Am I a Lukewarm Christian? Do I have a real relationship with God? Why am I always tempted to fall into sin? Thinking to myself I continue to scroll on tiktok. There's a lady that always comes across my timeline. I always hear her but I forsake her. This time she's crying; her glasses are foggy while she is shouting with slob everywhere. "Repent for your sins, God is calling upon you to do some things for him but yet you're still living for the world." Instantly I feel this strong conviction, like God is just weighing this so heavily on my heart. It feels like the Holy-Spirit is playing tug-a-war with it , a strong sense of pulling towards doing the right thing. However I continue to scroll on the app until I fall asleep.
"Ring , Ring, Ring", Girl where you at I thought you worked today?" Dalasha said. "No, Mama wants me to go to church this Sunday. I'll be there next weekend." I say to her yawning to get my words out. "Ima call you back when I get out of church". We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone. I can hear the music blasting, the smell of the bacon smoking and the biscuits toastin, smells like how daddy used to do. In my black family, that's how you know it's tine to eat or clean. I get up to get ready for church. It's the first Sunday and I haven't been to church in almost a year. I was so nervous, mama started going to a new church and I haven't been in the presence of believers in a while. I throw this brown churchlike shirt on, you know the one's your grandmommy wear, singing in the church choir. Along with that I paired it with some light blue jeans and some brown sandals. I haven't seen myself dressed like this in a while. It reminds me of my old self before the stressing and drainful teenage problems. As I finished getting ready I noticed it's time for us to head out for church.
" ....God will do ,what he said he will do, He will stand by his word, and he will come through....." Momma likes to play church music in the car on the way to church to lift up our spirits. It's like a pep talk the coaches give before playing in a tournament game. Walking into the church, I feel God's presence immediately like a whiff of air. Straight away, I just know it's about to be a good church service just by the ushers greeting and how the choir is singing as we're walking in. I grab my communion and put my phone on vibrate. During the service, the pastor is preaching about how if we stay at Jesus's feet and in God's presence we won't have to search for our purpose. We won't struggle or weep as much if we give our problems to God. Instantly, I feel conviction again and it feels like God is pointing the finger at me now. At this very moment, I'm fully aware of what's going on and that God is speaking to me directly.
Towards the end of the church service, the pastor is welcoming all visitors and members for prayers and to join a new church home. I feel this strong urge to go up to the church pit but I hesitate. I watch as some of the believers go up unto the church pit, thinking of how the church service is about to be over. Then, he calls again and says "Okay , so there's five people that hesitated to come up here, come on down now." I hesitate again and watch as three more people go up unto the church pit. My conscience is weighing heavier and heavier as I stay. It's not over , he says again " There's two more people that hesitated again, Come on up here, You know God is talking to you". I finally go to the church pit with my family and I feel so relieved as I'm walking. The warm, salty tear and mucus is flowing down my face. While he's praying, I'm just thanking God for not letting me leave that church until I was prayed over. He never gave up on me and all I had to do was be obedient.