ABBIE
"Merry Christmas!" Bobby cheers as he greets us. He instantly has me wrapped tightly in his embrace and I snuggle in here.
"Merry Christmas," I smile fondly at him.
"Wyatt. Merry Christmas." He holds his hand out and Wyatt takes it.
"Merry Christmas to you, Bobby."
Bobby drops down so he's eye level with Jerra. "Hey now. I remember you. You got the magical Christmas spirit cupcakes."
"I did!" Jerra doesn't even hesitate. She throws herself around him in a hug. Bobby looks up at me with a huge smile as he lifts her up. "They worked too. They were yummy and even daddy was singing. Daddy can't sing at all and he hardly does it but the cupcakes made him! Do you have any left?"
"Of course I do," Bobby chuckles with a smirk towards Wyatt. "It isn't Christmas without them. We'll all be singing later."
"Oh yay! Isn't that great, daddy?"
"Super great," Wyatt rolls his eyes at me.
"Come on. There are so many people who want to meet you," Bobby says to Jerra.
"I like meeting new people. Daddy said you guys are Abbie's family but she just met you. My daddy doesn't have a family either. Just me and Abbie and our baby."
Bobby stops walking and turns towards us. "I didn't know that," he says to Wyatt. "You were adopted too?"
"Aged out of foster care," Wyatt answers and I watch as Bobby frowns and a look of sadness appears in his eyes.
"Well you have a giant family now." He begins walking again and I give Wyatt a small kiss on his jaw before we follow him. "Look who I found," he announces and the festive noise increases. It's slightly overwhelming, especially as I see people I've never met.
Trey immediately runs up and hugs me. "Why haven't I seen you for a long time?" He asks, causing my guilt to hit me hard. "I thought I'd be seeing you a lot." How do I explain that I'm uncomfortable around his mom, our mom, and I didn't even want to come today knowing she'd be here?
"I'm sorry. I've been busy. Merry Christmas though."
"Thank you. Merry Christmas!"
Elliot hugs me tightly next, followed by Asher, Jessa, and Faye. There are so many Merry Christmas' being thrown around. It's slightly chaotic and overwhelming, but I also love it. The holidays have never been like this for me. They were quiet, sad, and lonely. Even when mom was alive, it was never this loud.
I startle when Bobby lets off a loud whistle. "Simmer down, you lot. We've got introductions to make here."
"Hi, I'm Jerra." She waves at everyone with such a huge smile. "This is my Abbie. She's going to marry my dad, right there. She's not going to be my mom though. My mom told me that. She will be a stepmom. That just means she's marrying my dad I guess." I didn't realize Ivy told her that. It's not surprising that she wouldn't want Jerra calling me mom. Wyatt shifts uncomfortably next to me and puts his hand on my back. I lean into him. I'm sure he's annoyed too. Jerra can call me whatever she wants. I just hate that Ivy is trying to control it.
Things have been going good with the new custody agreement. Our lawyer suggested a few things and Ivy made the changes. Wyatt signed the next day. So far, it's been amazing. Wyatt just lit up having Jerra with us for an entire week. She seems really happy too. This is his first week without her, but it was broken up so they can both see her for Christmas. Ivy's been surprisingly pleasant too. I was nervous when she dropped Jerra off and it was just me at home. Wyatt had gotten called into work but she was completely fine with it. She made sure I had her number just in case anything came up. Maybe Wyatt was right. Maybe Ivy realized she can't come between us and has accepted me and what is best for Jerra... maybe.
"Abbie painted me a really cool picture for Christmas." This makes me smile. She loves her painting. "It has an unicorn and snowflakes and lots of glitter! It's awesome!" Jerra's rushing through her words as she excitedly talks. She was really excited to see that painting. Of course I was painting it for her after she asked. When I had gotten home from the Halloween festival, I wrote down what she wanted and sketched it out.
"Jerra," Bobby says with a huge smile, "I'm Bobby. I'm Abbie's grandpa. That pretty lady right there is Jessa. She's her grandma."
"She is pretty. Hi. J," she sounds out the j sound and goes through all the sounds in Jessa's name. "E. SS. A. Jessa. Your name is like mine but with s. My name has two r's in it."
"Good job!" Jessa hugs Jerra. Bobby refuses to put her down. I love how he seems to adore her already. "You're so smart."
"I know," Jerra giggles. She loves being the center of attention.
The introductions continue. He introduces Elliot, Cora, Asher, Kellen, and Trey and then explains who they are to me. It's the first time Cora and I make eye contact. She gives me a small, sad looking smile. I was surprised she kept her distance when I first walked in. I'm actually relieved that Bobby is explaining who everyone is to Jerra. It would be awkward for me to do it, only because I'm still not sure what my place is in this family. Plus, I don't know everyone here.
"This is Aria," Bobby says.
"Oh. Leah said you're in movies and really cool," Jerra announces as she leans in to give Aria a hug.
I don't know Aria or how she is around kids, so I wasn't sure what to expect from this. Her glamorous smile is huge though. "Of course I'm cool," she winks at Jerra.
Bobby shakes his head. "This is Faye and this..."
"You guys look alike. Are you twins?" Jerra asks.
"We are," Faye replies. "She may be cool, but I'm the nicer one."
"Debatable," Aria adds.
"This is Wyatt," I quickly say before the introductions can move on. Wyatt shakes both of their hands.
"He's a cutie," Aria smirks. "Well done, niece."
"Good lord," Bobby says under his breath. "Anyway, this is Faye's husband Jett and their daughter Alice." Now we're getting into people I've never met before.
"Oliver and his wife Molly and their kids Evelyn and Henry."
"Oh, hi! Can I get down now?" Jerra asks Bobby and he chuckles as he sits her on her feet. "Kids. There's more kids. How old are you? I'm five."
"Nine," answers Henry.
"I'm seven," Evelyn replies. "I'm so happy we have another girl now. There are too many boys and they don't play with me."
"I like makeup."
"Me too!" Evelyn cheers. "Mimi, can we play in your makeup?"
Jessa smiles down at them. "Of course you can. Come on."
Jerra stops walking and looks around the room. "Where's that Trey kid? You boys need to come too."
Trey walks to her. "I don't like makeup but Henry and I can watch."
"Don't be afraid. You should let me do yours. You'd look pretty," Jerra says to him.
"I'm not afraid," he huffs out. "I just don't like makeup."
"My daddy lets me do his makeup." There's a smattering of giggles at that and Wyatt turns dark red. He shifts his weight next to me as amused glances are thrown his way.
"As he should," Bobby suddenly announces. "My girls always did my makeup too." I smile at that. I don't doubt it at all. Both of these men are amazing fathers. I wonder if Elliot would have let me do his when I was small. We watch as the four little kids follow Jessa from the room. "Alright. Where were we?" Bobby gives me probably the sweetest smile I've ever seen him give. "There are two lovely ladies who can't wait to meet you. Follow me." Who? I follow Bobby into the kitchen and see two older ladies sitting at the kitchen table with mugs of tea.
"Mom." Mom? My heartbeat skips. I have a great grandma. "Kathy. This, is our Angel."
One of the woman's hand flies to her mouth as tears creep from her eyes. "Oh my word. I never thought I'd get to meet you."
"Stop crying, Rose and let's hug our great grandbaby." The other woman slowly stands and I close the distance between us. I don't want her to have to move far. "I'm your grandma Kathy, sweetie." I nestle into her. I never considered that I'd have great grandparents still alive.
"Well let go of her and let me have her now." I giggle as I switch to the other woman. "I'm grandma Rose. Bobby's my son. I've prayed so hard for you, child. So hard." She kisses my cheek and grips my face. Her hands tremble, but I think it's from age, not emotion. She searches my eyes and studies me. "I'm sorry." Why is she sorry? Before I can ask, the noise follows us into the kitchen.
We spend the next hour getting to know everyone while Jessa and Bobby finish cooking dinner, which was beyond superb. Those two can definitely cook a delicious feast. There was an awkward moment when Cora finally approached me. She gave me a quick hug and wished me a Merry Christmas. She then gave me space, which I was relieved about. After desserts and presents, the night winds down. We all cuddle into the living room with a variety of drinks. The kids have hot chocolates, which is apparently a Bobby Christmas classic. Some adults are drinking English tea while others have their choice of alcohol. Wyatt is sitting on one of the arm chairs and I'm nestled on his lap. I watch as Jerra and Everly play with their new toys. I wasn't expecting Jerra to get so many. Jessa, Bobby, Elliot, and Cora spoiled her. She's so happy and excited. They're treating her like they're treating all the other kids. She's family too.
"Come here, my dear." Rose reaches out her hands for me. I stand up and walk to her. She grabs her cane and stands up too. "Let's go chat."
"Of course." She wraps her arm through mine and we stroll out of the room and into the kitchen. "So noisy in there, but I love it. Noise is the sound of family. When you get old like me, the silence feels like death. I miss the noise. My Bobby takes good care of me and all my grandbabies visit often. It's not the same though. It's not the same kind of noise now as when my kids were little. Most of the time it's just quiet." I'm not sure what to say to that. It sounds sad. I help her into a seat. She takes my hand, so I sit down next to her. "I blame myself. For what happened to you, it was partly my fault."
"How?" I cock my head in confusion as I study the sorrow in this sweet lady's eyes.
"How much do you know about your mom?"
Talking about Cora makes me anxious and this isn't really something I feel like doing. It's Christmas. I want to enjoy the simple happiness of the moment, not dive into something complicated. "She's a doctor. I know that her and Elliot were friends as kids but had a falling out. Umm. I know they reconnected in college."
"Her depression?"
"I know she struggles with it. She had it recently because of me."
Rose nods. "I've noticed the two of you haven't interacted much today. You're close with Elliot though."
"Yeah. I am." I begin fiddling with my hair. I'm not sure where she's going with this and its making me nervous.
"Have you heard anything about your mom in high school?"
"No." I've not gotten close to Cora so why would we chat about her childhood like that?
"Your mom was always gorgeous but she had no self esteem. She thought she needed to look like the twins. Then when her and Elliot had their falling out, she didn't take it well. She didn't make a lot of friends and set herself up as a loner. She met this boy though. It was her senior year. They were only friends but she had a crush on him. They ended up having a falling out too. That messed her up. The only two boys she ever liked, she lost."
"I'm sorry, Rose. I don't mean to interrupt, but why are you telling me this?"
She reaches over and cups my cheek. "Because it's relevant. You need to know what Cora's been through to understand why she did what she did."
"You mean why she gave me up?"
"Yes. This boy began to bully her. It was really bad. I don't know all the details here. Bobby wouldn't tell me and Cora never opened up to me about it. I just know she was bullied. Then she was drugged prom night."
"Drugged?" My stomach grows uneasy. There was a girl my freshman year that was drugged and raped. I didn't know her well, but the fear from her story always stuck with me and Morgan.
"Yes. She wasn't raped." Thank God. "They took nudes of her. She was apparently posed so it looked like she took them of herself and they were posted online." My stomach turns more and more unsettled. She sighs out as she looks down at the table. "My Bobby freaked out. He thought she posted them herself. He lost it. I think that really messed Cora up even though she's never admitted it. She saw how her dad reacted. He didn't listen to her when she said she didn't do it. She thought he hated her." I can't even image what that would be like. I try to picture Bobby that angry, but it's impossible. I've only ever seen him happy and sad. "They quickly realized something was wrong and that's when they learned she was drugged. Anyway, the bullying got really bad. Her pictures were all over the school. I'll never forget the day..." Her voice catches and tears spring to her eyes. I reach for her hand and take it in an attempt to soothe her. I don't like seeing this sweet woman so sad. "My husband had died a month earlier. I had just shown up at the cemetery to visit him when I got the call. Cora tried to kill herself." I do a sharp intake of air. I feel like crying, knowing that she was hurting that bad. With my few bouts of depression, I've never wanted to kill myself. I can't imagine how lost you'd have to feel to be suicidal. "That was the first time she tried to kill herself."
"What?!" I spit out in shock.
"Mom," Bobby sighs, making me jump. I didn't know he was there. He walks in and sits on the other side of her. "This isn't your story to tell."
"She needs to know. I've watched them all night. Abbie needs to know why Cora was driven to give her up."
"It's Cora's story."
"And Cora's not sharing it so I'm going to. I don't know how much longer I've got and I want to see my family happy before I go." I gulp at that. My emotions are heavy and I'm not sure how to feel about any of this.
"It's ok," Cora says from the doorway and my head flies that way again. What is with these people sneaking up on us? "She deserves to know, but I don't want you to base your feelings on me because of what I went through. Maybe it will explain why I did what I did, but I still did it. I still gave you up and made the biggest mistake of my life and that mistake rests solely on my shoulders." She turns and leaves the room and I stare at the empty doorway.
"After her first attempt," Rose continues so I look back to her. "She got help and came to live with me in Scotland."
"Where she ran into Elliot again," I whisper and she nods.
Rose laughs as memories cloud her vision. "They were just friends but I knew it was more. I could see it in the way they looked at each other. They both fought it. They both tried to hide it." Her smile falls and she sighs out again. "I missed the signs."
"It's not your fault, mom."
"I didn't realize she was getting bad again. This is when her second attempt happened. Your dad saved her life this time. After that, I thought things were getting better. She got help and she seemed to be doing so good. Didn't she?" She looks towards Bobby but he sadly shakes his head.
"I didn't want her dating Elliot. I chased him off and held him away for as long as I could. I knew it was inevitable. I knew how he felt about her. I just didn't think Cora could handle a relationship. It didn't matter either way. She was already pregnant. We just didn't know. She didn't know. They didn't date very long before there was a huge fight and they broke up."
"She came back to Scotland to try to get him back," Rose states with sadness.
"I never asked, but I think she was wanting to tell him about you," Bobby adds. "That's why she went back to Scotland."
"It didn't go well though. Elliot wouldn't take her back." Rose's voice cracks. "She was so sad when she came back to my house. We baked cookies. I had no idea what she was planning. I wish she would have just told me about you. I wish..." Her head falls and she looks broken. I hate that she's holding on to this like it was her fault. "I wish I would have picked up on something. She ran. I went to bed and when Bobby called in the middle of the night, she was nowhere. Her car was there. Her phone was there. She was gone. I didn't know if I'd ever see her again. We worried she had went off and killed herself."
"Oh my God!" I can't image how scary that would be; to love someone who has a history of attempted suicide, and they disappear like that. It's tragic.
"I would have searched for her forever," Bobby says sadly. "My private investigator eventually found her in New York and we brought her home."
"Abbie." Rose reaches for my hand again. "She went through a lot. She was just a child and she went through some really deep and horrible things. It's no surprise she handled it the way she did. Then her dad..."
"Fuck," Bobby mumbles. I already know he blames himself. I'm starting to understand why a bit more.
"No boys. No sex. She got pregnant. I'm sure she remembered how he reacted when her pictures were posted online." Bobby jumps up and pours himself a whisky. "Dump that out. You're not suppose to have alcohol." He downs the drink and pours himself another. "Robert James McKenzie! I will not bury another child before I die! Dump that damn thing out! Think of your heart!"
"My heart can't take the regrets," he mumbles as he pours the drink down the drain.
"I need you now," I say to him and his eyes turn tender. "We have a lot of years to catch up on."
"Alright. I can go without alcohol and sweets if it means being with my family longer." I smile at those words.
"So she was really scared to tell you?"
"Aye," he sighs. "So scared, she didn't think she could."
"What would you have done if she did?"
"Been upset. Disappointed. Felt like a failure, but I already feel that way. It would have been a shock, but I would have instantly loved you. I would have been there for her and supported you both."
"So this life was robbed from me." Now tears fall from my eyes. Damn hormones. I doubt it's just the pregnancy hormones though. I hate what I lost because of one woman's decision.
"I'm sorry, Bug. When I say I should be blamed, I mean it."
"Me too," Rose adds. "I was the last to see her. She ran away under my care."
"It's neither of your faults," I say. I stand up and hug Rose then Bobby. "It's just the shitty hand I was dealt."
"We have you now though," Rose says. "You found your way to us and that's all that matters. Family is all that matters." I agree, but it's easy for her to say when she's always been surrounded by all this love. I haven't been that lucky. "Any questions?"
"No. Not really." I sit down and lean back in my chair. I didn't expect any of this. I didn't expect to hear such a sad story on Christmas. My heart does hurt for Cora. I can't imagine what it was like going through all that. Hearing it, makes it all make more sense. It doesn't change the fact that I'm the one that got hurt from this. It doesn't change the fact that she is now trying to parent me like she's always been my mom, instead of some stranger.
"Does this help you at all?" Rose is so sweet. I don't mind her putting me on the spot like this, even if it's making me uncomfortable. I'm thankful I got to meet her. I hope we have a lot more time to get to know each other better.
"I mean... I understand it a bit more, but it doesn't change everything. She may have given birth to me, but she's not my mom. I already have one and just because she was taken from me, doesn't mean Cora can come in and take her place." She cringes and looks sad. "I'm sorry if that hurts you, but..."
"Do you know what I think? I think you're closer to Elliot because your adoptive father is a dick." I giggle at hearing her call him that. She smiles at me. "I've heard about him. He was never a father to you. That's why it was easier to accept Elliot in your life. You loved your adopted mother though and she loved you. You're not willing to open your heart to Cora because of that."
Wow. I allow her words to replay in my mind. She might be on to something here. I never considered it before. I've always craved a father's love because I never had it. Maybe that is why I got so close to Elliot so quickly. Maybe that's also why I'm reluctant with Cora. I've said more than once that I don't want her to replace my mom. I have no father figure for Elliot to replace.
"You ok, Angel Bug?" Bobby is studying me with concerned eyes.
"It's just a lot to digest." I pull my curls up and allow them to fall. "I don't want to hurt anyone, not even Cora. It's just all confusing."
Bobby moves so he's crouched down in front of me. "You take all the time you need. Don't worry about Cora. If this is what you need to do, this is what you need to do. I just pray you will open your heart to her at some point. She is an amazing mom and she loves you. I can promise you that much." I nod at him and lean forward to give him a hug.
"Thank you, both of you, for this talk. For understanding. For tonight. I'm really happy I was able to spend Christmas with my family." Bobby's face lights up. "It's been a long time since I've had such an amazing Christmas. Thanks for helping with that. I think I should probably head out now. I'm feeling a tad exhausted."
"Ok, Bug. We all love you."
"I know." He helps me up and wraps me in his arms. "I love you guys too."
We say our goodbyes and leave. I do give Cora a goodbye hug too. It is Christmas after all. She seemed really happy that I initiated it. My heart really does go out to her for what she's been through. I can understand why that lead her to give me up. It still hurts though. Is this something I'll be able to get over? Do I plan on living the rest of my life by hanging on to something that was out of my control? Wouldn't it just be better to forgive and move on?