A/N: WARNING. DEPRESSIVE AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS SO IF YOU GET TRIGGERED EASILY DO NOT READ AND MESSAGE ME AND I'LL GIVE YOU A QUICK SUMMARY.
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"You know that you can still back out if you want to. You still got like-"
Coop checks his watch.
"Five minutes."
I shake my head, my fingertips turning the lighter on and off repeatedly, the spark dying and living at my request. It must be sad being a flame of a lighter. You live just to light something up and then bam, you die, not even getting to decide whether you wanted to or not.
Then again, maybe we're all flames of a lighter.
He sits himself right beside me on the grass, his elbow nudging mine quickly before we both stare at the dirty deflated kiddie pool that's resting near the end of his yard. I remember when Izzy, Coop, and I used that thing. Celeste would inflate it on saturday mornings when it was bright sunny and would spend about two hours in the kitchen making homemade pink lemonade and kiwi popsicles. We would be in there for hours until our skin would prune up or until Izzy would say that her chest was hurting again.
I always liked that pool. It has little mermaids and starfish cartoons right on the rim of it and Izzy and I used to pretend that it was a hot tub even though the water was never hot nor was it a tub of any kind.
I nudge, Coop back and he looks down at me as I look up at him. I sign my words, wanting to make sure he doesn't miss anything I'm saying.
'What if I cry?'
His eyebrows furrow and I notice the grip around my phone grow looser in his hold.
"You might."
I nod.
"But that's not a bad thing." he adds.
I nod again, my eyes not seeming to stay on him for a while at a time.
'Can I hold your hand or hug you if I need to?'
"Of course you can."
'But I have to sign to you which involves both of my hands.'I mouth a fuck under my breath at the realization and I place Louis' lighter on my lap, my right hand rubbing the side of my face as my stomach does these nervous twists that make everything seem more tense.
'I can't hug you then. I can't just leave him hanging on the phone and-'
"If you need my comfort, Winn during the phone call, you get it. I won't stop you and I don't think, Louis would mind waiting a few seconds or minutes, as long as you need. Okay?"
I stare at him this time without looking away, my hands shaking as they rest on my lap. He looks at me as well, the back porch light mixed with the night sky creating this shadow on his face.
"You want me to hold your hand now? Until the phone call?"
I take a deep breath, my eyes closing briefly before I shake my head, my hands holding eachother instead, Coop seems almost as nervous about this as I am and I don't want to make the situation even more stressful than it already is.
If it wasn't for Celeste and Izzy being at the hospital for her overnight heart data analysis thing for their trial, I don't think I would have been able to do this whole, telling everything thing. I don't want to remind her of my past, it always makes her sad when it's mentioned and besides, it's already hard enough for me to say it in front of two people, doing the whole song and dance in front of a group would be disastrous for my sanity.
Fuck.
This is what Kanwell has been wanting me to do with her. She's been wanting me to admit my feelings about the whole damn thing and I've always refused. But now, I'm here with two minutes left until I'm finally going to do it with, Louis and with myself and with Coop translating the whole thing.
I'm trying so hard not to back out. I'm trying my best not to scream just thinking about her. Before, Coop had picked me up, I was in my room, just staring at that wrinkled up, fading picture of her and trying to think of what to say and how to say it to Louis without making him be too freaked out. Everyone that has found out, except for Izzy and Coop, have.
But then again, that's the difference between them and the rest of the world. When I cry, people get sad because they don't understand why I'm crying. But when I cry in front of Coop and Izzy, they get sad because they do.
There's two minutes left and I'm still not even sure how this whole thing is going to start. Do I call him or is he going to call me? What if he forgot and leaves his phone on silent or something and doesn't hear me calling? Maybe this whole thing won't even happen today. Maybe he'll say how he's sorry but he has too much stress in his life and doesn't want to deal with anymore for a while.
What if he thinks I'm psychotic after?
What if he never wants to talk to me again?
I don't think I would be able to handle that. I mean I probably would pretend that everything was fine and that I didn't care but I would secretly be not living inside, like a carcass trying to speak.
I feel nauseous.
"Winnie. Hey, you still with me?"
I glance up at, Coop, realizing that my finger tips were curling a few strands of my own hair rapidly. I don't think that's a normal thing to do. I bet that's how crazy people lose pieces of their own hair.
I immediately stop and I nod, mouthing a sorry before he scoots himself closer to me, his arm slumping itself around my shoulder before he brings the top of my head to his lips, leaving a quick reassuring kiss.
"It's time." He whispers.
I nod again, not really knowing how else to respond.
Like yes, I am ready to talk about my abusive childhood let's get this thing over with. Sounds like it would be a title of one of those self help books that's in the bookshelf of a therapist's office in the background.
Coop places his arm back to his lap and begins to scroll through my phone, looking for his contact.
"I'm guessing it's Llama Tomlinson?"
He gives me a small smile as I feel my cheeks flush, another small nod coming out of me.
He forces a small chuckle, obviously trying to lighten the mood before the lightning within my chest strikes and my eyes widen briefly, his finger pressing the speaker button.
It's ringing.
Holy shit it's ringing.
"Winnie?"
His voice sounds a bit on edge, as if he just survived a fall from a cliff.
Coop clears his throat, giving me a nod before bringing the phone to his mouth.
"Um hey man, it's Coop. Like, Winnie is right next to me and thought that it would be better for me to translate everything for her."
A cricket that seems to be near by begins making that sound crickets always make and I remember that Coop, Louis, and I aren't the only living things on the world right now.
"Yeah, um hey. No problem, mate, just um- am I on speaker? Can she hear me?"
Coop glances over at me and I bring my hand up, doing a small wave before he looks back at the device.
"Yeah you're on speaker and she says hi."
"Hi, Winnie."
I grab the lighter again, my thumb rubbing over the red plastic before, Coop gives me this concerned look with his dark green eyes.
"Louis, um she's a bit nervous so if you know she needs to stop to take a breather-"
"Yeah. Yeah. Don't even mention it like, Winnie take as long as you need to. Don't force yourself on my behalf."
I just nod, grasping the lighter tightly in between my two hands.
"And, Winnie."
I glance at the phone when, Louis begins to speak again, feeling as if he's here even though he's not.
"I won't judge you. I hope you know that. No matter what. This- what you're going to say is just like your origin story you know? Every superhero has one and this is yours, what made you into the you that you are today. How you got your superpower."
I feel my nerves calm down a bit, feeling like those old trains that move faster and faster as more steam releases from the top.
I nod again, resting the lighter on my thigh before slicking my hair back with my fingers and putting it all to the right side of my face.
My eyes meet, Coop who won't take his attention off of me, a small smile on his lips.
"What he said." He whispers.
I begin to sign and, Coop begins to speak through the phone, Louis remaining quiet the whole time.
"She says that as you may know, her mum owns her own private practice for you know the psychologists. It is world renown and she has owned it ever since, Winnie was a baby. Very successful, her parents."
I place my right hand on my chest with my fingers spread apart a bit before tapping the right temple of my forehead with my thumb, my hand still open.
Coop's eyes furrow as he concentrates on my movements and god, I'm so happy he changed out of his suit. He used to be my translator before he got his new job, would get paid to follow me around when I was in Uni and for parties and social events I was forced to go to for my parents. And now this job he has requires him to wear that suit, the coat and tie meaning that it's just for his job.
And I'm glad that he's wearing a knitted sweater with me. This isn't a job for him. He's here because he cares, which I'm surprised that I even doubted for even a second when he picked me up and I saw his attire.
This is Coop.
"Um she says that her dad is also a very prestigious scientist and so when she was a kid, her parents were almost always out of town for their own business trips, especially since they both just began their occupations which at the time required almost all of their attention in order for them to be as successful as they are today."
Louis, makes a humming noise and I close my eyes for a while, trying to think of what to say now, how to get the next words out of me.
Her face appears in my mind and I regret seeing that damn picture before I got here. It was a mistake. A dreadful and most utterly idiotic mistake.
I rest my hand on my chest again, the same as before and then make a circle motion with my hand in a fist near my face, my throat beginning to feel as if it's closing in on me.
"Her aunt was the one that would take care of her and Gene at the time whenever her parents were gone. Since she was unemployed, her mum would pay her to take care of them, so it would help. And besides, since that is her mum's sister, Diane wanted to also help her forget about her husband that had recently left her and their new born child."
When, Coop sees my next movements, he sighs this pain filled sigh.
"The baby, Winnie's cousin um... his name was, Ellis and Winnie says that she loved Ellis very much. She says that he used to fall asleep on her when she would rub the tip of his nose for a while."
My throat feels even tighter, but I continue.
"That was all her aunt had. Ellis. That was it."
Coop sighs again and I look away from his eyes as my lips separate, my eyes closing once more.
"One day, her aunt wanted to buy them each a new toy. She took all three of them to the shops with her."
A weird sound leaves my lips and, Coop flinches.
"Winnie..." He mutters.
I shake my head, opening my eyes.
'I can do this.'
He just stares at me and, Louis begins to whisper my name a few times until I sign again as if nothing happened. Coop gets the picture and continues hesitantly, my mind wandering back to that day.
Some people do embarrassing things, things that they still remember and regret doing for years. And sometimes they say the usual thing like, "God I could just die."
That was how I felt, feel sometimes except it wasn't because of embarrassment. It was more from self reflection.
I remember when I was twelve, and I heard my parents fighting downstairs in the kitchen. They thought I was asleep. They thought I couldn't hear them. They were talking about how my mum had visited my aunt in prison again, and how sorry she looked. My dad told her that he never wanted my mum to see her sister again.
"No." my mum replied.
"Are you being serious right now, Diane?!"
I pulled the blanket over my head, my hands forming into tight fists around the cloth as I stared into nothing.
"Her baby was kidnapped and died! How would that make you feel if that had happened to, Winnie?! Gracie, wasn't thinking correctly!"
"Winnie was only six fucking years old!"
I began to cry, one of my hands slipping under the covers completely to my mouth, so no one would hear. My fingernails were sinking into the sides of my lips.
"Ellis was all she had and he's gone now! Forever!"
God I could just die, wasn't intense enough for me at the time. It meant practically nothing.
'God, let me die.'
Now, that was all I could think about.
"Her aunt, or Gracie, um she had to go to the bathroom. She stopped pushing, Ellis' stroller and told, Winnie to hold Gene's hand and watch Ellis while she used the loo really quickly." He continues and so do I.
Louis still isn't talking.
My mind is cycling, everything playing at once and right now I really want to hold, Coop's hand. I need that breather, I need that fresh air to enter my lungs. But the thing is that all I can think about is how I was holding Gene's hand and how I fucked up. How no matter what, I won't be able to get a proper breath anyway. Everything just feels so suffocating.
Gene was pointing at a woman who was selling things near the entrance of the shop. They were the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen.
"-they were the most beautiful flowers she had ever seen..."
I wanted to see them up close, I wanted to see if flowers actually smelled as nice as people on tv said they did. I wanted to touch the beautiful pink petals that looked as soft as clouds.
"She wanted to touch the beautiful pink petals. She thought they were going to be as soft as clouds."
So I left the spot she told me to stay in. With my hand still holding Gene's, we both walked towards the woman. I left, Ellis.
"-she left, Ellis..."
The woman was nice, complementing me on my curly hair and when I asked if I could touch one of the petals, she let me. I felt happy and serene and gosh I was so fucking innocent. She let me have one for free and I took it.
I couldn't stop smiling.
Then I heard her screaming Ellis' name.
"She heard, Gracie screaming Ellis' name."
I turned around and quickly ran back towards her and the stroller, Gene almost falling as she couldn't really catch up she was still so young.
Tears begin to spring in my eyes as my hands keep on moving and as, Coop keeps on talking.
She wailed out his name, the saddest scream I've ever heard. When I returned to her, she shook my shoulders, pointing repeatedly at the stroller as she was crying tremendously.
I looked over at it.
The stroller was empty.
"The stroller was empty."
I dropped the flower.
Someone took him.
"Someone took him."
Because of me. Because of that damn flower.
"I'm not saying that, Winnie. That's not true. It isn't-"
I look over at, Coop, his eyes widening a bit when he notices my already soaked face. I notice too.
"I don't want to finish this, Winnie."
'Please. He needs to know.'
"Winnie? Is she okay? Winnie?" Louis' voice sounds frail yet alert all at the same time and I shake my head.
'Finish. Please.'
Coop swallows hard, his eyebrows furrowing before he wraps one of his arms around my shoulder again, bringing me close, his eyes darting down to my hands.
"She's fine, Louis. She just needed a moment."
"Okay. Okay..."
My hands move, slowly.
"After about two weeks of searching, they found Ellis in an empty apartment..."
I wanna scratch my brain out.
"He was dead."
Dead.
"Her mum was still in Ireland, trying to get more funding from this company while her dad was in Africa, doing tests on these children who had this disease no one had ever heard of before. Gracie, wouldn't even look at her. One day she was sobbing until she would vomit into the kitchen sink and the next she wouldn't leave her room."
I remember how lifeless she was, I remember knocking on her door and hearing nothing. I thought she had died and I didn't know that at the time that I was right but just in a different way.
The odd part was that she didn't tell anyone, not even my mum. She still had a few more weeks to take care of me before my parents would return and didn't try to get out of babysitting Gene and I. Then I understood why.
"She got drunk all the time, forgetting some days to feed Gene and Winnie, the two of them surviving on snacks around the house."
I take a deep breath, it still not being enough to help me feel living.
"She says that one day, they ran out of snacks and Gene was crying because she was hungry. So, Winnie knocked on her door, asking her to make something. Even if it were just canned soup. Winnie, couldn't reach the cupboard on the top."
"Then what happened?" Louis speaks, surprising us both. It's the quietest thing he has ever sounded. If you could feel voices, his would be as light as a feather and as soft as a dandelion.
I continue, beginning to shake.
"She was drunk and she hit her."
The room goes silent for a while, everything feeling like a huge black hole, that in any moment I could be sucked in alive and never be seen again. However, I wouldn't be surprised.
"But she did end up feeding, Gene. She fed, Gene everyday."
"W-what about, Winnie?"
He stuttered.
Both of my hands have my fingers touching my thumb in this almost fist kind of action, them moving side to side repeatedly.
"Nothing."
My chest hurts.
"Only when she wanted to. And that was really the routine for about a year whenever her parents would be gone."
I make a downward motion with my thumb pointing out.
"Drunk."
I made a fist with my right hand, the other right on top of it but on it's roof making a come here movement.
"Beg."
My right hand opens and then closes over my lips quickly.
"Shutup."
My fist punches my index finger.
"Hit."
'Repeat.' I mouth.
"Repeat."
"Winnie..." Louis whispers.
"Oh, Winnie..."
I continue signing.
"Whenever she would talk, ask for forgiveness, she would just hit her even harder. She would yell profanities and tell her to quiet or she would hurt, Gene too. So she stopped talking."
I want to stop crying, but these sounds keep releasing out of nowhere and they feel like their stabbing my insides.
"After a few months, her mum grew worried, wondering why she had stopped talking, why she seemed to be so afraid of women, why should would never want to eat, why she threw all of the flowers in the house away, why she had bruises on her stomach... She grew suspicious of Gracie."
More noises release.
"Winnie. You can stop okay. You don't have to continue, you-" Louis tries to reason, but he has to know. He has to know how fucked up I am.
"Winnie-"
'We are almost done, Coop. Just let me do this.' I mouth, a few hiccups leaving me.
"Let me hug you at least. You need-"
"Winnie-"
I push him off of me immediately and I scoot away, shaking my head.
'Finish.'
His hand is reaching out, but I don't take it, I just move my own again and again.
"She says that when her mum started asking Gracie questions, threatening to get the police involved, Gracie acted dumb. She said that the injuries were from when she took her and her sister to the playground. Her mum asked if it all had to do with, Ellis in some way. Gracie said-"
"Of course not."
Maybe I should have gone all over this with, Kanwell. Maybe I should have used her as practice because even though I thought I was prepared, I'm not. I'm honestly so fucking not. I feel like puzzle pieces are meshing together in my mind, creating this picture of alcohol and scary things that only appear in nightmares. Or at least in my own.
The next part, as I continue is turning into some kind of blur. My mind is going hazy as I forcefully try to focus, my attention scattering to everything possible. It's like a light switch in my head is going on and off repeatedly and I don't know where it is.
"Gracie began pouring alcohol in her drinks, seeing if getting her drunk would make her talk again, make her act normal around her family so their suspicions would disappear. She couldn't walk right, found the taste disgusting and venomous, yet drank it anyway so her aunt wouldn't force it down her throat again. She would talk, but she would also throw up a lot, have fainting spells, and migraines that hurt too much and eventually had to go to the hospital. Her parents thought she had a brain tumor, but when the results came back, a nurse getting ready to call child protection on them, they realized what had happened and-"
I fall into Coop's lap, my fingers grabbing onto the back of his knees as I bury my face into his thigh, my tears wetting the fabric of his black jeans, small muffled screams coming out from deep inside me.
He rubs his hand up and down my back.
"You're done. Okay? No more to say. You're done and I'm proud of you and you're done."
I sit myself up, my eyes closed shut tightly before I wrap my arms around him in utter desperation.
"Breathe. Shhhh. Breathe in and out. I'm here. Nothing's going to happen. Shhhh."
Louis isn't saying anything and I continue hugging, Coop for a while longer until I realize that my finger nails were digging into his back and I quickly pull back.
"I'm fine." He mutters, wiping the moisture off from my face with his thumbs.
I finally open my eyes, and I continue crying, breathing in and out slowly so I don't hyperventilate.
"Winnie. You are the bravest person I have ever met." Louis finally speaks.
He sounds a bit broken and unsure.
I cry more.
Coop grabs my hand and he squeezes it.
I haven't even told, Louis about the part where I spoke again, but then I would also have to explain about the other part after about the promise and it would be too much for me, it would be too much for one hour.
Louis, can't stop saying my name and I'm unsure if it's how he reassures people or if he just doesn't know what to say.
"Winnie....Winnie...Winnie..."
I glance over at the phone and then at, Coop, trying to make him understand.
He catches on, grabbing the phone again as he doesn't let go of my hand with the other.
"She's fine, Louis."
"Is she?"
"Yeah."
"I want to be there. Fuck, Winnie I want to be with you right now. You know that right? I want to hug you and tell you how fucking great you are because-"
His voice stops and I shake, my crying beginning to ease down.
"You are great. You're so great and I care about you so much and god, I don't know what to say, but just know that you're great, alright?"
I mouth something to Coop for him to say.
He nods.
"She says that you're great too."
Louis, mutters a fuck under his breath.
"I'm not going anywhere, Winnie. I can't. I don't want to."
No one's going to want you.
My lips form words again.
"She says that she misses you."
"Is it, okay Coop is you take me off of speaker for a second and give the phone to her so I can tell her something. It's just- if you can?"
Coop's lips roll inwards and he looks at me with this look of contemplation, his hand squeezing mine again.
"Okay."
He presses the speaker button, turning it off before handing it to me.
I make a mmm sound, so he knows that it's just me, and he takes a deep breath.
"I miss you so damn much, Winnie. Fuck, I don't deserve you yet here you are and I'm lucky and just you like. I want to go on that date with you and I want one after that and after that and even if it doesn't work out for you the first time, I won't force anything on you and I know it's selfish like so fucking selfish for me to ask especially after all you just said but if you could just still stick with me after if I fuck it up, even if it means we stay friends? I can't not talk to you. I'm...I'm just too consumed...by all of you."
I hold on tightly to Coop's hand and he just stares at me, my bottom lip beginning to quiver before I release his hold, quickly taking the phone from my ear and creating a new message as quickly as a girl with trembling hands can.
To: Llama Tomlinson
I quite like you, Louis Tomlinson.
I place the phone back in my ear.
There's a bit of silence for a while.
"Consumed..." He repeats.
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That was really intense but yeah, you got her back story with her aunt. She will by the way NEVER make an appearance. So yeah I mean there are going to be some more emotional chappys like maybe two? but the rest are kind of fluffy and important :) and yeah. If any of you guys are abused and are afraid to say anything, the National Domestic abuse hotline is
1-800-799-7233
They keep everything confidential and if you are ever depressed or suicidal or anything similar, a list of hotlines are here:
http://mentalillnessmouse.tumblr.com/post/21961172409/accepting-help-is-brave-hotlines-crisis-lines
I care for all of your well beings and I hope you are all safe and happy.
Mental illness and abuse are no laughing matter, no matter what people tell you, get help if you need. I love all of you <3
Sorry btw about the double update thing that didn't happen on tuesday. The wifi in my house was broken and I tried using cellular data to type up some through my phone but yeah I went over my limit and yeah but I'm here now and it's back so yay!
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I really hope this wasn't too intense in any way because I don't want to trigger anyone, so if it's reallllyyy triggering, please tell me and I'll change it. Love you all and I hope you all have a great weekend <3