My stomach was already in knots by breakfast, so it's as taut as the center of a black hole by the time we board the drop ship taking us Portside to the Vesta. I can barely hold myself upright. Each step is heavy, like the gravity of that black hole is sucking everything toward my gut.
But while my body is dealing with my proximity to the least favorite moments of the past, my mind is occupied with the fork in the road. I could stay and endure a tortuous reunion I never wanted with my supportive partner smiling at my side, or I could blast off to meet my sometimes dead sister on some dot in a cluster of asteroids to hear a mysterious message and be on the frigid end of Nuna's cold shoulder for the rest of my life.
"I am here," Nuna says. She reaches behind, her fingers brushing mine. I stare into the crisp collar of her neck and the sweep of her box braids over her shoulder. Little curls trail down her neck and I want to bury my face in them. I want to tell her everything.
"I know," I say instead, closing my eyes and wondering why the fuck I can't just open my mouth and say it. There's a chance I can find them. There's a way I can solve a lot of problems and maybe even start some new ones if I can slip away for a little while.
The hatch falls open, creating a walkway from our safe space on the official HMS Valediction drop ship to the nightmare beyond. I stare ahead, reminding myself that this was part of my life not too long ago—that every day was a little bit of this in the URE. Whether it was riding the jeeps as they wended up the winding tunnels until they released us to the Topside, or riding the busted elevator to get to the Human Hope Project's nefarious labs, I've dealt with worse.
Breathe.
Hux's hand squirms into mine. I squeeze it. He squeezes back. Here we go.
A line of familiar faces welcomes us as we disembark. From our elevated stance, I can see them all.
And they're smiling. At me.
The knot rushes out as I approach. Their joy grows wider and brighter. Orra Coodi, or a mellowed version of herself, greets my approach with the same attentiveness as our URE days. Francis Umpire and Gordie Love salute as I stumble down the ramp toward them. I respond with a half-hearted gesture. My hand is so heavy because suddenly, my heart is so full.
I missed them. Fuck pretenses. I laugh as Umpire swoops down and picks me up in his enormous arms, swinging me around. Love pats my back as I'm dropped, and Coodi throws herself on me, wrapping me in her arms. Behind her, Kai Kamalani approaches.
The contrast between the grim gaze of the man before me with the jovial one I knew in the URE makes it seem like they're two different people. He extends his hand to shake mine, cold and unwelcoming as if I'm tank scum coming to introduce myself to a god.
I take his hand and smile anyway. If only one gives me the frigid reception I deserve, at least it's just him. Oh well. "Commander," I acknowledge.
Knuckles steps up next. We don't need words. Together, we open our arms to each other and fall into a long-overdue embrace.
"It's good to see your ugly mug in person," I say.
"You stole the words from my mouth."
He's thinner in my arms. Love and Umpire have done just fine with the surplus on the Vesta, but I can see the soft aging post-battle around their eyes. They've all grown and changed, but so have I.
"Boss, what have you done to yourself?" Umpire pinches and lifts the tail of my braid to point at my reprimands.
I turn my head so they can get a better view. "Moon's been a bad influence."
"Yes, he's the instigator," Knuckles grumbles.
Love chuckles. It's still strange to see him without his other half. My heart stings softly at Kasia Flatt's absence. The image of her brutal murder spikes a quick stick in my stomach. I notice the absence of "the twins", but I don't mind as much. "Where's McCroy?"
Umpire smiles. "Levi McCroy found himself a new life in medicine. He ditched us to become a healer."
I think about my VIPER who held his feelings in his hands for everyone to see. The empathetic, brilliant, youngest of the operators found something new, and I couldn't be prouder of him. "Sounds perfect for him."
Nuna clears her throat. Hux peers at the crew from his hiding place behind her hip.
My anxiousness is replaced by radiant pride. I extend my arm, inviting Huxley to stand with me in the middle of the gathering. "I'd like to introduce you all to someone."
My first impulse is to watch Kai. This man who I was so wrapped up in when life was simple in the URE. Reprieve. I stare into the bright blue eyes framed by his dark and wild hair that Hux inherited. Some of the foreign stone seriousness on Kai's face melts when he sees the product of our single night together.
"Huxley, this is my crew from when I was on ARC-ten. Do you remember the stories I told you about them?"
He nods.
Kai steps forward, his soft smile striking something savage in me. I sidestep, putting my body between him and my son. I clutch his shoulders as I hold him in place safely behind me.
The movement is quick, but Kai notices. He frowns and drops down on a knee and glances up at me. "I'm not going to bite him."
Nuna brushes her shoulder against mine, creating a barrier between our bodies. This is stupid. I know he isn't going to hurt Huxley. My muscles kicked into gear without my brain dictating the direction. My first instinct is always to protect him against any threat that might take him from me again. I don't know how, but deep in my gut, I fear Kai as a threat.
"Sorry. Force of habit," I say as I drop down to my knees with him. The two of us are at eye level with Hux who is clutching my shoulder and looking in the direction of the drop ship. "Huxley. Look at me, Kiddo."
He sets his green gaze on me, his eyes watery with unshed tears. I hate making him upset. Nuna said this would be good for him. It probably will be. He needs new experiences. He's safe here.
"This Kai Kamalani. He's your biological father."
Huxley holds his place firmly.
Kai leans on his bent knee and stretches out his hand. His composure is gentle. Everything about him exudes calm, like this is something he's practiced for a long time. He holds his hand out to shake. "Hi, Huxley. You can call me Kai if you'd like."
There he is. There's the flippant charmer. There's the sweet talker who lured me into his cot.
Something shiny catches my eye in his hand. It's a PAHLM. The little black device strapped between his fingers is sleeker, smaller, and almost imperceivable with the power off.
Hux takes his left hand in Kai's and shakes it.
Behind us, the rattling of John's mechanics alerts us to his entrance to the scene. Kai backs up.
The minute John sees Knuckles, he swivels the peg in his neck and displays his plate with the smiling face. The lights under his legs blink as he chitters.
"This thing is still alive? Are you registering it as a weapon, pet, or bio-hazardous material?" Kai asks as he stands.
"You're still mad he kicked your ass?"
"I shot him, so it's not like it was a complete embarrassment."
Nuna appears behind me. "We are grateful for the warm welcome, Commander Kamalani. It would be beneficial for us to get to business."
Kai flicks on his PAHLM. I watch in fascination as the blue light trickles down his forearm, covering his skin with the soft glow of the display. He taps out a message with one hand in the familiar shorthand that I still know by heart. "I'm calling reinforcements."
Seconds later, the door to the hangar slides away and a harried man approaches with a little girl on his hip and two young boys who sprint toward us with a very familiar enthusiasm. The man, who must be the nanny, releases the little girl and watches the crew with military precision. Of course, Kai would only trust the care of his kids to someone with military training.
"Huxley, these are your siblings. They haven't stopped talking about how excited they are to meet you. Would you like to play with them?"
This was what Nuna wanted. Her eyes go glassy as she watches him nod and tentatively step away from us. His retreat fills me with a sudden longing to bring him back. I've always been the one with my back turned, not him. The shift throws me. "No. Wait. He should stay with me."
The children all pause and gawk at me. Hux especially looks ready to bolt back. Good. Come back, baby. We'll get the hell out of here.
"Janika, we discussed this." Nuna whispers. Her firm grip on my arm grounds me. "He is safe here."
I want to fight her. The peppery feeling in my stomach returns as the kids depart again. Kai's lowered gaze makes me think he wants to set me on fire for questioning him.
"The meeting room is ready," Coodi says. "Commander Lorn, if you would—"
"Gunner," I interrupt, shrugging out of Nuna's hold. "If we're going to continue this, I don't want any confusion."
Coodi's lips smack like she's tasted something foul. "Okay."
I expect our trek through the Vesta to be a quiet tour of the upgrades and changes since Juno's reign ended. What I didn't expect was the complete reinvention of the ship and its people.
Familiar faces from ARC10 and ARC4 mingle with the hubbub of Olympi civilians. They stripped the gold columns and lined them with flowing vegetation. Greenery cascades down the halls from top to bottom. Enormous swinging chandeliers that held ornate lights now drip with vines. Everything gold has turned to lush, dense foliage. Chirping birds flit between the tall pillars where I notice bots run up tracks to mist the plants on top.
Along the floor is a hydroponics tank. The marble of the past has been replaced by a clear floor that showcases large fish swimming to and from either end of the hall to graze on the vegetation flanking the wide passageway.
The only gold I detect is the warm halo of light around the plants replicating a sun they'll never see. The wet, earthy smell of the ship drags me right back to the days I spent with my hands in the dirt on Level 2. It reminds me of orange groves.
Why does every memory have to be one with him?
"It's beautiful," I say softly.
Nuna hums in agreement. Her sights are cast ahead to Kai's back, but I know she's taking it all in. She's too good at her job to let her mask slip, even for a second to gawk in awe at the new Olympi.
No. This is the Vesta. The Olympi is dead.
Kai leads us into a meeting room at the end of the large hall.
"You've made some incredible changes," I say as Love triggers the door to close behind me.
"We're proud of the progress we've made," Coodi says without a hint of remorse. "We've been wanting to welcome you back for a long time."
Kai sits at the end of the table, Coodi at his right. I take a seat at the other end next to Nuna who faces Kai directly. Knuckles joins at my side. He slides a little device toward me.
"Why would I want this?" I ask, holding the PAHLM by its string-thin strap.
"As a hand warmer on cold nights. Why else would I have invented them?"
"I'm not on this ship for longer than this meeting, I'm not going to need it." I slide it back toward him.
He grabs my wrist and shoves the device in my hand. "I've made some improvements."
"I don't want it," I shove it back.
"Take it, Lorn."
"No."
Nuna clears her throat again.
Kai is leaning forward, his arms crossed on the table. His fingers dig into his biceps in irritation. "Heaping Hell, Janika. Just accept it so we can move on."
I glare at Knuckles, drop the PAHLM on the table, and leave it there as I pull our display out from my knapsack at my side. "You want to move on? Fine. Let's get this over with."
Nuna pulls out her tablet and flicks the image from her device to the hologram in the center of the table. A still image of a foggy enemy emerges in the pixels. "The Golden Legion must return."
"We figured as much," Coodi says. "But we refuse to use Juno's previous tactics. No one will fight against their will."
I'm so proud of her.
Nuna shakes her head. "That won't be necessary. A show of force can be just enough to remind our enemies of our power."
"So we wouldn't have to fight?"
"We're not saying that either," I interject while flicking an image from my tablet to the table's projection. "We developed new armor that will—"
"You developed it?" Kai says. He lifts a brow in skepticism.
"Is that a problem?"
He gestures toward Knuckles. "We have multiple engineering geniuses on our ship. Why do we need whatever this is that you've come up with?"
So he's still mad at me, I see. "You don't need fancy gizmos to make this a powerful part of our defense or offense."
He reclines in his chair and glares at me with his piercing blue eyes that used to hold so much mischief. There's nothing but stony seriousness in them now. "So your strategy is to put my militia into costumes and parade them around to pretend we have some powerful military behind them?"
"Our," Nuna corrects. "It is our protective forces, Commander Kamalani."
"My apologies, First Mate. Our."
He listens as Nuna runs through our plan. I try not to let his mocking gaze rattle me when I discuss the weapons we'd equip our operators with. The fact that he shakes my confidence sets the simmering anger to a hefty roil. By the time I'm done and he has the audacity to yawn, it takes all of my willpower not to reach across the table and wake him with my fist to his jaw.
I shut the image down and rush to shove everything into my knapsack before I do something drastic. "Before I leave, I'd like to meet with your arms specialist."
"That's not possible," he says.
"Why not?"
"We'd like to discuss your plan before we make any decisions."
Nuna doesn't seem affected by his tone. She leans forward on her elbows and focuses her attention on his eyes. "We will always afford the Vesta a semblance of independence from the Valediction. However, in this instance, we must unite to protect the people and assets of our enterprise."
"You make it sound noble," he says. "We're shine slingers."
This term again. "So?"
Coodi perks. "There's already a negative connotation with our name. If we show force, will that make matters worse?"
"No one fucked with Juno." I shrug. "We've gotten lax. It's time to show force, even if it's just an act."
Kai, bored and pressing his finger to the table as if to lift a stray crumb, says, "We'll take it under advisement."
Nuna may be poised, but I'm going to murder him. "We're answering your request for aid, you know? What's wrong with the plan we've developed for your problems?"
"The plan is fine." Kai steeples his fingers. "It's you I don't trust."
"You don't trust me?"
"No."
I glance at Coodi who watches me carefully. "Do you agree with him?"
"We haven't seen you in five years. While we're glad to see you safe and healthy, I'm finding it difficult to see merit in accepting your proposal withot hesitation."
Nuna nods. "I understand your history and the pain you have endured under her departure, but understand this— Janika Lorn is the esteemed Gunner of the HMS Valediction. Her word is law aboard our ship. As Vesta is under the jurisdiction of Sir Teenolium Drake's protection, you must abide by our orders."
Kai rises from his seat. "Then maybe we don't need your protection anymore."
I rise, my fists clenched and my anger bubbling just below the surface of my skin. I know this feeling. I know this look. "Are you threatening to mutiny?"
"Maybe I am."