Adam might retreat from him again.
"Even more so," he continued, "it grieves me to be away from you. You must know I carry you in my heart at all times; I shall never forget you—how can I? Nor shall I ever stop loving you."
Adam sniffed. Pausing, David raised his gaze slightly to find Adam watching him, tears glistening in his eyes.
"Would you like for me to continue?" he asked. He had thought that the note might help lift Adam's mood. It was certainly not his intention to further upset him with it.
Nodding slowly, Adam reached up to wipe his tears.
"Very well." David bowed his head once more. "Perhaps someday, upon the wishes of God, we might be reunited. Until then, I ask that you not depart from all I have taught you. I love you, now and always. Mrs Taylor."
Silence settled over the carriage. David stole a glance at Adam, who now sat with his head bowed.
"If she loves me, why did she go?" he murmured so softly that but for the silence of the evening, David would not have heard him.
"Perhaps she didn't have a choice. Sometimes, love forces us to be apart from the people we love." He thought of his own need to be apart from Eloise in spite of his love for her—because he loved her.
"Is that why you're always away?"
"Me?" David watched him, confused.
Adam shrugged. "You don't have to pretend you love me."
He frowned. Did his own son think he didn't love him? Perhaps he was not the model father, but it never crossed his mind that Adam might have felt unloved. Yet, now that he was forced by his confinement to the carriage to ponder on the past few years, he saw how his absence had forced his son to believe he was unloved.
"I—" He opened his mouth to tell Adam he loved him, but the words died on his lips as the carriage came to a halt. The footman came, and they were no longer alone. Adam jumped down from the carriage, running into the building before David had the chance to say anything more to him.
Swallowing his disappointment, David climbed down after him. He was greeted by an enthusiastic Mr. Sullivan at the door. Even Mrs Edward appeared happy to see him until she learned of Eloise's departure. At dinner, David dined alone. He thought the silence depressing, but so was everything in his life since Eloise left. After several minutes of trying and failing to get his stomach to comply with his body's need for nutrition, he abandoned his plate untouched and made to return to his bedchamber. But as he passed by Adam's room, he found the door ajar.
He paused in his tracks. Gripping the knob, he pushed the door enough to stick his head in. Adam was on the bed, curled on his side in a fetal position. David stared at him, and not for the first time, he regretted his decision to send Eloise away. Perhaps if he had considered the effect his decision might have on Adam, he would not have asked her to leave. Perhaps it would have been best to banish himself to a place where he would be incapable of further hurting others.
"Go away," Adam said.
"Would you like to keep the note Mrs Taylor wrote?" he asked. When no response came, he pushed the door open and stepped into the room. He pulled out the note from its home in his breast pocket and placed it on the dresser. He was unwilling to part with it—with her. But once again, he was without a choice.
Stiffly, he turned from it and made his way to the door.
"Perhaps you might desire to join me for breakfast tomorrow?" The words left his lips before he could stop them. He thought it was because he didn't desire to stop them; because he hated the feeling of loneliness that gnawed at him.
Adam said nothing, and David was unsurprised by his silent rejection as he closed the door behind him and returned to the solitude of his bedchamber.