*SOME TIME LATER*
The window outside my new therapist office overlooked a garden. I could see large koi fish in the pond. It had been unusually hot the past few months. Watching the fish made me want to go swimming soon.
“Hello Lily. It’s good to see you again.” Dr. Sparrow came in from her private office, her leather notebook in hand. “You are looking very well, have you settled into your apartment?” I smiled up at her as she sat across from me.
“I actually took the last of the boxes out this morning. I never imagined moving would be so tiresome.” Exhausting was the word, you consider just living out of cardboard more times than you care to admit.
“And how are you adjusting to living alone?” She was good at keeping her face neutral. Her eyes shifted only slightly when I said something that stirred her. I took a deep breath, not really ready.
“It’s still difficult. I leave the t.v. on all the time. I’m still sleeping on the couch. I have started napping in the bedroom though. When my parents came to visit last weekend, they brought me a cat. Ruby wanted a cat from the shelter and it had siblings. Ruby didn’t want me to be alone.” Sweet little Ruby, a mix of full happiness and sadness swirled in my chest.
“How did you do with Ruby? Did you have any feelings of inadequacy after seeing her this time?” I shook my head. No. That is gone now. “No, I’m happy to see Ruby. I enjoy spending time with her as my little sister now.” I took a moment before continuing. “ It’s just the lingering…feelings about Johnny. I wish I knew where he was, if he was ok.” Dr. Sparrow tapped her pen on her knee.
“What were you going to say there, when you paused.” She raised her eyebrow at me. I scrunched my nose up at her, she was too good at her job. “I can only help you through this, you have to do the hard work.” Her large red framed glasses caught the sunlight light, glowing.
“Guilt.” She nodded and wrote something in her journal.
“It’s ok to feel whatever you are feeling, you just have to be honest.” She took a few more moments to write. “Have you spoken to Giles?” Just his name still makes my chest tighten a little bit.
“Sort of. He wrote me back. He wants me to come to his Graduation. He wants to live somewhere in New England, says he thinks I’ll love it there.”
“Your face changed.” How could it not. “Tell me about how you felt reading Gile’s letter.” Her eyes were sharply focused on me.
“I feel all kinds of things. He wants us to get back together, he wants me to come live with him. Then in the next sentence he says he thinks we are doing the right thing, we both need the time. He’s just as confused and lost as I am when it comes to our relationship.” I laced my fingers together and squeezed as tight as I could. “It’s been so long and I’ve moved forward in every part of my life expect, him.”
Dr. Sparrow poured a glass of water from the pitcher beside her chair and offered it to me. The cold water spread through my chest with a calming effect. Talking about Giles always worked me up, even if I didn’t notice.
“Is he still dating Helena?” I shook my head.
“It’s Birdie or Goldie or something like that now. It hasn't been serious since me.” I had been awakened on more than one occasion to an emotion filled message from the flavor of the month. I knew that he wasn’t leading them on. Girls just can’t resist trying to fix a broken boy. “I wish he would though, I feel like the only thing holding him to me is the tragedy.” Before she could respond the red light started to blink. The red light meant an emergency.
“I’m so sorry Lily, please give me a moment.” Before I could even form a thought she was back. “This is going to be a while, I’ll have Sasha call and reschedule.”
“That alright, I hope everything is ok.” I left the building and sat in my car for a few minutes before my train of thought was derailed by a notification on my phone. I got a new email. A second interview for a position as a counselor at a therapy group. I called the Director. “Hello, Sarah, I just got the email.”
“Hi Lily! I’m so glad you called. We just went through all the video interviews and resumes. We have four positions available and provided that you fit in with the existing therapists at our clinic in Maine, you basically have the job. ”Eh? What now?
“I’m sorry, did you say Maine, as in the state?”
“Yes, we have several locations in our network. We feel you will fit best in that clinic and you are already on the east coast! We would love to fly you up on Sunday, meet everyone on Monday. If things go well, we can talk about salary, setting you up with moving expenses, your office and our clients. Sound good?” I was more stunned than anything. What a great opportunity, but I had just moved. I had just settled.
“Um… yeah, Absolutely.” I just started out my windshield. The landscaping around the building was neat, but the heat had the vegetation wilting. My throat suddenly felt just as dry as the top soil baking in the sun.
“Great! I’ll send you the flight information in a few. See you soon!” Her chipper voice was in dire contrast to the feeling blooming in my chest. I drove home with a busy mind. I must have been very lost in thought because the sun was setting before I realized I was still in my car. I went inside and called my mom. She was over the moon, and making plans for trips to Maine in fall. I kinda checked out after the third time she said ‘ the leaves will be so beautiful for family pictures’.
I was already on the plane before I really came back to myself. I had spent so much time going the opposite direction of Giles. Focusing on my future. Now I was headed exactly where he wanted us to be. He was in Pennsylvania, so I wasn’t really worried about actually seeing him. But the fact that somehow I was ending up exactly where he dreamed we would be, really messed my head up. I was so sure that high school was it for us. What was happening?
I hoped a warm chocolate chip cookie, and an extra anxiety pill would help me through. I choose to watch the childrens animated movie. Usually they are better than the “adult” movies anyway. The cute little chef cooking in Paris was fun to watch, and the flight passed in no time. I filed off the flight with my fellow passengers and saw my name on white board.
“Hi, I’m Lily.” The older man looked completely uninterested.
“Do you have any bags?” I shook my head.
“No, just my carry on.” He turned without a word and began to walk away. I was apparently supposed to follow. A car was waiting at the curb and we silently drove to a beautiful house that had obviously been turned into a hotel or Bed and Breakfast.
“Everything you need is in here.” He handed me a manila envelope without looking back. I took the envelope and exited the car. As soon as I was clear, he peeled out. Rude. At least the place was absolutely gorgeous. A lovely sage green, it looked like a house built a few hundred years ago with love for a large family. Beautiful accents of a round tower on one side and octagon tower on the other. The covered porch run the full length of the house and It was easy to see the family spending summer evenings there.
They must have really liked me, otherwise I’d be in a motel. A jolly older woman came out of the front door, wiping her hand on the apron tied around her waist. Her white hair was pulled up into a neat ball on the crown of her head. The brightness of her smile could light up the darkest night. I felt better just being near here.
“You must be Lily. I’m Viv. Sarah said to be expecting you this evening. I hope you are hungry, dinner is almost done.” I couldn’t help but smile back as he walked to greet me. We met each other at the bottom of the porch. “I have your room all ready for you.”
“Hello Viv. This is so beautiful!” We went up the steps and inside. The scent of caramel and pipe tobacco warmed my soul. You would never think this was a business, it looked just like a home. An old postmasters desk in the corner served as the check in, the laptop looked severely out of place. Viv opened one of the small drawers and pulled a keep with a navy ribbon out. “Do you take long term tenants because I think I could move in here. It’s like coming home to somewhere I’ve never been before.” Viv chuckled.
“Well thank you, that is what I love to hear. Room three just down the hall there. Ten minutes for dinner, love.” The room was just as wonderful as the rest of the house. I tossed my bag on the bed and took my phone into the bathroom. I took it out of Airplane mode and immediately the notifications went berserk. My father left a voicemail to call him back. His voice was very calm in a way that made my stomach lurch. He picked up on the first ring.
“Are you sitting down?”
“What's happening?”
“Are you sitting down?” His voice was still very calm.
“Yes. What is happening? You are freaking me out.” He took a deep breath.
“We are at the hospital with your brother. He had a stroke.” My brain went static. Of all the things. “I know that you just got to Maine for a job interview, but your mother is falling to pieces.”
“Ok, give me a few minutes.” I set for a few seconds before calling Sarah. “Hey, Sarah.” My voice started to shake, the uncontrollable thoughts in my mind invading the rest of my body. “I have just learned that my brother has suffered a stroke. I’m so sorry, but I have to go home.”
“Oh, no. Of course. I hope that everything turns out well. I’ll reach out in a few days ok. I’ll let Viv know you're leaving earlier than expected. Can I help with travel arrangements?”
“Oh, no, thank you though. Bye.” I took a few seconds to center before calling my dad back. “Hey Dad, I’ll have to get a flight. How is……everything.” There was a long pause.
“Not good. He’s still alive……for now.” Not long then. My dad never tried to sugar coat anything. I always expected it to be sudden, but never drawn out. I always thought it was going to be a call that he was dead. Overdose, a fight, a car accident. I always knew he was going to die from using. The thought that something else would do it was shocking more than the fact that he was going to die.
“What happened?” The phone rustled.
“Lily?” My mom had been crying and I could hear Ruby fussing.
“I’m here momma.” There was a kind of relief in her breath.
“I don’t know how you're going to feel about this, but it’s the quickest way for you to get home.” What?
“Okay?” I took a breath in.
“It happened right after you got on the plane. I was really upset and I just wanted you to be home.” This didn’t feel good.
“Just say it mom.”
“I got a hold of Giles. He is on his way to get you and drive you back.” I tried to speak but she talked over me. “I already looked at flights. I know that this is all really upsetting for you. I’m sorry. But you can be home tomorrow morning if you got with him tonight.” Anger was starting to boil up my throat.
“Put Dad back on the phone.” I’m sure that my tone caused the burst of tears I could clearly hear as she passed the phone back to him. “Do I really have a choice?” He cleared his throat.
“Given the information we have now, If you want a chance to see him, no.” Fuck.
“Ok. I’ll contact Giles with the address here. I’ll let you know when we get on the road.” I didn’t give any room for more conversation to progress. I ended the connection with my father. I started at the screen trying to decide if I should call Giles or simply text him the address. I wasn’t ready to see him on a day when I felt good. I was scattered at best. A knock at the door made me yelp.
“I’m sorry Darling, I didn’t mean to frighten you.” Viv stood in the doorway. “Sarah just let me know what happened. I’m so sorry, love.” She smiled at me with sad eyes. “Good news is the kitchen is full stocked. Dinner is ready, plenty of sweets, plenty of booze. Your choice. Come in when you're ready.” If only I could be the type of person that couldn’t eat when they were stressed or in difficult times. I’d be skin and bones. My stomach was already churning. I sent the address through messaging and laid back on the bed. Is it too much to just ask for some peace for an extended period of time? Apparently.
A bing informs me that Giles is less than two hours away. So. In an effort to calm my mind, I take a deep breath. The scent of chicken is heavy and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of noise. Maybe there aren’t a lot of guest. Even walking down the hall, the noise is minimal. The dining room was beautiful and set for a large number of people, but only four spots were occupied. Viv was sitting next to an older man that I assumed to be her husband. He had a old, wooden, carved pipe. It swooped down in a flourish of celtic knots. Pipe tobacco, great smell. On the opposite end of the table was the younger version of them.
“Lily, I’ll make you a plate.” Before I could even object, Viv already had half a plate filled with chicken, mash potatoes, corn on the cob. She rounded it out with carrots and a roll. “Sit beside me. Jax’s got a tankard of that Sassenach whiskey.” She had already poured a glass of water. “Lily, this is my husband Oz. Our other daughter Seline and her husband Jax.”
“It’s lovely to meet you all. This house is absolutely amazing. If the circumstances were different, you’d probably have to kick me out. " Jax sat a copper cup mug down in front of me with a wink. “I’m sorry, you said other daughter?”
“Sarah is our oldest.” Oh! “She sends the ones she likes the most here. Trying to butter you up for the job.” Well at least it felt good to know they really wanted me.
“That’s very kind. I’m grateful.” I took a bite of chicken and I almost forgot everything. If I did end up getting this job, I’d gladly pay rent. “ Do you have any other guest?”
“About six right now, they don’t always come for dinner. Breakfast is popular, though. It’s the end of the summer season, so we’ll have a few weeks to get ready for the fall. “ I’m happy to have the conversation and company. Jax refilled my whiskey when Viv brought out the chocolate cake.
“I don’t know if you want to have me back, you might never get rid of me.” The laughter was cut with the ding from my phone. Giles was coming into the town. “Well, It looks like I’ll have just enough time to finish my cake and whiskey.” Whiskey that rushed my head as I stood up. I wobbled back. My face flooded with heat. Viv walked with me to porch. The wind was gentle but cool.
“There is nothing anyone can say or do to make it easier for you.” She wrapped her arm around my back, her hands squeezing my arms. “ All I can say is I know what it feels like. Even if your expecting it, it still knocks your teeth out.” Seline brought my things out and patted my shoulder. She stood with me in silence until headlights came into view.