"Mama," came a small voice from the back seat.
"Yes, Oliver," I replied.
"When we be at grandmas?"
I smiled at my son's question. Oliver Noah Brown turns five years old tomorrow. He's so excited for his birthday party that his grandmother is hosting. All his preschool friends are coming. He's never had a party like this before. In the past we've only done a family dinner with a cake. But seeing as this is a milestone birthday it needed to be special. The only problem with that was I was a single mom struggling to make ends meet. Thankfully my parents were understanding and supportive.
They hadn't always been that way though. Oliver was conceived when I was eighteen. Fresh out of high school and dreaming of college. His father was older than me by a few years and took off for California before I could even tell him about Oli. I didn't reach out or tell him about his son because he left to find himself. Which meant I wasn't enough to keep him here.
Elijah Gram is my brother's best friend. He was also my first crush. When I was five, I walked right up to his seven-year-old self and told him I was going to marry him one day. He laughed at me, and it should have been a foreshadowing I should have paid attention to.
When I was sixteen, he found me outside at a high school party crying. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him about how I had just caught my boyfriend with a cheerleader. It took everything in me to keep him rooted next tom me and not hunting down my ex.
That was the first time he kissed me. It was simple and sweet. Just a little something to make me feel better. After that he would casually flirt with me if no one was around or if he didn't have a girlfriend. I always hated when he was dating someone else. HIs whole demeaner would change and I wouldn't exist until they broke up.
Looking back on it our history is very toxic.
On my eighteenth birthday he asked me to be his girlfriend. It came completely out of the blue, but I readily agreed. We kept it quiet because my brother would beat him bloody if he knew what we were up to.
We were together three months before I came home to my brother handing me a card. I gave him a confused look and he just shrugged his shoulders and walked away. Inside the envelope was a simple index card that just said, "I'm Sorry."
When I asked Tatum where it came from, he told me Elijah asked him to give it to me when he dropped him off at the airport. One week later I found out I was pregnant.
My parents scolded me at first. Just for simply not being more careful. By the time for the first ultrasound, they were over it. They converted the guest bedroom into a nursery and to this day Oli still has that room. It's changed over the years as he rows but it's still his room.
Oliver and I moved out of my parents' house into our small two-bedroom apartment when he was two. I took online classes and worked a parttime job until I got my nursing degree.
"Almost there, buddy," I replied with a glance up to the rear-view mirror to check on him.
"Oh! good! I want caked!"
I chuckled at his enthusiasm. The boy loved sweets. He's the spitting image of his father light sandy hair, brown eyes, and same nose. I find it hard sometimes to find myself in him. HIs personality reminds me of Elijah too, even though he's never met the man.
I pull into my parent's driveway and snicker at the way some of the cars were parked on the lawn. My mother must not have been out here to see them because she would pitch a fit.
"All right, Oli-pop," I say as I'm taking off my seat belt. "What are the rules?"
"Stay in the back yard," he recited, "ask before taking, no hitting, no name calling annnnnnd..."
He took a second to think about the last rule. It was a new one, so it was okay that he temporarily forgot it. He had recently taken up biting at his daycare. He said he saw other kids doing it, so he wanted to do it too.
"No biting!" he said as he jumped in his booster seat.
"Good job, bud!"
We walked through the gates to the back yard where everyone was waiting for us. Oliver immediately ran over to his friends and joined in with the game of tag. Meanwhile I made my way to the deck where all the adults were.
"Cutting it there pretty close huh, sis," Tatum teased.
"Yeah," my mother chimed in, "can't have a birthday party without the birthday boy."
"We couldn't find his shoes," I said with a shrug.
Before anyone could say anything else a voice from the past came from behind me.
"Tate, dude you didn't tell me this was going to be ha kids party," Elijah said with a laugh.
"I told you it was for my nephew," Tatum replied, "ain't my fault you don't understand English."
Elijah joined us on the deck and gave my brother a bro hug, "I thought you were kidding."
My eyes scanned over Elijah's form. He didn't look any different. A little older but still with strong shoulders, sandy hair, and those mesmerizing brown eyes that he shares with his son.
"Jo," he said in an almost whisper as he looks me over. I'd like to say not much has changed about me either but that wasn't true. My hips are a little wider, boobs a cup size smaller (no one tells you that during pregnancy your boobs get bigger. But afterwards when the breast milk had dried up you don't go back to your original bra size.) And my hair's been shortened to shoulder length
"Eli," I said with a nod. I made no show of emotions. I wouldn't let him know that just the mere sight of him was affecting me and bring back the good memories.
"So, unless y'all have a sibling I don't know about it's safe to assume the big shin dig is for your kid," he says.
"Yep," I respond, "Oliver's birthday is tomorrow but since it's a workday for me we're celebrating today."
"Well," he said while looking like he was bracing himself for bad news. "Where's your husband I'd love to meet him."
"No husband," I reply with a tight smile. I wasn't sure what his game was but that was a fishing expedition if I'd ever seen one.
"Nope," my mother continued, "our Joanna here has been doing it all alone. We're so proud of who she's become. She's such a great mom."
"So, did you find what you were looking for in California?" I asked. Doing a little fishing of my own. I knew I shouldn't have. The answer could potentially wreak me. I like to pretend I'm over him. However, if I'm being honest with myself, I wasn't.
"No," he answered, "and it took me entirely too long to real..."
Adult conversation ended with a painful cry coming from where the kids were playing. I was the first one off the deck and sprinting towards where the kids had gathered around. Oliver sat on the ground crying and holding his ankle.
"Mama!" he called out as soon as he saw me.
"Shhh, baby, mama's here," I soothed, "let me see it."
He removed his hand, and I gently took off his shoe. He whimpered when I moved it and cried out a few times as I examined it. I lightly brushed my finger along the bottom of his foot, and he giggled.
"Good news, it's just a small muscle strain. You'll need to stay off it for a week," I informed him. And well, everyone else gathered around listening. He whimpered and climbed into my lap. I looked up to tell the other kids to go play but locked eyes with Elijah. He looked pale as his eyes flickered down to my son... our son, in my arms. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but it only got bigger.
"Hey," I said gently turning my attention to Oliver, "What do you say we skip to cake?"
"Yes!" all the kids shouted at once and ran over to the deck and into the house. Aside from Oliver, my brother picked him up from my lap and put him on his back. Oli loved piggyback rides from his uncle Tate. I got up and brushed the loose grass from my backside.
Eli's hand grabbed mine before I could pivot towards the house, "Why didn't you tell me?"
I contemplated denying everything for a second. Not admitting that I knew what he was asking. Denying Oliver was his kid and just going about my day. But one look into his eyes and I knew the guilt would eat me alive. I'd already gone through years of, "where's daddy?" and broken cries when I honestly answered, "I don't know."
"Would it have mattered?" I asked softly.
"Yes!" He answered then reached out to cup the side of my face with his free hand. "It would have mattered."
The sincerity in his voice and softness in his eyes pissed me off.
"Really!" I snapped as I snatched my hand out of his and took a step back. "Because I didn't seem to matter enough to make you stay. All I got was a lousy index card that said, 'I'm sorry.' No explanation, no text or call. Just I'm sorry. And I couldn't ask Tatum because no one was supposed to know about us. I've come to terms with the fact that I was just your dirty little secret until something better came along."
The hurt on his face did nothing to quell my temper, "You weren't my dirty little secret."
"Yeah, okay then..."
"Tatum knew about us," he interrupted, "he knew."
"What?" I gasped, "how?"
He cleared his throat, "He's my best friend and you're his little sister. I was honest with him before I ever asked you out. I wanted to make sure he would be cool with it first. I didn't want to lose his friendship."
"That explains so much," I mumble. Thinking back to the day Elijah left Tate had found me in my room crying silently. He didn't even ask me what was wrong just crawled up into the bed and held me until I fell asleep. When I told the family about being pregnant, he said, "I'm going to kill that son of a bitch," like he had a specific person in mind.
He only asked me once if I told the father about the baby and when I said, "no," he never pushed it. Our parents did, but not him. He supported me and was there for me.
I heard the sliding glass door open then shut and looked up to see my smirking brother leaning on the deck rails. He knew. He knew Elijah was back in town and invited him to the birthday party on purpose. I should be furious with him. But I'm thankful, he's always known what I needed even before I did.
Now I'm not jumping into Elijah's arms, I don't even know if he has a girlfriend or wife. I don't know what his life has been like the past almost six years. Who he has become. But I do know I want my son to know his father. He deserves it.
"You two done yet?" Tatum calls out, "There's a five-year-old inside waiting to open his presents. The only thing missing is his parents."
I looked over at Elijah to find him already looking at me. He nods to my unasked question and places a hand on the small of my back to steer me towards the deck. This doesn't mean everything is going to be all sunshine and rainbows. Oh, not by a long shot. It's going to be hard to trust him again. But it does mean Oliver is finally getting the one thing he always asks for.
His Father.