As predicted, we couldn't find Alice.
Ben drove us all around town, Elizabeth happily asleep in her car seat in the back of his truck. We checked everywhere we could think to look.
We tried driving around the airport, the bus stations, around the downtown areas where the bars and local hangouts are, but no sign of her.
With it being so early in the morning though, we figured downtown wouldn't help but it made me feel better to at least look.
I kept my eyes on the sidewalks, scanning every small group of people we saw for her. I looked extra hard at any people sitting on the sidewalks or sleeping leaned up against buildings.
It broke my heart to think that one of those people might be her, but in all honesty, I have no clue how she's been living all of this time.
That very well could be her reality.
When we'd looked for two hours, I decided to give up, holding onto hope in my heart that wherever she went, that she's safe.
I picture that she was picked up by a well meaning friend. Someone who took her back to their place that was warm and dry and with people who would look out for her.
I know how unlikely that scenario is, but it helps me to latch on to it instead of the other alternatives my brain conjures up.
"How about milkshakes?" Ben asks, singing lowly along to a country song on the radio.
"It's ten in the morning." I say, looking over at him. "Of course I want a milkshake."
He laughs and turns into a fast food place off of the highway and orders us both large chocolate shakes.
"Extra cherries on one." He adds to the person taking our order.
"Hey," I smack his shoulder. "I like cherries too."
"Make that extra on both, please, ma'am." He grins and we pull around to the window.
I fumble in my purse to pull out a little bit of cash to pass to Ben but he looks down at the money in my hand and then back up at my face like I'm crazy.
"I'm not taking that." He tells me.
"Yes you are." I reply back hastily. "I can afford a milkshake."
"Making two separate orders is too complicated." He says, shaking his head. "Can't do it."
"Ok, so pay on one order and I'll give you this to cover mine." I point out the obvious option. "Then it's still one order and I paid for mine."
"That's still gonna be a no from me." He says, leaning out the window to grab the shakes from the woman at the window.
He passes me mine, completely ignoring the money in my hand.
"Just take it." I say.
"Thank you, ma'am." He says to the woman. "You have a nice day." She grins back at him, wishing him the same. He pulls up, still refusing to look at me. "I'm not taking it Hayden." He says as we turn back out onto the Highway.
"You're so stubborn." I huff, shoving the money back into my purse. I take a sip of my shake and grin. "But thanks."
"You're very welcome." He laughs, putting his between his knees to pop off his lid and fish out a couple of the cherries.
I do the same with mine, grabbing one of the cherries out by the long stem. "Wanna see my party trick?" I ask, plucking the stem from the cherry and putting it into my mouth.
"Don't do this to me." He groans and I laugh.
"You sure?" I ask, flicking the stem around in my mouth. "It's a good one."
"I don't need to see you tie it into a knot with your tongue, Hayden." He's smiling but the tips of his ears are red.
"Fine." I laugh, then turn my head to face him and blow the long stem out of my mouth at him. It smacks him right in the face and he throws his head back laughing at the stop light. "Made you think." I giggle and he scoops out one of his cherries and plucks the stem, looking at me.
He puts the stem between his teeth and smiles at me before he sucks it into his mouth. In second he pulls it back out, the middle of the stem tied into a perfect little knot.
He flicks it at me and it gets stuck in my hair while I laugh, shaking my head around trying to get it out.
"Made you think." He grins to himself as we make the turn back down the road to his place.
Dammit.
He won that one.
I can't even actually do that. And I've tried. I usually just cheat and already have a tied stem in my mouth before I put another one in and then pull out the tied one to show people.
He actually did it, and my mind slips to places it shouldn't be.
"My mom will be here soon." He says, which thankfully brings my head right out of the gutter and back to the present situation at hand. "She's bringing my Granny."
"Oh, ok." I say, replacing my lid to drink some more. "I'll get my stuff and call a cab."
Ben pulls the truck into a spot near his townhouse and puts it into park, looking over at me. "I wasn't saying you've got to leave right now." He says, tapping his fingers on my knee. "Mom will probably want to meet you." He tells me. The idea of meeting his mother makes me uneasy, but I suppose I should if this is a person who is going to be in Elizabeth's life. "There's one thing though."
"Uh oh." I say, looking away. That's never a good line.
He laughs a bit. "It's nothing bad, it's just my Granny." He explains. "She's got dementia. She lives with my mom since Grandad passed last year. She can be a little off some days. I never really know what state of mind she might be in, so I just wanted to warn you."
"Oh." I say, looking back at him. "I totally get that. I've worked with a lot of people with dementia before."
"You have?" He tilts his head. "What do you do exactly? And actually, now that I think of it, where are you from?"
I suck my lips into my mouth. "So I kinda work at a funeral home." I give him a weird smile, too toothy and nervous. People don't always take the news well. In fact, most people are immediately creeped out by it. "And I'm from Tennessee. Chattanooga."
"A funeral home." Ben repeats. "How'd you get into that?"
I've actually never been asked that before.
Usually people just brush right over it or assume I'm creepy and start asking about what it's like to see dead bodies and what the craziest ones I've ever seen were.
I shrug a little.
Slowly I recount to him how I'd been introduced to it when my parents died and how much Shelia helped me. I explain to him how much I love it and I'm surprised to see him smiling as I talk. It makes me keep going. I want to keep seeing that look of interest on his face.
"It sounds like you found your calling." He says when I finally stop. "We could have used you when Grandad died. That whole experience was terrible for us. The place we used made us feel rushed and like they were trying to get him in the ground as fast as possible so they could get to the next group of people already waiting outside of the chapel. We didn't even get all the way out of the room before they wheeled out his casket and were already sliding someone else into place. It was awful."
"Wow." I say in disgust. "No, I'd never do that. Places like that piss me off. I know it's a business, but it's also people's last chances to be with their loved ones and get their goodbyes. It should never be something run in a way that's all about getting as many people in that day as you can." I shake my head. "I'm sorry that happened to y'all."
"Like I said," Ben nods. "You're doing something good for people. Families need someone who thinks about it and cares about it the same way you do."
"That's why I love it." I nod. And I really do. It's a strange job, I get that, but it's also one that is so fulfilling to me.
"Tennessee is pretty far away." Ben says, looking at the steering wheel. "I guess I assumed you were closer."
"It's only like a two hour flight." I say, but he's right. It might not be a far flight, but on the map, it's not close at all.
"Will you be able to visit a lot?" He asks, turning to me.
I lift one shoulder and let it fall. "I hope so." I nod. "But it'll be mostly holidays probably."
"I usually go home for those." Ben says.
"To Florida?"
"Yeah."
"That's not too far." I say, then frown. I'm assuming I would be welcome to visit when he's home with his family. Maybe they won't even want me around.
"I guess you're right." He nods. "Let's get inside, looks like it's about to rain again."
My mood has dampened.
The logistics on how we make any of this work in the future seems like such a task. In reality I usually go home for the holidays with Gabby and Ella to New York to stay with Gabby's parents. It's been our tradition for years.
My heart is going to be tugged into so many new directions now.
I hop out of the truck and go to the back to unbuckle Elizabeth from her seat. She starts crying instantly and we rush into the house.
Ben takes her from me to change her diaper while I go into the kitchen to make her a fresh bottle.
He plops down on the couch with her and I pass him the bottle that Elizabeth greedily takes into her mouth, the little fat tears drying on her chubby pink cheeks.
"She looks just like you, but with Alice's eyes." I say, looking at them both.
"You think so?" Ben grins up at me. "I think she looks a little like you."
"Really?" I lean over them, trying to see if any of our family features are there, but I only see Ben's brown hair and turnt up button nose with Alice's blue eyes above it. "Nah, she's all you."
"Maybe she'll get the dimples then."
"God, you better hope not." I laugh. "You'll be beating boys away."
Ben looks up at me in horror. "I don't even remotely want to start thinking of that yet, Hayden. Don't do this to me."
"Sorry bout it." I laugh. "She's gonna be a looker, nothing I can do about that."
Ben looks down at her and sighs. "Take it easy on your old man, ok?"
I look around the living room, spying my bag propped up beside the front door, then look down at myself in the clothes I've been sleeping in.
I cannot meet his family like this.
"Do you care if I use your shower?" I ask, suddenly feeling self conscious of how awful I probably look and smell.
"Go for it." He says. "I'll get this one ready for a nap."
"Ok." I grab my bag and lug it up the stairs to the bathroom and strip down and jump into the shower.
I fumble with all of the knobs but I can't get the water to turn hot no matter what I do.
I grab a towel from the closet and go out into the hallway wrapping it around myself.
"Ben!" I call down the stairs. "Your shower doesn't like me!"
I hear him laughing from down the stairs. "Just a minute." He calls back.
A couple minutes of tiptoeing around in the hallway later, Ben comes up the stairs and I follow him into the bathroom.
"Make it not ice water please." I say behind him, watching him lean over the tub.
"You have to turn this one all the way up, and then this one all the way down, then pull this up." He says while I lean over his shoulder to watch him.
The shower head springs to life and he jumps back to miss the spray but I'm standing so close to him he knocks back into me.
I stumble back towards the bathroom sink and he turns sharply to grab my shoulders before I slam into it.
We are chest to chest and I look up into his eyes, not missing the way his thumbs move up and down over my bare skin.
"I-uh-sorry." I sputter poetically.
Ben swallows hard looking down at me. "I'll, uh, let you get to it." He says, releasing me and taking a step back, putting space between us.
"Right, thanks." I nod as he exits the bathroom, pulling the door shut behind him.
Ok, now I need the cold water.
Why am I so attracted to this guy?
Sure, he's hot.
Sure, he's also ridiculously kind.
But he's also my nieces father.
The feelings I'm feeling have no place being here, especially for him. He's been with my sister. He made a freaking baby with her.
I cannot be fixating on how good it felt to have him pressed against me or the way his hands felt on my skin.
I jump into the shower, trying to drown the thoughts with the water spraying into my face. It sobers me up a little bit.
I reach out of the shower, making a mess in the floor as I dig in my bag trying to find my stuff that if I had been a smarter person I'd have gotten out before I got into the shower.
I let the scalding hot water pour over my body, scrubbing myself down with my body wash and then working on my hair.
By the time I step out of the shower, feeling like a whole human again, the bathroom is full of steam.
I towel off and then stand at the sink to brush my teeth and attempt some light makeup before digging around for my hair dryer.
When I'm finally half ok with my appearance again, I grab one of the random dresses I'd packed and put it on.
It's simple, just a pale pink t-shirt dress, but I look presentable. I look mature. I look like someone that someone else's family might actually like.
I don't know how much they know about Alice or her situation or if they even know I'll be here, but I'm nervous nonetheless.
There are so many bad reactions and possibilities pouring through my mind, but I do my best to focus myself.
I'm Elizabeth's aunt.
No one can keep me out of her life except for maybe Ben, but I don't think he'd do that to me, so I'm fine.
This will totally be fine.