"Gravity is matter's response to loneliness." - (By someone) Alice Wu (had forgotten)
The way Ariana mentioned her concert weeks ago, vaguely and casually, made you think it was a relatively small event. This assumption was further solidified when Ariana found an easy solution to her PR manager's concerns, by suggesting that you bring Olivia along. This way, attention would be diverted away from your relationship with Ariana.
So imagine your shock when you found yourself in one of the studio rooms in Staples Center, watching Ariana run through her choreography.
"I can't believe BTS was sitting beside us just five minutes ago," Olivia exclaimed. "Even I can't get access to this kind of experience that easily. These backstage passes are the best."
You looked down at the pass Ariana had placed around your neck after the security checks. "Technically, they are staff passes."
Olivia leaned towards you and half-whispered conspiratorially, "Even better, imagine all the restricted places we can go that a fan can't. Maybe I'll catch a glimpse of them again."
"Well, knock yourself out. Bring back any goodies or souvenirs you find."
"Don't I always? Be right back." After a quick hug, Olivia left with gleeful steps.
If you were the person before, you would entertain her idea. Hell, you would probably have come up with it, sneaking around with her to check out the place and people around. However, now at the moment, you were content watching Ariana dance.
Even with a flurry of female dancers surrounding her, your eyes seemed to fixate solely on Ariana. You observed the way she moved, and how her dancers shifted along with her. At a particular moment, one of them corrected the placements of her thighs.
The slightest strain of irk shot through you, immediately shifting into alarm. You shouldn't have felt this way every time the dancers came into contact with her.
You were pulled out of your thoughts when a shadow was cast over you. Looking up, you found Ariana staring at you inquisitively. You looked away in embarrassment, not wanting your face to give away anything.
"What's wrong?"
There was a "nothing" sitting on the tip of your tongue, but you hate lying, especially to her. You let out a sigh, "I just found out that I don't like it when someone else touches you and I'm not." Ariana's eyebrow shot up, mouth opening to say something, but you stopped her before she could. "I know, I have no right to feel this way, much less at people who are just doing their jobs."
The look on her face transformed into a pensive one. You sat there like a kid caught doing something they weren't supposed to do, waiting fearfully for the consequences. With your eyes downcast, you did not notice Ariana moving closer until her hands came into view to cup your cheeks.
With the way she leaned in closer, you thought she was going to sit on your lap. However, she stopped at bringing her face to yours. In such close proximity, you couldn't duck your head to hide it even if you wanted to. "It's okay to feel that way, as long as you don't act upon them." She said diplomatically, reminding you of your therapist. Moving towards your ear, she continued, "But you don't have to be jealous. I only want your touch." Her lips grazed the shell of your ear, "and you can do so, however much you want, tonight."
She turned around before you could react, walked back to where the dancers were and went back to formation again. You spent the time looking away whenever Ariana shot a wink over.
After an hour, someone informed Ariana to prepare for the upcoming full dress rehearsal. Everyone got ready to make their way to the stage. All you did was carry Toulouse while you followed around Ariana cluelessly.
Olivia doesn't return in time, but you don't worry, knowing your friend would have no trouble finding her way around. As for you, being Ariana's "staff", you were put in charge of overseeing her performance. So you were situated at the standing pen, observing everyone prepare.
When she faced your direction, you turn your head to see who she was looking at. You only realized that it was you when she tried to hide her smile behind her hand.
You felt compelled to move when she made her way towards you as quickly as she could in her black ball gown.
You met her at the edge of the stage where she had squatted down, her hands draped across your shoulders. "Tell me how the whole thing looks from the audience."
Her voice rose at the end, making it sound like a request. Tilting your head up, you replied, "It looks spectacular. Especially your dress and the orchestra at the back. Show-stopping material."
The smile you were rewarded with was brighter than the spotlights above. "I have to go get the show on the road then," Ariana said, playing with the baby hairs behind your neck. "Can't wait to blow your mind."
If not for the split-second glint in her eyes, you would have been fooled by her angelic aura. For the second time, she shifted closer towards you, only to jerk backward, as though she was catching herself from doing something. You didn't have this realization at that time, more concerned with Ariana losing her balance.
Your torso hit the stage as you surged forward, arms extended in an attempt to act like a wall or some sort of safety net.
The heart-dropping sensation only subsided when she stopped wobbling. However, in the absence of adrenaline and fear, a throbbing pain grew sharper around your kneecaps.
"You good?" You asked in a voice you hoped would sound casual, ignoring the ache.
Her words shook a little when she spoke. "Y-yeah," She cleared her throat, looking away while doing so, "I'm fine. Are you okay? I heard a thud."
Your arms went back to your side. "I'm okay. Nothing I can't handle. I'm just glad I'm not responsible for breaking Ariana Grande's bones." You let out a small smile, hoping to lighten the mood. It worked, with Ariana returning one. From the corner of your eyes, you saw someone motioning towards you and Ariana. "Looks like everyone is good to go. I shouldn't keep you any longer then."
Ariana's head swiveled around, seeing the same things you witnessed. "Right. I'll see you after the show." She paused a little, teeth sinking lightly into her lips like she was in contemplation. A slight shake of her head told you she was dismissing whatever thought she had. Instead, she stood up slowly and headed back to the center of the stage. Your hands went back up to their earlier position, poised in front of you until you were sure there was no possibility of her falling.
-
The lights dimmed slowly before a sudden beam shone solely on the singer. As the orchestra moved collectively, the notes started stringing together into your favorite song of hers.
You thought hearing Ariana sing up close before showed you how amazing a performer she was, and how she would be the same for this concert.
You could not have been more wrong in your life. It was not the same when there was fancy lighting that made her shine even brighter than you thought possible, the accompanying live orchestra and her voice, god, her voice reverberating around an empty stadium - so raw and powerful and controlled and freeing - changing pitch and notes as easily as breathing, making every song better than you could have ever imagined.
It was utterly disbelieving how she could sound so heavenly and could carry a myriad of emotions in her voice. You could only shake your head in awe when she pulled off yet another high note, smiling when she did after the ending of each song.
It was an experience that could not be compared to any other, no other concerts could ever be the same as this one - the closest thing to a private show you could ever get. You knew people would pay tens or hundreds of thousands for this priceless experience you had gotten for free.
Maybe you should change your career. Ariana Grande's personal assistant or bodyguard doesn't sound bad at all.
"You should close your mouth before a fly gets in there." A familiar voice nudged you back to reality.
Smiling at Olivia's tease, you replied, "The security here is so tight I don't think insects are even allowed to enter. By the way, you just missed the best performance you'll ever see today, or possibly even your whole life."
Olivia raised her eyebrows. "I would disagree and say that BTS's rehearsal was the best I've seen but you wouldn't know since you spent the whole time staring at your girl." You watched as her face softened into a smile knowingly. "Better make me your maid of honor."
In that instance, you realized that you still haven't told Olivia the truth. "About that-"
"Sorry to interrupt ladies, but Ariana has requested your presence." The both of you looked up to find Max and a practically cleared stage for the next act. You gestured for him to lead the way.
Upon entering Ariana's dressing room, she exclaimed happily at the sight of you. "Hey! What do you think of my performance?" She jumped up from her seat to give you a hug. You wrapped your arms around her to return it.
"It was amazing, truly. Never seen anything more spectacular." You sank into her embrace. "I think there are tears in my eyes for how beautiful it was."
"Thank you." Her giggles caused goosebumps to form on your arms, and you realized that it was how she sounded when she was truly happy. You were glad to be a part of it.
"Need me to give you two the room?"
Ariana only pulled away at the sound of Olivia's cough. She clapped her hands like she had an idea she wanted to share. "How about I take you guys around instead?"
"Uh, Olivia already-" Your mouth was muffled by said friend. She shot you a look before moving her hand away slowly.
Didn't think I have to wingwoman you with someone you already have.
Oh. Good idea.
"We would be honored," Olivia spoke on your behalf.
"Great, give me a minute to change."
After she did, the three of you started touring around the stadium. You were sandwiched between them when Olivia linked arms with you and Ariana followed suit. Being in that position, you felt curious stares averting your way as you were basically dragged around. You shot apologetic smiles to those who had to make way for you three - similar to when the popular girls in school, sashaying down the hallway.
All in all, you met some of the performing acts, learned the seating plan of invitees, and walked down the red carpet. It was satisfying to experience something you never thought you could.
"-and that's pretty much it. It isn't as magical as they make it out on TV." Ariana concluded the tour when you arrived back where you started. "Since we're done for the day, do you have any plans for the rest of it?"
"We have our biweekly movie nights today." You replied. "Do you want to join us? It's at my place."
Ariana beamed, "You can drive."
-
Today could be arguably one of the best days of your life. A quiet night of watching a movie with people you love after an exciting day.
You, Olivia, and Ariana were lazing all over your couch. Since you were in the middle, again, their legs overlapped on your lap underneath blankets and pillows. A scatter of takeout boxes lay on the tables, providing sustenance and some sort of distraction from a psychological thriller playing on the portable screen.
You don't know why they chose this film when it scares the shit out of them, bumping their arms into yours whenever there is a particularly loud noise. Their jerky movements caused your heart to stop more than the film's sound effects. So you decided to play a game of taking a bite of food every time someone screamed or used you as a wall.
Maybe you should choose the films next time instead of being the gracious host.
When the movie finally ended, you instinctively shifted your weight to stretch. But when you heard soft intelligible murmurings against the curve where your neck meets your shoulders, your movements slowed to a standstill.
"She fell asleep, didn't she?" Olivia whispered. You hummed a response as opposed to nodding your head. "I guess our usual sleepover is off."
"You can still stay tonight if you want. Share the bed with Ariana. I'll take the couch." You said, after tucking Ariana beneath your duvet covers and returning to your potential sleeping area for the night.
"You want me to share the bed with her?" Olivia shot you a confused look which turned into what you recognized as her teasing smile. "You aren't afraid of me stealing her from you?"
The feeling that rose in you wasn't the same possessive jealousy that gripped you earlier. It was a mellower, more gradual swell of helpless frustration; a reluctant acceptance that Ariana isn't yours to lose.
"Well if you do, it's fair game. Since she is single."
You would laugh at the way Olivia's eyes go comically wide if you weren't feeling like you've just watched a plot twist that made things worse for the protagonist - and you can only shout uselessly at the screen.
"What!?" Olivia half whispered, half exclaimed. Her hands flailed around to gesture her bewilderment. "But what about the constant staring, the touching? When you drove, her hand was on your knee the entire time. You two are like magnets."
With a sigh, you told Olivia everything about your relationship with Ariana - from interviewee to friends with benefits. She's patient enough not to interrupt with questions until you're done.
"Well, I'm proud of you for trying something new." She said, pausing with a slight frown. "But from what I've heard, it sounds awfully like you are pretty much in an actual relationship with her."
"Without feelings," You supply subconsciously, regretting immediately after the words left your mouth.
Olivia stared at you long and hard. "Then why do you look at her like that?"
You asked dumbly. "Like what?"
"Like she's a sunset you can't look away from."
It doesn't hit you like a car with no brakes, since the statement only confirmed something you already knew deep down - it wasn't just a crush anymore.