"I cannot believe you're even considering this," Sarah snaps. "I've taken care of you since you were a toddler. Now you want to give us up the moment that boy opens his arms for you? The same boy who left you to rot? Have you forgotten that?"
"I know I've called you stupid," Kenny continues, "but this is downright dumb. He's playing you. Why can't you see that?"
"Rachel, turn the car around now," Sarah's scream rings in my head. I tighten my sweaty grip on the steering wheel.
I'm determined to do this. I have to do this. My body oozes confidence until I see the hospital sign.
My foot falters off the gas pedal. My heart pounds in my chest with every inch closer to my doom.
"It's not late to go back,"Sarah says.
I glance at the gear stick. My hand hovers over it. With a slight move of my wrist, I can back out of here and no one will ever know.
I can runaway. They'll never notice. They'll never miss me.
There's a police car park near the entrance door. The guard and nurse I drugged are talking to the two officers. The guard doesn't look happy at all. He's still rubbing his neck at the spot where the syringe went through. His permanent scowl seems to run deeper into his skull now.
He's the first one to notice me. He quickly grab the attention of the other policemen. They approach me with their guns in hand.
"Get out of the car with your hands in the air," one of the police shouts.
Sarah growls, "Don't do it. We can still get you out."
I breathe out to calm my nerves. "I know." A tear scrolls down my face.
"What about us?" Sarah argues. "We've always been there for you. Have you ever stopped to think about what will happen to us if you do this?"
"I just...I-I just want to make it stop hurting." My hands shake when I grab the door handle. I have no energy to push it open.
"We can help. You don't need those people. Look at what they've done to you. They brainwashed you. Why can't you see that?"
"I said to get out of the car with your hands up," the officer orders. "Now."
I pull the key out the ignition and unhurriedly climb out of the car. After closing the door shut, I lift my hands in the air.
I feel numb. I feel caged. All the confidence has been drained out of me.
What am I doing?
I watch the guard walk up to me. He doesn't look thrilled to see me.
I stare at him. My feet stay firmly on the ground.
"You think you're smart, don't you?" he growls. "Let's see how much you like a whole week in isolation."
My breath hitches. Every ounce of courage I had in me pour in the ground.
A whole week by myself?!
"Selfish brat," Kenny spats at me as Carla comes to get me away from the guard.
She walks me inside the clinic. Curious eyes turn my way.
"Some of them have tried to escape, too," Carla explains. "In a way, you are a hero to them."
I snort.
She stops in front of the room. "Why did you come back?"
"Isn't it obvious," I laugh. "I'm crazy."
"Crazy people don't ask for help."
"I didn't ask for anything," I tell her as she searches me.
She smiles at me. I shiver at the pity coming my way.
"You came back. Honey, that's a scream for help." She pushes me inside the small room and shuts the door.
My eyes keep staring straight ahead.
"You've just destroyed everything we've worked so hard for," Kenny snaps, "for a boy who doesn't give a shit about you."
"As if you ever did," I reply.
"Yes we did," Sarah says. "We've cared for you like you were family."
"You tried to kill me," I argue.
"No," she mutters, "we wanted to save you. This life was killing you on the inside, baby girl. You weren't standing where we are to watch yourself deteriorate. This life is not for you and you know it."
My jaw tightens but I keep my mouth shut.
"We wanted what was best for you," she continues." Death is a beautiful thing, Rachel. No more worries, no more diseases, and no more Steven."
I hold my hands over my ears. "Just shut up," I tell her. "I don't want to hear your lies anymore."
Kenny unleashes an unhealthy fit of giggles, "Girlfriend, this place must really be driving you crazy if you think you're getting off this easy. We have a whole uninterrupted week together."
She keeps her word. When the time comes for me to join the others, I couldn't be happier. She has spent hours upon hours talking my ears off. I didn't catch one ounce of sleep. Bite marks decorate both of my arms, showing my desperation to make them disappear. I thought if I try hard enough to convince myself they're not real they would go away. Each bite, however, fueled them for another full hour of endless talk.
Carla keeps quiet when she comes to fetch me out of the room. I know she noticed the blood spot on my shirt where I bit too hard.
I willed her to say something but she only cleans the wounds. She doesn't question. She doesn't lecture. She simply goes on with her day and let me to go on with mine.
For the first time in my life, I want someone to question me. I want them to ask me about my entire life. I want someone to want to discover my secrets. I want someone to force me to tell them everything.
I thought mental hospitals were big on making their patients talk, why isn't anyone forcing me to talk yet?
The only thing they force me to here is participation. After my shower, I spend the rest of the day hopping from activities to activities as if they don't want me to have time by myself.
By the time night falls, I'm a quivering mess of fatigue muscles. I fall on the bed clothed. Daisy is already snoring while snuggling a teddy bear.
I turn on my side, eyes set on the white walls. The quietness is killing me. I've finally tune out Sarah and Kenny but now there are no other sounds. I heave a heavy sigh, ready to spend another night with my eyes open until my gaze falls on a small rectangular piece of paper on my bedside table.
I reach for it. It's Dr. Frey's contact information. The one I thought I've thrown away long ago.
"Rachel, don't," Sarah warns. Her voice startles me. "I know what you're thinking. It's not worth it. It's not going to make you feel better."
Kenny chuckles, "You're talking as if she's capable of ever doing something right. I give up, we're just going to watch her waste away inside this nut house. Such a waste of so much potential."
I slip the paper under my pillow, "You mean the potential you tried to destroy by giving me all these pills to end my life with?"
"We never did anything," she sounds offended. "We've merely given you a way out; it was your choice whether to take it or not."
"You know very well you guys never gave me a choice."
"Did you say something?" Daisy says.
I freeze. When did she wake up? I squint to see her yawn as she rubs her eyes.
"No, you must have been dreaming." I forget how sharp her hearing is.
"Yeah, you're right," she plops back on her bed.
"How long do you think you can keep this up?" Sarah asks.
I have no idea but I have no intention on finding out. I've learned lately that it's better to give yourself up than to wait to be caught. Running and lying will not only lead to my fall but I might drag the ones I love down with me.
I yawn before falling into oblivion. I think the extreme fatigue my body is suffering has shut down the part of my brain that allows me to think or listen. I don't hear another peep from the girls for the rest of the night.
I wake up with the aftershock of my dream lingering in my head. My spirit spent most of the time running into webs of lies, away from the burning light, until it fell off of a cliff and ended right back where it was.
The first thing I do when I'm out of my room is request a phone to talk to my therapist. The nurse walks me to some box stuck on the wall.
I'm confused, "Where's the phone?"
"This is the phone," she takes a big thing from the box and hands it to me. "This is the main line. It was what people used before iPhone came out."
I glance at it. "I hate to tell you guys that but the iPhone is out and it's not that expensive." I scrunch up my nose at the old thingy in her hand.
"Do you want to make the call or not?"
I grab the odd looking phone still puzzled by it, "Where are the numbers on this thing?"
She points at the box. A keyboard faces me in the same place the nurse has just taken the phone out.
"Ohhh," I say in awe.
"FYI, your call is getting monitored." She walks away, leaving me with the machine in an empty corridor. I hear the whoosh of a camera changing position on top of me.
I don't waste time to think. I punch the numbers in before my fingers can start to shake. "Dr. Frey's office, Mike Shay speaking," Mike greets in a business tone.
"Hey, Mike. It's Rachel," I say shyly. I sway lightly on the balls of my feet. Do I really want to do this?
"H...hiii, Rachel. H...How are you?" he mumbles. "I've been meaning to call you but it's not like I actually know your phone number. You never gave it to me and I thought it might be weird if I ask you. I don't want your boyfriend to punch or anything," he laughs. "I heard people say you were in a mental hospital but I didn't believe it. Like seriously, who would ever think you're crazy? You might not be so friendly but I think friendliness is overrated. Who cares....?"
"Can I speak to Dr. Frey?" I interrupt him. "I don't have a lot of time and this is really important."
"Of course. Yes, absolutely. You can talk to her."
"Can I do it now?" I press.
"Oh right. I'm going to transfer your call to her right away."
"Thanks." My skull begins to itch uncontrollably.
"Rachel," Sarah shouts making me jump three feet in the air.
I touch my chest when I come back down. "What is wrong with you? You could have killed me."
"Put the damn phone down," she continues.
I ignore her. She's not my mother.
"Hello," Dr. Frey answers. She sounds like she's been saying it for a while now. "I'm hanging up."
"Wait," I quickly answer. "It's me, Rachel."
"Good morning, Rachel. I wasn't expecting this call so soon."
I shake my head. Shrinks. They think they know everybody they meet.
"Umm... I think I need to talk to someone." I keep scratching my dry scalp. What the hell is happening to me?
"I'm so glad to hear it. I'm going to contact the hospital right now. I think we can see each other this afternoon."
"No, take your time. I'm not in a hurry." Actually I am. I want to lessen the load on me already. Somebody else needs to know.
"It's fine. Today is supposed to be my day off even though I'm still in the office. I'll see you later, Rachel."
"Bye." I put the phone bag in the box.
"So selfish," Kenny hisses.
"I wonder how your mother is going to feel about you're going to do."
My mother? Oh God, what will she say? Will she forgive me?
"I'm voting no and she'll be right. There's a reason you have kept quiet for all these years."
No, she'll forgive me. She has to. She wants us to be together again, right? She loves me.
"She doesn't love you more than her baby daddy."
"Are you done?" The nurse appears behind me.
"Yes."
"What would you like to talk about? Dr. Frey asks.
I sit with my back straight on the couch while she watches me from her metallic chair. Maybe it's because of her casual outfit – Jeans and a blouse – instead of her usual business attire, or maybe it's because of my desire to spill my beans but the atmosphere is easier than it has ever been.
"I don't-I don't really know." I wipe my sweaty hands on my pants. My eyes shift to the floor. "Everything, I guess."
"Okay," her calming voice heightens my nervousness. "I'm here to listen."
I open my mouth to speak but my teeth begins to chatter.
"There's still time to rethink this," Sarah pleads with me but I know the truth. If I don't do this now, I never will.
I take a deep breath then let it out loudly. My eyes focus on R. Frey, making sure I can see her reaction to everything I say.
"I guess it all started when my dad had to move out of the house," I start. "I was only five years old so I didn't really know what was going on. He said it was because of his job and he'll be back very soon. I was confused since my dad never used to take trips before but I let it go, thinking it was just one of those weird grownup acts.
But...he never came back. After a couple of days, I began to ask questions until my mom brought me to a hotel. I didn't get why my dad needed to stay in a hotel when we had a perfectly good house. I begged and him to come back with me but he just shook his head. He looked so sad, so defeated.
A couple of weeks after that, there's this annoying white man who started to show up at our doorsteps more and more often. I didn't like him. I called dad to warn him that there was a guy trying to kill us. He wasn't as mad as I expected, he didn't hurried home with his big police car and sirens to rescue us. Instead, he told me that I had to be a good girl to my mom's friend, that I had to welcome him in our family.
I didn't want to be a good girl. I wanted this stranger to get away from my mother and me. I didn't want anything he had, not his gifts, and especially not his stupid little brother who constantly smelled like he had just drained the liquor store."
My teeth sink in my mouth, drawing a drop of blood. Dr. Frey's gaze doesn't falters from mine. Her face remains cool, professional but I could feel the courage she was lending me.
"They never left, though." I continue. "My mom became more and more into Steven. She forgot all about me. It started as just missing one dance recital then the next thing I knew, I was getting chauffeured by some strange man in lieu of my mother driving me to school every day. It seems like I couldn't see her anymore. I wanted to go to my dad but nobody listened. Dad tried to come see me but the bodyguard Steven had put in front of the house refused to let him in.
The only person I had was Brandon – my best friend. He was always there trying to cheer me up but it never worked. I just wanted my family back. My mother said I was being selfish, thinking I was the only one allowed to be happy. I kept asking why couldn't she be happy with dad like she used to be? Why couldn't everything be back the way they were?"
Dr. Frey hands me a tissue. I wipe away the tears. I try smiling at her but I couldn't seem to control my facial expressions.
"Then, Darwin started to be nice. Like uncomfortably nice. I told my mom but she said he was just playing, he didn't mean any harm. I was a kid but I knew he wasn't part of the nice people. The guy looked like he wanted to murder somebody. I could always hear him and Steven arguing especially when I was forced to go visit them at their house.
One day, Steven invited me to his family cabin. It was so beautiful. It had so many toys, food, and everything a little would want. He said I could come whenever I wanted without letting my mom know. It was our little secret. He even gave me a key. I actually started to like him at that point."
I pause. My eyes find the floor once more. So much shame, so much disappointment. All of this could have been avoided if I wasn't so greedy.
"It's not a bad thing to like someone after they've given you a gift," Dr. Frey points out, "especially a child."
I shake my head, my gaze returning to her. "It wasn't a gift, it was a bribe. I didn't know at the time. I was so so stupid. I was just so happy to have so many new toys and dresses. I couldn't wait to show Brandon my new cabin. Steven didn't like that. I don't think that's what he meant when he said I could come whenever I wanted. He didn't want me to bring friends there. Apparently, they will mess everything up. One kid running around is all the cabin can handle.
I was really freaked out the day he found Brandon and me playing there. He was so mad. He started screaming and breaking stuff. Then, Darwin showed up. I wish I didn't fall so easily like my mom did. I wish... That Darwin really is the spawn of the devil. He destroyed me."
Dr. Frey comes to sit beside me on the couch. She rubs my back gently. "It's alright. You're safe here. He can't hurt you anymore."
I move away from her touch. I can't handle it.
"Did he hurt you, Rachel?" She asks cautiously. "Did Darwin hurt you?"
"Yes," I whisper. "Even worst than his brother tried to do. When he got to the cabin, Steven was near explosion. Darwin made him promised he would stay put until he came back from Brandon's house...He didn't. Darwin should have known better. I should have known better."
"You were only a child," she soothes.
I sniff the tears away. My face feels swelled up "Minutes after I heard the car drive off the property, Steven began to hit me. I didn't know what had gotten into him. He always acted like a gentleman with my mom."
"Rache? What did he do exactly?"
"Steven Reel raped me." I turn to look at her but she's not showing any emotions. Her face stays the same it has always been, a little sympathetic and friendly but nothing. She doesn't seem shocked at my confession.
"Great, just stop your rambling now," Sarah begs. "She knows enough."
"Why did you say Darwin destroyed your life if Steven was the one who hurt you?"
"There's more than one way to hurt someone. Darwin's silence hurt more than all of the physical pain Steven put me through. I didn't even know what he was doing. I just knew it hurt and he wouldn't stop no matter how much I pleaded. Darwin reappeared pretty quickly. I think Brandon forgot something. I don't remember what but I do remember Darwin... and Brandon. Brandon didn't come in. He was looking through the window but I think he had more of an idea of what happened than I did.
Darwin showered me and left with me and Brandon. Neither of us said anything. I kept on crying and crying. When we got home, Darwin told me to never tell anyone about this. A few weeks later, Brandon was gone then he followed. Steven threatened to hurt me further if I ever tell. It's not like I had anybody to tell. I barely saw my dad and Steven had just proposed to my mom. To her, he was the purest human being on this planet. She never noticed that I was no longer an innocent little girl. She never noticed anything about me anymore. She only noticed Steven.
You have no idea how hard it is to look at your worst nightmare in the eyes every day for more than ten years without anyone knowing. People thought I was being a little brat not wanting to accept the things Steven was offering my mom and me. But how could I? It felt like he was buying us."
"I'm really glad you told me."
"I've been silent for so many years. I don't want to be that girl anymore. The one spreading hatred around because of him. I never understood before but, now, I do. As long as I'm quiet and unhappy, he's winning. For all these years, I thought I was accomplishing something by being mean to everybody. I thought he would understand that he was turning me into a monster and would let me go. But, now, I get it. He never will let me go because I'm doing exactly what he wanted. I don't want to be quiet, Dr. Frey." I straighten as much as possible. "I want to press charges against Steven Reel."
She smiles, "I think I can help with that if that's what you really want."
"That's what I want."
"Congratulations little brat, you're getting your revenge. Now, walk away," Kenny presses.
"There's more," I say.
She stops her movements and wait for me to keep going.
"After everybody was gone, I was all by myself. I had no one to talk to so, I made up friends to feel less lonely."
"That's understandable. Many kids have imaginary friends."
I move to sit back on the couch. "Is it also normal for the imaginary friends to ask the kid to kill herself?" I look at the floor, afraid of what I might find in her eyes.
With both of her hands, she lift my head back up. "That's not normal, Rachel."
"I know but I can't seem to shake them off. They started out so friendly. There's Sarah who always acted like a mother to me. And Kenny who's like a sister to me. She's like an older version of me. I used to love them until they started to say all kind of things like how nobody needed me and I should just kill myself to end all the suffering."
"Did you believe them?"
"At first, yes. I tried to end my life so many times. All of the marks in my arms, I put them there. Some of them are product of real suicide attempts but most of them, I put them there because physical pain is easier to handle than everything else."
"What about now? Do you still want to die?"
"No, I know now that dying is the coward's way out of this. I don't want to be a coward like Darwin and run away from my responsibilities. I want to be strong. I want to live."