"I felt a queasy mixture of relief and horror: when you finally stop an itch and realize it's because you've ripped a hole in your skin."- Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl
•••
Classical music played from a record in the parlor of the house. The sound almost haunting as it crackled through the horn when Jim made his way into the home Lee and Mario shared.
With his gun drawn, he looked around. Even with the late evening sun the room looked full of shadows.
As he moved closer to a hallway on the right, opposite from the stairs, he spotted someone.
One of the Tweeds; who'd switched out their wresting garb for a tailored suit and bowler hats.
Adjusting his grip on the weapon and not entirely sure what to expect around the corner, Jim pushed onward into the dining room.
At the table in the center of the room sat Jervis at the head of the table. With Bird and Lee seated across from one another.
"Welcome to our tea party James." Jervis greeted him. The other Tweed brother who stood by him at the table cocked the shotgun in his hands as a warning, "We've been expecting you."
When Bird turned her head to see where Jim was standing, he got his first real look at her.
"You son of a bitch-" He growled, gun pointed at Tetch, assuming the injuries she'd sustained had been inflicted on her by him or the Tweeds.
"Ah, ah, ah." Jervis clicked his tongue, "There's no need for that. Bird was like that when I found her."
"It's true." She admitted. Avoiding Jim's eyes as she spoke.
"Please." Jervis motioned to the only empty seat at the other end of the table and added, "Have a seat."
Jim walked towards the chair, keeping his gun drawn and stopped when he saw a place card sitting on the empty plate with his name written in blood.
Jim swallowed, "I think I'll stand."
"You'll do as I say." Jervis Tetch's voice raised, "Or things will get messy and by messy I mean both my friends will pull their triggers and then we'll have blood and brains all over this beautiful table."
The Tweeds were standing in place, both of them with a loaded gun pointed at Lee and Bird.
The table was set for a party. A tea party.
There was an antique center piece of a bubble glass clock. The finest silver and crystal to be found in the house was laid out at each place setting.
Small triangle cut finger sandwiches were on a spotless platter in the center of the table.
"Now, place your gun on the platter and have a seat." Jervis instructed.
One of the Tweeds walked up to him with a round platter containing a place card that fittingly read, "Gordon's Gun".
"Really?" Jervis' face started to twist from the almost friendly expression he'd been wearing to something darker, "After all we've been through today; you have to think about it? Not everyone here has to die."
Jim glanced over at Bird and then to Lee before his gaze fell back to the place card awaiting his gun.
Despite Jervis saying not everyone has to die; Jim knew the day could very easily end up with all of them dead.
This certainly wasn't the direction he'd expected his day to go.
In fact, it started about as normal as any other day.
Bird had gotten up earlier than usual, stating she had a few things to take care of before going to work.
So he'd went to a diner for breakfast alone and then it had been downhill from there.
Jervis had sent him on a journey. Making him pick who lives and who dies. Insisting that he was trying to Jim to see who he really was inside. That he was was going to drive him crazy.
There was no doubt that Jervis would kill Bird and Lee; or even both of them, without hesitation.
So Jim did the only thing he could to keep them alive and surrendered his only weapon before begrudgingly taking a seat at the table.
He had a plan; it might be a long shot, but it was all he had and so he needed to believe in it.
Ironically enough, that plan was Mario Calvi. Who'd rushed to the GCPD when he'd gotten word that Lee was missing at the very same time that Jim was setting off on a solo rescue mission, knowing that if Barnes and twenty police officers showed up on scene both Bird and Lee would wind up dead.
So instead the only back-up he'd brought with him was Mario. Who was going to sneak in through the basement where he said he had a gun.
"It's going to be okay." Jim promised both of them.
Bird glanced at him with raised brows before turning her attention back to Jervis, who was currently pouring hot tea into the cup at her place setting.
"Don't lie to them, James." Jervis scolded.
"Lee." He got her attention and handed her a cup on a saucer, "Would you mind passing that down to James?"
Silently, Lee took the cup and handed it to Jim, who noticed her hand was shaking. Yet she somehow handed it off without spilling any of the hot liquid in the cup.
"I must apologize for the hideous china." Jervis chuckled as he poured tea for himself, "Frankly, I expected more from Don Falcone's son."
With a glance up at Bird he commented, "Maybe we should have held this party at his daughter's place instead."
Picking up his own cup, Jervis proposed a toast to the table, "To good health."
"Think I'll pass." Lee stated. Staring down at the sandwiches on the table and starting to regret not running when she'd had the chance.
Here she was, yet again, being pulled into a life or death situation that literally had nothing to do with her -aside from her past relationship with Jim.
Bird didn't say anything, but also showed no interest in drinking the tea or playing along with the party.
Jim watched as the expression on Jervis' face started to shift again from the rudeness of the guests at his party.
They needed to buy time until Mario got there and broke in. Needed to keep Tetch calm.
"You know what?" Jim said, "I'll have some."
With that he raised the cup to his mouth and took a drink.
"Bravo, James." Jervis nodded in approval before he took a sip of his own.
"Now, I'd like to begin by telling the story of a brother and sister. Separated for years but who's love never waned." Jervis began, "Fair warning though; it has a sad ending."
Bird and Jim exchanged looks at Jervis began to talk of how he and his dear sister Alice had lost their parents at a young age. How the only family they had was one another.
How Alice had been taken by Professor Strange and Jervis had grown hopeless about ever finding her.
He told the story of how the last spark of hope in him had been ignited when he'd heard of the Arkham escape; and how he'd made the journey to Gotham to be reunited once more with his beloved Alice.
"But I couldn't find my sister alone. So I turned to this man, James Gordon, whom everyone said was a good man. An honorable man. And what did this honorable man do?" Jervis asked before he slammed his fist down on the table, causing all the chinaware to rattle, "He turned her against me. Poisoning her mind and then he killed her!"
"Does that sound about right, James?" He questioned.
"Sure, why not?" Jim sighed, leaning back in his chair some and starting to worry that something had happened to Mario along the way.
"Now, James..." Jervis shook his head in disappointment, "I get the sense you're not being honest. Though that's not surprising. Considering you've run from your true self every day of your life. But you can't run from this choice; the woman you love is going to die. I just need to figure out which one it is."
Bird and Lee exchanged looks across the antique bubble glass clock on the table between them.
"So!" Jervis loudly continued, "Let's review our options -shall we?"
"On the one hand we have Lee Thompkins." Jervis stood up and moved closer to where Lee was sititng, "Intelligent and kind. She thought she could save you from your darkness. Drag you into the light -and what did she get for her efforts? Hmm?"
Cradling his arms like he was holding a baby, Jervis continued, "Pain and sadness."
"Don't listen to him, Lee." Jim pleaded.
"And then!" Jervis loudly exclaimed, walking around the table to where Bird was sitting, "There's Starling Wayne, though she prefers Bird."
"My, my..." He continued coming a stop just arms distance away from her and clasping his hands together as he spoke, "Where to begin..."
Suddenly his face lit up as though he'd just gotten a thought; though the expression seemed to be more for just dramatic effect. Clearly he'd been planning this entire event out for some time -even what he'd intended on saying.
"Curious and curious-er, isn't James? How Lee thought she could save you and failed -yet you still think you can save Bird?" Jervis narrowed his eyes inquisitively as he looked between them, "Why is that? Do you think if you save her then somehow you, yourself, would be redeemed?"
The room was silent. A heavy silence that seemed to take up all the empty space and weigh everything down. The three still sitting at the table tried to pretend that he wasn't getting inside their heads; but he didn't miss it when Bird side-eyed Jim.
"Something to say?" Jervis leaned down closer to Bird when he spoke.
"I don't need anyone to save me." She abruptly said, unable to bite her tongue any longer.
"No?" Jervis held back another laugh, "Then tell me, why is it Bird that even though you refer to yourself as a criminal, you continually seek out relationships with the so-called 'good men'?"
She caught a glimpse of him using finger quotes as he spoke from the corner of her eye; though she refused to look at him.
Bird didn't answer him.
In truth, he did raise an interesting point.
One that, had she not been in a life or death situation, might have stayed on her mind a little longer.
"So..." Jervis breathed when no one was willing to engage him any longer in conversation, "Those are the choices; your choices, James. And now it's up to you."
He picked the gun Jim had brought with him up from the platter and moved his arm back and forth, aiming at Bird and then at Lee.
"Which lady has your heart?" Jervis posed the question as he pointed the gun at the center of Jim's chest, "Who do you love?"
Lee quickly glanced between the other two seated at the table with her and then lowered her head. Staring down into the untouched cup of tea on the table in-front of her.
Jim looked over at Bird, who was sitting perfectly still -aside from her eyes scanning the table.
She was looking for weapon, he gathered. Bird wasn't going to just sit there until Tetch killed them.
The only problem with that was how one of the Tweeds still had a shotgun pointed at her head.
One move.
Jim's breath hitched in his throat.
One wrong move is all would it take and they'd kill her.
His eyes fluttered shut. The memories of the night she'd been shot and nearly died flooded back. Painted the inside of his eye lids.
The echoes of her labored breathing. The rattling sound in her chest as blood ran from the corners of her mouth soon overshadowed the music from the record player.
"You can't save everyone, Jim."
Startled his eyes snapped open and he looked over at Bird.
It took him a few seconds to realize she hadn't said anything; not this time at least. But what she'd said to him that night still haunted him.
"You want me to choose?" Jim's voice wavered a little as he caught a glimpse of Mario peeking at them from around the corner, "Then tell your men to lower their guns. I don't trust them not to shoot me by accident."
"You're right." Jervis agreed, "They are stupid."
With that he nodded his head and his men did as told.
"Now, you lower yours." Jim continued.
"And why would I do that?" Jervis let out a small laugh.
"Because I'll shoot you." Mario threatened as he made his presence known to everyone.
Lee stared at her fiance, who was pointing a gun at the man holding her hostage. She wanted to feel relieved -but his being there only caused her more concern. Now his life was danger too.
"You okay?" Mario asked as he looked at her.
She nodded, but the look on her face said differently.
"Well, well..." Tetch began, "This was your grand plan, James? Play along until Dr. Calvi could sneak in and shoot me dead? There's just one small problem -before you arrived I went down to the basement and switched the magazine in that gun with empty one."
Calling his bluff, Mario pulled the trigger -but nothing happened.
Mario locked eyes with Bird, the half-sister he'd only recently been reunited with and she stared blankly back at him.
An empty clip?
He could read the expression on her face so clearly; so full of judgement -he'd made a fools mistake.
A amateur error she never would have.
"My apologies Dr. Calvi." Jervis said as his men pointed their guns at Mario now, "I only set the table for four. Dumfree, will you please escort the doctor to the bathroom. I believe there's still one chain in working order."
Lee scooted to the edge of her seat as she watched the man she loved be taken away at gun point.
She'd already lost so much in her life and she didn't think she could bear losing Mario too.
"I'm out of patience!" Jervis yelled. Angrily flailing his arm holding the gun, "Who do you love?"
"You wanna talk about love? Lets talk about who you love -or loved. Your sister knew you were crazy and she was terrified of you. She hated you-" Jim started to say.
"Enough!"
"-She told me what you did to her when you were kids. The thought of you disgusted her."
"Lies! Deceit! The story you tell is incomplete. She loved me!"
"Loved you?" Jim echoed, "She killed herself rather than be with you."
"No, she didn't... no, no." Jervis' arm holding the gun dropped a little. Tears welling up in his eyes.
"She impaled herself on a spike and died in agony because even that was better than having you touch her again-"
"No, no, no, no."
"I saw her, when she was dying, her face when she knew she was finally safe from you. She was smiling, because despite the pain she was happy."
"LIAR!"
Jervis screamed.
"She was the only thing I ever loved and you sent her soul to heaven above." Jervis crossed the room and pressed the barrel of the gun to the center of Jim's forehead.
"That's right. Me. I'm the one you want. So let Bird and Lee go. Keep me, but let them go." Jim pleaded.
They were both in this situation because of him after all.
Bird quietly scooted her chair back from the table some.
Jim had Jervis distracted, so focused on him that she thought she could make a move.
Take out the remaining Tweed brother in the room. Get his gun and kill Jervis.
Lee's eyes slowly moved from where Tetch seemed just seconds away from shooting Jim in the head to where Bird was moving away from the table.
They were crazy, she thought to herself, both of them.
Something inside of both of them had to be so mangled, so badly broken that they only felt alive when they were staring death in the face.
Bird looked at Jim one more time before she jumped to her feet, grabbed the tea kettle from the table and threw the hot liquid right in the Tweed's face.
With a cry of pain the gun clattered from his hands onto the floor -but before Bird could dive for it a loud gunshot rang out.
The blast shattering a light fixture above the kitchen island. Raining shards of broken glass and splintered wood down.
Jim's eyes were wide as he looked to where Dumfree was standing. He'd returned just in time to witness Bird burning his brother's face.
"I see." Jervis straightened his posture and watched as Bird had no choice but to take her seat at the table again or the next blast would be directed at her, "You still think there is a way out of this. But there isn't. A choice has to be made, Jim. I'm determined that you'll live on and suffer without your love as I have. Choose."
"No, I won't choose." Jim defied him.
"You will. You will. You'll certainly spill." Jervis argued.
The revenge fueled look in his eyes grew darker with each passing second.
Jim looked over at Bird who was staring at him and then his eyes cut over to where Lee had gone back to staring down at the spread on the table.
He felt like someone had punched a hole through his stomach and then another through his very heart.
His plan had failed. They'd exhausted all their options.
No one was going to burst through the door and put a stop to this.
There was a ringing sound in the distance. Deafening as the sound grew louder and any last traces of hope he had melted away.
There was no way out of this.
Someone was going to die.
"I'll make this easy for you." Jervis moved back to his place at the head of the table, "On the count of three; instead of telling me who you love -tell me who to kill. Or I shoot both which would be such a thrill!"
The sound of his voice pierced through the ringing sound in Jim's mind.
"One."
Jim looked back and forth between them. From Lee to Bird and then back again.
He couldn't do it.
How could he choose who lives and who dies?
That would be like he, himself, pulling a trigger on one of them and he couldn't. He wouldn't.
"Two."
His heart threatened to burst free from his chest.
A pounding started in his head.
He couldn't do this. It was impossible.
But if he didn't pick one to live then he'd lose them both.
"Three."
No. He couldn't pick. He wouldn't pick.
"Kill Bird."
The words came out of him fast. Urgent in a desert dry voice that didn't sound like it had come from him at all.
Lee's mouth hung open as she fought for air in the room that felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of it.
Bird closed her eyes. Her head falling forward; dark brunette locks falling around her face, shielding Jim from seeing the expression on her face as he stared at her.
Silently begging for her to look at him. To understand why he'd just said what he did.
"Finally; the truth is revealed." Jervis' face lit up in satisfaction, "You chose Bird because you love Lee."
He pointed the gun at Bird.
"Very well." Jervis smirked; thinking he'd won.
That he'd tricked Jim into showing his hand and now he was going to make it hurt.
If he chose Bird to die than that meant he truly loved Lee; which meant Lee's loss would be the one he couldn't live with.
So, Jervis turned towards Lee, finger on the trigger and just as he was going to put an end to her life, the front door was kicked open and shots range out.
The next few seconds passed in a lightning fast blur.
Bullet holes lined the walls.
Bird flipped her chair backwards to get on the floor and out of the path of any crossfire.
Jervis and the Tweeds disappeared out of the door Mario had snuck in through; making a run for their lives.
Lee raised her head from where she'd ducked down in fear. Her dining room looked like a war zone.
Jim's eyes were wide as he stared at the doorway to the room where Victor Zsasz stood; a gun in each hand.
Time seemed to be standing still for everyone who'd been at the tea party. None of them made a move to get up or say anything. Bird was still sitting on the floor where she'd landed.
Victor glanced over in the direction his targets had fled and then in one fluid motion, he crossed his arms and returned his guns back to their holders.
Crossing to the other side of the table he extended a hand and helped Bird to her feet.
"About time." She lamely tried to joke with her mouth as dry as cotton.
She accepted the help and gave him a grateful expression as he helped her up to her feet.
"You didn't make it easy." Zsasz pointed out that she didn't exactly tell him where she was going to be held hostage; just that someone was coming for her.
"What-" Lee sputtered standing to her feet and nervously wringing her hands in front of her, knowing she'd just came mere seconds away from being killed, "What is happening?"
She stared at Bird, "All that time we were locked up and you didn't tell me help was coming?"
"I didn't know for sure." Bird answered honestly.
"Barbara called to give me a heads up that Tetch was there asking her questions about Jim and me -and you. I tried calling Victor for help but that's when the Tweeds grabbed me. I had no idea if he'd find us."
"I..." Lee continued to stammer, "I'm..."
Reaching up she rubbed her temples.
She felt like her head was going to combust.
Without another word to any of them she turned and headed for the bathroom to check on and free Mario.
"Bird-" Jim started in a rushed voice.
There was so much he needed to say.
Though he wasn't even sure how to begin; how to explain that even though the words 'kill Bird' had left his mouth -that it wasn't what he'd meant at all.
He'd only made it a step towards her when he was brought to a stop by Victor standing in way, gun drawn and at the center of Jim's forehead.
"What are you doing?" Jim and Bird both questioned in near unison.
"Kill Bird." Victor repeated the words he'd heard the moment he'd breached the house.
"Victor-" Bird argued.
"He said kill Bird." He repeated like she hadn't been sitting at the same table as Jim when he'd spoken.
"I know." She nodded, reaching out and putting a hand on Victor's arm and pushed so he'd lower the weapon, "I heard him."
•••
It was close to two hours later that Jim found himself hesitant to enter Bird's townhouse.
Bird, in her typical fashion, had fled the scene when GCPD had showed up and Jim had been at the police station answering questions.
But that was over now and here he was; standing on the top of the steps, eyes cast down.
The day had taken it's toll on him; like he'd aged thirty years in a single afternoon.
It wasn't just the muscle aches; it went much deeper than just the physical.
Bird was still alive. Lee was still alive. He was still alive.
And while those three facts were a win -he couldn't shake what he was feeling.
Nor could he pinpoint exactly what that feeling was.
Something like loss?
Lee and Bird might both still be breathing -but in many ways Tetch had won.
He kept saying he was going to show Jim who he was really was; had been certain to drive him crazy and while Jim's sanity was still in tact, he didn't feel whole.
People were dead that day because of him. A newly wed couple had been hypnotized into jumping to their deaths because he'd made the decision to save a little boys life instead.
On his path of learning where Tetch was keeping Bird and Lee, he'd had another decision to make.
A doctor or a businessman.
That was when he realized exactly how the day would end.
Lee was a doctor after all and Bird held a high position at Wayne Enterprises.
He refused to make a decision that time and due to his indecisiveness both men had been electrocuted to death.
He'd realized what was waiting for him at the end of the horrid journey; that Tetch meant to have him choose either Bird or Lee -one to live and one to die.
He'd stubbornly been so sure he'd figure a way out of it. A solution in which not only would they both live; but one in which he wouldn't have to choose.
To go on living; believing himself incapable of making a decision like that; let alone saying it out loud.
He'd been purposely avoiding mirrors since the tea party; no longer sure it would even be his own reflection staring back at him.
Or maybe the real horror of it was that he'd look into the glass and see himself physically unchanged; know that it had been inside him all along.
Closing his eyes, Jim pulled in a deep breath and finally reached for the door handle.
He'd only been delaying the inevitable. He'd have to face Bird sooner or later; look her in the eyes and hope he hadn't lost her.
Even though he'd gotten inside of Tetch's head and knew the person he told him to kill would be the one whose life was spared, she'd still heard him say to kill her.
Those words would never be erased or taken back; no matter the meaning behind them.
Jim found Bird in the bedroom, sitting on the padded bench seat in front of the vanity.
He lingered in the doorway of the room and watched as she was leaned forward closer to the mirror, inspecting the damage that had been done to her face.
He still didn't know what had happened to her that day. Both she and Tetch said he wasn't the cause of it.
"Hey."
He said when all other words evaded him.
Such a simple word.
Bird's back stiffened some but she didn't turn to look his direction.
"Hey." She replied. Her eyes glued to the mirror as he walked further into the room and she finally caught sight of him in the glass.
He looked exhausted; sounded it too.
The day had been traumatic for them all to say the least.
She continued to watch him in the mirror and he watched her back; both waiting for the other one to speak, to see where they stood now that the day had come to a close.
Now that they were alone.
"We'll find him." Bird finally spoke, referring to Tetch who was still on the loose.
"Yeah." Jim let out a rattling breath, "Or he'll find us again, right?"
"I tried. I'm sorry." He shook his head before his neck hung in exhaustion and shame, "I wanted to find him first -before anything like this happened."
He'd tried, but he'd also failed.
If he couldn't keep the ones who meant the most to him safe from harm than how could he ever be a cop again? Charged with serving and protecting the people of the city.
"I know you did." Bird's tone was low, a swearing of a promise, "You did everything you could-"
"Yeah and he still got the upper hand. He won." Jim moved closer to the bed and sat down on the end of it.
"Did he?" Bird turned on the seat to face him, "Lee's safe with Mario and you're here with me, we're all still alive -that seems more like a win for us."
"Bird. You have to know-" He seemed to be having trouble finding his words again, "You have to understand..."
He raised his head, eyes meeting with hers.
Bird had a feeling he was trying to explain why he'd told Jervis to kill her; as if she hadn't already figured it out.
Clearly he was struggling to get the words out, she figured that had more with him having to admit that his choosing her to live meant sentencing someone else to death -someone he'd cared very deeply for.
And maybe if it were a different day she'd have made it easy on him and said 'I know', those two simple words really holding so much meaning. Letting him know she understood and he didn't have to say it out loud.
But she just couldn't.
Her heart was still broken from the fight she'd gotten into with Oswald earlier that day and her thoughts felt like tangled thorn bushes. The more she tried to escape them the more she got ensnared.
She knew it wasn't fair to Jim, but she needed him to say it.
To admit he'd chosen her. That she was the most important thing to him.
And so she sat in silence, waiting.
"If you knew Tetch already had Lee and was coming for you -why didn't you run?" He questioned.
Bird's brows raised. Give and take. A truth for a truth.
Fine, she thought, she'd lay herself bare as long as he did the same.
"I thought I could save her." Bird admitted.
When Jim gave her a questioning look she could only imagine the thoughts running through his head in that moment.
It was then that she was struck with a thought of her own; how much better the words of her answer sounded than the meaning behind them.
Maybe it was because she'd seen Harvey early that morning and now a part of her couldn't help but think of how if he heard say that, he'd have smiled. Thought she was changing for the better. That she would have done what she could to save someone else just for the sole purpose of doing the right thing.
That was why she spoke first again. She didn't want Jim to get the wrong idea about it -about her.
She didn't put herself into a dangerous situation to save someone she didn't really care much about.
"It's not near as heroic as it sounds. We both know saving people isn't really my thing." Bird said, giving a small shrug before admitting, "I planned on saving her just so you wouldn't have to. Because I knew even if Tetch just had Lee -you'd still try to save her."
There part she didn't divulge was how she was still hurting from her fight with Oswald that morning and she knew if she got hurt badly or even killed that day that it would eat away at her best friend; possibly ex-best friend, she wasn't decided yet.
"Bird-" Jim started with a sigh.
And after sitting there wishing he'd talk, she suddenly didn't want him to.
"And I get it. It's not like this-" She motioned between them, "Is the first relationship either of us have been in."
Her voice took on a slightly defensive tone when she added, "And you can't tell me that when Lenny's mob grabbed Harvey and we had to go after him that a part of you just wanted to save him so it wouldn't be me."
Jim leaned forward from where he was sitting on the end of the end of the bed. His arms resting on his legs as he let out a breath that seemed to nearly crumple him on exhale.
"You're right."
He admitted.
No disagreement. No argument. No fight; he didn't have any fight left in him.
Bird's brows lowered. He was more beaten down than she'd realized.
The kind of broken that you can't glue back together because none of the pieces fit the same anymore.
"Jim..." Bird began.
"No." He shook his head, "You need to know... Bird, you have to know that when I told Tetch to shoot you that..."
He cleared his throat, "That I was really..."
"Choosing me to live." Bird finished it for him.
He looked up to see she was standing now and he slowly rose to his feet to meet her.
"I know." She nodded. No longer needing him to say it out loud.
Actions speak louder than words after all and with two lives hanging in the balance he'd picked her to live.
What Tetch had been making him decide wasn't just who he loved more and who meant the most to him.
Ultimately it was a question of who he couldn't live without -and the answer was Bird.
"I know what's really going on. Why you don't feel like today was a win for you." Bird stepped closer, her hands went to the sides of his face to make sure he heard her and didn't pull away, "But you're wrong. Those decisions you had to make today doesn't mean you're a bad person-"
"Don't they?" Jim questioned his eyes meeting hers.
For his entire life, all he'd done was try and make the right decisions. Tip the scales towards good. Save and help as many people as he could.
But today the scale fell the other way. People were dead because of the decisions he'd made. Families were mourning lost loved ones.
It wasn't like this was the first time his hands were figuratively stained with blood.
Even in the line of duty he'd had to make split second decisions where not everyone lived to see another day.
But it felt different now. Heavier even.
"You can't-" Bird started but Jim quickly shushed her as he argued, "Don't. Don't say that I can't save everyone. That's the same thing you said when you were dying in my arms that night and it's all I've heard echoing around in my head all day."
"Okay." She said a little too abruptly. Her hands falling from where they'd been placed against his cheeks.
Clasping them at her front she gave him an apologetic expression, "I'm not good at this -at being someone's soft place to fall. I'm all sharp edges and-"
"Stop." Jim pleaded as his eyes locked with hers.
"It's true." Bird argued.
Her line of sight dropped some. She hated these moments. The times when it became clear, painfully so, that she didn't feel things like most everyone else.
One of the many times in her life when she was forced to face how differently she was wired.
It wasn't something that bothered her often. After all, the world takes all kinds, right?
And despite her actions often being at the disapproval of others, she usually prided herself on being able to make the tough decisions and call the shots that others couldn't.
But there were still times when she wished certain traits came easier to her; warmth and comfort, to name a few.
She remembered the way both of those radiated from her mom and how even though Martha Wayne was the woman who'd raised her, how very little of those attributes had rubbed off on her.
Instead, despite knowing her for very little time, Bird saw much more of her biological mother in her. Lilith's coldness came much more naturally.
"That's not true." Jim stepped closer when she started to back away.
"It is, I'm-"
She she started to argue.
"I know who you are." He said, causing her stop her backward retreat.
"You sure about that?" She asked with a half-smile.
"I am." He stepped closer.
"And you still picked me?" Bird asked, with the same expression on her face.
Acting as though his answers didn't hold near the weight with her that they actually did.
"I did." Jim nodded, "And I still would."
"Over and over again." He promised.
His face move closer to hers, but she turned her head slightly and instead of letting him kiss her, she questioned, "Why?"
Jim's brows lowered at her question; more so at the look in her eyes when she asked -as if it were something she genuinely had tried but failed to understand.
Something was eating away at her and he was quickly gathering it wasn't only the hostage situation she'd been involved in earlier.
"What happened?" He questioned, gently taking hold of her chin and turning her face from side-to-side to take in the bruising on her face, small cuts and other imperfections that weren't there that morning, "You said it wasn't Tetch? So what happened."
"Uh..." She let out the breath of air she'd been clinging to. Her shoulders sank upon exhale. A letting go of sorts as she answered, "Oswald and I got into a fight."
"With who?"
Was Jim's immediate response.
As if the answer she'd given already was only half the story. As if it were so far outside the realm of possibility that they'd gotten physically violent with each other.
"Oswald and I got into a fight." Bird plainly repeated as she waited for it to sink in.
"I heard you." Jim argued, "But who did you..."
There it was.
The expression of comprehension.
Visible flash of anger darkening his eyes.
Jaw tensed. Fists clenched.
"Oswald did this to you?" His voice was jagged like broken rock.
"It was a fight, Jim." Bird said with a small sigh at having to say the say thing all over again, "It wasn't one sided-"
"But he's the one that hurt you?" He pushed. Insistent on getting a straight answer.
Bird's head slowly tilted to the side at his response.
It was something she hadn't anticipated. The protectiveness. The outrage.
She also couldn't deny it was nice to have someone who didn't immediately think she was to blame.
Whenever she'd come home with visible signs of injury when she was with Harvey, he'd of course show concern and anger, but the way he'd ask about what happened always made her feel like she was going to be telling on herself.
Not so much a 'who did this to you' as it was a 'what did you do to deserve this'.
And before Harvey, it was her parents asking in nearly the same way.
Her extended silence, which Jim took as more of a reluctance to tell him rather than her inner moment of reflection, was the answer to his question.
Without another word he turned and started to walk away. Not seeming or feeling near as exhausted as he had just minutes before.
Sometimes the flames of rage are the only fuel needed.
"Jim, wait!" Bird caught hold of his arm before he moved too far away, "Whatever you're planning on doing; don't."
"I stabbed him." Bird admitted, when he still seemed determined on getting out of the house. More than likely to find Oswald.
When Jim spun back to around to look at her, Bird held up her hands and tried to lessen the blame she'd just took, "With a fork -and it was just his hand."
"What the hell happened?" He demanded to know. Feeling more lost than ever in the conversation.
It wasn't all that long ago that you'd never see one best friend without the other one.
He couldn't pretend to understand the bond Bird and Oswald shared, but he'd never had any trouble in seeing just how deep those ties bound them both.
"Does it even matter?" Bird shook her head, "We're both hurt and we both hurt each other."
"You're what matters." Jim answered, moving back to where he'd been standing just in front of her,"Are you okay?"
"Are you okay, Jim?" Bird answered his question with one of his own.
They stared at each other in the silence of the room.
"Ask me in the morning." His tone was soft; his voice heavy with the second wave of exhaustion he'd been hit with.
Bird gave him a small smile and nodded in agreement.
Today had been too much on both of them; they weren't okay in any sense of the word, but neither was willing to admit defeat.
"But we're okay, right?" Bird questioned, "Maybe not individually, but together -things are still okay with us?"
He leaned in more, his face closer to hers and she thought he was going to kiss her.
Her heart felt like was dropping down into her stomach.
She needed an actual answer. A verbal yes or no.
A kiss wasn't an answer. It could even be seen as the avoidance of one.
Then, as if he could read her mind, he stopped with his face mere inches from hers.
"We better be..." His voice was barely over a whisper as he slid his arms around her, "Because this -us, is probably the only thing working out in my life right now."
With a chuckle dowsed in relief, she leaned in closing the distance between them and pressed her mouth to his.
Beaten and broken separately, but somehow together they both made each other a little more whole.
"I love you." He said against her lips, "The answer to what you asked me earlier; is because I love you."
"I love you too." She whispered back.
And maybe that was enough, Bird considered -or at least right now, in his arms, it felt like enough.
Though she couldn't stop her mind from wandering into treacherous territory.
To all of the times she'd told Harvey that love wasn't always enough and the fears started to creep in that maybe this time wouldn't be any different in the end.
Despite her best efforts to block out all of the things Jervis Tetch had said to them that day, his voice, his words still lingered in her head.
That Jim was trying to save her as a means to redeem himself.
There was no doubt he'd been trying to right his wrongs.
Ever since the night he'd pulled the trigger on Theo Galavan, something collapsed inside of him. Gave way in the darkness and it had flooded in; left him desperately seeking the light to chase it out.
Her loved her; she believed that.
But the seeds had already been planted and started to sprout roots and now she couldn't stop the doubts from blooming.
What if love wasn't really enough?
•••